My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?

I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly.  My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking.  If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention.  If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine.  Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper.  I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?

Regards, confusedangry

[mk123xx]

i dont know much about this stuff, but honestly eah id say your wife has a drinking drinking problem, and i dont blame you at all for being angry, if my spouse did that regularly at social gatherings and embarrassed me like that i would be pissed off too. if i were you id have a heart-to-heart with you wife about her drinking and how it makes you feel.

[narla]

This is my opinion only but yes she is an alcoholic,you have just told my own story with alcohol,my husband always drove when we went out,I'd keep drinking until there was no more alcohol or when I was that drunk I'd let my husband persuade me to leave as time went on I stopped going out and started drinking in my bedroom my husband knew what I was doing but not how much,I'm sure she's probably drinking more than what you see.by the time I was 47 I was drinking 3 to 4 x 1litre bottles of Bacardi a week my husband had no idea it had got that bad.Do you know if she uses any meds as well.I found when I couldn't get as drunk on alcohol i started taking codeine as well.Don't get angry it won't do any good just try talking to her calmly when she's not drunk,let her know your worried about her but she is the only one who can decide to quit.It took me till I was 47-73 days clean and feeling great.

[boogieman]

Hi. Alcoholism is best diagnosed by the problems that someone's drinking causes, and based on your description, I'd say your wife qualifies. Your best resource is alanon, and your wife may be to the point of requiring medical assistance to detox. Your anger is understandable, as alcoholics, we usually hurt the ones that love us the most. Your wife may be a wonderful person in all other respects, but continuation of her drinking will likely erode these away in time as well. That being said, if she is an alcoholic, she is suffering from an illness that is progressive, incurable, and if left untreated, fatal. Alcoholism is the third leading cause of preventable death in the Us, be it through physiological damage, accident, or suicide. In addition it also sickens those close by as well, often requiring alanon and/or counseling. Hope this is helpful and take care, GM
/

[bbq33]

Alcoholism is a disease that thankfully can be treated to relieve the drinking. I am an alcoholic and will be the rest of my life. I have not had a drink in 13 years thanks to the AA program. AA may feel uneasy and wierd at first but it is the best medicine out there for alcoholics, and it works. She may slip up a few times before she finally gets it right but it can by done. There is no cure for it but it can be treated like any other disease so your whole family can live a happy normal life. Sounds like she may need an intervention. Rather then going into details about an intervention, call your city or state Alcoholism Board or Agency and talk to them about it. She has to want to get well. You can't force it on her. I would highly recommend you and your daughters get to an alnon meeting so you can understand this disease and meet people that have gone through what your famiily is going through.
Wishing your whole family success with this disease.
bbq33

[ibizan]

there is indeed quite a problem here!how does it affect your children?i would contact your county substance abuse outpatient facility and get advice on how to proceed.You have to be careful with interventions.....they are not a guarantee someone will awake to their problem or seek treatment...some facilities charge a couple thousand $$$$ to do them!A good trained licensed substance abuse counselor can facilitate one...they are done like u see on Intervention show....each person has a script of how the loved ones drinking has affected them.. using I statements and concern that if this goes untreated more disaster will occur...which we know is a given!

[sograteful828]

i would just say this sounds alot like me, thats for sure....she has to b eready to get help, but gosh, i had almost the exact same behaviors and treated my husband so bad. dont blame yourself, but dont enable her either. the longer the disease takes over, trust me the worse it gets, i tell you that from the heart....as i am preparing to go to court as we speak....drinking, if you are an alcoholic, will end you up either dead or in jail...there are no happy endings unless the proper help is given and the person is ready to surrender, and get the help offered.

sorry you are going through this, i know first hand how hard this is on a spouse...maybe check out an al-anon meeting for families of alcoholics, you might get support and some answers there...you will feel so much better when you realize you are not alone....

best wishes to you...

