I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly. My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking. If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention. If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine. Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper. I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?
i dont know much about this stuff, but honestly eah id say your wife has a drinking drinking problem, and i dont blame you at all for being angry, if my spouse did that regularly at social gatherings and embarrassed me like that i would be pissed off too. if i were you id have a heart-to-heart with you wife about her drinking and how it makes you feel.
This is my opinion only but yes she is an alcoholic,you have just told my own story with alcohol,my husband always drove when we went out,I'd keep drinking until there was no more alcohol or when I was that drunk I'd let my husband persuade me to leave as time went on I stopped going out and started drinking in my bedroom my husband knew what I was doing but not how much,I'm sure she's probably drinking more than what you see.by the time I was 47 I was drinking 3 to 4 x 1litre bottles of Bacardi a week my husband had no idea it had got that bad.Do you know if she uses any meds as well.I found when I couldn't get as drunk on alcohol i started taking codeine as well.Don't get angry it won't do any good just try talking to her calmly when she's not drunk,let her know your worried about her but she is the only one who can decide to quit.It took me till I was 47-73 days clean and feeling great.
Hi. Alcoholism is best diagnosed by the problems that someone's drinking causes, and based on your description, I'd say your wife qualifies. Your best resource is alanon, and your wife may be to the point of requiring medical assistance to detox. Your anger is understandable, as alcoholics, we usually hurt the ones that love us the most. Your wife may be a wonderful person in all other respects, but continuation of her drinking will likely erode these away in time as well. That being said, if she is an alcoholic, she is suffering from an illness that is progressive, incurable, and if left untreated, fatal. Alcoholism is the third leading cause of preventable death in the Us, be it through physiological damage, accident, or suicide. In addition it also sickens those close by as well, often requiring alanon and/or counseling. Hope this is helpful and take care, GM
Alcoholism is a disease that thankfully can be treated to relieve the drinking. I am an alcoholic and will be the rest of my life. I have not had a drink in 13 years thanks to the AA program. AA may feel uneasy and wierd at first but it is the best medicine out there for alcoholics, and it works. She may slip up a few times before she finally gets it right but it can by done. There is no cure for it but it can be treated like any other disease so your whole family can live a happy normal life. Sounds like she may need an intervention. Rather then going into details about an intervention, call your city or state Alcoholism Board or Agency and talk to them about it. She has to want to get well. You can't force it on her. I would highly recommend you and your daughters get to an alnon meeting so you can understand this disease and meet people that have gone through what your famiily is going through.
Wishing your whole family success with this disease.
there is indeed quite a problem here!how does it affect your children?i would contact your county substance abuse outpatient facility and get advice on how to proceed.You have to be careful with interventions.....they are not a guarantee someone will awake to their problem or seek treatment...some facilities charge a couple thousand $$$$ to do them!A good trained licensed substance abuse counselor can facilitate one...they are done like u see on Intervention show....each person has a script of how the loved ones drinking has affected them.. using I statements and concern that if this goes untreated more disaster will occur...which we know is a given!
i would just say this sounds alot like me, thats for sure....she has to b eready to get help, but gosh, i had almost the exact same behaviors and treated my husband so bad. dont blame yourself, but dont enable her either. the longer the disease takes over, trust me the worse it gets, i tell you that from the heart....as i am preparing to go to court as we speak....drinking, if you are an alcoholic, will end you up either dead or in jail...there are no happy endings unless the proper help is given and the person is ready to surrender, and get the help offered.
sorry you are going through this, i know first hand how hard this is on a spouse...maybe check out an al-anon meeting for families of alcoholics, you might get support and some answers there...you will feel so much better when you realize you are not alone....
I really cant add to much of anything as you have been given excellent advice from all the above people. I will say it is time for YOU to take care of yourself and your kids. Check out Alanon again. Addiction affects the entire family. You are not to blame for your wifes addiction but there are things you can do to no longer enable her. I wish you the best.........sara
I can relate to your situation as well. My husband and i went through this a few years ago. Things are much better now. I have some information that I wanted to share with you, and it also goes into how I worked out, and am still working out my issues. I sent a message to your page because some things were personal, but i think it might help your situation. I hope you will check it out before you make any decisions. Good luck to you both =o)
I meant to include this link in my last post but I will add it now. Perhaps it can help others too. Just copy and paste it into your browser, there are also some video testimonials. I think you will get some additional insight into your situation. I'm hopeful for you both. Here is the link:
Thank you all for the advice and the sharing. It is helping me understand what is going on and where I need to focus. What a crappy situation. I am most worried for the kids.
I think I am going to go to an alanon meeting. I have to work out some guidelines for my behavior so I don't enable. It's not a joke anymore and I can't pretend that there is no issue. I don't think I will feel so hurt and angry if I remember that this is a disease and a serious medical issue to be dealt with like any other.
She won't discuss her drinking with me so I will have to act alone and do what I can to create a better situation for now.
Thanks again. I am now less confused and not angry but very sad.
lucas46 from Finland..quite a different cultural view on the drinking....we know regulated drinking not possible with what has been described......and i laughed at the statement"your wife deserves it??????jeesh!
I don't get some people,I've tried regulating my drinking habits many times but it never lasted long 1 day a week led to 2 then to 3 etc.I admit I would love to have a drink 1 night a week but if I'm honest with myself I know it doesn't stay at that.
We kinda lost your stuff there, didn't we? So - yeah - your lady is an alcoholic. How is that Alanon going? Leave your book laying around where she can look at it. My family did that with me. Kinda helped.
Still digesting the latest round of posts on this thread...
My dad went into the hospital for almost two weeks with serious heart problems. We thought he was a goner this time. By some miracle he is home and doing fine now. I spent Thanksgiving week driving my mother back and forth to the hospital every day and I crashed at my parents house which is 2 hours from my home. I'm back home now.
My wife was making an attempt to control her drinking before I left to help my dad. I guess it was because of our last fight. Things were pretty cold between us for a while. While I was gone I made sure to call home each night. She was drunk most nights. I worried a bit for the kids but it appears that she only drank at home and didn't drive drunk. She has been really good about not driving after she has been drinking. I figured if there was a fire in the house or some other emergency then one of my daughters, 10 and 13, would be able to get everyone out of the house or call 911. That's how I rationalized the situation.
The alcohol is flowing again. We hardly talk. It's lonely and sad. Not sure the kids notice. Just thinking about tomorrow.
As for your wife, your kids know what is going on. I always thought i was hiding it from mine and i was wrong. You do understand that the fire rationalization isnt very healthy dont you? I hope you will really check into some sort of aftercare for yourself and your kids. You cant change your wifes behavior. You can only change yours and how you react to the situation. I hope your wife will see the light real soon. Families can be just as sick as the addict. Keep posting as we are here for you sara
I am an adult child of an alcoholic mother and also a recovered alcoholic. Your children need to be of the utmost concern right now! You need to understand that alcoholism is a disease of the mind ! If your wife can't drink like a normal drinker now today, she never will again ! I sure hope you don't leave her alone with your children when shes drinking this will definitely affect your childrens emotional and social wellbeing. Do your best to remove you and your children from this enviroment or it will be detrimental in the years to come. Take your children to alanon with you, so they can understand how not to live with the shame and guilt they with no doubt are feeling. If you can, try to take over your wifes responsibilities with the children, maybe get some help from friends or family. However, the sooner she hits her bottom the sooner she'll find recovery. ALL OF YOU STOP ENABLING HER!!!!! You nor your children can get her sober she has to want it for herself ! And please remember that this is not who she is, I'm more than sure that behind her drinking there is a beautiful and intelligent woman . Don't give up on her, when her consequences become severe enough she'll have no choice, but to admitt to herself that she is an alcoholic. Until that day I wish you and your family well and will pray for you. PS. You can sincerely ask GOD to allow her to be the woman and mother he intended her to be. Bye for now, T
Thank u for your post here...I so agree.......we all hope and pray she wakes up but she may not....day job substance abuse counselor for 24 years...i been sober/clean 26 years...I see way 2 many who don't wake up...we all know its a personal choice to take responsibility for ones addiction...no one else can clean/sober u up but urself!
Tell me ? How does one become an addiction counselor w/ 2yrs clean. I noticed you mention alot, how much time you have. In recovery where I come from, it's not about how much time you have. We only have today ! How is, or where is your spirituality ???????
in Ohio it now takes a bachelors degree or masters degree in social sciences.I have the latter.More educational requiements are added for the bachelors level.Then one has to complete 280 hours of continuing education classes that are approved by the state licensing board of addiction counselors.Then u have to pass a written and oral exam.Then you have to have 4000 hours of paid employment xperience!The requirements for this vary from state to state.How and where is my spirituality?Very well grounded indeed.......for on a daily hourly basis i witness ppl destroying themselves in denial,children being affected, I listen to instances of rape,incest,child abuse, animal abuse.divorce,lost jobs damaged health..u name it i see it and hear it!One has to know how to set limits with others and take care of themselves for it is a job that can and will devour one if u let it.I can only help those that are willing to help themselves!Plant seeds hope folks will water them and let them grow!The joy of my week are those working on their recovery and a group i run of folks trying to change their lives...most of them heroin addicts who are trying hard!
