Aa
My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?
I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly. My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking. If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention. If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine. Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper. I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?
Regards, confusedangry
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly. My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking. If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention. If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine. Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper. I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?
Regards, confusedangry
COMMUNITY LEADER
Robin Williams had the cards stacked against him.....bi-polar,anxiety,chemically dependent then Parkinsons. THEN on top of ALL that a dx of Lewy Body Dementia:(i understand why he took his life.My mom was tortured by it for 15 years.It destroyed her.He knew what the end of it would be and i'm glad he didn't end up like my mom who finally passed in 2014.My dayjob is substance abuse counselor for the past 30 years.I watch ppl who've been thru numerous rehabs w/loads of family support drink/drug.I watch the same w/the opiate/heroin addicts who lose SO much in life and continue to chase heroin.My dear friend of 30 years has a son and his GF who've been shooting heroin for 3 years.She has custody of her 5 year old grandson and the girl is 4 months pregnant,Both in good treatment programs and continue to shoot heroin!What can an adult do?Live their lives as best they can and their children...or loved ones will have to deal w/the consequences of their poor choices!Either ppl have to WANT recovery...or they don't...it is a black and white issue.It was for me!And those SERIOUS @ theirs have made it so for them!
You are right. I just wish I could have at least gotten her into rehab one time through a forced intervention. It would have been very difficult because she was stubborn and kept telling me she felt *fine* as she turned yellow. I probably would have ended up being a full time babysitter and you just can't live like that. She lost her marriage, home and job at the same time. Maybe the stress was too much. I found a note to her ex husband where she said she was too old to start all over again like he was doing. Look at Jim Carey's girlfriend - recent suicide. Amy Winehouse - vodka suicide. Robin Williams - alcohol, depression, belt around neck suicide. Sometimes the demons win and that's just the way it is.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thank You for posting!You went thru H! and back with this woman!Many here try to intervene,try to get help for their loved ones.BUT when many have been thru rehab,many a time PLUS and still choose to drink and or drug,there isn't much that can be done unless you become an adult babysitter 24/7.I've been sober and clean 31 years now.My brother lovingly intervened on me years back and I must've been ready for my 25 day inpatient stint took hold as well as 12 step attendance and finding the right ppl in recovery.
My girlfriend was 43 and passed away earlier this year from the disease - liver completely destroyed. She was with me for 3 years. Was bright, had an MBA and making 200K when with her husband. Husband divorced, lost her job and then her house in the divorce.
Came with me and I saw the drinking but had no idea how bad it would get. She was drinking straight vodka at 7 AM. Would take naps every day - 3-4 hours - at 4 PM and then get up and drink some more. Ran her fancy car into the concrete pole at the gas station. Came home one time and parked in the neighbor's driveway at noon. Went through 5 Parkway tolls without paying one time and slept somewhere in her car when she couldn't find her way back here. If I touched the vodka she would hold a steak knife to my eye and threatened to stab me. Went out in her car one day and told me 'something happened." What happened was she was getting gas and picked up a sharp-looking guy in the car behind her and went behind a building in his SUV and had sex. Also had around 150K worth of clothes in storage bins and in my house - most with the tags still on and was still buying more stuff just like it. It was a total nightmare and I could do nothing about it. I asked her, "Is this what you want to do all day, sit here and get drunk?" She said "Yes, now go die someplace." It wasn't like this in the beginning. I tried everything to stop this when the disease showed itself but I failed. After seeing this beautiful woman destroy herself I want to say this: Yes, you people are right, they have to want to stop. But, guess what? Some of them can't and you just can't sit there and watch the destruction. I found out about the Marchman Act and the Baker Act after she died. These people need to be taken in against their will and it's the only chance. Yes, I know the relapse rate is off the charts but so what? The success rate for voluntary and involuntary rehab is close to the same according to what I could dig up. At least they have some kind of chance. Let them get drunk every day and you'll be visiting the cemetery. Yes, involuntary commitment to a facility is extremely difficult but after what I lived through and witnessed i see no other choice. The person is mentally ill with "wet brain" from the poison and has no idea what planet they're on. How can they be "ready to stop" when they are out of their minds in many cases? Think about it. If you look out your front window and you see somebody banging his head against a telephone pole do you just sit there until he drops dead or do you call a mental health official because it's blatantly obvious the person is sick in the head?
Came with me and I saw the drinking but had no idea how bad it would get. She was drinking straight vodka at 7 AM. Would take naps every day - 3-4 hours - at 4 PM and then get up and drink some more. Ran her fancy car into the concrete pole at the gas station. Came home one time and parked in the neighbor's driveway at noon. Went through 5 Parkway tolls without paying one time and slept somewhere in her car when she couldn't find her way back here. If I touched the vodka she would hold a steak knife to my eye and threatened to stab me. Went out in her car one day and told me 'something happened." What happened was she was getting gas and picked up a sharp-looking guy in the car behind her and went behind a building in his SUV and had sex. Also had around 150K worth of clothes in storage bins and in my house - most with the tags still on and was still buying more stuff just like it. It was a total nightmare and I could do nothing about it. I asked her, "Is this what you want to do all day, sit here and get drunk?" She said "Yes, now go die someplace." It wasn't like this in the beginning. I tried everything to stop this when the disease showed itself but I failed. After seeing this beautiful woman destroy herself I want to say this: Yes, you people are right, they have to want to stop. But, guess what? Some of them can't and you just can't sit there and watch the destruction. I found out about the Marchman Act and the Baker Act after she died. These people need to be taken in against their will and it's the only chance. Yes, I know the relapse rate is off the charts but so what? The success rate for voluntary and involuntary rehab is close to the same according to what I could dig up. At least they have some kind of chance. Let them get drunk every day and you'll be visiting the cemetery. Yes, involuntary commitment to a facility is extremely difficult but after what I lived through and witnessed i see no other choice. The person is mentally ill with "wet brain" from the poison and has no idea what planet they're on. How can they be "ready to stop" when they are out of their minds in many cases? Think about it. If you look out your front window and you see somebody banging his head against a telephone pole do you just sit there until he drops dead or do you call a mental health official because it's blatantly obvious the person is sick in the head?
I wish there would be an easy solution to this problem :-((( seems drinking is easier than not drinking for many
Reading these posts has given me a little relief knowing that im not the only one in this situation. Im 37 and im quite certain my wife has a drinking problem. She will use any excuse possible to leave the house and drink. Today was mothers day and we have 2 kids 6 and 11. I was in a bad mood already because when i got home from a very stressful day at work and had to drive through tornados to get home. I come in to find the house in a total mess and the wife and her friend are drunk and letting the 6 year old draw all over himself with a sharpie permanent marker. The 11 year old becomes very defient when his mom is drunk. So she passes out everywhere. We go to see live music and she passes out sitting in a chair in the middle of everyone. I use to help her get up and go home, but i don't anymore. I just leave her be. Anyways, i dumped out a bunch of her wine on friday night when she passed out, so when she came to she called our neighbor to bring her some vodka. She hid this in our bedroom night stand. So on mothers day i could tell she was totally bummed out because what she really wanted to do was go have drinks on some patio somewhere and me and the kids just wanted her to go do something fun with her. So what ended up happening was she went "shopping" by herself for a few hours. When she got home she was well on her way to being drunk. For the rest of the day she kept going back to our room and drinking the hidden bottle of vodka. Im really getting very tired of this routine.
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