[dominosarah]

I really cant add to much of anything as you have been given excellent advice from all the above people.  I will say it is time for YOU to take care of yourself and your kids.  Check out Alanon again.  Addiction affects the entire family.  You are not to blame for your wifes addiction but there are things you can do to no longer enable her.  I wish you the best.........sara

[JosieKat]

I can relate to your situation as well. My husband and i went through this a few years ago. Things are much better now. I have some information that I wanted to share with you, and it also goes into how I worked out, and am still working out my issues. I sent a  message to your page because some things were personal, but i think it might help your situation. I hope you will check it out before you make any decisions. Good luck to you both =o)

JK

[JosieKat]

Hi again-
I meant to include this link in my last post but I will add it now. Perhaps it can help others too. Just copy and paste it into your browser, there are also some video testimonials. I think you will get some additional insight into your situation. I'm hopeful for you both. Here is the link:

http://www.floridadetox.com/alcohol-rehab.asp?mnu=sub7

[confusedangry]

Thank you all for the advice and the sharing. It is helping me understand what is going on and where I need to focus. What a crappy situation. I am most worried for the kids.

I think I am going to go to an alanon meeting. I have to work out some guidelines for my behavior so I don't enable. It's not a joke anymore and I can't pretend that there is no issue. I don't think I will feel so hurt and angry if I remember that this is a disease and a serious medical issue to be dealt with like any other.

She won't discuss her drinking with me so I will have to act alone and do what I can to create a better situation for now.

Thanks again. I am now less confused and not angry but very sad.

[ibizan]

That is a very good first step...to attend an Al-Anon meeting...so many there who have walked and still walk in ur shoes.Please let us know how ur first meeting goes!

[dominosarah]

There is no such thing as regulated drinking to someone who has an alcohol problem.    sara

[ibizan]

lucas46 from Finland..quite a different  cultural view on the drinking....we know regulated drinking not possible with what has been described......and i laughed at the statement"your wife deserves it??????jeesh!

[narla]

I don't get some people,I've tried regulating my drinking habits many times but it never lasted long 1 day a week led to 2 then to 3 etc.I admit I would love to have a drink 1 night a week but if I'm honest with myself I know it doesn't stay at that.

[Tink70]

We kinda lost your stuff there, didn't we?  So - yeah - your lady is an alcoholic.  How is that Alanon going?  Leave your book laying around where she can look at it.  My family did that with me.  Kinda helped.
Take Care
Tink

[confusedangry]

Still digesting the latest round of posts on this thread...

My dad went into the hospital for almost two weeks with serious heart problems. We thought he was a goner this time. By some miracle he is home and doing fine now. I spent Thanksgiving week driving my mother back and forth to the hospital every day and I crashed at my parents house which is 2 hours from my home. I'm back home now.

My wife was making an attempt to control her drinking before I left to help my dad. I guess it was because of our last fight. Things were pretty cold between us for a while. While I was gone I made sure to call home each night. She was drunk most nights. I worried a bit for the kids but it appears that she only drank at home and didn't drive drunk. She has been really good about not driving after she has been drinking. I figured if there was a fire in the house or some other emergency then one of my daughters, 10 and 13, would be able to get everyone out of the house or call 911. That's how I rationalized the situation.

The alcohol is flowing again. We hardly talk. It's lonely and sad. Not sure the kids notice. Just thinking about tomorrow.

[ibizan]

so sorry about ur dad and wifes continued problem...u have a full plate!Sometimes we have to engage in hoaxster control here.....hopefully it does not re-appear!

[dominosarah]

I hope your dad is still on the road to recovery.

As for your wife, your kids know what is going on.  I always thought i was hiding it from mine and i was wrong.  You do understand that the fire rationalization isnt very healthy dont you?  I hope you will really check into some sort of aftercare for yourself and your kids.  You cant change your wifes behavior.  You can only change yours and how you react to the situation.  I hope your wife will see the light real soon.  Families can be just as sick as the addict.  Keep posting as we are here for you           sara

[tbird0601]