4got to add that once u get certified and have a license u have to attend contineuing education hours to keep the license.I have 2 licenses so i have to attend 40 hours every 2 years for the one...and 30 hours every two years for the other.
I loved your reply to tbird601,why do some people have to be so condescending,tbird can't question your qualifications now not that it matters anyway this is a public forum we say what we believe.Congratulations on your masters by the way Denise
Without spirituality and living in the day it would be most difficult to stay sober for long, When giving advice you speak from experience, for one recovering time under your belt is experience. Many talk the talk but few walk the walk, anyone who choses to becomes an addiction counselor is walking the walk as far as I am concerned...Keep up the good work Ibizan...
thank u both!it does help that i've been in the shoes of so many that pass thru this door..and in my recovery group i never 4 got what it was like in the beginning....never....still have vivid memories!keeps me sober/clean!taking care of oneself in recovery is so important as we 3 well know..for if we don't care for ourselves who will?we have to do the work...spiritually,emotionally,physically etc!
Any person who comes in contact with ibizan is lucky. Life experiences speak volumes to these people who come thru the door. The books teach us a ton but when it comes to addiction you have had to walk the walk also. Kudos to you ibizan!!
This forum is amazing and that is due to the great people we have on here......sara
I look at your problem from a different perspective because I was you (only female) 12 years ago. My husband didn’t embarrass me when we were in social situations together but we live in a small town and we had a local business and he was able to drink on the job. ….’nuf said….
Alcoholism runs rampant in his family and I knew from his drinking that he had a problem. It took a lot on my part but I chose not to be confrontational about his escalating drinking. We would have gentle but honest conversations about it and I would briefly check in with him every so often and ask him if he still had a handle on his drinking. I knew he did not but HE had to come to that realization on his own. During that process he viewed me as being on his team, which I was, and he kept the doors of communication wide open.
We are now divorced BUT the parting of the ways had more to do with his volcanic recovery than his drinking days.
I guess you've figured out that yes, your wife is an alcoholic. I do not have any great words of wisdom for you as I just got my husband to admit that he, too, is an alcoholic and am still reeling from the whole situation myself.
I just wanted to offer that my husband started AA in July. He did really well for about 40 days, then went to sporadic meetings, and then went to none and the whole process started all over again. He makes incredibly terrible decisions while drinking (ie: driving, driving the kids, working, going to meetings and who knows what else I don't know about) but he is not physically abusive.
It's a hard psychological roller coaster you are riding & even when the drinker seems to stop, there is no guarantee he/she will not pick it up again. If there was ever a love/hate relationship defined, it must be hating the love of your life because he/she has become someone you don't know anymore.
I was raised in a home with an alcoholic father.....as a child I cried, begged, pleaded for him to stop drinking....but of course that was an impossibility for him. My vision is my mother & I leaving him crying when she divorced him...fast forward...I am now married to a "problem drinker" and I'm mad as any human can be and feel great animosity and no respect for this person....can't get over the feelings that this is just my dad all over again!!!
Hi Awice - I stumbled on this forum today and find that I am right there with the originator of the thread. A spouse that drinks daily and frequently far too much. Follow the lead of many here and go to a support meeting and don't blame your dad or yourself. Those who wish to drink will do so until they decide not to and seek help. I am regularly blamed as the reason why my wife drinks but I do not pour not do I hold a gun to her head and make her do it. I am sad and angry at how our life has come to constant bickering and fighting. I have said a number of times "It's the booze or me, take your pick" - I am sad to say that she has chosen the former more frequently than me. Alas, I remain in the relationship because I truly do love her, but I hate her habit. Here's hoping for brighter days ahead. All the best to everyone on the thread with their issues!
I can identify with the issues you are both discussing. It is not for me to say in finality whether someone has a problem with a alcohol, yet I do know when I am bothered when someone close to me is exhibiting behavior related to drinking alcohol. This is the key thing to me.... how is it I feel, what am thinking about myself, etc when I am around someone who is drinking.
I am remarried with the women I thought was the love of my life. Now I realize I seeking something in my first marriage which I thought I would receive in my second marriage.
Little did I know I was a people pleasing/attention sucking individual, with low self-esteem, mommy/women issues, needing to be in control, rageaholic, etc.
So in a way I am happy I have an alcoholic in my life ... otherwise I am not sure how long it would have taken for me if ever to know these character defects about myself.
living with active alcoholism for me requires grounding in knowing I did not cause the problem, I can't control the problem, I can't cure the problem, and I will not condone the problem of alcoholism in my loved one.
I am trying to learn to live to take care of myself spiritually, physically, and enrich my life with relationships.
My wife is almost an identical copy. We've been together for 20 years. When I met her she was drinking bottles of cheap Martini a day. At any function with friends she would get absolutely drunk. She was extremely drunk on several occasions such that she couldn't walk. I just out up with it. The moment alcohol touches her lips, she carries on drinking until drunk and then until completely drunk. She doesn't think there is anything wrong in drinking two bottles of wine. She also thinks that she does nobody any harm - to her getting completely drunk should not bea problem for anybody. I've tried t otalk to her, but I am unable to communicate to her how drinking behaviour is affecting my life. Our whole free time is spent around drink. She will do the same routine every weekend. From Friday to Sunday she will be drunk. Then during the week she will be drunk a least two days. Sometimes she's drunk all week. However, she will not admit that her drinking patterns are problematic. I don't think I can handle it anymore. She's a great person, I love her very much, but I am sure that I am second best next to alcohol. I don't know how to deal with this issue.
Wow . Its a carbon copy of my own wife . I certainly understand your situation . I dread any party , BBQ , Sunday dinner , holidays , etc, etc . . . . If I know there is an event coming up that we have to show up to , my mind instantly thinks of this upcoming day and how the night eventually pans out . If its 2 weeks till the party or whatnot , its on my mind until then . Its a living nightmare . And it all ends the same way . An arguement is inevitable . Bad ones . But it doesnt always need to be a social event . She binges out and will hit the bottle a few times a week . And again , an arguement . The verbal abuse is beyond normal . Just a nasty drunk . And legless drunk doesnt need to be the case . I'm taking 1 glass of whatever and shes a different person . I almost feel she is allergic to alcohol . . I have learned that there is not talking to anyone who has been drinking . Every word that came out of my mouth was taken completely wrong and is the catalyst for an explosive confrontation . Almost like a bully . I wish I had videotaped some of these drunken stupor nights of abuse because as I try to explain it the next day , half of it she has no recollection of . I sympathize with anyone who is in this type of situation .
Because I am with her for 31yrs . Since she is 15 . Been married 25 . I'm in it for the long haul . She does know she has a drinking problem but like many others she has it "under control" . Shes never seeked help . I think its more denial than anything else .
have the last 31 years seemed to pass quickly in retrospect?then the next 31 will go even quicker!what kinds of things do u enjoy doing together?does she have a sober moment?indeed it is denial w/this illness!
Quick ? . . . Beyond quick . LOL . Were into music and just about anything , really . Its just that I'd rather not do something where alcohol is readily available because then its all about the alcohol . Cant go out for dinner because she'll knock 3 down before dinner even comes . Then she dont eat because she'd rather drink . The cycle ***** . Shes a good person thats just not getting it completely .
It has been a long time since I posted the original note in this thread. My kids are doing great. The make good decisions, get good grades, have good personalities, and are poised for a good launch into adulthood. I would like to thank this forum for serving as a reminder that they are most important. The oldest is a rising Senior in high school and the youngest is a rising Sophomore. I am still very aware that growing up in this environment will have some sort of effect on them both. I am hopeful that we are on a very good path and it continues.
Things are still the same with my wife. I avoid social settings with alcohol to protect myself from the embarrassment. I have even left the neighbors house without her. I figured she could walk 100 feet without me as an escort. I avoid discussing important topics after she opens the wine. We now spend our evenings on different floors in the house and then retire to the same bed at different times without saying goodnight. We have found a dysfunctional balance. As I type this, I am realizing how sad the facts sound when I present them bluntly.
A forum member asked how my wife was doing and I am grateful for the question. I realize thar she has a perspective on the situation. To be honest, she does not express her feelings, thoughts, or desires. I imagine that she is not as happy as she desires. My beautiful, smart, funny wife has simplified her life to revolve around the children, facilitating all their activities, playing candy crush on the computer, cooking dinner, and drinking wine. I am not sure she looks forward and thinks about her/our future. I am 46 and she is 50. I often think forward to the empty nest phase of our life and wonder if we share the same desires. I am having trouble finding the right words. I think,,, she could be happier... is missing out on quite a bit of life now... she might not be looking forward anything past 4-6 weeks at a time.
subdued and a bit sad... but not so confused or angry
it seems as if sharing the same desires has trickled away with all the wine.....you could be happier....you are missing out on a lot of life now....everyday every hour of every day all of us...including u make choices....she is making hers....glad to hear your children are doing well!
