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My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?
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My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?

I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly.  My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking.  If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention.  If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine.  Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper.  I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?

Regards, confusedangry
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1085665_tn?1266937517
i dont know much about this stuff, but honestly eah id say your wife has a drinking drinking problem, and i dont blame you at all for being angry, if my spouse did that regularly at social gatherings and embarrassed me like that i would be pissed off too. if i were you id have a heart-to-heart with you wife about her drinking and how it makes you feel.
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1032715_tn?1315987834
This is my opinion only but yes she is an alcoholic,you have just told my own story with alcohol,my husband always drove when we went out,I'd keep drinking until there was no more alcohol or when I was that drunk I'd let my husband persuade me to leave as time went on I stopped going out and started drinking in my bedroom my husband knew what I was doing but not how much,I'm sure she's probably drinking more than what you see.by the time I was 47 I was drinking 3 to 4 x 1litre bottles of Bacardi a week my husband had no idea it had got that bad.Do you know if she uses any meds as well.I found when I couldn't get as drunk on alcohol i started taking codeine as well.Don't get angry it won't do any good just try talking to her calmly when she's not drunk,let her know your worried about her but she is the only one who can decide to quit.It took me till I was 47-73 days clean and feeling great.
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455167_tn?1259261471
Hi. Alcoholism is best diagnosed by the problems that someone's drinking causes, and based on your description, I'd say your wife qualifies. Your best resource is alanon, and your wife may be to the point of requiring medical assistance to detox. Your anger is understandable, as alcoholics, we usually hurt the ones that love us the most. Your wife may be a wonderful person in all other respects, but continuation of her drinking will likely erode these away in time as well. That being said, if she is an alcoholic, she is suffering from an illness that is progressive, incurable, and if left untreated, fatal. Alcoholism is the third leading cause of preventable death in the Us, be it through physiological damage, accident, or suicide. In addition it also sickens those close by as well, often requiring alanon and/or counseling. Hope this is helpful and take care, GM
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1067022_tn?1257777362
Alcoholism is a disease that thankfully can be treated to relieve the drinking. I am an alcoholic and will be the rest of my life. I have not had a drink in 13 years thanks to the AA program. AA may feel uneasy and wierd at first but it is the best medicine out there for alcoholics, and it works. She may slip up a few times before she finally gets it right but it can by done. There is no cure for it but it can be treated like any other disease so your whole family can live a happy normal life. Sounds like she may need an intervention. Rather then going into details about an intervention, call your city or state Alcoholism Board or Agency and talk to them about it. She has to want to get well. You can't force it on her. I would highly recommend you and your daughters get to an alnon meeting so you can understand this disease and meet people that have gone through what your famiily is going through.
Wishing your whole family success with this disease.
bbq33
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Avatar_f_tn
there is indeed quite a problem here!how does it affect your children?i would contact your county substance abuse outpatient facility and get advice on how to proceed.You have to be careful with interventions.....they are not a guarantee someone will awake to their problem or seek treatment...some facilities charge a couple thousand $$$$ to do them!A good trained licensed substance abuse counselor can facilitate one...they are done like u see on Intervention show....each person has a script of how the loved ones drinking has affected them.. using I statements and concern that if this goes untreated more disaster will occur...which we know is a given!
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1060948_tn?1258112064
i would just say this sounds alot like me, thats for sure....she has to b eready to get help, but gosh, i had almost the exact same behaviors and treated my husband so bad. dont blame yourself, but dont enable her either. the longer the disease takes over, trust me the worse it gets, i tell you that from the heart....as i am preparing to go to court as we speak....drinking, if you are an alcoholic, will end you up either dead or in jail...there are no happy endings unless the proper help is given and the person is ready to surrender, and get the help offered.

sorry you are going through this, i know first hand how hard this is on a spouse...maybe check out an al-anon meeting for families of alcoholics, you might get support and some answers there...you will feel so much better when you realize you are not alone....

best wishes to you...
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495284_tn?1333897642
I really cant add to much of anything as you have been given excellent advice from all the above people.  I will say it is time for YOU to take care of yourself and your kids.  Check out Alanon again.  Addiction affects the entire family.  You are not to blame for your wifes addiction but there are things you can do to no longer enable her.  I wish you the best.........sara
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1041722_tn?1255123296
I can relate to your situation as well. My husband and i went through this a few years ago. Things are much better now. I have some information that I wanted to share with you, and it also goes into how I worked out, and am still working out my issues. I sent a  message to your page because some things were personal, but i think it might help your situation. I hope you will check it out before you make any decisions. Good luck to you both =o)

JK
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1041722_tn?1255123296
Hi again-
I meant to include this link in my last post but I will add it now. Perhaps it can help others too. Just copy and paste it into your browser, there are also some video testimonials. I think you will get some additional insight into your situation. I'm hopeful for you both. Here is the link:

http://www.floridadetox.com/alcohol-rehab.asp?mnu=sub7

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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you all for the advice and the sharing. It is helping me understand what is going on and where I need to focus. What a crappy situation. I am most worried for the kids.

I think I am going to go to an alanon meeting. I have to work out some guidelines for my behavior so I don't enable. It's not a joke anymore and I can't pretend that there is no issue. I don't think I will feel so hurt and angry if I remember that this is a disease and a serious medical issue to be dealt with like any other.

She won't discuss her drinking with me so I will have to act alone and do what I can to create a better situation for now.

Thanks again. I am now less confused and not angry but very sad.
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Avatar_f_tn
That is a very good first step...to attend an Al-Anon meeting...so many there who have walked and still walk in ur shoes.Please let us know how ur first meeting goes!
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495284_tn?1333897642
There is no such thing as regulated drinking to someone who has an alcohol problem.    sara
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Avatar_f_tn
lucas46 from Finland..quite a different  cultural view on the drinking....we know regulated drinking not possible with what has been described......and i laughed at the statement"your wife deserves it??????jeesh!
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1032715_tn?1315987834
I don't get some people,I've tried regulating my drinking habits many times but it never lasted long 1 day a week led to 2 then to 3 etc.I admit I would love to have a drink 1 night a week but if I'm honest with myself I know it doesn't stay at that.
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462570_tn?1273636577
We kinda lost your stuff there, didn't we?  So - yeah - your lady is an alcoholic.  How is that Alanon going?  Leave your book laying around where she can look at it.  My family did that with me.  Kinda helped.
Take Care
Tink
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Avatar_n_tn
Still digesting the latest round of posts on this thread...

