Aa
Need Experienced Family Members Help Here!
I am asking for family members experienced with handling a loved ones alcoholism/addiction here!Could you please post and describe how u sought help for urself,stopped the enabling,set limits with insane behaviors and regained ur self esteem?CrazyGerman needs all of your experience!Thank You!
Best Answer
COMMUNITY LEADER
You're very welcome......we all know she's on a better path!And YES,such an emotional rollercoaster!
Korsakov's Syndrome... thanks for that information. The doctor explained the ARD in pretty good detail, on a level we could all understand. Basically he said that dementia is a progressive disease. In other words, there is no getting back what is lost and that we might find moments of clarity on a subject and times of confusion. But, the alcohol compounds the issue. Limiting or restricting the alcohol, and making her feel like she is part of the decision process (since she is still mostly lucid) would allow her to feel like she is calling the shots.
And like I said, she dropped drinking altogether after her last little spill. To my knowledge, she is still sober and I guess its been a couple of weeks. She's been through withdrawals and is holding strong.
(The doctor also mentioned that we could coach her to make a favorable choice, and by allowing her to "make" those choices we may see a more favorable outcome.)
It is all interesting, frustrating and maddening all at the same time.
Thanks for your kind words and information.
And like I said, she dropped drinking altogether after her last little spill. To my knowledge, she is still sober and I guess its been a couple of weeks. She's been through withdrawals and is holding strong.
(The doctor also mentioned that we could coach her to make a favorable choice, and by allowing her to "make" those choices we may see a more favorable outcome.)
It is all interesting, frustrating and maddening all at the same time.
Thanks for your kind words and information.
COMMUNITY LEADER
i think the old word for that was called Korsakov's Syndrome!that is the result of late stage drinking!but if she stays sober u will see some improvement and that is better than none!
Yeah, the liver is an incredible organ.
We did get a different diagnosis that I forgot to run by everyone. I never knew a thing about it but its called "alcohol related dementia". Basically in a nut shell, and it is completely logical.... the alcohol is no good for the dementia.
We did get a different diagnosis that I forgot to run by everyone. I never knew a thing about it but its called "alcohol related dementia". Basically in a nut shell, and it is completely logical.... the alcohol is no good for the dementia.
COMMUNITY LEADER
It's amazing in some situations the beating the liver takes from alcohol and shows no damage!A most tough durable organ!I agree with the doctor!Such good news-thanks for the update!
The doctor I was speaking to said that her comfort is most important at this time. It appears as if there is no significant liver damage, so that's a good thing. But being comfortable, and doing this kind of on her terms is important as well. And like the doctor said, "if it works, it works."
COMMUNITY LEADER
Whatever will work to keep her away from the alcohol.....detox units are used to seeing alcoholics w/some horrendous damage to liver,pancreas,stomach....u name it...they've seen it!
I don't even know if that is viable. Other health concerns would probably hinder that, but we are looking for someone with experience in the field to come visit my mother and set up some kind of plan with my sister and I. There is a group locally there that comes to peoples homes. My mother isn't confined to her house or bed, but she is certainly more comfortable there.
Last notice, she is weathering the storm and doing okay. She knows there is a problem and she is trying to deal with it. We are trying to put her in a position where she feels she has some control. For now, it is working.
Last notice, she is weathering the storm and doing okay. She knows there is a problem and she is trying to deal with it. We are trying to put her in a position where she feels she has some control. For now, it is working.
COMMUNITY LEADER
SOME doctors are so uneducated @ alcoholism and addiction,they receive so little training in med school on the topic,yet see SO MANY!Unfortunately they believe what their patients tell them @ their alcohol and prescription drug use(abuse!) use. People can die from alcohol withdrawal!She having DT's now?would she consider going to a detox for starters?
Thanks for the kind words. I am more than happy to contribute and or help here.
Addiction is terrible.
I've read so much on the subject and having watched an entire generation within my family be functioning alcoholics, I feel as if I am almost an authority on the subject. I've lost family members to alcohol addiction and am currently dealing with my aged mothers alcoholism.
