Narla

Has anyone heard from our girl at all?  I am worried about her.  

AND where is Rod?

Maybe a road trip is in order!!

[narla]

I'm here,just relaxing

[ibizan]

ah toots ya worry 2 much!i was thinking bout narla the other day while i was tending to the cats and thought she's busy doing whatever...i did send Rod a message and asked him how/where he b.......he was in the process of moving......sometimes he doesn't read his emails for days!i feel sure we will hear from him soon!

[narla]

Sara,you have too much insight.
I am hungover this morning,clean time gone I've drunk 3 times in the last week.
Oh well,what can I say.

[narla]

I suppose I should elaborate,
It started with 3 drinks last Saturday,then this Friday I had 5 drinks,Last night, I lost count of how many.
I think the cycle of self destruction has started

[ibizan]

well i did wonder.....i tend to think the worst but curb myself......but when too much time goes by and u haven't posted it has usually been cuz u used......SO it didn't start w/a drink...it started w/ a negative thought,which birthed a negative emotion then the drink came......what was going on?????worrying over something u have no control over?

[narla]

For some reason I just wanted that high,I don't know why,but at the time it felt good,
Now,I don't feel so good.
I just hope I can get back on track again,I want to,well I think I want to.
Looks like it's back to one day at a time.

[rpooo]

Awe Narla. It sure is hard sometimes huh. Probably the hardest time I ever had was the day my 20 yr old daughter went to jail. I was so close, mad and upset! I looked at my wife and told her I just can’t deal with this, I’m gonna drink today! She talked to me and I decided okay I’m just gonna deal with it. I'm not gonna drink.
I am so glad she was here for me to talk to about it. That was just my old way of dealing with things. Stay drunk and not give a ****! As we all know whatever the reason is that makes us drink doesn't just go away on its own. It's still real when you sober up and all your left with is that terrible feeling way down inside. Your self-esteem and self-confidence are affected because you feel like you have let yourself and others down. The real truth is we are all here for you and understand completely how hard it can be. We know you are a good person and that everyday sometimes can feel like a struggle. We also realize that something must've happened that you really cared about for you to let yourself give in.
Narla if you don’t know it already then I want to make sure you know that I am always here for you anytime you need me. When MedHelp sends a message to me it goes straight to my phone 24 hrs a day. So if you need someone that understands and can offer some advice I am more than glad to do my best for you.
We all share something in common here Narla and its something more than drinking, it's that we care about you!
Randy

[narla]

Sometimes I think the people here care about me more than I care about myself.
The hard part now is I don't know if I want to never drink again,but I do know that is the only answer for my problem.Can I be that strong?I don't know anymore.

[rpooo]

The reason you have so many people here that care about you is because YOU did that. It's easy to see the good in you. Would you agree that the quality of life is much better through sober eyes? Do you recall a conversation that you told me about the dangerous enzyme levels you once had? You were lucky enough once to have your liver recover so quickly but do you really want to gamble with that and end up like me? What are you going to tell your doctor this time when she looks you in the eyes worried sick about you? what about your grandchildren and your own children. Be strong and do it for them! they need you! They love you!

Narla I normally would never take an old post of mine and repost it. I always believe every situation is different and deserves my full attention. I am making an exception this time only since this post was never posted to help any one particular person. DO you remember this? I sure hope it will help change your thinking!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think all alcoholics are very selfish people. They may not realize they are and might even try and deny it, but is it not selfish when they throw a fit to buy their alcohol. Take away from other members in the family to afford it? To be so selfish they don't care about living or dying?

I am guilty of all these things and i have the feeling most others are too.

This is hard to admit but the day i was diagnosed my wife was very upset. Crying even. She asked me what am I going to do? I knew what she wanted me to say, so I said it "I guess I am going to have to stop drinking"

I remember feeling pissed off at her because at the time I felt it was all about me so I thought well I'm the one dying and going to have to stop drinking. What does she have to cry about, I'm not. If I choose to quit drinking or not its my choice so maybe she could comfort me instead of the other way around.