I am a new member on this board. I am exactly like your wife except there are a few differences. Yes, I do everything you said she does BUT I have become a recluse. I never want to be around people. I want to be at home by myself drinking. Our problems are about me never wanting to get out and do activities with other parents and stuff at different non-drinking gathering. I started drinking because I didn't think my husband cared about me anymore. We moved to a state where I was very unhappy, but the kids were happy, so my husband wouldn't consider a move. I think I started drinking 10 years ago to get back at him. It is the one thing that I could control in my life despite feeling like everyone else controlled me. I was thin and attractive before the move, but I started packing on the weight- another thing that happened because of the alcohol. I got severely depressed. I worked with a miserable group of people for 8 years. The more I worked with them, the more I drank. Every single person in my life was a real downer except my husband-for the most part is a good guy, and I love him, and I love my kids. I am totally not exaggerating and trying to make everyone else the bad guy, but you have no idea how many toxic people came into my life to build on the already toxic extended family and friends I had. My husband would absolutely defend me on that point. I began to realize over the last 5 years that yes, I was the problem, but also if I wanted to be happy, I have to quit allowing toxic people into my life, so I started eliminating those relationships one by one and limiting contact with ones who I couldn't break a bond with because I loved them. The first thing I did was quit my job. I knew that the drinking was wrong. I know my children had to know even though I was trying to hide the drinking. I hated myself. I love them so much, I felt like a total failure. They loved me despite all that and always tell me what a great mom I am- even though I have let them down sorely.
Your wife probably thinks oh well, it's just wine, no big deal, but the truth is that eventually it will kill her just like it is slowly killing the rest of us. She probably justifies it in her mind just like I did. She probably doesn't like being dependent on it. But then, you start the drinking, you feel so great and all you cares go out the window. I hated the fact that it took more and more alcohol each year to get that feeling- very different from the beginning of my drinking. I don't like being middle aged, I think it's really depressing for a lot of people, but I am getting used to it.
Here is how my husband handled it (I quit drinking last Friday):
My husband hated it. He nagged me all the time. He told me almost every day how I was killing myself and how concerned he was about me. When I would need more alcohol, he would go get it for me- not because he was encouraging me, but because he didn't want me to get a DUI. When we had to be around family or whatever on a trip out of town. He would help me hide it from other people. Not because he wanted me to drink but because he wanted to keep my dignity and didn't want other people to know for my sake. He never gave up every day. Nag nag nag. We started sleeping in separate beds about six years ago and I really started to hate him. But honestly, when he would buy me the alcohol, I would think how hard it was for him to do it, and how sweet he really is deep down. I got fat, he never left me. I became an alcoholic, and he stayed. Wow, he must really love me. He tried to help me every day.
Today I have the greatest respect for him even though we need to get our relationship to a better place. I know that this has been very difficult for him too. I am no longer angry at him. We have been married twenty years. Sure, he's never remembered an anniversary, and he never buys me a birthday or xmas present, but I have learned to let my anger go. He is still the ONE person that I can always depend on no matter what and that is not easy to find nowadays.
This WHY I quit. I could have spent the rest of my life drinking. I loved the way I felt when I was tipsy. However, like I said, it is after all killing those who do it day by day very slowly. I started developing some health problems, I started to have diarrhea. My body started having a strange odor. I had to be put on a new pill every year. My lab work started coming back with some things that eventually the Dr. would be able to put 2 and 2 together and figure out that I was an alcoholic. Medical people can kinda look at drinkers and tell anyway because a lot of them have a weird shape. I just feel gross. I could never ever tell anyone that I drink in public. I would be so embarrassed and ashamed. I personally could not go to an AA group because I am a recluse and I tend to find it disturbing to tell people about this. Doing it alone is best for me. I woke up and realized that all my anger, sadness, defiance in drinking was only hurting me, but actually my kids would suffer the biggest loss because I wouldn't be around with them much longer. In the end I would be some kind of invalid and my husband would be taking care of me, and I would die at a very early age. I kept telling myself that I had not been drinking that long, but then I realized that 10 years of damage has been done, but it is still OK if I stop now because my liver enzymes are ok. However, I can tell that it is getting harder and harder for my liver to handle the alcohol and toxins are starting to build up. The first 2 days is the worst, after that mentally it was a breeze, but my first post on the forum details some detox problems I had. It is even more proof that I stopped before it was too late. I love not being chained to a bottle. I love that I can get out in the evening if I have to and take my youngest child places. My oldest child was #1 in her class. Now starting college. It's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and focus more on those I love. My kids are such good kids. I am so lucky. I want to have many more years with them.
I know your wife loves you, she just can't get out of the ritual that goes along with it. She's probably mad at herself mainly. Trust me- she's not proud of it. Good luck to you.
Thank You for posting!I've been sober/clean for 29 years.Did it the traditional way in 1983,25 day inpatient-was lucky to have insurance that allowed it,plus regular attendance at AA/NA.And YES_removing the toxic ppl from our lives!There are many roads to recovery.Sounds like u've designed yours that is working!This is a stat that hasn't changed much in years....9 out of 10 women remain w/an addicted/alcoholic partner-spouse,while 9 out of 10 men will LEAVE a woman in the same state!U r fortunate to have ur husband.Keep on the sober wagon and pls keep us posted here!Sobriety is a 360 degree lifestyle change plus keeping in mind all we have to be grateful for!
Thank you for sharing your experience also. The main reason that I decided to do it alone is because of the severe shame. Also, I am a professional and have to answer questions about alcohol or drug treatment to renew my license. One day I heard two Dr.s talking about a patient who was scaring them because they didn't know when to time the Librium (they were residents) to keep him out of DTs. They said at one time you could order a beer from the pharmacy, but they don't allow it anymore, but I heard the Dr.s say that a little bit of alcohol was the best treatment to ward off the withdrawal. I was completely determined to quit, so I watched my BP- I have a BP monitor, drank just a little alcohol on the second day and just sort of rode it out after that- the worst symptom being GI. I probably should have had a drink on the third day but my stomach was hurting. After 2 days I definitely didn't feel like I wanted anymore because I had lost my satisfaction with having to drink more and more every day to achieve that high anyway, so what good would it do to take a drink when it would take a ton of alcohol to get me high. It was just becoming too much of an effort. Also, I had some lab work done with my GP and my uric acid was elevated from drinking red wine I guess, and my red blood cells were elevated probably because I had depleted all of my B vitamins. Every lab that I looked up that was abnormal referred to alcoholism. My ALT/AST was only slightly elevated so my dr. wants to do a abdominal sonogram. I do not want to have this test done because eventually he is going to find out. This, plus I started having diarrhea and a body odor just out of the blue one day. I thought I had picked up a stomach bug but after I saw the lab work I knew that I could not hide it anymore. My doctor actually called me today about the sonogram. I told him that I am feeling great and the diarrhea has subsided (which is actually true). I am blowing him off for awhile to see if I can get myself back under control before I have it done.
Another thing that helped me is that I have been in denial about my BP. My dr. prescribed Benicar for my BP. I didn't want to take it, but I knew I had to. I have heard so many people complain about how their BP med makes them tired. I know it sounds weird but I got a high off this drug. It is in the ARB class of BP meds, so I did a little research and found that it is actually also used for people with stress disorders and migraines. Also in men it can improve sexual function. It is not filtered through the liver and it helps to protect the kidneys and eliminate sodium. AND it can reverse pulmonary and liver scarring and reduce inflammation and help the body fight infection.
I am VERY lucky to still have my husband. He got mad at me when I went to the ER the other night because my gut hurt so bad, I thought I was dying, plus my kidney's hurt, and my belly got really big with fluid. We have a $1,000 deductible. Luckily all of my labs were completely normal in the ER. Today I actually admitted to my husband that is was a withdrawal symptom, and the main reason that I figured it out is because I found this website and listened to similar stories, and I started to just get better and better each day off the alcohol.
I am finally starting to pee today so I am hoping that the fluid is coming off. I have heard a lot of people say drink a lot of water, but I have to disagree. My ankles looked like jumbo the elephant. With fluid volumes like I was experiencing I did some reading and found that they would actually be giving me diuretics if I was in the hospital and an antibiotic because the fluid in your abdomen can get infected. I read that most of your calories should come from carbs and protein should come from a vegetable source like beans and rice. A super B complex vitamin-(which is not broken down by the liver or stored in the liver). B vits get depleted in alcoholics and it causes some anemia issues like B12 deficiency which is needed to make red blood cells. My readings also recommended and limiting sodium.
I feel so sorry for confusedandangry. I think he is a real trooper like my husband. I am so happy to have found this website to have someone to talk to, and maybe I can help someone else in a similar situation. Thanks everyone here that has or is still struggling. I do believe that AA is not for everyone. This is a great alternative.