She is part of the "cocktail hour generation" that used 5 o'clock as an excuse to have a few drinks. It was insidious. It slowly spun out of control from there and I look back, almost in shame... because I realize that I was an enabler. I was the person who was offering excuses for why mom drank, if even for my own needs for an excuse.
My mother has never addressed an ongoing depression disorder by simply assuming that she doesn't have one. All of the trademark signs are there, and a drink or two made her feel better. Soon, the drink or two began to be 3 or 4... then 5, 6. She also has arthritis and will not do anything about it. Instead, she drinks to "relax and take away the pain". She wakes up the following day with the same aches and pains and the cycle repeats.
It was then after I took an honest look at the situation that I knew my mother was indeed an alcoholic. I was enabling her. When I'd visit, she'd ask me to go buy her a bottle. She'd ask my sister to go buy her a bottle. When we decided we would not contribute, she got her house cleaner to go buy her a bottle, her hair dresser to drop off a bottle, her dog groomer to drop off a bottle.... Sometimes all of these people would be bringing her a bottle "because they felt sorry for her". "She is in pain, she can't drive herself, she is lonely...." You name it and we've heard the excuse.
We've fired some of the people that used to do things for my mother. House cleaner is gone... dog groomer, gone. She has a new hair dresser whom she can only see if she is going to take a shower, get dressed and go to the beauty shop. And still, somehow... she gets her whiskey.
Mom went through the DT's not long ago. She was confined to bed after taking a fall. She went 8 days in bed, limited food, lots of water and no scotch. We arrived on her 8th day of sobriety and I swore up and down that this would be the last time I saw her. My wife could not believe the look on my face... I was shocked at how bad off my mother really was.
2 days after our arrival there, we took my mother to a doctors appointment. My wife went in to the appointment with my mother to make sure my mom was telling the truth. Upon visual inspection, and besides the COPD and being overweight the doctor more or less gave her a clean bill of health. Then we began talking about the alcohol use. The doctors exact words were, "I would never advocate for drinking. We know that there are far more dangers than there are any perceived benefits to drinking, but at her age you need to think of "quality of life issues". Is stopping drinking going to make her run a marathon or climb the steepest mountain? No, of course not. She can barely move because of the arthritis and the COPD. If your mother wanted to have a drink or two a night, I don't have a problem with that. Let it be known that we do consider anyone who has 2 drinks a night, every night as a problem drinker. But, if it helps her relax and it makes her feel better... a drink or two would be okay."
By the end of the evening, mom was ready for bed. She asked if I would make her 1 drink, so I did.... The next morning was the first day in 10 days that she was up and at em early. Only I beat her out of bed. She was ready to meet the day head on. My sister called and I told her that I gave mom 1 drink and that she was up and moving.... we were amazed. My wife woke up shortly after mom woke up, thinking that she would have to help mom up, get a shower, etc.... and was also very surprised that mom was up. "A different person" we all though.
That night mom had 2 drinks and stopped herself. We left the following day. My mother, since I was gone took the doctors words and twisted them to her advantage. Told my sister that the doctor said she could drink and was then back on the sauce full steam.
Today, mom has another 12 days sober. She's been though the DT's again. She still sleeps most of the day to keep her away from the alcohol. Shes asked my sister to throw everything out and she has.
Now I know the real battle is in front of us. My life experiences and all of the things I've read the last few months to a year have made me far more knowledgeable than I ever thought I would be on the subject. The one thing I know is, mom is one drink away from using again....
Addiction is terrible.
I've read so much on the subject and having watched an entire generation within my family be functioning alcoholics, I feel as if I am almost an authority on the subject. I've lost family members to alcohol addiction and am currently dealing with my aged mothers alcoholism.
She is part of the "cocktail hour generation" that used 5 o'clock as an excuse to have a few drinks. It was insidious. It slowly spun out of control from there and I look back, almost in shame... because I realize that I was an enabler. I was the person who was offering excuses for why mom drank, if even for my own needs for an excuse.