My dad went into the hospital for almost two weeks with serious heart problems. We thought he was a goner this time. By some miracle he is home and doing fine now. I spent Thanksgiving week driving my mother back and forth to the hospital every day and I crashed at my parents house which is 2 hours from my home. I'm back home now.

My wife was making an attempt to control her drinking before I left to help my dad. I guess it was because of our last fight. Things were pretty cold between us for a while. While I was gone I made sure to call home each night. She was drunk most nights. I worried a bit for the kids but it appears that she only drank at home and didn't drive drunk. She has been really good about not driving after she has been drinking. I figured if there was a fire in the house or some other emergency then one of my daughters, 10 and 13, would be able to get everyone out of the house or call 911. That's how I rationalized the situation.

The alcohol is flowing again. We hardly talk. It's lonely and sad. Not sure the kids notice. Just thinking about tomorrow.
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Avatar_f_tn
so sorry about ur dad and wifes continued problem...u have a full plate!Sometimes we have to engage in hoaxster control here.....hopefully it does not re-appear!
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495284_tn?1333897642
I hope your dad is still on the road to recovery.

As for your wife, your kids know what is going on.  I always thought i was hiding it from mine and i was wrong.  You do understand that the fire rationalization isnt very healthy dont you?  I hope you will really check into some sort of aftercare for yourself and your kids.  You cant change your wifes behavior.  You can only change yours and how you react to the situation.  I hope your wife will see the light real soon.  Families can be just as sick as the addict.  Keep posting as we are here for you           sara
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Avatar_n_tn
I am an adult child of an alcoholic mother and also a recovered alcoholic. Your children need to be of the utmost concern right now! You need to understand that alcoholism is a disease of the mind ! If your wife can't drink like a normal drinker now today, she never will again ! I sure hope you don't leave her alone with your children when shes drinking this will definitely affect your childrens emotional and social wellbeing. Do your best to remove you and your children from this enviroment or it will be detrimental in the years to come. Take your children to alanon with you, so they can understand how not to live with the shame and guilt they with no doubt are feeling. If you can, try to take over your wifes responsibilities with the children, maybe get some help from friends or family. However, the sooner she hits her bottom the sooner she'll find recovery. ALL OF YOU STOP ENABLING HER!!!!! You  nor your children can get her sober she has to want it for herself ! And please remember that this is not who she is, I'm more than sure that behind her drinking there is a beautiful and intelligent woman . Don't  give up on her, when her consequences become severe enough she'll have no choice, but to admitt to herself that she is an alcoholic. Until that day I wish you and your family well and will pray for you. PS. You can sincerely ask GOD to allow her to be the woman and mother he intended her to be. Bye for now, T
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank u for your post here...I so agree.......we all hope and pray she wakes up but she may not....day job substance abuse counselor for 24 years...i been sober/clean 26 years...I see way 2 many who don't wake up...we all know its a personal choice to take responsibility for ones addiction...no one else can clean/sober u up but urself!
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Avatar_n_tn
Tell me ? How does one become an addiction counselor w/ 2yrs clean. I noticed you mention alot, how much time you have. In recovery where I come from, it's not about how much time you have. We only have today ! How is, or where is your spirituality ???????

                                                                                                                       t
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Avatar_f_tn
in Ohio it now takes a bachelors degree or masters degree in social sciences.I have the latter.More educational requiements are added for the bachelors level.Then one has to complete 280 hours of continuing education classes that are approved by the state licensing board of addiction counselors.Then u have to pass a written and oral exam.Then you have to have 4000 hours of paid employment xperience!The requirements for this vary from state to state.How and where is my spirituality?Very well grounded indeed.......for on a daily hourly basis i witness ppl destroying themselves in denial,children being affected, I listen to instances of rape,incest,child abuse, animal abuse.divorce,lost jobs damaged health..u name it i see it and hear it!One has to know how to set limits with others and take care of themselves for it is a job that can and will devour one if u let it.I can only help those that are willing to help themselves!Plant seeds hope folks will water them and let them grow!The joy of my week are those working on their recovery and a group i run of folks trying to change their lives...most of them heroin addicts who are trying hard!
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Avatar_f_tn
4got to add that once u get certified and have a license u have to attend contineuing education hours to keep the license.I have 2 licenses so i have to attend 40 hours every 2 years for the one...and 30 hours every two years for the other.
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1032715_tn?1315987834
I loved your reply to tbird601,why do some people have to be so condescending,tbird can't question your qualifications now not that it matters anyway this is a public forum we say what we believe.Congratulations on your masters by the way  Denise
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Avatar_m_tn
Without spirituality and living in the day it would be most difficult to stay sober for long, When giving advice you speak from experience, for one recovering time under your belt is experience. Many talk the talk but few walk the walk, anyone who choses to becomes an addiction counselor is walking the walk as far as I am concerned...Keep up the good work Ibizan...

Ray
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Avatar_f_tn
thank u both!it does help that i've been in the shoes of so many that pass thru this door..and in my recovery group i never 4 got what it was like in the beginning....never....still have vivid memories!keeps me sober/clean!taking care of oneself in recovery is so important as we 3 well know..for if we don't care for ourselves who will?we have to do the work...spiritually,emotionally,physically etc!
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495284_tn?1333897642
Any person who comes in contact with ibizan is lucky.  Life experiences speak volumes to these people who come thru the door.  The books teach us a ton but when it comes to addiction you have had to walk the walk also.  Kudos to you ibizan!!  

This forum is amazing and that is due to the great people we have on here......sara
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tbird, you should be careful how you talk to our ibi.

She is much loved around here.
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Avatar_f_tn
I look at your problem from a different perspective because I was you (only female) 12 years ago.  My husband didn’t embarrass me when we were in social situations together but we live in a small town and we had a local business and he was able to drink on the job. ….’nuf said….

Alcoholism runs rampant in his family and I knew from his drinking that he had a problem.  It took a lot on my part but I chose not to be confrontational about his escalating drinking.  We would have gentle but honest conversations about it and I would briefly check in with him every so often and ask him if he still had a handle on his drinking.  I knew he did not but HE had to come to that realization on his own.  During that process he viewed me as being on his team, which I was, and he kept the doors of communication wide open.

We are now divorced BUT the parting of the ways had more to do with his volcanic recovery than his drinking days.

Best of luck to you always!
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Avatar_f_tn

I guess you've figured out that yes, your wife is an alcoholic.  I do not have any great words of wisdom for you as I just got my husband to admit that he, too, is an alcoholic and am still reeling from the whole situation myself.  