I know that I am being a real wind bag, but I can't help but feel so bad for what you are going through and your situation is so similar to mine. I just wanted to add that I guarantee you that your wife is drinking a lot more than you think while you are at work. By the time you get home she is probably still totally functional, but I am guessing that she won't eat much dinner because it will mess up the buzz she worked so hard for. I love it when my husband would be gone. That's when I drank my best. My husband got to where he would watch me like a hawk. He kept checking the line on the bottle all evening and he would check the trash. I couldn't have one minute alone where he wasn't watching me. He didn't always say anything, but I didn't fool him after awhile.
In your wife's defense, I think middle age is very hard for some women (I can only speak for women here). At one time when my kids were little I was so busy and my mind was so occupied with them, I didn't have time to think about problems. Now, at 52, I am like what is there to look forward to but old age. I don't feel I have a purpose anymore. Anyway, I am going back to school and it has given me something to look forward to.
I ran across a great volunteer organization the other day called CASA. I think it is nationwide. You can become a court ordered advocate for a child that has been abused and you become the point of contact when they need something. They don't live with you, but you meet with the family and try to help the family figure out what is best for the child. Most important you try to do what the child wants if you can. When I read about it, I thought wow. That sounds like something that I would like. I can't do it because I am in school now, but maybe something that gives your wife something to look forward to where she feels that she is making a difference might really help her.
I have noticed lately that my oldest daughter is starting to drink a lot of wine. She is married. You don't think they are watching you but they are.
Also, I have told my husband so many times that I hate him and want to leave. He just ignores me. I would have been heart broken if he said great, let's get a divorce. I never meant any of it. It was the alcohol. Please just try to hang in there and prayers work wonders. I have been praying forever to get the desire to want to quit, but I had to learn hard lessons first.
Thank you so much for the update!
I hate to say it, but I am your wife. My kids are younger and I'm in my thirties. I did print out your first post describing your wife. It sounded a lot like me, as if my husband had written it. I try to read it before we go out to places to remind me that I need to behave myself. I will update more later, I just don't have the time now, we are taking the kids to a movie. I would have LOVED to have a couple drinks before the movie, but know my husband would be super PISSED if he came home and we had a family outing and I smelled like alcohol. So, I didn't have a drink today. It's a struggle though, especially when you crave it.
I know I need to quit.....
12 Step is not for everyone,but i wouldn't be posting here had it not been for the wonderful examples of long time recovery I met there.I was 28,single, and not one sober/clean friend in the world besides my DD!What is a MUST tho is to have a sober/clean support system....be it friends,if church helps u and u like what u find there,a positive social group.....whatever helps u to keep your mind active w/positive activities and enjoyment!
This thread along with both of your stories have touched me. Thanks for taking the time to share your experiences. I am not in the best position to give advice but I do want to encourage you to continue making positive changes.
I know that every foot, every inch, every fraction of an inch that my wife moves in the right direction encourages me. I behave better, I am encouraged, and our relationship benefits from both our actions. I know it must be hard for her to address her drinking. I can't do too much to directly help her with the drinking, however, I can pick up more of the work regarding the relationship issues. I'd like to think that means something to her and that there is some sort of a tangible reward I can contribute to the process.
Perhaps, your partners are rooting for you the same way I am rooting for my wife. Look past any negative emotion, the stress of hospital/doctor/life events. Be encouraged by their support.
Its 2:46am CST right now. I work a full time job, farm, and help my father with his company. I feel your pain confused angry. My wife and I have been married almost 3 years. I love her a ton and we have a great time together 97% of the time.
I get called the 'fun sponge' when we go out because I'm always having to check in with her to see how much she's had to drink. She went out with a friend tonight and was set to stay with her friend and I was to pick her up tomorrow (Sunday). I was fast asleep after knowing she did not have her car (thankfully) so I knew she couldn't drive home was a peace of mind.
My phone rang at 1:15 am and it was her calling to let me know she is taking a cab home. She then passed out in the back of the taxi. I called and she answered but was in and out of her 'passed out' stage. Then, come to find out, she was passed out in the back of the taxi and was not even able to answer her phone.
I became worried at this point and was prepared to call the Taxi cab companies to try and track her down, hoping this would work. Thankfully the taxi driver answered the phone, got our address, and brought her home.
Throwing up in the driveway and not able to walk in the house, she's passed out on the hardwood floor of our brand new home under a few towels I laid down. She's face down and passed out on her stomach.
I'm not able to have a good time at social events because I'm always babysitting her and watching how many drinks she's had. She becomes a very 'sloppy' drunk when she drinks. Slurring words, stumbling, and often times falls asleep on the way home and is not fun to be around. I find her very unattractive in these times.
We'll talk about this tomorrow I'm sure as this is not the first time this has happened. I truly don't understand. So much affection, joy, and true happiness is lost.
I'm 29 years old and my wife can't stop drinking once she starts if I'm not around to monitor her and be called the 'fun sponge.'
I feel your pain. Thanks for posting.
I googled, "how to tell your wife she has a drinking problem."
Sigh!to you and the other husbands who've posted here.....something needs to be tried!how long do u let this go on?i've been sober/clean 29 years and day job is substance abuse counselor in a rural state funded outpatient agency.I see WAY too many ppl who let this go on for years minus attempting getting coached by a substance abuse counselor on how to do a family intervention.Hiring someone costs BIG bucks!I've done some that haven't worked......the alcoholic/addict refused treatment....and some that've worked....the person went to treatment and is working on their recovery..isn't it worth a try?
I have been dealing with my own alcohol issues for years now. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this issue with your wife. I know from experience the loss of love and disappointment a spouse can have. The look of disgust in my husbands eyes when I have drank too much. Does she know that her drinking is an issue? Does she admit that she has a problem?
Yep, it is worth a try. I have to see if I have the courage.
My wife suffers from OCD too. I/we went down the path of getting her help with that many years ago. It was difficult and we fought until I hit my breaking point. I found the doctors, took her in to her sessions, sat next to her at visits. I asked the doctor if her case of ocd was slight or severe and he placed her above the midpoint. The doctor was great and gave her tapes for listening. She has been on paxil since 2000. I am convinced, somehow the drinking and OCD are related. Perhaps she has been on alcohol since her teenage years and we added paxil in 2000.
I am sure that there is always more to each story than we can put in a post. I am facing the decision to divorce after the kids are out of high school (3 more years), or find the courage to address the issue head on and get her help. Right now, tonight, after the events of this day..... I am thinking about running away screaming.
You can do your best to try and guide her to help.Help is like a football w/the alcoholic-either they pick it up and run with it or they drop the ball and choose to make unwise choices!There is no middle ground!I had to make those hard choices 29 years ago!I understand your concerns with your children-how do they feel @ their mom?
I was a raging alcoholic in my day, and I have to say, I wish that someone close to me, that loved me, and with the right intentions, had of taken video of me when i was out of control. I know it would have made a difference to me as to when I finally got help. Along with all of the other incredible stories and adivice, this is my best advice....take video's and lovingly share with the addict what you know that they don't.........NH
God bless you all.
I took a knuckle to the eye after while going to bed last night.Jokingly, I asked my wife if it my eye was swollen this morning. She doesn't remember hitting me. Is angry when I ask her if she is serious about no remembering and won't answer the simple question "What is the last thing you remember?". Is it possible to go through an evening routine and not remember anything?
I googled "spouse with alcohol problem," and found this thread. My boyfriend and I are not technically spouses, but we've dated for three years and lived together about four months now. I was always a big drinker in high school and college, and I still drink socially. My boyfriend always overdoes it though. We are always the last ones to leave a party, and he is always slurring, stumbling drunk when we go. He sometimes throws up on the way home, and I am always the one who drives. He also drinks when he gets home from work and anytime we eat at restaurants. I knew he was a heavy drinker, but I guess I didn't realize the problem was so bad until we moved in together. We have also started discussing getting married in the past year, so maybe I have just started to consider our relationship becoming a family. I have realized that I do not want to raise a family with someone who drinks this way. I'm embarrassed and feel less and less attracted to him each time this happens. I'm currently in nursing school, and will have to move back in with my parents if we break up. I go back and forth because he is a good person and makes me laugh, but I also feel so much resentment and anger that he just can 't grow up and give up the alcohol. I know that addiction is real, but it is so hard to grasp for me. Thanks for your post! I wish we knew how to make all of our significant others see what alcohol is doing to their relationships.