My mother has never addressed an ongoing depression disorder by simply assuming that she doesn't have one. All of the trademark signs are there, and a drink or two made her feel better. Soon, the drink or two began to be 3 or 4... then 5, 6. She also has arthritis and will not do anything about it. Instead, she drinks to "relax and take away the pain". She wakes up the following day with the same aches and pains and the cycle repeats.
It was then after I took an honest look at the situation that I knew my mother was indeed an alcoholic. I was enabling her. When I'd visit, she'd ask me to go buy her a bottle. She'd ask my sister to go buy her a bottle. When we decided we would not contribute, she got her house cleaner to go buy her a bottle, her hair dresser to drop off a bottle, her dog groomer to drop off a bottle.... Sometimes all of these people would be bringing her a bottle "because they felt sorry for her". "She is in pain, she can't drive herself, she is lonely...." You name it and we've heard the excuse.
We've fired some of the people that used to do things for my mother. House cleaner is gone... dog groomer, gone. She has a new hair dresser whom she can only see if she is going to take a shower, get dressed and go to the beauty shop. And still, somehow... she gets her whiskey.
Mom went through the DT's not long ago. She was confined to bed after taking a fall. She went 8 days in bed, limited food, lots of water and no scotch. We arrived on her 8th day of sobriety and I swore up and down that this would be the last time I saw her. My wife could not believe the look on my face... I was shocked at how bad off my mother really was.
2 days after our arrival there, we took my mother to a doctors appointment. My wife went in to the appointment with my mother to make sure my mom was telling the truth. Upon visual inspection, and besides the COPD and being overweight the doctor more or less gave her a clean bill of health. Then we began talking about the alcohol use. The doctors exact words were, "I would never advocate for drinking. We know that there are far more dangers than there are any perceived benefits to drinking, but at her age you need to think of "quality of life issues". Is stopping drinking going to make her run a marathon or climb the steepest mountain? No, of course not. She can barely move because of the arthritis and the COPD. If your mother wanted to have a drink or two a night, I don't have a problem with that. Let it be known that we do consider anyone who has 2 drinks a night, every night as a problem drinker. But, if it helps her relax and it makes her feel better... a drink or two would be okay."
By the end of the evening, mom was ready for bed. She asked if I would make her 1 drink, so I did.... The next morning was the first day in 10 days that she was up and at em early. Only I beat her out of bed. She was ready to meet the day head on. My sister called and I told her that I gave mom 1 drink and that she was up and moving.... we were amazed. My wife woke up shortly after mom woke up, thinking that she would have to help mom up, get a shower, etc.... and was also very surprised that mom was up. "A different person" we all though.
That night mom had 2 drinks and stopped herself. We left the following day. My mother, since I was gone took the doctors words and twisted them to her advantage. Told my sister that the doctor said she could drink and was then back on the sauce full steam.
Today, mom has another 12 days sober. She's been though the DT's again. She still sleeps most of the day to keep her away from the alcohol. Shes asked my sister to throw everything out and she has.
Now I know the real battle is in front of us. My life experiences and all of the things I've read the last few months to a year have made me far more knowledgeable than I ever thought I would be on the subject. The one thing I know is, mom is one drink away from using again....
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thank You both for you courage and wisdom here.....and Nighthawk thanks for the compliment.......so glad you're a regular contributor here!i KNOW you help so many that come here seeking unbiased suggestions!
Hi there, glad you have found some additional support here at Medhelp :)
The first thing i would suggest, if you haven't already done so, is to go to an open meeting of AA, and buy the Big Book and 12 Steps and !2 Traditions to read yourself few times. Discuss it with others that know the language. It will allow you to talk the talk, and it will prove that you too can walk the walk , in an addicts life. It is my opinion that it means a great deal to an addict to be dealt with by a loved one who speaks from the experience of knowing what the 12 step program of AA is all about. When my son had to have blood taken, I would have my blood drawn first. It gave him the confidence that all was well........It will give you a good idea of exactly what it is you are wanting from your loved one to walk towards.
