NO booze for 20 days

Hi I am new to this site, but not very new to giving up the drink. I have been a on and off drinker for 15years now, and lost more than my sanity amongst many other important things like children and family.  I have done lots of rehabs and detox's and no the 12 steps back to front.  I have spent in total 4 years sober out of 15, but for some reason always slowy convince myself that just 1 drink would be o.k, even after losing the lot.  I recently had a major binge which has now cost me a week in a mental health hospital, and almost my daughter, who is only 2.  I no that sometimes my life is spinning out of control and the drink always seems the easiest option as it so easy to get, I have now made sure i go to my local services and get the help I need, i no there is no miracle cure for a alcoholic, as i no its one day at a time, but although today i am o.k, i relly get this fear that i will have another episode and go to buy drink,,,i know that alcohol is a illness, but i do suffer with anxiety, Gad, and BPD, could this be the reasoning for me not caring when i buy alcohol, or is it just me being selfish............

[rod44]

When I first stopped drinking I spent allot of time analysing my drinking, I also got panic attacks and anxiety and this would stop me from going to AA. During rehab I met a small group of people from an AA group based near the treatment centre. After I finished rehab I had phone numbers that I could ring if I had cravings, they came to meetings with me and helped me get back on my feet.  The most important lesson I learned during this time was that it I could do this but not on my own, I need to have a support network. Once I found a home AA group I was OK, people got to know me and I got to know people. I felt at home there. I was told "stay away from the first drink" this was and is the most powerful advice I got.

So stay away from that first drink, get phone numbers.

Ray  

[Marta51]

My situation would have been exactly like yours, if I hadn't been diagnosed with chronic low-grade but life-long depression and then been treated for it with Lexapro. About 7 years ago,  I was in rehab for the first time, but relapsed about two weeks after getting out.  I've always been (or seemed to be) a bubbly, out-going person, to the extent that no matter how many depression diagnostic tests I took, I never reached a score that showed I was depressed.  Unknowingly, I couldn't seem to answer the tests honestly, because I was responding based on how I acted every day, and how I felt other people perceived me, rather than how I felt inside.  When I went back to rehab for the second time in 3 months, I finally broke down --  and dug down deep within myself -- and asked to retake the test so that I could try answer truthfully.  I was diagnosed with depression and began taking medication and have had no desire to drink since then.  It was totally amazing.  I still when to AA for more than 365 straight days, and I still know that I stay sober one day at a time, but from the moment I got out of rehab the second time, I could EASILY have alcohol in my house and not have the slightest desire not to drink. In fact, 7 years later, I still have a strong desire never to drink again, and it's a desire (believe it or not) that's far stronger than any desire to drink that I ever faced.  And I faced a HUGE mental addiction for about 5 years, an addiction that was far worse than any physical addiction I ever dealt worth.  And my physical addiction was very bad!  I thought saying I had been "self-medicating" for the past 5 years was a cop-out and therefore an unacceptable excuse.  Turns out, I HAD been self-medicating -- and I still am, only now with Lexapro.  It's one of those things, in my opinion, that it couldn't hurt for you to TRY.  It might not work for you at all, but it might be magic, as it has been for me.  I now tell people that their alcohol and their sushi is totally safe with me -- I'm not touching either one, because both are totally unappetizing to me - and I no more "fear" being around alcohol or those who are drinking it, than I would fear being around sushi.  Yuck! I just want nothing to do with it, but for those who want it, don't abstain just because I'm in the  group!  (P.S.  I started taking Lexapro while in rehab, giving it time to work without being mixed with alcohol.  I had tried anti-depressants in the past, but never could stay away from alcohol long enough to give the antidepressant time to work. Also, Lexapro worked for me without side effects, when the other antidepressant drugs didn't seem to.)

Never give up and remember that God WILL take the desire to drink away from you, so long as you take some of the basic steps yourself.  He's not going to FIGHT YOU over your problem, or cure you in spite of yourself, but He will work with you and never leave you, until your desire to drink is gone forever -- one day at a time!

[baylin]

Hi thanks for that advice, but i was at AA for over a year and although the power from AA was comforting, i found that I was unable to share my exsperiences with everyone, not that I was ashamed, but i felt shy, and sometimes the meetings were so strong i used to feel very much like a drink afterwards.  I had a great sponser, but she was very religious and felt very pushed into a christian way of thinking, and although i believe in god i didn't want it in my ear all the time.  This is only my own exsperience, and cannot talk for others, I believe AA is a wonderful service, and has helped many people, but I think its like everything else, what might suit one person may not suit another, but I am so glad that you are doing so well, I must admit one thing tho, I do say the serinity prayer every night before bed, and have picked up some impotant tools to use in my time of need, thank you.

[baylin]

Hi marta51, thanks for that, it is very reaurring with what you said, I always found the rehab bit easy, no drink no fear of getting out of control, it was the coming out bit that got me.  I would never last more than a few weeks without convincing everyone that i was cured and ready to drink sensibly, WRONG,, before i knew it i was in for my next detox. Then I started getting the lows and highs of  being sober, no hangover, but no drink,,I have been in and out of mental health wards for over 7 years now, and its doing my head in as I no that I am mentally sick as well as alcohol dependant, I just wish that I could get a correct diagonses of my illness as they have said i am BPD, Depressed and have anxiety, but I know there is more than that, Maybe when i feel happy with my diagnoses that everything might fall into place and the urge for alcohol may dissapear,,,or get easier.

[rod44]

I have had Counselling, CPT and drug therapy for depression, it was the support of friends that got me to a place where I am happy and medication free. Having some one who you can pick up the phone and know that there is someone there to talk with, I use AA friends because they know just what I am feeling but there are many other groups out there, it is a case of finding the one that suites you.
I stopped worrying about putting labels on the depressive illnesses, I tried every kind of therapy until I found a combination that helped. I made it my goal each day to stay away from that first drink, if I had that drink the ones that follow would not matter, the first one is the one that dose the damage.....

Ray :)        

[ibizan]

the religious aspect of AA has really twisted many a folk the wrong way.I viewed the power of other alcoholics as helping one another the supreme power!If you have SOS meetings near u-Secular Organization for Sobriety or RR near u-Rational Recovery meetings u should check these out!Their focus is that we have the power within us to make wise choices regarding alcohol/drugs and it is our sole repsonsibility to not let this mind/spirit/body disease destroy us!

[Jacker]

Alcoholism is progressive, and even stop for a long period of time, you will typically return to your old ways very soon if you start up again.  I've experimented too many times and always ended up on the same spot again.  The big trick is realizing how serious it is, and not minimizing the effect that it has had on your life.  Make a firm decision that there can be no more drinking in your life. The decision is not the "cure all", but it will keep you from trying to fool yourself into thinking you can drink again.

As for anxiety, alcohol will ultimately add to it....studies have shown this, and other alcoholics have confirmed this to me as well.  As for selfishness, I think all alcoholics are selfish when they are in the midst of drinking, but at the time they cannot see it or help themselves.  Getting drunk by yourself is essentially a selfish act (voice of experience on this one).  Do whatever you can to stay sober. You don't have to buy everything that a recovery program is selling (AA, SOS, etc) but you will find something useful there.  I just like to talk to fellow alcoholics now and then.......if I'm around too many normal drinkers, I begin to convince myself that I can also drink normally, even though that hasn't been true in years.