I am in the same predicament. I have totally given up all alcohol as this was an excuse for my wife to drink. I tried to go out with our friends to socialize as this was my wife's excuse to go out drinking. But just found myself getting angry with her and our so called friends. When you are not intoxicated you notice so many horrible things that wouldn't be acceptable in a non drunk environment. For example I would notice guys, some of them our own friends blatantly flirting with her. Even when i'm around as they think that they are smarter than you when drunk. I could not take this so stopped going out which has alienated me from my these people. Which I have realized were not friends in the first place. My wife says I am being extreme and anti social. My giving up has slowed her down but still she goes out to socialize then ends up stumbling into the house in the early hours. I end up worrying as it is not safe out there especially when she is a single drunk female on her own. I also know that alcohol makes you more likely to cheat as your defences are down.. and I hope that this is not the case with us. One night while I was away on business I heard that she had gone out and end up driving with a guy in his car late. She only admitted this and shrugged it off as him giving her a lift home after I confronted her. I keep feeling like I am so stupid, letting her get away with it. But she just plays it down.. which makes me feel like im crazy. When she is out I lie in bed all night waiting and get angry because i cant sleep. sometimes I just feel like getting revenge and start drinking again! then I catch myself and say i need to be stronger.. but I feel like i need a solution soon or I am going to snap and ask for a divorce. Which I think will break my wife too because she doesn't have any family or real friends to fall back on. I am her only hope. I have also been through bad breakups and love her dearly so do not want to lose her. She is a very stubborn and strong charactered woman so will not listen to anyone's advice and when i confront her about these issues. She truly believes that there is nothing wrong with the situation, but my own head issues. This is truly what u call being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I have the same experience Johnny. I cannot seem to get away from it in my life. My mom was a life long alcoholic who drank heavily from the time I figured it out (at about 12 years old) until her death when I was 36. During many of those years our family also struggled with the full blown alcoholism of my younger brother who still to this day struggles with it. I am now 52 years old and was single up until I turned 42 having stayed away from any prospect of a relationship for all of those years largely due to the affects and after affects of my mothers drinking. When I met my wife the signs were right there in front of me but I chose to largely ignore them and after 10 years together (eight of those married) I am entrenched in what is very obviously another alcoholic relationship. Tried everything so far from the loving caring talks in the beginning to what has evolved into confrontations where she essentially expresses to me that the alcohol is here to stay. Two weeks back she had another of her numerous fall down drunken stupor episodes in front of her ex in laws. Did I mention that when her previous 17 year marriage wrapped up she went through a court ordered alcohol evaluation? She wriggled herself off the hook while convincing herself and everyone else (except I am sure those who were closest) that she could control it. Alcohol abuse is rampant in her family. Her father, younger brother, herself and I believe here second younger brother to some degree all suffer from it. Another family gathering.? Oh boy here we go again you should see the alcohol flow. Her mom just sits back and enjoys while half in the bag herself and says the next day that they all drink like that because they love to see each other! Welcome to my screwed up world. Writing this reply has been very therapeutic as has been reading all of the posts. Time to make a move.
Life is too short to live this way dear........I've been sober and clean now for 30 years!I didn't ask to have the disease of addiction but i am responsible for not allowing it to destroy my life!so is your wife!You have some decisions to make for YOUR sanity!She is making her own choices!
I too am angry. My wife puts alcohol above her family. She's smart, good looking and good socially. She comes from a family of alcoholics. The thing is, she's highly functioning. She's good at hiding her inebriation. I believe she drinks about more than a bottle of wine a day. Tonight I found evidence that she's downing vodka, too...and she always hides her drinking from me (filled glasses under beds, over the washer etc). She does have occasional emotional outbursts...she'll go nuclear over silly issues...and then apologizes for her irrationality the next day. It gets old. It's been an issue for 15 years...she even drank with postpartum depression...told her therapist that she would quit drinking but didn't. I lovingly asked her to seriously reflect on her drinking 2 years ago...she said she likes drinking and wouldn't stop...that it was my problem because I rarely drink. I went to Al Anon and realized that I can't "fix" her. I love so many things about her but I don't know how long I can be supportive of someone who is on a self-destructive path. I haven't been to Al Anon meetings in a few years but I'm going back. I need help. Someone posted a suggestion of leaving an Al Anon pamphlet out for her to find...I may just do that. I've expressed my concern many times over the years. I think she needs to know this situation is not good for our family.
Your wife needs the AA pamphlet A Merry go Round called Denial not an Al-Anon pamphlet!You are on the right path to return to Al-Anon and make some decisions in your best interest.Sad that your wife CHOOSES to like the self destructiveness of her drinking.That you are powerless over!
I found this forum after googling that my wife slurs after one glass of wine. These stories are very similar to mine. We are 45/46 years old, married for 23 years but together for 27. My wife had alcoholic parents (functioning professionals however) and often would tell me of the horror stories when she was young. I witnessed more than my fair share with my inlaws after we were married. My wife was very in tune with the damage an alcoholic household creates even though she always loved her parents deeply. We are very different in that she is gentle and kind and I am Type A, opinionated and judgmental. Up until 4 years ago we had a great life. 4 great kids, a nice home, my wife has never needed to work, has not balanced a checkbook in 10 years and could not tell you what any of our expenses are. (despite my trying to get her to understand and partner in this regard). 16 years ago she was treated for anxiety after developing an issue with retracing her driving routes thinking she had hit someone. Eventually this led to Zoloft. 5 years ago I lost my job and was seriously shaken at the difficulty in landing another good job. We were in good shape financially but my angst and frustration were exposed daily to my children. I was able to land another well paying job. At this point though it seems a switch was flipped. The episodes of my wife getting drunk publicly and embarrassing both of us increased. My wife was always demure and well mannered but not a prude. She started spending more time with a group of women in town who get loaded regularly and are obtuse and crass. She began (or I discovered) hiding wine around the house and finding places to drink in the house. She got loaded on Christmas Eve 2 years ago (around noon) which I discovered after trying to find her. She was in our master bathroom talking to her sister about how I was the worst person ever and that she was going to divorce me the day after Christmas. I listened outside the door for the entire time. I was shocked and felt like throwing up....and I confronted her. She has done this at least one more time with her brother (although I suspect more often given the booze ignites it). There used to be teary apologies the next day. We have tried a Psych Dr. who specializes in alcohol issues as a couple and alone. She went to a couple AA meetings. She declares that she is not an alcoholic and this is me just trying to control her. Our relationship is tense and it is so sad that I have lost this person. We had a row last night after doing something social for the first time in forever and my wife had one glass of wine and was slurring....then more...I told her it was time to go and she was wobbling all over the place. When we got to the car, I asked what happened in there as she seemed to go over the edge pretty fast. She refused to talk and we ended up arguing when we got home. No apologies today as somehow it is my fault. I am not perfect by any stretch and have several emotional flaws. I have gone to a Psych doctor to help. But I fear this is a lost cause and do not know what to do. My kids are paying the price as the arguing is not a good environment for them. I am at wits end with my wife and do not want to ruin my family only to have her realize one day what this was all about and regret everything.
WOW I thought I'd had it bad. My wife also refuses to address her drinking. When she get a good start and begins drinking at noon I know its going to be a rough ride. She now has come up with "she's fallen out of love with me" as her latest excuse for her actions. The problem is I love her, and she means what she told me over the weekend, well that's a game changer. I guess you have the same choice to make.
I just found this thread and have a similar issue but a little different. My wife does not act out drunk at events or gatherings but drinks heavily when she is alone. I can't tell you the number of times I have come home from work and she is passed out drunk b/c she only works part-time. She was fired from one job b/c she kept calling out sick to drink, she has been pulled over twice for DUI and was convicted once, she is verbally abusive when she drinks and she always has an excuse for everything. I call her the Queen of Excuses. I have found empty wine bottles tucked away in every closet/cabinet of the house. She has gone to counseling (I joined during family days), AA meetings, had a sponsor, took antidepressants (which she has stopped taking) and has even stayed with my parents who wanted to help her with a place to stay when we decided to live separately and she could not afford a place of her own. She has broken 2 contracts we wrote regarding drinking after our counseling. She does admit she has a problem with this disease but does not seem to be making a real effort to stop.
We have only been married for a little over 2 years and have been together 5 years. I am thinking divorce is the best option at this point. I have made her parents aware of her problem but they don't know what to do and will obviously choose her over me in any disagreement the way they are. I have no idea what to do outside of divorce. The only other thing I can think of is for her to be on medication for alcohol where the person becomes sick if they drink a sip. I don't know what to do...
Antabuse is old...cheap.... and w/a bad track record......and if she wants to drink and not get sick she doesn't take it!A pill is not hers...or your answer.....she needs to become willing to kick her disease in its ***.....and it doesn't sound like she's willing to do this!You need to put your sanity first.......and make some decisions that are in your best interest!
.I too was googling info on problem drinking etc...and ran across this page. The post could have been written by my husband it's almost identical to our situation. I am the one with the drinking problem and I know he is angry and sad . He has told me so. I am ashamed.
I am trying to get it under control but some days it is hard and I falter and drink. I know my husband hates it and I'm scared I will not be able to completely stop and I will lose him .