That way of thinking lasted about two minutes and I realized how selfish I was being. In her mind she must had been thinking about only being 33 years old and maybe soon to be a widow, losing her husband and being alone for the rest of her life. She was hurting really badly and needed me to be strong for her and tell her everything was going to be alright. From that moment on it has and with every bit of strength i have it always will be!!!

This is the reason I do not drink. It is also the reason NOTHING can tempt me to drink. What will it take for you to stop? Be better than me..

Randy

[dominosarah]

Narla, there is a reason why we all love you.  You have shown us what a wonderful beautiful caring person you are.  Noone else did that, just you.  I had a gut feeling something was going on.  I would come to the forum everyday and look to see if you had posted.

Now here it goes my friend..I am going to give you some advice Dominosarah style......I have watched the decline with you for a long time.  I think it started when you got sciatica.  That eventually backfired on you.  Remember how the drug bone is attached to the drink bone??  You started questioning yourself after your relapse with codeine.  Have you been taking that too?  You also started to stay away from the forum, your answers were short and then you would be gone.  You knew we would catch on and tell you the things you needed to hear.  Alcohol will be the death of you Denise.  Your liver cant handle it anymore.  How is your home life right now?  I know your BIL is sick and that has weighed heavy on you but that is NO excuse to use.  There isnt one damn excuse in the world to use and you know that.  Look at what losing sight of yourself has already created.  You are doubting your self worth and your strength.  I already lost someone on this forum who i cared very deeply for...I will move heaven and earth to make damn sure i dont lose you too.  There is no happy ending to drinking.  Now get your head out of your a$$ and start fighting for the girl we know and love.               sara

[narla]

I'm not taking any codeine,vomitting while I was asleep cured me of that.
I've told myself it will be ok if I only drink on weekends
I' know realistically that it isn't true,but my wise brain LOL is taking over at times.
I've told myself if I have my liver checked every 6 months then it will be ok.
At the moment I don't know where I'm going with this,
Not drinking at all just seems too hard.

[ibizan]

U made the statement about not wanting to think that u could NEVER drink again!get NEVER our of ur vocabulary!that word is TOO BIG 4 ANY OF US!it is always one hour atta time in 24 time blocks...that is all any of us r allotted on this earth!Stephen Hawking blew ppl away a few weeks ago when he came out and said heaven is a place for ppl afraid of the dark...that there is no heaven...and that all we have is this life here...now....and that we should live a life of value and make the best of it...and 2 enjoy what we can with reason and morality.....i think he nailed it right there!U have mentioned that u have a very supportive husband......do u know how rare that is for a recovering woman to have a husband who supports her????so rare indeed!Sarah and i know we'll never have that right sarah?:0)but we have our dogs/cats and 4 that we r indeed grateful for and happy with!C'mon girl......put ur caboose back on the railroad trax of life and start chugging!

[narla]

Back to one day at a time,I just wiped out 646 days of sobriety.

Why when asked how I'm going can't I lie and say everythings fine,the 3 of you are in the US,it should be easy to pretend,I haven't met any of you but for some reason I have to be honest,for some reason I can't lie,I suppose it's a good quality to have.

No alcohol in 21 hours and I'm going to bed soon,it's 11.00pm here so sleep sounds good

[ibizan]

when we lie we lie 2 ourselves...one begets another and they get thicker and thicker.....and become quite the jungle.Sometimes for 5 minutes...i wish i could smoke the BIGGEST FATTEST joint and let the world and some choice ppl in it evaporate......but that is juvenile old addict fantasy thinking......i can't stay high 24/7...tried it a zillion times past and it didn't last long.....cuz when i come down...life is still life and all i have to contend w/doesn't evaporate.....so i busy meself and get going on another better mind track!i do have a blessed life....much more fortunate than so many others....and i WILL work 2 keep that!sweet restful dreams girl!stick w/us here....we cherish u!:0)

