.. and I need to know what I can do - to be supportive and encouraging - to help him as he (if he) chooses to help himself out of this dis ease. I am being very positive about all of his good points.. (He's kind, thoughtful, sweet, endearing and funny - I feel very much myself around him.) My lifestyle is pretty alcohol free, maybe some rye with my brother at family functions, but I am pretty much straight edge. I know he thinks I can lead by example and show him the sober life is really good. I just don't even think of it as "sober" though.. It's just 'real' life. How can I make him see this? How can I show him that it's a choice? I was once very bulimic/anorexic years ago and it was pretty serious. I changed and no longer have even lingering issues after 4 years of battling the dis ease. I KNOW people can change, because I did, and I was a real mess. I'm not going in blinded by my affection, but I don't feel right just leaving him there to mess his life up. He's got so much to live for,and has done really well for himself over the years. He stopped hard drugs (almost died due to cocaine overdose) and hasn't touched it for a year. I don't know if I'll just make things worse by having him falling for me (he is) and then having to leave him to save my sanity.
Any real life experience would be really helpful here. Thanks so much.
"don't know if it will make things worse by having him fall for me".......your boyfriends greatest love right now is his drinking...u don't really say what he is using.....but since u say he gave up hard drugs i'll assume its the drink...correct me if i'm wrong.Ppl who drown themselves in alcohol and or drugs don't love themselves,are incapable of taking others ppl's feelings fully in2 consideration and must totally sober up first b4 having a relationship.if not then u put urself in a role of being Florence Nightengale!i have been sober/clean 25 years.A few years back and all of this happened within a year...my dad died,my mom diagnosed with dementia,my beloved dog passed,cat went too,i had some medical problems and my boyfriend who swore he loved me relapsed with pot first then his drug of choice cocaine.He was a raging lunatic,self absorbed and that drug was his choice.He had no consideration for what i thought or felt....totally consumed with his addiction.Until ur man takes full responsibility for his addiction u will be in a very painful emotional tug of war.All u can do is to encourage and support his efforts to get better.....note HIS efforts!
afterthought...there have been many posts here from women who have tried to love their men sober and likewise with men i'm sure who try to love an addicted woman sober.....it doesn't work...the addicted one has a lot of work to do on their own..i know this personally..plus dayjob for past 23 years is substance abuse counselor.....i watch many adults and parents bang their head in the walls trying to make a loved one stop.....just not humanly possible!
hi there. ibizan is right, you are both playing with fire. i've been on both sides of the equation and can tell you (1) he must want to stay sober with or without you and (2) the longer the relationship continues in its present state, the sicker you will both become. i would highly recommend checking out al-anon for yourself---no matter what he does. it's easy to rationalize and see the qualities someone possesses to distract ourselves from the serious problems that are also present. you can not save him, but he can take action to save himself-----if he is ready to. take care, gm
I am on kind of the same boat here, i just joined for one purpose, to ask "is my boyfriend an alcoholic?"! i just posted it!
i am so worried about him, he drinks nearly every night, now he wouldnt drink to get drunk every night, but he would at the weekends!!
he is great to me, and i know he loves me!! and i love him with all my heart!!
But i just do not understand what his obsession with drink is??? I could easily never drink again, but i do enjoy the occasional drink, like a social drink. But he drinks when we are just sitting in watching the TV!!
It is very scary, because he thinks that he doesnt have a problem, but he is only 20, and if he is like this now, what does that mean for the future?? And i want to spend the rest of my life with this person!! He never gets aggressive or anything when drinking, but i am afraid of what this might do to him in the long run!!!
I dont think you should give up on your boyfriend, just like i am not going to, but like you i need advice too!!!
Speaking from my experience only, I would suggest that you attend an AL ANON meeting. There will be people there like yourselves who have learned how to lead happy lives living with an alcoholic (drinking or sober). I believe AL ANON was instrumental in saving my marriage. So whether the drinker wants help or not, the person who loves him and is stressed out by their drinking; I would strongly recommend AL ANON.
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