This passage is from Chapter V of the Big Book. It's important to put it out there that some addicts get well while some do not, and the reason why some do not is because they are not able to be honest. Put this on the table, highlight it and put the ball in your loved ones court. Let them see how this simple program works, by communicating back and forth, between all sorts of people at different stages of wellness. Become part of that structure, and leave it out in plain view. They may feel far less alone and may be far more likely to take the steps towards recovery knowing that you are familiar and endorse the 12 step program of recovery, that is AA; CA; NA or what have you. With this program, you can easily find the words written already that you already feel to be true. Lett AA support you to call a spade a spade, in a pragmatic way.
“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
hose who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
~~~~~~
My experience with a loved one who was actively using, was with my husband, then of 2 years. We had gotten clean off of alcohol, oxys, hard and soft drugs and were doing well for the 2 years, but we had my mother move in with us, and with her came a large amount of oxy's. that my husband started to pilffer whenever he could. He snapped, and I had to get tough and read the situaiton for what it was, and what it took to deal with it quickly and efficiently. I went to my husband's family doctor, and told them that I was in fear for his safety, and others, and that from his actions I believed him to be paranoid schizophrenic. His doctor agreed and I had my husband committed for about 3 weeks while he was being treated by a psychologist (talk therapy) and got used to a anti psychotic drug (seroquel). This looked after some of the squeaky wheel, but not all. Though my husband had gone to treatment centres in the past, it was obvious that he needed relapse prevention in his life. I chose a 90 day residential rehab for him and he agreed to go. He's been clean ever since. Had I not been precise and calculating in my target to get him back to me, had i been selfish and not let him go, we may not be together today, enjoying our retirement together. It was a tough few months, but he needed the "me" time to get better. If you're sick you go to a doctor, if you're an addict, you get rehabilatated.
Best of all the good things in life to come your way, to you and those you love. NH
The first thing i would suggest, if you haven't already done so, is to go to an open meeting of AA, and buy the Big Book and 12 Steps and !2 Traditions to read yourself few times. Discuss it with others that know the language. It will allow you to talk the talk, and it will prove that you too can walk the walk , in an addicts life. It is my opinion that it means a great deal to an addict to be dealt with by a loved one who speaks from the experience of knowing what the 12 step program of AA is all about. When my son had to have blood taken, I would have my blood drawn first. It gave him the confidence that all was well........It will give you a good idea of exactly what it is you are wanting from your loved one to walk towards.
This passage is from Chapter V of the Big Book. It's important to put it out there that some addicts get well while some do not, and the reason why some do not is because they are not able to be honest. Put this on the table, highlight it and put the ball in your loved ones court. Let them see how this simple program works, by communicating back and forth, between all sorts of people at different stages of wellness. Become part of that structure, and leave it out in plain view. They may feel far less alone and may be far more likely to take the steps towards recovery knowing that you are familiar and endorse the 12 step program of recovery, that is AA; CA; NA or what have you. With this program, you can easily find the words written already that you already feel to be true. Lett AA support you to call a spade a spade, in a pragmatic way.
“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
hose who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
~~~~~~
My experience with a loved one who was actively using, was with my husband, then of 2 years. We had gotten clean off of alcohol, oxys, hard and soft drugs and were doing well for the 2 years, but we had my mother move in with us, and with her came a large amount of oxy's. that my husband started to pilffer whenever he could. He snapped, and I had to get tough and read the situaiton for what it was, and what it took to deal with it quickly and efficiently. I went to my husband's family doctor, and told them that I was in fear for his safety, and others, and that from his actions I believed him to be paranoid schizophrenic. His doctor agreed and I had my husband committed for about 3 weeks while he was being treated by a psychologist (talk therapy) and got used to a anti psychotic drug (seroquel). This looked after some of the squeaky wheel, but not all. Though my husband had gone to treatment centres in the past, it was obvious that he needed relapse prevention in his life. I chose a 90 day residential rehab for him and he agreed to go. He's been clean ever since. Had I not been precise and calculating in my target to get him back to me, had i been selfish and not let him go, we may not be together today, enjoying our retirement together. It was a tough few months, but he needed the "me" time to get better. If you're sick you go to a doctor, if you're an addict, you get rehabilatated.