I am an adult child of an alcoholic mother and also a recovered alcoholic. Your children need to be of the utmost concern right now! You need to understand that alcoholism is a disease of the mind ! If your wife can't drink like a normal drinker now today, she never will again ! I sure hope you don't leave her alone with your children when shes drinking this will definitely affect your childrens emotional and social wellbeing. Do your best to remove you and your children from this enviroment or it will be detrimental in the years to come. Take your children to alanon with you, so they can understand how not to live with the shame and guilt they with no doubt are feeling. If you can, try to take over your wifes responsibilities with the children, maybe get some help from friends or family. However, the sooner she hits her bottom the sooner she'll find recovery. ALL OF YOU STOP ENABLING HER!!!!! You  nor your children can get her sober she has to want it for herself ! And please remember that this is not who she is, I'm more than sure that behind her drinking there is a beautiful and intelligent woman . Don't  give up on her, when her consequences become severe enough she'll have no choice, but to admitt to herself that she is an alcoholic. Until that day I wish you and your family well and will pray for you. PS. You can sincerely ask GOD to allow her to be the woman and mother he intended her to be. Bye for now, T

[ibizan]

Thank u for your post here...I so agree.......we all hope and pray she wakes up but she may not....day job substance abuse counselor for 24 years...i been sober/clean 26 years...I see way 2 many who don't wake up...we all know its a personal choice to take responsibility for ones addiction...no one else can clean/sober u up but urself!

[tbird0601]

Tell me ? How does one become an addiction counselor w/ 2yrs clean. I noticed you mention alot, how much time you have. In recovery where I come from, it's not about how much time you have. We only have today ! How is, or where is your spirituality ???????

                                                                                                                       t

[ibizan]

in Ohio it now takes a bachelors degree or masters degree in social sciences.I have the latter.More educational requiements are added for the bachelors level.Then one has to complete 280 hours of continuing education classes that are approved by the state licensing board of addiction counselors.Then u have to pass a written and oral exam.Then you have to have 4000 hours of paid employment xperience!The requirements for this vary from state to state.How and where is my spirituality?Very well grounded indeed.......for on a daily hourly basis i witness ppl destroying themselves in denial,children being affected, I listen to instances of rape,incest,child abuse, animal abuse.divorce,lost jobs damaged health..u name it i see it and hear it!One has to know how to set limits with others and take care of themselves for it is a job that can and will devour one if u let it.I can only help those that are willing to help themselves!Plant seeds hope folks will water them and let them grow!The joy of my week are those working on their recovery and a group i run of folks trying to change their lives...most of them heroin addicts who are trying hard!

[ibizan]

4got to add that once u get certified and have a license u have to attend contineuing education hours to keep the license.I have 2 licenses so i have to attend 40 hours every 2 years for the one...and 30 hours every two years for the other.

[narla]

I loved your reply to tbird601,why do some people have to be so condescending,tbird can't question your qualifications now not that it matters anyway this is a public forum we say what we believe.Congratulations on your masters by the way  Denise

[rod44]

Without spirituality and living in the day it would be most difficult to stay sober for long, When giving advice you speak from experience, for one recovering time under your belt is experience. Many talk the talk but few walk the walk, anyone who choses to becomes an addiction counselor is walking the walk as far as I am concerned...Keep up the good work Ibizan...

Ray

[ibizan]

thank u both!it does help that i've been in the shoes of so many that pass thru this door..and in my recovery group i never 4 got what it was like in the beginning....never....still have vivid memories!keeps me sober/clean!taking care of oneself in recovery is so important as we 3 well know..for if we don't care for ourselves who will?we have to do the work...spiritually,emotionally,physically etc!

[dominosarah]

Any person who comes in contact with ibizan is lucky.  Life experiences speak volumes to these people who come thru the door.  The books teach us a ton but when it comes to addiction you have had to walk the walk also.  Kudos to you ibizan!!  

This forum is amazing and that is due to the great people we have on here......sara

[Pickles4Me]

tbird, you should be careful how you talk to our ibi.

She is much loved around here.

[Pickles4Me]

I look at your problem from a different perspective because I was you (only female) 12 years ago.  My husband didn’t embarrass me when we were in social situations together but we live in a small town and we had a local business and he was able to drink on the job. ….’nuf said….

Alcoholism runs rampant in his family and I knew from his drinking that he had a problem.  It took a lot on my part but I chose not to be confrontational about his escalating drinking.  We would have gentle but honest conversations about it and I would briefly check in with him every so often and ask him if he still had a handle on his drinking.  I knew he did not but HE had to come to that realization on his own.  During that process he viewed me as being on his team, which I was, and he kept the doors of communication wide open.