I just wanted to offer that my husband started AA in July.  He did really well for about 40 days, then went to sporadic meetings, and then went to none and the whole process started all over again.  He makes incredibly terrible decisions while drinking (ie: driving, driving the kids, working, going to meetings and who knows what else I don't know about) but he is not physically abusive.  

It's a hard psychological roller coaster you are riding & even when the drinker seems to stop, there is no guarantee he/she will not pick it up again.  If there was ever a love/hate relationship defined, it must be hating the love of your life because he/she has become someone you don't know anymore.

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Avatar_f_tn
   I was raised in a home with an alcoholic father.....as a child I cried, begged, pleaded for him to stop drinking....but of course that was an impossibility for him.  My vision is my mother & I leaving him crying when she divorced him...fast forward...I am now married to a "problem drinker" and I'm mad as any human can be and feel great animosity  and no respect for this person....can't get over the feelings that this is just my dad all over again!!!
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi Awice - I stumbled on this forum today and find that I am right there with the originator of the thread.  A spouse that drinks daily and frequently far too much.  Follow the lead of many here and go to a support meeting and don't blame your dad or yourself.  Those who wish to drink will do so until they decide not to and seek help.  I am regularly blamed as the reason why my wife drinks but I do not pour not do I hold a gun to her head and make her do it.  I am sad and angry at how our life has come to constant bickering and fighting.  I have said a number of times "It's the booze or me, take your pick" - I am sad to say that she has chosen the former more frequently than me.  Alas, I remain in the relationship because I truly do love her, but I hate her habit.  Here's hoping for brighter days ahead.  All the best to everyone on the thread with their issues!
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Avatar_m_tn
Chris and Confused.  

I can identify with the issues you are both discussing.  It is not for me to say in finality whether someone has a problem with a alcohol, yet I do know when I am bothered when someone close to me is exhibiting behavior related to drinking alcohol.  This is the key thing to me.... how is it I feel, what am thinking about myself, etc when I am around someone who is drinking.  

I am remarried with the women I thought was the love of my life.  Now I realize I seeking something in my first marriage which I thought I would receive in my second marriage.  
Little did I know I was a people pleasing/attention sucking individual, with low self-esteem, mommy/women issues, needing to be in control, rageaholic, etc.  
So in a way I am happy I have an alcoholic in my life ... otherwise I am not sure how long it would have taken for me if ever to know these character defects about myself.  
living with active alcoholism for me requires grounding in knowing I did not cause the problem, I can't control the problem, I can't cure the problem, and I will not condone the problem of alcoholism in my loved one.  
I am trying to learn to live to take care of myself spiritually, physically, and enrich my life with relationships.  
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Avatar_m_tn
My wife is almost an identical copy. We've been together for 20 years. When I met her she was drinking bottles of cheap Martini a day. At any function with friends she would get absolutely drunk. She was extremely drunk on several occasions such that she couldn't walk. I just out up with it. The moment alcohol touches her lips, she carries on drinking until drunk and then until completely drunk. She doesn't think there is anything wrong in drinking two bottles of wine. She also thinks that she does nobody any harm - to her getting completely drunk should not bea problem for anybody. I've tried t otalk to her, but I am unable to communicate to her how drinking behaviour is affecting my life. Our whole free time is spent around drink. She will do the same routine every weekend. From Friday to Sunday she will be drunk. Then during the week she will be drunk a least two days. Sometimes she's drunk all week. However, she will not admit that her drinking patterns are problematic. I don't think I can handle it anymore. She's a great person, I love her very much, but I am sure that I am second best next to alcohol. I don't know how to deal with this issue.
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Avatar_m_tn
Wow . Its a carbon copy of my own wife . I certainly understand your situation . I dread any party , BBQ , Sunday dinner , holidays , etc, etc . . . . If I know there is an event coming up that we have to show up to , my mind instantly thinks of this upcoming day and how the night eventually pans out . If its 2 weeks till the party or whatnot , its on my mind until then . Its a living nightmare . And it all ends the same way . An arguement is inevitable . Bad ones . But it doesnt always need to be a social event . She binges out and will hit the bottle a few times a week . And again , an arguement . The verbal abuse is beyond normal . Just a nasty drunk . And legless drunk doesnt need to be the case . I'm taking 1 glass of whatever and shes a different person . I almost feel she is allergic to alcohol . . I have learned that there is not talking to anyone who has been drinking . Every word that came out of my mouth was taken completely wrong and is the catalyst for an explosive confrontation . Almost like a bully . I wish I had videotaped some of these drunken stupor nights of abuse because as I try to explain it the next day , half of it she has no recollection of . I sympathize with anyone who is in this type of situation .
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Avatar_f_tn
why do u stay?how long married?any children witness to all of this?has she ever gone for help w/her drinking?
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Avatar_m_tn
Who ? Me ?

Because I am with her for 31yrs . Since she is 15 . Been married 25 . I'm in it for the long haul . She does know she has a drinking problem but like many others she has it "under control" . Shes never seeked help . I think its more denial than anything else .
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Avatar_f_tn
have the last 31 years seemed to pass quickly in retrospect?then the next 31 will go even quicker!what kinds of things do u enjoy doing together?does she have a sober moment?indeed it is denial w/this illness!
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Avatar_m_tn
Quick ? . . . Beyond quick . LOL . Were into music and just about anything , really . Its just that I'd rather not do something where alcohol is readily available because then its all about the alcohol . Cant go out for dinner because she'll knock 3 down before dinner even comes . Then she dont eat because she'd rather drink . The cycle ***** . Shes a good person thats just not getting it completely .
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Avatar_n_tn
It has been a long time since I posted the original note in this thread. My kids are doing great. The make good decisions, get good grades, have good personalities, and are poised for a good launch into adulthood. I would like to thank this forum for serving as a reminder that they are most important. The oldest is a rising Senior in high school and the youngest is a rising Sophomore. I am still very aware that growing up in this environment will have some sort of effect on them both. I am hopeful that we are on a very good path and it continues.

Things are still the same with my wife. I avoid social settings with alcohol to protect myself from the embarrassment. I have even left the neighbors house without her. I figured she could walk 100 feet without me as an escort. I avoid discussing important topics after she opens the wine. We now spend our evenings on different floors in the house and then retire to the same bed at different times without saying goodnight. We have found a dysfunctional balance. As I type this, I am realizing how sad the facts sound when I present them bluntly.