Best of all the good things in life to come your way, to you and those you love. NH
"we need to step back, let them feel the consequences of their actions, detach from them emotionally, stop fighting, begging and pleading with them. they need to be sick and tired of being sick and tired of their lifestyle.
their addiction causes pain, sorrow, heartache, anger, hurt, loss of trust, to those they are the closest to, it is a family disease. the whole family gets just as sick as they are."
This is the hardest reality of all. Knowing there are no words to fix the problem. Understanding to how much hell we have created for those in our lives as well, wishing that just that experience alone would be enough to cause another to stop. But it is not.
their addiction causes pain, sorrow, heartache, anger, hurt, loss of trust, to those they are the closest to, it is a family disease. the whole family gets just as sick as they are."
This is the hardest reality of all. Knowing there are no words to fix the problem. Understanding to how much hell we have created for those in our lives as well, wishing that just that experience alone would be enough to cause another to stop. But it is not.
it is heartbreaking to experience what addiction can do to our loved ones.
we want to help them and try to save them. our help and support most times becomes enabling. we "fix" things for them, make excuses for them, hide their addiction from family and friends.
our fighting, crying, begging, threats to them in regards to their addiction falls on deaf ears.
we need to step back, let them feel the consequences of their actions, detach from them emotionally, stop fighting, begging and pleading with them. they need to be sick and tired of being sick and tired of their lifestyle.
their addiction causes pain, sorrow, heartache, anger, hurt, loss of trust, to those they are the closest to, it is a family disease. the whole family gets just as sick as they are.
they try to shift the focus off of them and put the blame on others. they make us think we are the reason they are addicts. they don't take any responsibility.
our life should not be revolve around their addiction. we need to find our happiness and our peace independent of their active addiction. I know all of this is soooooo much easier to say than it is to practice.
this is why you need a recovery group. alanon is an excellent support group. here is the website.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
you will receive so much knowledge, support and encouragement there.
there is always hope,
keep the faith,
get yourself some counseling and get to some meetings.
take care of yourself, let him take care of himself.
make sure you are eating, stay hydrated, getting enough rest, exercise, do things that you enjoy doing.
we need just as much help, support, restoration and healing as they do.
sending prayers,
Debbie
we want to help them and try to save them. our help and support most times becomes enabling. we "fix" things for them, make excuses for them, hide their addiction from family and friends.
our fighting, crying, begging, threats to them in regards to their addiction falls on deaf ears.
we need to step back, let them feel the consequences of their actions, detach from them emotionally, stop fighting, begging and pleading with them. they need to be sick and tired of being sick and tired of their lifestyle.
their addiction causes pain, sorrow, heartache, anger, hurt, loss of trust, to those they are the closest to, it is a family disease. the whole family gets just as sick as they are.
they try to shift the focus off of them and put the blame on others. they make us think we are the reason they are addicts. they don't take any responsibility.
our life should not be revolve around their addiction. we need to find our happiness and our peace independent of their active addiction. I know all of this is soooooo much easier to say than it is to practice.
this is why you need a recovery group. alanon is an excellent support group. here is the website.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
you will receive so much knowledge, support and encouragement there.
there is always hope,
keep the faith,
get yourself some counseling and get to some meetings.
take care of yourself, let him take care of himself.
make sure you are eating, stay hydrated, getting enough rest, exercise, do things that you enjoy doing.
we need just as much help, support, restoration and healing as they do.
sending prayers,
Debbie
My suggestion to quit is to read 'easy way to control alcohol' by Allen Carr. His method on stopping smoking helped me to quit smoking 6 yrs ago. His books on stopping alcohol are similar in the approach and very effective. It is very engaging and worked great for me.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ur welcome......just take care of urself amidst the alcoholic insnaity!pls keep us posted!
