My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?

[confusedangry]

I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly.  My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking.  If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention.  If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine.  Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper.  I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?

Regards, confusedangry

[mk123xx]

i dont know much about this stuff, but honestly eah id say your wife has a drinking drinking problem, and i dont blame you at all for being angry, if my spouse did that regularly at social gatherings and embarrassed me like that i would be pissed off too. if i were you id have a heart-to-heart with you wife about her drinking and how it makes you feel.

[narla]

This is my opinion only but yes she is an alcoholic,you have just told my own story with alcohol,my husband always drove when we went out,I'd keep drinking until there was no more alcohol or when I was that drunk I'd let my husband persuade me to leave as time went on I stopped going out and started drinking in my bedroom my husband knew what I was doing but not how much,I'm sure she's probably drinking more than what you see.by the time I was 47 I was drinking 3 to 4 x 1litre bottles of Bacardi a week my husband had no idea it had got that bad.Do you know if she uses any meds as well.I found when I couldn't get as drunk on alcohol i started taking codeine as well.Don't get angry it won't do any good just try talking to her calmly when she's not drunk,let her know your worried about her but she is the only one who can decide to quit.It took me till I was 47-73 days clean and feeling great.

[boogieman]

Hi. Alcoholism is best diagnosed by the problems that someone's drinking causes, and based on your description, I'd say your wife qualifies. Your best resource is alanon, and your wife may be to the point of requiring medical assistance to detox. Your anger is understandable, as alcoholics, we usually hurt the ones that love us the most. Your wife may be a wonderful person in all other respects, but continuation of her drinking will likely erode these away in time as well. That being said, if she is an alcoholic, she is suffering from an illness that is progressive, incurable, and if left untreated, fatal. Alcoholism is the third leading cause of preventable death in the Us, be it through physiological damage, accident, or suicide. In addition it also sickens those close by as well, often requiring alanon and/or counseling. Hope this is helpful and take care, GM
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[bbq33]

Alcoholism is a disease that thankfully can be treated to relieve the drinking. I am an alcoholic and will be the rest of my life. I have not had a drink in 13 years thanks to the AA program. AA may feel uneasy and wierd at first but it is the best medicine out there for alcoholics, and it works. She may slip up a few times before she finally gets it right but it can by done. There is no cure for it but it can be treated like any other disease so your whole family can live a happy normal life. Sounds like she may need an intervention. Rather then going into details about an intervention, call your city or state Alcoholism Board or Agency and talk to them about it. She has to want to get well. You can't force it on her. I would highly recommend you and your daughters get to an alnon meeting so you can understand this disease and meet people that have gone through what your famiily is going through.
Wishing your whole family success with this disease.
bbq33

[ibizan]

there is indeed quite a problem here!how does it affect your children?i would contact your county substance abuse outpatient facility and get advice on how to proceed.You have to be careful with interventions.....they are not a guarantee someone will awake to their problem or seek treatment...some facilities charge a couple thousand $$$$ to do them!A good trained licensed substance abuse counselor can facilitate one...they are done like u see on Intervention show....each person has a script of how the loved ones drinking has affected them.. using I statements and concern that if this goes untreated more disaster will occur...which we know is a given!

[sograteful828]

i would just say this sounds alot like me, thats for sure....she has to b eready to get help, but gosh, i had almost the exact same behaviors and treated my husband so bad. dont blame yourself, but dont enable her either. the longer the disease takes over, trust me the worse it gets, i tell you that from the heart....as i am preparing to go to court as we speak....drinking, if you are an alcoholic, will end you up either dead or in jail...there are no happy endings unless the proper help is given and the person is ready to surrender, and get the help offered.

sorry you are going through this, i know first hand how hard this is on a spouse...maybe check out an al-anon meeting for families of alcoholics, you might get support and some answers there...you will feel so much better when you realize you are not alone....

best wishes to you...

[dominosarah]

I really cant add to much of anything as you have been given excellent advice from all the above people.  I will say it is time for YOU to take care of yourself and your kids.  Check out Alanon again.  Addiction affects the entire family.  You are not to blame for your wifes addiction but there are things you can do to no longer enable her.  I wish you the best.........sara

[JosieKat]

I can relate to your situation as well. My husband and i went through this a few years ago. Things are much better now. I have some information that I wanted to share with you, and it also goes into how I worked out, and am still working out my issues. I sent a  message to your page because some things were personal, but i think it might help your situation. I hope you will check it out before you make any decisions. Good luck to you both =o)

JK

[JosieKat]

Hi again-
I meant to include this link in my last post but I will add it now. Perhaps it can help others too. Just copy and paste it into your browser, there are also some video testimonials. I think you will get some additional insight into your situation. I'm hopeful for you both. Here is the link:

http://www.floridadetox.com/alcohol-rehab.asp?mnu=sub7

[confusedangry]

Thank you all for the advice and the sharing. It is helping me understand what is going on and where I need to focus. What a crappy situation. I am most worried for the kids.

I think I am going to go to an alanon meeting. I have to work out some guidelines for my behavior so I don't enable. It's not a joke anymore and I can't pretend that there is no issue. I don't think I will feel so hurt and angry if I remember that this is a disease and a serious medical issue to be dealt with like any other.

She won't discuss her drinking with me so I will have to act alone and do what I can to create a better situation for now.

Thanks again. I am now less confused and not angry but very sad.

[ibizan]

That is a very good first step...to attend an Al-Anon meeting...so many there who have walked and still walk in ur shoes.Please let us know how ur first meeting goes!