We are now divorced BUT the parting of the ways had more to do with his volcanic recovery than his drinking days.

Best of luck to you always!

[seeker2345]

I guess you've figured out that yes, your wife is an alcoholic.  I do not have any great words of wisdom for you as I just got my husband to admit that he, too, is an alcoholic and am still reeling from the whole situation myself.  

I just wanted to offer that my husband started AA in July.  He did really well for about 40 days, then went to sporadic meetings, and then went to none and the whole process started all over again.  He makes incredibly terrible decisions while drinking (ie: driving, driving the kids, working, going to meetings and who knows what else I don't know about) but he is not physically abusive.  

It's a hard psychological roller coaster you are riding & even when the drinker seems to stop, there is no guarantee he/she will not pick it up again.  If there was ever a love/hate relationship defined, it must be hating the love of your life because he/she has become someone you don't know anymore.

[awice]

   I was raised in a home with an alcoholic father.....as a child I cried, begged, pleaded for him to stop drinking....but of course that was an impossibility for him.  My vision is my mother & I leaving him crying when she divorced him...fast forward...I am now married to a "problem drinker" and I'm mad as any human can be and feel great animosity  and no respect for this person....can't get over the feelings that this is just my dad all over again!!!

[Chris0203]

Hi Awice - I stumbled on this forum today and find that I am right there with the originator of the thread.  A spouse that drinks daily and frequently far too much.  Follow the lead of many here and go to a support meeting and don't blame your dad or yourself.  Those who wish to drink will do so until they decide not to and seek help.  I am regularly blamed as the reason why my wife drinks but I do not pour not do I hold a gun to her head and make her do it.  I am sad and angry at how our life has come to constant bickering and fighting.  I have said a number of times "It's the booze or me, take your pick" - I am sad to say that she has chosen the former more frequently than me.  Alas, I remain in the relationship because I truly do love her, but I hate her habit.  Here's hoping for brighter days ahead.  All the best to everyone on the thread with their issues!

[trudgingdaroad]

Chris and Confused.  

I can identify with the issues you are both discussing.  It is not for me to say in finality whether someone has a problem with a alcohol, yet I do know when I am bothered when someone close to me is exhibiting behavior related to drinking alcohol.  This is the key thing to me.... how is it I feel, what am thinking about myself, etc when I am around someone who is drinking.  

I am remarried with the women I thought was the love of my life.  Now I realize I seeking something in my first marriage which I thought I would receive in my second marriage.  
Little did I know I was a people pleasing/attention sucking individual, with low self-esteem, mommy/women issues, needing to be in control, rageaholic, etc.  
So in a way I am happy I have an alcoholic in my life ... otherwise I am not sure how long it would have taken for me if ever to know these character defects about myself.  
living with active alcoholism for me requires grounding in knowing I did not cause the problem, I can't control the problem, I can't cure the problem, and I will not condone the problem of alcoholism in my loved one.  
I am trying to learn to live to take care of myself spiritually, physically, and enrich my life with relationships.  

[fawlty1]

My wife is almost an identical copy. We've been together for 20 years. When I met her she was drinking bottles of cheap Martini a day. At any function with friends she would get absolutely drunk. She was extremely drunk on several occasions such that she couldn't walk. I just out up with it. The moment alcohol touches her lips, she carries on drinking until drunk and then until completely drunk. She doesn't think there is anything wrong in drinking two bottles of wine. She also thinks that she does nobody any harm - to her getting completely drunk should not bea problem for anybody. I've tried t otalk to her, but I am unable to communicate to her how drinking behaviour is affecting my life. Our whole free time is spent around drink. She will do the same routine every weekend. From Friday to Sunday she will be drunk. Then during the week she will be drunk a least two days. Sometimes she's drunk all week. However, she will not admit that her drinking patterns are problematic. I don't think I can handle it anymore. She's a great person, I love her very much, but I am sure that I am second best next to alcohol. I don't know how to deal with this issue.