[dominosarah]

So much doubt in your words my friend.  You say i "suppose" not lying is a good quality to have.  You suppose?  It is a huge quality to have.  You are so deep in your head right now and you are your own worst enemy.  Have you been going to your therapist?  Something is driving these feelings and you need to get them out.  Dont worry about the sober days gone now, stay in the day and make those count.  You gotta get rid of this stinking thinking.  I am glad to hear you are still staying away from the codeine.  Now what is it going to take to keep you away from the alcohol?  The answers are right in front of you so reach out and grab hold.  We are here to help you but you have to want to help yourself first.  

[rpooo]

I gave you a small list of reasons yesterday to want to help yourself. I know there are many more! When I first started getting to know the people in this group, immediately the people that stood out to me were Ibizan, sarah and you narla! You three I knew were trouble makers he he but very good role models who set a wonderful example for this group! Together that trio has helped so many people through your guidance and your and your strength. Nothing has changed, you fall off you brush yourself off and do it again! Never stop quiting right! Thats 646 days you were working to save your own life. This 6 month check on your liver is nonsense! If you go in 6 months and they tell you that now you have cirrhosis there is not changing that my friend. It can happen that fast! Don't gamble with you life Narla, trust me you will not like the outcome! Sleep on it! good night.


randy

[dominosarah]

Please read the last few sentences of rpoo's post Narla......Your liver was already showing signs when you quit before.  

Poohbear......you have become a vital part of this forum and we are very grateful to have you here~~

[ibizan]

yes sarah we r lucky to have the big rpoohbear here..even if he can be an opionated stubborn male.......we still like him!got some good stuff to say ocassionally as well!:0)

[narla]

Hi guys,I've woken up feeling great and ready to start over,everything you have all said makes sense,I just need to get my brain to accept the reality.

I don't think you're opinionated poohbear,oops maybe I can lie LOL

Sara,I will go back to my therapist.I see him at the gym regularly so I can chat to him whenever I need to.

[rpooo]

Well in my OPINION I am very happy to have our girl Narla back! Your a wonderful person and if you can survive the outback and the bush you can do anything lol!

[narla]

LOL,We really love all your opinions poohbear.

[rpooo]

Thank you ladies I think.. ha ha Narla my offer still stands If your ever need someone to talk to or to remind you why you try so hard. You are more than welcome to send me a PM.

[narla]

`Thank you,I'll remember that.

[dominosarah]

So your not to mad at me then?  You know we give it to you straight up as that is what will drive you and you know me, i hate coddling!!  We are all here for you my friend so lean on us~~sara

[narla]

Why would I be mad at you?
Sometimes I feel like you are my saviours.
A bit of coddling might be nice though LOL

[ibizan]

i'm not known as a coddler!no one coddled me in my recovery....we don't get better that way!so narla it sounds like u discontinued ur therapy....a counselors free time at the gym is that....his free time...and therapy work should be kept in the office not chatted about lightly at the gym!

[narla]

I did stop seeing him because I was doing so well,when I say I can talk to him at the gym it is a police citizens youth club,he has his own office and also works with troubled youth,we have appointments it's not just chatting at the gym.and none of our work is done lightly.
He's the counsellor that helped me deal with the child sexual abuse as well.