A forum member asked how my wife was doing and I am grateful for the question. I realize thar she has a perspective on the situation. To be honest, she does not express her feelings, thoughts, or desires. I imagine that she is not as happy as she desires. My beautiful, smart, funny wife has simplified her life to revolve around the children, facilitating all their activities, playing candy crush on the computer, cooking dinner, and drinking wine. I am not sure she looks forward and thinks about her/our future. I am 46 and she is 50. I often think forward to the empty nest phase of our life and wonder if we share the same desires. I am having trouble finding the right words. I think,,, she could be happier... is missing out on quite a bit of life now... she might not be looking forward anything past 4-6 weeks at a time.

subdued and a bit sad... but not so confused or angry
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Avatar_f_tn
it seems as if sharing the same desires has trickled away with all the wine.....you could be happier....you are missing out on a lot of life now....everyday every hour  of every day all of us...including u make choices....she is making hers....glad to hear your children  are doing well!
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Avatar_m_tn
I am a new member on this board. I am exactly like your wife except there are a few differences. Yes, I do everything you said she does BUT I have become a recluse. I never want to be around people. I want to be at home by myself drinking. Our problems are about me never wanting to get out and do activities with other parents and stuff at different non-drinking gathering. I started drinking because I didn't think my husband cared about me anymore. We moved to a state where I was very unhappy, but the kids were happy, so my husband wouldn't consider a move. I think I started drinking 10 years ago to get back at him. It is the one thing that I could control in my life despite feeling like everyone else controlled me. I was thin and attractive before the move, but I  started packing on the weight- another thing that happened because of the alcohol. I got severely depressed.  I worked with a miserable group of people for 8 years. The more I worked with them, the more I drank. Every single person in my life was a real downer except my husband-for the most part is a good guy, and I love him, and I love my kids. I am totally not exaggerating and trying to make everyone else the bad guy, but you have no idea how many toxic people came into my life to build on the already toxic extended family and friends I had. My husband would absolutely defend me on that point. I began to realize over the last 5 years that yes, I was the problem, but also if I wanted to be happy, I have to quit allowing toxic people into my life, so I started eliminating those relationships one by one and limiting contact with ones who I couldn't break a bond with because I loved them. The first thing I did was quit my job. I knew that the drinking was wrong. I know my children had to know even though I was trying to hide the drinking. I hated myself. I love them so much, I felt like a total failure. They loved me despite all that and always tell me what a great mom I am- even though I have let them down sorely.

Your wife probably thinks oh well, it's just wine, no big deal, but the truth is that eventually it will kill her just like it is slowly killing the rest of us. She probably justifies it in her mind just like I did. She probably doesn't like being dependent on it. But then, you start the drinking, you feel so great and all you cares go out the window. I hated the fact that it took more and more alcohol each year to get that feeling- very different from the beginning of my drinking. I don't like being middle aged, I think it's really depressing for a lot of people, but I am getting used to it.

Here is how my husband handled it (I quit drinking last Friday):
My husband hated it. He nagged me all the time. He told me almost every day how I was killing myself and how concerned he was about me. When I would need more alcohol, he would go get it for me- not because he was encouraging me, but because he didn't want me to get a DUI. When we had to be around family or whatever on a trip out of town. He would help me hide it from other people. Not because he wanted me to drink but because he wanted to keep my dignity and didn't want other people to know for my sake. He never gave up every day. Nag nag nag. We started sleeping in separate beds about six years ago and I really started to hate him. But honestly, when he would buy me the alcohol, I would think how hard it was for him to do it, and how sweet he really is deep down. I got fat, he never left me. I became an alcoholic, and he stayed. Wow, he must really love me. He tried to help me every day.

Today I have the greatest respect for him even though we need to get our relationship to a better place. I know that this has been very difficult for him too. I am no longer angry at him. We have been married twenty years. Sure, he's never remembered an anniversary, and he never buys me a birthday or xmas present, but I have learned to let my anger go. He is still the ONE person that I can always depend on no matter what and that is not easy to find nowadays.

This WHY I quit. I could have spent the rest of my life drinking. I loved the way I felt when I was tipsy. However, like I said, it is after all killing those who do it day by day very slowly. I started developing some health problems, I started to have diarrhea. My body started having a strange odor. I had to be put on a new pill every year. My lab work started coming back with some things that eventually the Dr. would be able to put 2 and 2 together and figure out that I was an alcoholic. Medical people can kinda look at drinkers and tell anyway because a lot of them have a weird shape. I just feel gross. I could never ever tell anyone that I drink in public. I would be so embarrassed and ashamed. I personally could not go to an AA group because I am a recluse and I tend to find it disturbing to tell people about this. Doing it alone is best for me. I woke up and realized that all my anger, sadness, defiance in drinking was only hurting me, but actually my kids would suffer the biggest loss because I wouldn't be around with them much longer. In the end I would be some kind of invalid and my husband would be taking care of me, and I would die at a very early age. I kept telling myself that I had not been drinking that long, but then I realized that 10 years of damage has been done, but it is still OK if I stop now because my liver enzymes are ok. However, I can tell that it is getting harder and harder for my liver to handle the alcohol and toxins are starting to build up. The first 2 days is the worst, after that mentally it was a breeze, but my first post on the forum details some detox problems I had. It is even more proof that I stopped before it was too late. I love not being chained to a bottle. I love that I can get out in the evening if I have to and take my youngest child places. My oldest child was #1 in her class. Now starting college. It's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and focus more on those I love. My kids are such good kids. I am so lucky. I want to have many more years with them.