Thank you ibizan for creating this discussion. And thank you all ahead of time for your help.
It’s never easy to watch a loved one suffer through the ravages of addiction. Oftentimes, family feel conflicted and often contradictory about what to do and when to do it. On one hand, many relatives and friends feel a sense of compassion, knowing their loved one isn't fully in control of his or her actions, but in the other hand you can be putting the life of the addict in jeopardy by not being firm . It's possible to stay firm and set limits without coming across as harsh or judgmental. It’s not an easy task and most of the time very painful. Many family members find it helpful to get therapy themselves for guidance and support. This can help you explore your feelings and find ways to cope during the difficult times without guilt. All the best!
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For a family member that I adored, loved, cherished, and was horrified at what was happening . . . as I alone tried to deal with it . . . I took a firm stance. My life was constant chaos and incredible fear. I was young and still needed this person although I was getting more independent. But to watch your most loved person destroy themselves day after day becomes a living nightmare. I got to the point in which I couldn't handle it anymore. I made phone calls and matched insurance to treatment center. I then made an appointment to the treatment center. I then put this person in my car still drunk and said "I'm done. I'm driving you to a treatment center and I want you to hear what I am saying. Get sober or I can not be around for you any more. It is ruining my life and killing you. This is it. Your one and only chance with me." I drove them there, got them out, helped them sign in and left. At family week, I went and it was very interesting. This person so afraid of appearances whispered to me before it started that I better not embarrass them! Which then was the first thing that I said to the group when asked what it was like to live with this person. That still . . . even in THAT setting . . . keeping up appearances was more important than my pain or honesty and I was done. And then I laid it out. All my pent up emotion. Wow, I unloaded. I attended the classes that the treatment center provided. I went to some al anon meetings. I learned a lot about not enabling. I'm really happy to report that to the best of my knowledge, my loved one never drank again until they died years later.
The second experience, was just a couple short years after that. Patterns repeat and they did so with a significant other. He too began drinking and using drugs. This was very painful as it was like reliving the nightmare again and that time I PUT myself in that situation. Ugh. After the second or third DUI, I went to this person's dad's house who was the biggest enabler there was to his beloved son. I expressed my deep concern and that he MUST go to a treatment center. His dad balled his eyes out and agreed. So, his dad, me, his step mom and this person went to the treatment center. I told him the same thing I'd told my family member. THIS was it. I can not have someone who is an alcoholic in my life. I was pretty stoic about the whole thing. During the check in, they asked him about his religious preference. I don't think he had ANY religion at the time but he answered Catholic for some reason. When the intake person left, his dad said "where did Catholic come from?" They chuckled and I joined in but it became a big belly laugh, then hysterical laughter, then something that sounded like screaming as I lost control of myself. I remember that odd emotional outburst like it was yesterday. I was kind of embarrassed but it must have been bottled up looking for a chance to come out. Sadly, he got out of rehab and went back to drinking. I left him. I've seen pictures of him from recent times. He is sober now I've been told after a couple of decades and that is good news. But he is bloated, his skin is yellow, and he looks very unwell. Sad, what a waste.
Now, after that, I went to therapy!! I spoke directly to a kind phd therapist about what the heck was going on. Saw her for a year. I highly recommend this as this therapist was my personal cheerleader and helped give me tools to use.
Now, I look for patterns. I had an episode with my husband . . . and it was upsetting to me as it rang a warning bell. I addressed it head on and thankfully that was a couple of years ago. I have made it clear that I will not enable anyone, I will not live with unhealthy people, and I won't.
So, my advice is to think in terms of what you are willing to do. Turn your back on the person using? I got to the point in which I was willing to do that to save myself.