I used to drink maybe 5 beers on the weekend but for the last few years it's become more and more often. I am a stay at home mother of two boys 14 and 12 and I don't want them to have a dysfunctional alcoholl abuser as a mother. I drank beer again last night..and I feel ashamed and scared. I know I won't need to detox because I will go a week or so without drinking but I can't seem to go longer than that..I will drink aprox 6-7 beers and I know it affects me on the very first one yet I continue to drink because in all honesty it's not the taste I love..it's the altered state that it gives me..a fake high...an escape...:(
anyway I guess I don't really have a point...I just wanted to say Thank you. It was nice to see I'm not alone...I think I will join your forum...I think it will help me..help myself
Thank you I appreciate it. It will be easy for me to stay away from drinking for the next few days or so because of the shame I feel for drinking too much last night..Plus The truth is my husband doesn't think I am an alcoholic per say...he thinks I have an alcohol problem...I really don't know if there is a difference..I don't have any physical withdrawal symptoms and I don't drink everyday..but when I do...it is very rare for me to just stop at one. I will drink to get drunk..which usually only takes 2 beers but I will not stop at two...I average about six lately...I don't really get loud and sloppy..and I almost never get a hangover...but I know that it is effecting me more than it used to...I don't want to be like this...yet I still drink...so right there...is proof that I have a problem...I think my husband doesn't know that I can't just...stop....or only have a couple now and then...maybe I could but I just don't really want to enough? I don't know...
Come to think of it....I don't think I have ever gone more than a week or so without drinking! (except when I was pregnant I didn't drink at all.) probably since I started college that was over 20 years ago!. It has just recently gotten to the point where I want to drink more often.. I'm sorry if I got a little long winded...I probably shouldn't be posting this in this thread too! I will start a new thread next time.
Thanks for the support. I think I am going to like it here:)
When you repeat a mistake, it's no longer a mistake; it's a decision.
I've made the decision for 17 years to stay with and deal with a spouse with a drinking problem; a spouse whom I believe has always been faithful, but a spouse who becomes belligerent and out of control when drinking. I've begged and pleaded for her to stop, or at least try to moderate this problem. I ask her to stop for the sake of our children. I ask her to stop for the sake of our marriage and my sanity. I ask her to stop for her health. This action makes me a control freak in her eyes.
For 17 years, she's promised to stop. To change. To make better decisions. For 17 years, she's lied. For 17 years, I've baby sat. I've cleaned up her vomit. I've cleaned up her mess. I've dealt with the embarrassment of friends laughing at "the drunk girl".
I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I love my children dearly. I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I don't want to lose all I've worked so hard to gain and achieve.
The heartache and agony of watching someone you love destroy herself has hardened me to a point where I feel nothing for her. Sure, I do care for her and love her, but I don't LOVE HER. I haven't for a very long time. At this point, I don't think that love can be regained.
Since I've repeated this mistake over an over and over, I have no one to blame but myself for allowing it to perpetuate. I've made this decision.
Now, I must make the decision to change.
The original post is nearly a photocopy of my life. I find myself embarrassed and angry with my wife for her repeated lies, promises and failures.
I'm now trying to find the courage to move on from this marriage. I can't imagine all the pieces that I'll need to pick up. It seems impossible....but I must try,. I can't stand the thought of hurting her like this. Although, we've both said it. We have openly admitted neither of us are happy. I want her to be happy, but I don't think she ever will be....not until she admits she has a problem and does something about it.
I fear most for my daughter (11 years old), who sees my wife's problem and comes to me when mommy has had too much to drink. An 11 year old shouldn't have to deal with this, nor should she have to deal with the arguments.
Thank you for the kinds words. Just a little update:
For nearly a month, my wife's drinking has slowed drastically. Along with that, her mood has become worse. This isn't anything new. With threats from me often come periods of little/no drinking. Sometimes these are refreshing and happy times, but generally these times are problematic due to her WANTING to drink. She will hint that she wants to go do things....things that generally "require" drinking. She will regularly ask that we partake in such activities, then became angry when I don't want to. I choose not to, because I know what will happen. Last night, she mentioned going to the lake. The lake was and always has been an excuse to get hammered. Going to our friends house and sitting around the fire pit is always an excuse to by a 18 pack of bud light. Camping...same thing. For years we couldn't get in the hot tub without at least 2-3 drinks. Unfortunately, we have no activities we can enjoy without her wanting to pack a cooler. And if she does refrain from drinking during these activities, she acts depressed or angry.
Last weekend, we did go to the lake. And she did drink. I admit, I did, too. And our emotions got the best of us. I twice told her what I've been too much of a coward to tell her previously....that I'm done being hurt. She baited me into saying our marriage was a mistake (basically, she said our marriage was a mistake, and I wholeheartedly agreed ) and I finished the conversation with "you aren't worth the heartache any longer". The next day we had a civil conversation about our heated argument, and I admitted my feelings were true. She admits her feelings were not true, and she was being manipulate.
I feel guilt and shame for not loving her. But the honest truth is, she disgusts me. How do two people get to this point? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Good evening Ship. I'm sorry for what you are going thru It broke my heart reading your last sentence. No you are not wrong for your feeling's. You are entitled to how you feel. I was the drunk in my marriage I Thank the good spirits I'm no longer and that we are still together but I believe there was a time when my husband felt much the same way as you do.. If your wife is not willing to stop drinking and get connected into some kind of sober living this is Her Decision.. 17 years is a long time to live in a atmosphere that you are not happy in.. Hopefully your wife will stop drinking completely get real and honest with herself when she see's that you are serious about making a life without her. Life is short enough without living it unhappily.. I just wanted to add my support and to let you know that you are not a terrible person You are a person that is fed up with living with a drunk. I get it.. Take care ok and you are correct your daughter does not need to see nor hear this what she needs to see and hear are solutions and our progress towards a healthier way of living for you both, the wife also if she is willing.. lesa
Sorry to hear but completely understand. My husband was at that point just didn't feel like trying anymore bc I was a very mean drunk. It got so bad he put a restraining order on me for 6 months of course I drank whole time n got alot of charges n now I'm n mental health court n that is the only reason he took me back bc I have to sober. But we still drink here n there but him leaving me n I finally seen the ****** person I was made me do alot of thinking we have a kid been married 5 yrs. N drinking isn't worth losing the only 2 ppl I love. Maybe taken a break and leaving let her know just how serious. U are that u don't like it will maybe make her understand that drinking really isn't that important. That is if you even feel like trying! Just trying to give advice. N maybe would work if that is what u wanted hope the best for y'all!
wow im going through the same thing. married for 17 years. my wife likes to drink wine or almost anything, when we go to the lake its like 100 bucks just for her wine, gin, vodka..her and her friends start dinking at 4pm till the wee hours.... i get so mad when i get home and my wife has already started drinking wine, at least 3/4 quaters of bottle of wine a night. and alot more if i complain about it or give her the look(ive been told) now she blames me for making her drink so much. when she gets drunk she says that she is been upset for years and it comes out when she drinks.the only problem i have is she drinks too much. every holiday we have gone there is one night of pure hell. and its because of drinking. the next day after ignoring her for a couple hours she comes and says sorry. most of the time she cant remember why she would get so mad at me. it never fails now, after we go out to the pub or have friends over or a fire pit at the lake it ends with me doing or saying that makes her irrate. last time at the lake i took to long to help her out of her chair(i was in the middle of conversation) she called me a bunch of names, i ignored her and went to bed, you could hear her kicking chairs around. next morning she cant remember but its my fault. i dont think there is much help for us. i love every morning with her before i go to work, we have coffee talk even share a kiss. but when i get home the wine has started again..
A few people have posted that they or their spouse seem to get really drunk on just a beer or two. That has started to happen since my wife started taking Lexipro, an anti-depressant. She gets wobbly, slurs her words, starts repeating things over and over, and just isn't herself anymore. This wasn't the way she acted if she drank before the Lexipro; she'd get really cranky and we'd fight. Now I either feel angry or like I don't want to be around her. It's especially frustrating when she is in public or with just another person or two. It seems like it's mostly attention seeking behavior. Sometimes she can talk about it, but mostly she just repeats that she's sorry and she knows she needs help. She's been going to AA, but often comes home drunk, sometimes after the meeting, sometimes instead of the meeting. I'm very worried. I love her, and I don't know what to do, which is how I found this thread. I've been to some Al-Anon meetings, and I'm thinking of going to more. I've copied some helpful writing from this string -- thank you.
Forgiveness and support those are the two things I want to offer and keep in mind when she drinks. She went all 4 days of this weekend without drinking and commented on how great it felt to just be together and be close and be sober. I guess what I'm afraid of that her drinking will get worse. I want to be a helper toward sobriety, but I'm not sure how. Being grounded and aware of my own reactions, so I'm not blowing up or disappearing. Reading all this has given me resolve to be an active part of her healing early on.
Wow.. I have daughters 16 and 14 and everything else is similar to your situation. I've been at my wits end for several years now, but not sure what to do. Do I leave? Do I stick it out? What? The only reason I can't leave is because I know my wife can't make it financially on her own and my daughters. I have no clue whats next.