I know your wife loves you, she just can't get out of the ritual that goes along with it. She's probably mad at herself mainly. Trust me- she's not proud of it. Good luck to you.
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Thank You for posting!I've been sober/clean for 29 years.Did it the traditional way in 1983,25 day inpatient-was lucky to have insurance that allowed it,plus regular attendance at AA/NA.And YES_removing the toxic ppl from our lives!There are many roads to recovery.Sounds like u've designed yours that is working!This is a stat that hasn't changed much in years....9 out of 10 women remain w/an addicted/alcoholic partner-spouse,while 9 out of 10 men will LEAVE a woman in the same state!U r fortunate to have ur husband.Keep on the sober wagon and pls keep us posted here!Sobriety is a 360 degree lifestyle change plus keeping in mind all we have to be grateful for!
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Thank you for sharing your experience also. The main reason that I decided to do it alone is because of the severe shame. Also, I am a professional and have to answer questions about alcohol or drug treatment to renew my license. One day I heard two Dr.s  talking about a patient who  was scaring them because they didn't know when to time the Librium (they were residents) to keep him out of DTs. They said at one time you could order a beer from the pharmacy, but they don't allow it anymore, but I heard the Dr.s say that a little bit of alcohol was the best treatment to ward off the withdrawal. I was completely determined to quit, so I watched my BP- I have a BP monitor, drank just a little alcohol on the second day and just sort of rode it out after that- the worst symptom being GI. I probably should have had a drink on the third day but my stomach was hurting. After 2 days I definitely didn't feel like I wanted anymore because I had lost my satisfaction with having to drink more and more every day to achieve that high anyway, so what good would it do to take a drink when it would take a ton of alcohol to get me high. It was just becoming too much of an effort. Also, I had some lab work done with my GP and my uric acid was elevated from drinking red wine I guess, and my red blood cells were elevated probably because I had depleted all of my B vitamins. Every lab that I looked up that was abnormal referred to alcoholism. My ALT/AST was only slightly elevated so my dr. wants to do a abdominal sonogram. I do not want to have this test done because eventually he is going to find out. This, plus I started having diarrhea and a body odor just out of the blue one day. I thought I had picked up a stomach bug but after I saw the lab work I knew that I could not hide it anymore. My doctor actually called me today about the sonogram. I told him that I am feeling great and the diarrhea has subsided (which is actually true).  I am blowing him off for awhile to see if I can get myself back under control before I have it done.

Another thing that helped me is that I have been in denial about my BP. My dr. prescribed Benicar for my BP. I didn't want to take it, but I knew I had to. I have heard so many people complain about how their BP med makes them tired. I know it sounds weird but I got a high off this drug. It is in the ARB class of BP meds, so I did a little research and found that it is actually also used for people with stress disorders and migraines. Also in men it can improve sexual function. It is not filtered through the liver and it helps to protect the kidneys and eliminate sodium. AND it can reverse pulmonary and liver scarring and reduce inflammation and help the body fight infection.

I am VERY lucky to still have my husband. He got mad at me when I went to the ER the other night because my gut hurt so bad, I thought I was dying, plus my kidney's hurt, and my belly got really big with fluid. We have a $1,000 deductible. Luckily all of my labs were completely normal in the ER. Today I actually admitted to my husband that is was a withdrawal symptom, and the main reason that I figured it out is because I found this website and listened to similar stories, and I started to just get better and better each day off the alcohol.

I am finally starting to pee today so I am hoping that the fluid is coming off. I have heard a lot of people say drink a lot of water, but I have to disagree. My ankles looked like jumbo the elephant. With fluid volumes like I was experiencing I did some reading and found that they would actually be giving me diuretics if I was in the hospital and an antibiotic because the fluid in your abdomen can get infected. I read that most of your calories should come from carbs and protein should come from a vegetable source like beans and rice. A super B complex vitamin-(which is not broken down by the liver or stored in the liver). B vits get depleted in alcoholics and it causes some anemia issues like B12 deficiency which is needed to make red blood cells. My readings also recommended and limiting sodium.

I feel so sorry for confusedandangry. I think he is a real trooper like my husband. I am so happy to have found this website to have someone to talk to, and maybe I can help someone else in a similar situation. Thanks everyone here that has or is still struggling. I do believe that AA is not for everyone. This is a great alternative.
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I know that I am being a real wind bag, but I can't help but feel so bad for what you are going through and your situation is so similar to mine. I just wanted to add that I guarantee you that your wife is drinking a lot more than you think while you are at work. By the time you get home she is probably still totally functional, but I am guessing that she won't eat much dinner because it will mess up the buzz she worked so hard for. I love it when my husband would be gone. That's when I drank my best. My husband got to where he would watch me like a hawk. He kept checking the line on the bottle all evening and he would check the trash. I couldn't have one minute alone where he wasn't watching me. He didn't always say anything, but I didn't fool him after awhile.

In your wife's defense, I think middle age is very hard for some women (I can only speak for women here). At one time when my kids were little I was so busy and my mind was so occupied with them, I didn't have time to think about problems. Now, at 52, I am like what is there to look forward to but old age. I don't feel I have a purpose anymore. Anyway, I am going back to school and it has given me something to look forward to.

I ran across a great volunteer organization the other day called CASA. I think it is nationwide. You can become a court ordered advocate for a child that has been abused and you become the point of contact when they need something. They don't live with you, but you meet with the family and try to help the family figure out what is best for the child. Most important you try to do what the child wants if you can. When I read about it, I thought wow. That sounds like something that I would like. I can't do it because I am in school now, but maybe something that gives your wife something to look forward to where she feels that she is making a difference might really help her.

I have noticed lately that my oldest daughter is starting to drink a lot of wine. She is married. You don't think they are watching you but they are.

Also, I have told my husband so many times that I hate him and want to leave. He just ignores me. I would have been heart broken if he said great, let's get a divorce. I never meant any of it. It was the alcohol. Please just try to hang in there and prayers work wonders. I have been praying forever to get the desire to want to quit, but I had to learn hard lessons first.
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Thank you so much for the update!
I hate to say it, but I am your wife.  My kids are younger and I'm in my thirties.  I did print out your first post describing your wife.  It sounded a lot like me, as if my husband had written it.  I try to read it before we go out to places to remind me that I need to behave myself.  I will update more later, I just don't have the time now, we are taking the kids to a movie.  I would have LOVED to have a couple drinks before the movie, but know my husband would be super PISSED if he came home and we had a family outing and I smelled like alcohol.  So, I didn't have a drink today.  It's a struggle though, especially when you crave it.
I know I need to quit.....
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12 Step is not for everyone,but i wouldn't be posting here had it not been for the wonderful examples of long time recovery I met there.I was 28,single, and not one sober/clean friend in the world besides my DD!What is a MUST tho is to have a sober/clean support system....be it friends,if church helps u and u like what u find there,a positive social group.....whatever helps u to keep your mind active w/positive activities and enjoyment!
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This thread along with both of your stories have touched me. Thanks for taking the time to share your experiences. I am not in the best position to give advice  but I do want to encourage you to continue making positive changes.

I know that every foot, every inch, every fraction of an inch that my wife moves in the right direction encourages me. I behave better, I am encouraged, and our relationship benefits from both our actions. I know it must be hard for her to address her drinking. I can't do too much to directly help her with the drinking, however, I can pick up more of the work regarding the relationship issues. I'd like to think that means something to her and that there is some sort of a tangible reward I can contribute to the process.