[ibizan]

When my clients are doing well i tell them i think its wise to meet monthly to ensure their progress continues.If things go well then we begin to meet bi-monthly to ensure continuity!When i was growing up i had a father who was one of those I'll give u something to cry about!:)When i decided to go to inpatient in 1983 i was working for a mental health center and a certified alcohol/drug abuse/licensed social worker was my supervisor.There were no EAP programs back then.My supervisor did not want me to go to inpatient saying the agency would lose too much revenue from my 28 day abscence.I knew i could not do this on an outpatient basis.I told him i would use my vacation time so w/the assistance of another counselor who helped me get in2 inpatient so off i went!Was the best thing i could've ever done 4 myself.19 months later i was handed a abolishment of job position letter!i had always had good evaluations and asked why me?no good answer...but i was told if i pressed it legally my inpatient stay would be used against me to prove me incompetent to do my job!i was further told that if i went quietly i would be given 3 good reference letters.After consulting w/a lawyer who advised more cons vs.pros of pushing this i left and after 5 mos.of unemployment landed the job i have today!One cool psychologist i worked w/told me my supervisor chose me over another guy w/6 mos.xperience over me cuz he had a wife at home w/a new baby!one month after i went.....he left and got a better paying job.And there i was after 5 mos. w/no job!My fellow workers looked down their noses at me and made snide comments...I will never 4 get it!So today 27 years of recovery and 26 years of working at a outpatient alcohol/drug clinic i asked my boss-what would happen if i relapsed?he looked at me and said don't think about it!U'd be fired and lose ur insurance of course!So all the help the clients get would not apply to me for us counselors r 2 b made of crypton doncha know?:0)!!!So that is why relapse is never an option for me.....so much to lose and don't think i'd enjoy it at all...not worth it...solves nothing...i've 2 much 2 lose!including all i've worked for and my self-respect which i've gradually built back over the years......the only coddling i do is an egg on sundays in my moms old aluminum poached egg pan!

[dominosarah]

I take alot of heat at times about my bluntness!  I have found nothing glamorous about addiction.  I have found many beautiful things about recovery.  Now when i look in the mirror i like what looks back at me, wrinkles and all!!  I still have moments when my addiction nudges me.  Was on my way to Walmart the other day and passed the liquor store and thought to myself, hmmmmm........my next thought was WTF are you thinking, turned the music up louder and continued on my way.  Drinking would be the death of me, literally.  I have worked so hard to find me.  I hold my sobriety very sacred and i do whatever it takes to stay this way.  I live life on life's terms now, i dont just exist.

[ibizan]

i take heat 2 about my bluntness and thats ok...guess if i make folks think thats what matters!there is a customer of mine i've been looking at on/off for 5 years!and now she has brought a child in2 the crazy mix.On welfare,housing paid for,food stamps and free medical.Her mother gives her all the painpills and xanax she could ever long for.....what incentive is there 2 change anything?she told my boss she wanted another counselor for she don't like my approach!boss told her the request lacks substance and she doesn't want to buckle down so she was referred elsewhere!And then there r those who need help from the system and can't get it!in our pet food pantry there r ppl who complain about the brand of free food they get!only in america!bet the victims of human trafficking and women/girls who were raped in rape camps in the Congo don't complain about what they don't have done 4 them!i truly have a blessed life and am grateful for all i have!

[dominosarah]

I love these lyrics from the Eagles.......

Well i know it wasnt you who held me down
Heaven knows it wasnt you who set me free
So often times it happens that we live our life in chains
And we never even know we have the key~~~

[ibizan]

Howz about Stupid Girl lyrics from Garbage?GREAT song!can substitute Boy in there 2!ok rpoohbear and punkinhead no whining or complaining about that...i do keep it unisex!

[rpooo]

Rumor has it that I sometimes have a difference in opinion also! I try and i try to be a nice guy but these shackles and boat oars are killing me!

PS. I recently may had voiced my opinion again under a topic called "closet alcoholic" he he!

[ibizan]

Ah rubbish!those oars and non-stop scooping will make ur biceps bulge....ur wife told me she'd dig that!:)

[rpooo]

Oh but they already are! ha ha

[ibizan]

good 4 the gluteals as well!from bumper to bumper....we recovery girls will get u in2 shape....well we already have!

[rpooo]

How about you make pumpkin head stop playing with that drum and get his *** down here! ha ha