Drinking is really a big issue especially if this involves addiction, in this case alcoholism. If your partner is suffering from this, it is quite very difficult to adapt and address this problem alone. You should tackle this issue as partners to be able to surpass the many challenges that you have to go through.
How can you say that your wife/husband as a problem with alcoholism? Here are a few signs and symptoms you could check to validate your hunches that your wife might be suffering from alcoholic drinks addiction.
1. You see her constantly irritated and depressed.
As a couple you might have spent a lot of time together so it is easy for you to conclude if your partner is going through something or not. If she suddenly feels irritated and depressed for no reason at all, you could simply conclude that there is an issue for you to discover. How can you associate this with alcoholism? Seeing your wife constantly in jeopardy or feeling incomplete whenever she fails to go out with friends and drink is a sign of alcoholism.
2. She starts to keep things away from you and stays out late at night.
When your wife starts to hide things from you, the places that she goes or the people she spends time with. Staying out late at night till wee hours in the morning is also a sign that she is heavily involved in something she could not do inside the house, just like drinking. When you start to see bottles of wine and vodka in your drawers or in awkward places in the house, alcoholism is indeed in the equation.
3. You fight too often and she ends up having a drinking spree after every fight.
Any stressful situation in your household or between you and your wife would all end up to her being drunk afterwards. When she starts to use drinking as an escape to confrontations any problems that you have to face as a couple, then you can simply conclude that alcoholism does exists and ruins your relationship with her.
Communication is the key to address this problem. Know here reasons why she started to get into drinking. Having a hard time getting into her feelings and the things that she might have in mind? Ask for professional or medical help. Any problem, or in this case, addiction to alcoholic drinks can be addressed with open communication and mature conversation between you and your wife.
I think it is common you get angry with someone who you love. Since she is your wife, you always want the best for her. However, don't be rude towards her because she needs your support throughout her lifetime. I had a friend whose wife had the same kind of problem, but that friend of mine took the challenge of helping his wife with that. I hope you can too. Just consider taking her to a rehab.
I love my wife dearly she drinks a bottle of wine a night, smokes and uses her overseas credit card to buy clothes and expects me to pay the credit card bill, she can't get it that we are not going to get ahead and the international credit charges. We have no children, since moving to Aussie she has found it hard to get a job and keep it, she appears to always have a problem with the bosses.( some of the bosses have been AHoles) We have been married for 5 years. I can't remember a night that she has not drunk, every photo she is in has her with a wine glass and a smoke in her hand. Her wine glass is always filled to to top, not like at a pub, she has problems from her childhood and in the last several years with a family member who committed suicide. She doesn't get on with her mother. I've tried to get us to go for help but she will not go. She will go to friend houses drink on the odd Friday drink a bottle of wine I'll drive, when we get home its time for bed but she will always have another glass. At times when she has asked me to pour a 1/2 for her I have done for a pub standard 1/2 and she has flipped, once at me. I have not drunk in front of my wife other than on or 2 beers, she can't drive or will not get back in the drivers seat since she had a car accideient several years ago. I've mentioned her drinking to our close friends and they have brushed it off, but have offered advice. she doesn't admit to her friends she has a drinking problem when talked about she will say she has 1 or 2 wines a nite , a bottle is 7.5 standard drinks/
I've tried to talk to her about it but she says I don't like anything about her, and why did I marry her.
there are times when I just want to grab her and shake the hell out of her to make her listen and realise I love her and she is destroying herself and us.
I grew up with a father that didn't drive and drunk a lot - I now feel like I'm living the same life as my mother.
My heart goes out to all those who have expressed themselves by posting. It has been a while since my last post. Nothing has changed with my wife's drinking.
I did tell her exactly how I felt before Halloween. I told her about my reservations regarding attending the party with neighbors. I was direct with my prediction of how the evening would unfold. She listened and said nothing. I dressed up like a cowboy and went to the party knowing full well what was going to happen. Before we left the party People were telling me that I had my hands full with my drunk wife. I was mortified again. It sucked all the fun out of the evening and I told my wife what was said and by whom. So now she has to deal with knowing what people really think and she seems a little regretful.
I think I will skip the next costume party or wear a full face mask.
I guess i'm insane because I've stayed in the relationship (can't call it a marriage anymore but not divorced....yet) and have listened to all the apologies, lies, and promises for the last 5 years. She's been in rehab twice, once for a month, then again for 2 weeks about 8 months after her first stint. Each time it's the same story, I'm going to work my plan and stick with it and before 90 days has passed it's back to the same routine. Quits going to AA meetings because her way is soooo much better.
Just this morning she asked me to retrieve her purse from downstairs while she was trying to start her car....but before I could do it, she came charging in and said she'd get it. I knew then that she was trying to hide the fact that she had hid beer downstairs for her nightly drinks. She really thinks I'm that stupid. After she left, it took about 30 seconds for me to find her stash of 4 remaining beers. Natually I poured them out, but instead of tossing the bottles, I refilled them with water and put them back in the cardboard container. She'll probably stop on the way home from work to get an additional supply so it won't be a big deal to her. And, she won't say anything about them being filled with water. it will be like nothing happened. Now that I think about it I should have done it to just 3 of them, and left the untouched bottle where that would be the first one she drank. Then when she opened the rest of them and found water she wouldn't be able to go out after more because of the breathalyzer she was forced into installing in her car after getting caught driving drunk in May.
I've been to AlAnon meetings and there are a lot of good folks there, but there's only so much "keep coming back because it works" that I can take. I know it's a disease with her, but she makes the choice to drink, just like she could make the choice not to stop and get her 12 or 18 pack.
I'm pretty much fed up and tired of it all. No kids at home, I'm retired, she's working for now, but that will come to an end when she shows up drunk or stays home to drink.
WOW!Life is too dang short to continue to tolerate this....she is making her choices to drink.....i do believe you have a LOT of better choices left to begin to restore some sanity...and eventually some serenity to your life!
Just got to the end of the tread and now im alone again, My wife is in the other room drunk from too much wine, my two boys aged 12 and 13 are at a friends for the night.
She loves them so very much but cannot see the harm that her drinking is causing all of us.
Its the night before christmas and we just agreed we will be breaking up our household, I am sooooo scared for my boys wellbeing... Help help help!!!!!!!!
i understand your difficulty and pain, it's hard. I understand it from the other side though. I am an alcoholic. No one can know what it feels like when there is a controlling need for alcohol. Regardless of why we start, it grabs a hold of an alcoholic for the sake of the alcohol alone.
It WILL destroy her. It WILL kill her. If you love her, I would suggest presenting the one thing that will save her, and if you're lucky your marriage. Your kids will have a whole mother again if she agrees.
I will present these as absolutes because they are. She needs to be admitted to a detox facility (usually five to seven days). Immediately following that (immediately means the next day) inpatient rehab, usually two to four weeks. Then, a month of outpatient rehab. These are usually 12 step programs that have proven exceptionally effective. I have gone through these and they are the solution, but she has to be willing to do them. Maybe the threat of divorce.
That is for her, now you. I would strongly suggest you attend meetings of Al-Anon (a support group for families of alcoholics). You will learn more about your wife, how to deal with her, but more importantly, how to cope. I would suggest you commit to two months regardless of what your wife decides. This is very difficult, I know. It can be insidious and destroy a part of you inside. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. They will always need you.
I'd be extremely careful about the anger side of this. Don't underestimate the power of it. You sound like a nice guy and as a rule, and from my own experience as someone people see as "nice", most nice guys eat their pain - the pain, loss, sadness, abandonment, humiliation, and isolation that comes from living with (pardon my bluntness here) a narcissistic, self-serving, glutton. My wife is 25 years into the behavior your dealing with. She now hides here booze inside the house, outside the house, and in the neighborhood - so she can drink on her "walks." I've tried absolutely everything mentioned here. She's so sweet and nice and EVERYBODY loves her (oh yeah, she's also "disabled" by her various conditions). The BEST think I've found is to get away. That's my advise to you - even if you have to live in the same house with her. If she's acting goofy - leave and tell her you're not putting up with it and she can (1) if you're out, find her own way home, (2) pick herself up off the floor, (3) call her own ambulance, (4) sleep in her own room or the couch, (5) eat her own meals by herself ... don't eat anything she cooks. If she doesn't work, take her access to credit and the bank account away. Let her find her own money. Just step away and start to live your own life. Lock a door if you have to. Go out with friends (don't drink or get high) - find a group of real (emphasis real) friends and hang with them doing fun stuff that's wholesome. Take a vacation by yourself or with a good friend. Go fishing. Go camping. Just get the heck away. Take your kids! Let her live in her stupor for a good long while and then when she cares enough about herself and her marriage to come to you (AFTER detox and rehab) ... then SLOWLY trust her on little things ... slowly!!! Don't, repeat, don't have sex with her until she's clean for at least 6 months. Just my opinion based on many wasted years of marriage to this addiction.