Perhaps, your partners are rooting for you the same way I am rooting for my wife. Look past any negative emotion, the stress of hospital/doctor/life events. Be encouraged by their support.

I am rooting for you too.
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Very interesting thread.

Its 2:46am CST right now. I work a full time job, farm, and help my father with his company. I feel your pain confused angry.  My wife and I have been married almost 3 years.  I love her a ton and we have a great time together 97% of the time.

I get called the 'fun sponge' when we go out because I'm always having to check in with her to see how much she's had to drink.  She went out with a friend tonight and was set to stay with her friend and I was to pick her up tomorrow (Sunday).  I was fast asleep after knowing she did not have her car (thankfully) so I knew she couldn't drive home was a peace of mind.

My phone rang at 1:15 am and it was her calling to let me know she is taking a cab home.  She then passed out in the back of the taxi.  I called and she answered but was in and out of her 'passed out' stage.  Then, come to find out, she was passed out in the back of the taxi and was not even able to answer her phone.

I became worried at this point and was prepared to call the Taxi cab companies to try and track her down, hoping this would work.  Thankfully the taxi driver answered the phone, got our address, and brought her home.

Throwing up in the driveway and not able to walk in the house, she's passed out on the hardwood floor of our brand new home under a few towels I laid down.  She's face down and passed out on her stomach.

I'm not able to have a good time at social events because I'm always babysitting her and watching how many drinks she's had. She becomes a very 'sloppy' drunk when she drinks.  Slurring words, stumbling, and often times falls asleep on the way home and is not fun to be around.  I find her very unattractive in these times.

We'll talk about this tomorrow I'm sure as this is not the first time this has happened. I truly don't understand.  So much affection, joy, and true happiness is lost.

I'm 29 years old and my wife can't stop drinking once she starts if I'm not around to monitor her and be called the 'fun sponge.'

I feel your pain.  Thanks for posting.

I googled, "how to tell your wife she has a drinking problem."
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Sigh!to you and the other husbands who've posted here.....something needs to be tried!how long do u let this go on?i've been sober/clean 29 years and day job is substance abuse counselor in a rural state funded outpatient agency.I see WAY too many ppl who let this go on for years minus attempting getting coached by a substance abuse counselor on how to do a family intervention.Hiring someone costs BIG bucks!I've done some that haven't worked......the alcoholic/addict refused treatment....and some that've worked....the person went to treatment and is working on their recovery..isn't it worth a try?
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Hi,
  I have been dealing with my own alcohol issues for years now.  I'm sorry that you have to deal with this issue with your wife.  I know from experience the loss of love and disappointment a spouse can have.  The look of disgust in my husbands eyes when I have drank too much.   Does she know that her drinking is an issue?  Does she admit that she has a problem?
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Yep, it is worth a try. I have to see if I have the courage.

My wife suffers from OCD too. I/we went down the path of getting her help with that many years ago. It was difficult and we fought until I hit my breaking point. I found the doctors, took her in to her sessions, sat next to her at visits. I asked the doctor if her case of ocd was slight or severe and he placed her above the midpoint. The doctor was great and gave her tapes for listening.  She has been on paxil since 2000. I am convinced, somehow the drinking and OCD are related. Perhaps she has been on alcohol since her teenage years and we added paxil in 2000.

I am sure that there is always more to each story than we can put in a post. I am facing the decision to divorce after the kids are out of high school (3 more years), or find the courage to address the issue head on and get her help. Right now, tonight, after the events of this day..... I am thinking about running away screaming.
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You can do your best to try and guide her to help.Help is like a football w/the alcoholic-either they pick it up and run with it or they drop the ball and choose to make unwise choices!There is no middle ground!I had to make those hard choices 29 years ago!I understand your concerns with your children-how do they feel @ their mom?
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I was a raging alcoholic in my day, and I have to say, I wish that someone close to me, that loved me, and with the right intentions, had of taken video of me when i was out of control. I know it would have made a difference to me as to when I finally got help. Along with all of the other incredible stories and adivice, this is my best advice....take video's and lovingly share with the addict what you know that they don't.........NH
God bless you all.
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I took a knuckle to the eye after while going to bed last night.Jokingly, I asked my wife if it my eye was swollen this morning. She doesn't remember hitting me. Is angry when I ask her if she is serious about no remembering and won't answer the simple question "What is the last thing you remember?". Is it possible to go through an evening routine and not remember anything?
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YES!its called a blackout!google alcoholic blackout for more clarification!
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I googled "spouse with alcohol problem," and found this thread.  My boyfriend and I are not technically spouses, but we've dated for three years and lived together about four months now.  I was always a big drinker in high school and college, and I still drink socially.  My boyfriend always overdoes it though.  We are always the last ones to leave a party, and he is always slurring, stumbling drunk when we go.  He sometimes throws up on the way home, and I am always the one who drives.  He also drinks when he gets home from work and anytime we eat at restaurants.  I knew he was a heavy drinker, but I guess I didn't realize the problem was so bad until we moved in together.  We have also started discussing getting married in the past year, so maybe I have just started to consider our relationship becoming a family.  I have realized that I do not want to raise a family with someone who drinks this way.  I'm embarrassed and feel less and less attracted to him each time this happens.  I'm currently in nursing school, and will have to move back in with my parents if we break up.  I go back and forth because he is a good person and makes me laugh, but I also feel so much resentment and anger that he just can 't grow up and give up the alcohol.  I know that addiction is real, but it is so hard to grasp for me.  Thanks for your post!  I wish we knew how to make all of our significant others see what alcohol is doing to their relationships.
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I am in the same predicament. I have totally given up all alcohol as this was an excuse for my wife to drink. I tried to go out with our friends to socialize as this was my wife's excuse to go out drinking. But just found myself getting angry with her and our so called friends. When you are not intoxicated you notice so many horrible things that wouldn't be acceptable in a non drunk environment. For example I would notice  guys, some of them our own friends blatantly flirting with her. Even when i'm around as they think that they are smarter than you when drunk. I could not take this so stopped going out which has alienated me from my these people. Which I have realized were not friends in the first place. My wife says I am being extreme and anti social. My giving up has slowed her down but still she goes out to socialize then ends up stumbling into the house in the early hours. I end up worrying as it is not safe out there especially when she is a single drunk female on her own. I also know that alcohol makes you more likely to cheat as your defences are down.. and I hope that this is not the case with us. One night while I was away on business I heard that she had gone out and end up driving with a guy in his car late. She only admitted this and shrugged it off as him giving her a lift home after I confronted her. I keep feeling like I am so stupid, letting her get away with it. But she just plays it down.. which makes me feel like im crazy. When she is out I lie in bed all night waiting and get angry because i cant sleep. sometimes I just feel like getting revenge and start drinking again! then I catch myself and say i need to be stronger.. but I feel like i need a solution soon or I am going to snap and ask for a divorce. Which I think will break my wife too because she doesn't have any family or real friends to fall back on. I  am her only hope. I have also been through bad breakups and love her dearly so do not want to lose her. She is a very stubborn and strong charactered woman so will not listen to anyone's advice and when i confront her about these issues. She truly believes that there is nothing wrong with the situation, but my own head issues. This is truly what u call being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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Indeed you are!do you have a support group for yourself?have you thought of finding  a good counselor to help u sort this out?any children involved?
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I have the same experience Johnny. I cannot seem to get away from it in my life. My mom was a life long alcoholic who drank heavily from the time I figured it out (at about 12 years old) until her death when I was 36. During many of those years our family also struggled with the full blown alcoholism of my younger brother who still to this day struggles with it. I am now 52 years old and was single up until I turned 42 having stayed away from any prospect of a relationship for all of those years largely due to the affects and after affects of my mothers drinking. When I met my wife the signs were right there in front of me but I chose to largely ignore them and after 10 years together (eight of those married) I am entrenched in what is very obviously another alcoholic relationship. Tried everything so far from the loving caring talks in the beginning to what has evolved into confrontations where she essentially expresses to me that the alcohol is here to stay. Two weeks back she had another of her numerous fall down drunken stupor episodes in front of her ex in laws. Did I mention that when her previous 17 year marriage wrapped up she went through a court ordered alcohol evaluation? She wriggled herself off the hook while convincing herself and everyone else (except I am sure those who were closest) that she could control it. Alcohol abuse is rampant in her family. Her father, younger brother, herself and I believe here second younger brother to some degree all suffer from it. Another family gathering.? Oh boy here we go again you should see the alcohol flow. Her mom just sits back and enjoys while half in the bag herself and says the next day that they all drink like that because they love to see each other!  Welcome to my screwed up world. Writing this reply has been very therapeutic as has been reading all of the posts. Time to make a move.
Deepindespair
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Life is too short to live this way dear........I've been sober and clean now for 30 years!I didn't ask to have the disease of addiction but i am responsible for not allowing it to destroy my life!so is your wife!You have some decisions to make for YOUR sanity!She is making her own choices!
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I too am angry.  My wife puts alcohol above her family.  She's smart, good looking and good socially.  She comes from a family of alcoholics.  The thing is, she's highly functioning.  She's good at hiding her inebriation.  I believe she drinks about more than a bottle of wine a day.  Tonight I found evidence that she's downing vodka, too...and she always hides her drinking from me (filled glasses under beds, over the washer etc).  She does have occasional emotional outbursts...she'll go nuclear over silly issues...and then apologizes for her irrationality the next day.  It gets old.  It's been an issue for 15 years...she even drank with postpartum depression...told her therapist that she would quit drinking but didn't.  I lovingly asked her to seriously reflect on her drinking 2 years ago...she said she likes drinking and wouldn't stop...that it was my problem because I rarely drink.  I went to Al Anon and realized that I can't "fix" her.  I love so many things about her but I don't know how long I can be supportive of someone who is on a self-destructive path.  I haven't been to Al Anon meetings in a few years but I'm going back.  I need help.  Someone posted a suggestion of leaving an Al Anon pamphlet out for her to find...I may just do that.  I've expressed my concern many times over the years.  I think she needs to know this situation is not good for our family.
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Your wife needs the AA pamphlet A Merry go Round called Denial not an Al-Anon pamphlet!You are on the right path to return to Al-Anon and make some decisions in your best interest.Sad that your wife CHOOSES to like the self destructiveness of her drinking.That you are powerless over!
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I found this forum after googling that my wife slurs after one glass of wine.  These stories are very similar to mine.  We are 45/46 years old, married for 23 years but together for 27.  My wife had alcoholic parents (functioning professionals however) and often would tell me of the horror stories when she was young.  I witnessed more than my fair share with my inlaws after we were married.  My wife was very in tune with the damage an alcoholic household creates even though she always loved her parents deeply.  We are very different in that she is gentle and kind and I am Type A, opinionated and judgmental.  Up until 4 years ago we had a great life.  4 great kids, a nice home, my wife has never needed to work, has not balanced a checkbook in 10 years and could not tell you what any of our expenses are. (despite my trying to get her to understand and partner in this regard).  16 years ago she was treated for anxiety after developing an issue with retracing her driving routes thinking she had hit someone.  Eventually this led to Zoloft.  5 years ago I lost my job and was seriously shaken at the difficulty in landing another good job.  We were in good shape financially but my angst and frustration were exposed daily to my children.  I was able to land another well paying job.  At this point though it seems a switch was flipped.  The episodes of my wife getting drunk publicly and embarrassing both of us increased.  My wife was always demure and well mannered but not a prude.  She started spending more time with a group of women in town who get loaded regularly and are obtuse and crass.   She began (or I discovered) hiding wine around the house and finding places to drink in the house.  She got loaded on Christmas Eve 2 years ago (around noon) which I discovered after trying to find her.  She was in our master bathroom talking to her sister about how I was the worst person ever and that she was going to divorce me the day after Christmas.  I listened outside the door for the entire time.  I was shocked and felt like throwing up....and I confronted her.  She has done this at least one more time with her brother (although I suspect more often given the booze ignites it).  There used to be teary apologies the next day.  We have tried a Psych Dr. who specializes in alcohol issues as a couple and alone.  She went to a couple AA meetings.  She declares that she is not an alcoholic and this is me just trying to control her.  Our relationship is tense and it is so sad that I have lost this person.  We had a row last night after doing something social for the first time in forever and my wife had one glass of wine and was slurring....then more...I told her it was time to go and she was wobbling all over the place.  When we got to the car, I asked what happened in there as she seemed to go over the edge pretty fast.  She refused to talk and we ended up arguing when we got home.  No apologies today as somehow it is my fault.  I am not perfect by any stretch and have several emotional flaws.  I have gone to a Psych doctor to help.  But I fear this is a lost cause and do not know what to do.  My kids are paying the price as the arguing is not a good environment for them.  I am at wits end with my wife and do not want to ruin my family only to have her realize one day what this was all about and regret everything.    
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WOW I thought I'd had it bad. My wife also refuses to address her drinking. When she get a good start and begins drinking at noon I know its going to be a rough ride. She now has come up with "she's fallen out of love with me" as her latest excuse for her actions. The problem is I love her, and she means what she told me over the weekend, well that's a game changer. I guess you have the same choice to make.
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I just found this thread and have a similar issue but a little different.  My wife does not act out drunk at events or gatherings but drinks heavily when she is alone.  I can't tell you the number of times I have come home from work and she is passed out drunk b/c she only works part-time.  She was fired from one job b/c she kept calling out sick to drink, she has been pulled over twice for DUI and was convicted once, she is verbally abusive when she drinks and she always has an excuse for everything.  I call her the Queen of Excuses.  I have found empty wine bottles tucked away in every closet/cabinet of the house.  She has gone to counseling (I joined during family days), AA meetings, had a sponsor, took antidepressants (which she has stopped taking) and has even stayed with my parents who wanted to help her with a place to stay when we decided to live separately and she could not afford a place of her own.  She has broken 2 contracts we wrote regarding drinking after our counseling. She does admit she has a problem with this disease but does not seem to be making a real effort to stop.