So good to take a firm line Walter...life is too short and precious to waste...and the effects of this on young children...who grow into older children are devastating...something the alcoholic is completely blind too as well as their own sickness!
I have precisely the same issue. I am a teetotaller so I noticed the problem very quickly. Sadly, as any psychologist will tell you, there is no solution for you other than to take your kids & leave her. You can't force her to attend rehab by law. There is essentially nothing you can do for her. Unless she accepts that she is an alcoholic she won't be able to help herself, either. Most alcoholics refuse to accept that they are, indeed, alcoholics. The chance of either of us sorting out our respective problems is so low as to make it not worth even bothering to think about. If you can afford to run two homes, leave now. Good luck.
That's almost exactly my story. I was a heavy drinker for many years (beer only), and finally quit a couple of years ago when I noticed how out of control my wife's drinking was getting. I mean, falling down drunk.
My wife is a respected professional and a socially very nice person. Everyone thinks that the sun just shines out of her ***. But over the last five years, her drinking has become steadily worse. She was always a light drinker, but then hooked up with these church ladies, who I call the "wine *******" that get together for Bacchanalian "prayer meetings." The wine and vodka flowed freely. Since then, she is up to nearly a 1.75 liter bottle of Pinot Grigio every single day. My grown kids (18 and 19) have zero respect for her, and neither do I. She is not interested in discussing her problem, because like most raging alcoholics, she doesn't think she has one.
I shun any social gatherings where alcohol where be served, because she will be staggering and slurring along well before the affair ends. I have heard many comments from my own family about her inability to handle her drinking. I am angry and embarrassed, but I have a plan.
I will hang tight until my kids are out of college, and then I'm walking away without any further comment. She can keep the damn house and the damn dogs. I know that everything else will be whacked up (401k, etc) will be whacked up by the courts. But I will still have my sanity, my dignity, and maybe quite few good years left.
Reading these posts has given me a little relief knowing that im not the only one in this situation. Im 37 and im quite certain my wife has a drinking problem. She will use any excuse possible to leave the house and drink. Today was mothers day and we have 2 kids 6 and 11. I was in a bad mood already because when i got home from a very stressful day at work and had to drive through tornados to get home. I come in to find the house in a total mess and the wife and her friend are drunk and letting the 6 year old draw all over himself with a sharpie permanent marker. The 11 year old becomes very defient when his mom is drunk. So she passes out everywhere. We go to see live music and she passes out sitting in a chair in the middle of everyone. I use to help her get up and go home, but i don't anymore. I just leave her be. Anyways, i dumped out a bunch of her wine on friday night when she passed out, so when she came to she called our neighbor to bring her some vodka. She hid this in our bedroom night stand. So on mothers day i could tell she was totally bummed out because what she really wanted to do was go have drinks on some patio somewhere and me and the kids just wanted her to go do something fun with her. So what ended up happening was she went "shopping" by herself for a few hours. When she got home she was well on her way to being drunk. For the rest of the day she kept going back to our room and drinking the hidden bottle of vodka. Im really getting very tired of this routine.
My girlfriend was 43 and passed away earlier this year from the disease - liver completely destroyed. She was with me for 3 years. Was bright, had an MBA and making 200K when with her husband. Husband divorced, lost her job and then her house in the divorce.
Came with me and I saw the drinking but had no idea how bad it would get. She was drinking straight vodka at 7 AM. Would take naps every day - 3-4 hours - at 4 PM and then get up and drink some more. Ran her fancy car into the concrete pole at the gas station. Came home one time and parked in the neighbor's driveway at noon. Went through 5 Parkway tolls without paying one time and slept somewhere in her car when she couldn't find her way back here. If I touched the vodka she would hold a steak knife to my eye and threatened to stab me. Went out in her car one day and told me 'something happened." What happened was she was getting gas and picked up a sharp-looking guy in the car behind her and went behind a building in his SUV and had sex. Also had around 150K worth of clothes in storage bins and in my house - most with the tags still on and was still buying more stuff just like it. It was a total nightmare and I could do nothing about it. I asked her, "Is this what you want to do all day, sit here and get drunk?" She said "Yes, now go die someplace." It wasn't like this in the beginning. I tried everything to stop this when the disease showed itself but I failed. After seeing this beautiful woman destroy herself I want to say this: Yes, you people are right, they have to want to stop. But, guess what? Some of them can't and you just can't sit there and watch the destruction. I found out about the Marchman Act and the Baker Act after she died. These people need to be taken in against their will and it's the only chance. Yes, I know the relapse rate is off the charts but so what? The success rate for voluntary and involuntary rehab is close to the same according to what I could dig up. At least they have some kind of chance. Let them get drunk every day and you'll be visiting the cemetery. Yes, involuntary commitment to a facility is extremely difficult but after what I lived through and witnessed i see no other choice. The person is mentally ill with "wet brain" from the poison and has no idea what planet they're on. How can they be "ready to stop" when they are out of their minds in many cases? Think about it. If you look out your front window and you see somebody banging his head against a telephone pole do you just sit there until he drops dead or do you call a mental health official because it's blatantly obvious the person is sick in the head?
Thank You for posting!You went thru H! and back with this woman!Many here try to intervene,try to get help for their loved ones.BUT when many have been thru rehab,many a time PLUS and still choose to drink and or drug,there isn't much that can be done unless you become an adult babysitter 24/7.I've been sober and clean 31 years now.My brother lovingly intervened on me years back and I must've been ready for my 25 day inpatient stint took hold as well as 12 step attendance and finding the right ppl in recovery.
You are right. I just wish I could have at least gotten her into rehab one time through a forced intervention. It would have been very difficult because she was stubborn and kept telling me she felt *fine* as she turned yellow. I probably would have ended up being a full time babysitter and you just can't live like that. She lost her marriage, home and job at the same time. Maybe the stress was too much. I found a note to her ex husband where she said she was too old to start all over again like he was doing. Look at Jim Carey's girlfriend - recent suicide. Amy Winehouse - vodka suicide. Robin Williams - alcohol, depression, belt around neck suicide. Sometimes the demons win and that's just the way it is.
Robin Williams had the cards stacked against him.....bi-polar,anxiety,chemically dependent then Parkinsons. THEN on top of ALL that a dx of Lewy Body Dementia:(i understand why he took his life.My mom was tortured by it for 15 years.It destroyed her.He knew what the end of it would be and i'm glad he didn't end up like my mom who finally passed in 2014.My dayjob is substance abuse counselor for the past 30 years.I watch ppl who've been thru numerous rehabs w/loads of family support drink/drug.I watch the same w/the opiate/heroin addicts who lose SO much in life and continue to chase heroin.My dear friend of 30 years has a son and his GF who've been shooting heroin for 3 years.She has custody of her 5 year old grandson and the girl is 4 months pregnant,Both in good treatment programs and continue to shoot heroin!What can an adult do?Live their lives as best they can and their children...or loved ones will have to deal w/the consequences of their poor choices!Either ppl have to WANT recovery...or they don't...it is a black and white issue.It was for me!And those SERIOUS @ theirs have made it so for them!
I'm from Australia and I can relate with the stories here. My wife has started drinking heavily for the last 5 years 1-2 bottles a night. I'm a broken man. I'm ready to just give it away I think. I'm angry beyond description. No one seems to be able to say anything that helps. I feel there is no hope
It breaks my heart and brings me to tears reading your stories.
I wish I could just wrap my arms around you all and say it will be ok.
It is comforting to know personally I'm not suffering alone.
The insane rage feeling, helpless ness and pain you go through when you watch your loved one drink and drink until they are an absolute stumbling, passed out mess.
The chaos it causes.
The threats and name calling, bashing texts to him on his phone
Then locking him out and chasing him, yelling and wanting to physically abuse him over the intense anger of how he can selfishly just take off and be gone for hours upon hours drinking.
Why does he need and want to spend all this time talking, hanging out with these people/neighbors? Why does he need to be the life of the party, "look at me" I hate it!
So many nights I've cried and cried myself to sleep to wake up at 1, 2, 3 am still no husband home from partying.
It's so hard because one just can't walk away
When you love someone so much and you have children, a household a life of years of marriage
It is the most devastating and depressed way of living. You carry around this sadness with you every moment.
And always waiting until Friday night,, nervous anxiety sets it as the end of the workweek begins.
It's party time yet again.
Softball game=beer, boating=beer social events, BBQ's=beer
Not a few then home but many 20-30
I mean a lot
I really don't count anymore...
After 20 years I can start to see the impact financial burdens are starting to set in now
I tried to leave last year by following through with my threat, attorneys $ brief separation but then
The fear sets in... It's so hard
Your children are mad at you because your breaking up the family, blame you...
It's a double edged sword..
Enough with my marathon...
I always read these but never comment
When I saw that a husband wrote about his wife and others commented with their stories too
I saw it can be the other way around
The one similarity is the addiction, male or female the disease is still the same.
Thanks for taking the time to read...