We have only been married for a little over 2 years and have been together 5 years.  I am thinking divorce is the best option at this point.  I have made her parents aware of her problem but they don't know what to do and will obviously choose her over me in any disagreement the way they are.  I have no idea what to do outside of divorce.  The only other thing I can think of is for her to be on medication for alcohol where the person becomes sick if they drink a sip.  I don't know what to do...
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Antabuse is old...cheap.... and w/a bad track record......and if she wants to drink and not get sick she doesn't take it!A pill is not hers...or your answer.....she needs to become willing to kick her disease in its ***.....and it doesn't sound like she's willing to do this!You need to put your sanity first.......and make some decisions that are in your best interest!
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IBIZAN HAS SAID IT ALL!!!!! AMEN!!!

CML
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.I too was googling info on problem drinking etc...and ran across this page.  The post could have been written by my husband it's almost identical  to our situation. I am the one with the drinking problem and I know he is angry and sad . He has told me so. I am ashamed.
  I am trying to get it under control but some days it is hard and I falter and drink. I know my husband hates it and I'm scared I will not be able to completely stop and I will lose him .
I used to drink maybe 5 beers on the weekend but for the last few years it's become more and more often. I am a stay at home mother of two boys 14 and 12 and I don't want them to have  a dysfunctional alcoholl abuser as a mother. I drank beer again last night..and I feel ashamed and scared. I know I won't need to detox because I will go a week or so without drinking but I can't seem to go longer than that..I will drink aprox 6-7 beers and I know it affects me on the very first one yet I continue to drink because in all honesty it's not the taste I love..it's the altered state that it gives me..a fake high...an escape...:(
anyway I guess I don't really have a point...I just wanted to say Thank you. It was nice to see I'm not alone...I think I will join your forum...I think it will help me..help myself
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Yes, bword, Please stay for a while. We have been where you are, and hopefully can help each other.

Welcome and share your thoughts,
CML
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Thank you I appreciate it. It will be easy for me to stay away from drinking for the next few days or so because of the shame I feel for drinking too much last night..Plus The truth is my husband doesn't think I am an alcoholic per say...he thinks I have an alcohol problem...I really don't know if there is a difference..I don't have any physical withdrawal symptoms and I don't drink everyday..but when I do...it is very rare for me to just stop at one. I will drink to get drunk..which usually only takes 2 beers but I will not stop at two...I average about six lately...I don't really get loud and sloppy..and I almost never get a hangover...but I know that it is effecting me more than it used to...I don't want to be like this...yet I still drink...so  right there...is proof that I have a problem...I think my husband doesn't know that I can't just...stop....or only have a couple now and then...maybe I could but I just don't really want to enough? I don't know...
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Come to think of it....I don't think I have ever gone more than a week or so without drinking! (except when I was pregnant I didn't drink at all.) probably since I started college that was  over 20 years ago!. It has just recently gotten to the point where I want to drink more often.. I'm sorry if I got a little long winded...I  probably shouldn't  be posting this in this thread too!  I will start a new thread next time.
Thanks for the support. I think I am going to like it here:)

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No you should be posting all of this here!If you drink to get drunk,and the amount you drink and your resulting behavior is OUT OF CONTROL it does indeed point to alcoholism!
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Hi B,

I am heading a new post up just for you! More people will be able to address you and your concerns, since this is under an really old post, K?

CML
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Thank you :)
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When you repeat a mistake, it's no longer a mistake; it's a decision.

I've made the decision for 17 years to stay with and deal with a spouse with a drinking problem; a spouse whom I believe has always been faithful, but a spouse who becomes belligerent and out of control when drinking. I've begged and pleaded for her to stop, or at least try to moderate this problem. I ask her to stop for the sake of our children. I ask her to stop for the sake of our marriage and my sanity. I ask her to stop for her health. This action makes me a control freak in her eyes.

For 17 years, she's promised to stop. To change. To make better decisions. For 17 years, she's lied. For 17 years, I've baby sat. I've cleaned up her vomit. I've cleaned up her mess. I've dealt with the embarrassment of friends laughing at "the drunk girl".  

I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I love my children dearly. I've made the decision to stay for 17 years because I don't want to lose all I've worked so hard to gain and achieve.

The heartache and agony of watching someone you love destroy herself has hardened me to a point where I feel nothing for her. Sure, I do care for her and love her, but I don't LOVE HER. I haven't for a very long time. At this point, I don't think that love can be regained.

Since I've repeated this mistake over an over and over, I have no one to blame but myself for allowing it to perpetuate. I've made this decision.

Now, I must make the decision to change.

The original post is nearly a photocopy of my life.  I find myself embarrassed and angry with my wife for her repeated lies, promises and failures.  

I'm now trying to find the courage to move on from this marriage.  I can't imagine all the pieces that I'll need to pick up.  It seems impossible....but I must try,.  I can't stand the thought of hurting her like this.  Although, we've both said it.  We have openly admitted neither of us are happy.  I want her to be happy, but I don't think she ever will be....not until she admits she has a problem and does something about it.  

I fear most for my daughter (11 years old), who sees my wife's problem and comes to me when mommy has had too much to drink.  An 11 year old shouldn't have to deal with this, nor should she have to deal with the arguments.  

Best of luck to you all and God Bless.
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May God be with you as you make very difficult but necessary decisions to move forward with developing a sane life...and for a better life for your children as well.Please keep us posted!
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