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Need to know who is wrong
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Need to know who is wrong

Me and my wife having very bad arguments/fights lately, and all is related with her drinking alcohol. I do drink, once or twice a week few beers. My wife drinks almost every day at least 3-4 glasses of wine or 4-6 beers. here is what bothers me about her drinking:
--- drinking staring early in the day and when I come back from work she is already drunk. she will speak loud, acts too much in every manner. I do not like to get home and come up against drunk wife, and her drinking alone makes me think hasn't she become an alcoholic. For anything I say  -she replies "your dinner is ready on the table, house is clean, what more you want from me? leave me alone".
--- we do not have any non drinking friends anymore. she stopped relationships with all of our non drinking friends reasoning it - "they are too boring". she has only couple of "good" friends, they are "good" just because they can drink together. For me they all are people living just by today, no any plans or ambitions or whatsoever.Those "good"  people are without any success in their lives, in contrast non drinking friends are raising kids just like us, all of them working, buying cars, buying houses, etc.
--- Any party or gathering without an alcohol is not interesting for her, even  for kids' parties she would like to have something in regular drink cup, so no one will notice. Only when she drinks she will be having fun.
--- and when we are in parties after she gets drunk and starts talking with other men very friendly, hugging them for no reason and it bothers me a lot. She doesn't sit and talk with other women or couples - they are again "too boring" for her for whatever reason she can come up with.
--- it hurts financially as well - I see some friends making less than me have achieved much more than we did in last 2-3 years. I struggle sometimes to keep up with the bills and get very upset when I see money being spent on alcohol every day.

After normal words did not make the change, I lately started to get angry shout and she shouts back, and we get into very bad fights. Specifically for these fights I know I also have contribution - I get angry very fast and start yelling/shouting. I know there is no effect from normal talk, yelling is even worse. But I am done with this and my cup is full and can't hold my anger.  

I can describe our last fight. One of our family friends visited us on Tuesday with their elder mom 6 y.o. That mom drinks but friends do not drink a lot, so they brought just 1 bottle of wine. Ofcourse my wife wasn't satisfied and invited that old lady to come by herself on Thursday. I knew what was it for and I told her we don't need too invite same person after a day and just for drinking. I also told her I do not want drinking again. on Thursday morning she was sleeping when I was leaving to work and again reminded her not to invite if possible and not to drink.At work she texted me that the old lady came and brought a bottle of wine and she was cooking something. I just texted back "hmmm" and did not say anything. after 2-3 hours I got home, they weren't in the kitchen, they were in back yard pool. I thought "oh, they had little bit wine and swimming in the pool", I drank a cup of water said hi to kids inside the house and then went to the pool. what I saw was the old lady in the pool wife is barely walking towards my friend in swimming shorts pulling him to the pool "come on let's swim, let's swim" (I rent my basement to this guy). he supposed to be at work, as he works night shift - still not paying attention too much I asked him "what's up no work?" and when he replied I noticed that they were dead drunk. he says "I am not feeling well, drank something bad, blah, blah, blah" and he went to basement.. and that was it. I started yelling to my wife with very bad words, telling she lied again, she is drunk again, and what the f*ck she makes the guy drink make him wear swim shorts and pulls him to water. She started yelling back, so went back an forth a little, I looked there was nothing to eat and I took kids out to eat. the guy and the old lady were gone when we came back from dinner with kids...

Other than this, my wife is very good at everything else. And it's in best interest of kids to have normal family where mother and father together.  I don't see anything changing in near future, no idea what I should do.
18 Comments Post a Comment
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3060903_tn?1398568723
It's not pleasant to watch your partner shirk off their responsibilites and drink. It sounds like your wife is dependent on alcohol and needs to take the first step and admit that her life has become unmanageable. You can ask your wife to attend marriage counseling to get your point across that her drinking is disrupting your marriage. There she may be able to admit that she has a problem, where there is a mediator and no yelling.

You can go to Alanon, where you can learn how not to enable your wife. For instance, you can look after the finances and not make any money available for her to drink away. You have kids, and so if there is any extra money, it should be going into a college fund for the kids. This is what you can tell her, when you take over the finances. No money, no booze.

She will need Alcoholics Anonymous to quit . It might help to buy the "Big Book" and the "12 Step" Book from a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and leave it out for her.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you!, marriage counseling seems to be good idea. I can't 100% control the money, as she makes $100-150 every 2 weeks and she can buy for her own earned money.
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5973125_tn?1378579463
There's something underneath the drinking. She didn't just start drinking all the time just bc. You need to find out what that is and mend it. You need to sympathize with her and help her thru it. She is just screaming for help whether she admits it or not. You need to learn to talk to you wife in such a way that you are not accusing her. Tell her how you feel example " I feel hurt to what I see when I come home" or " I feel sad the kids are subjected to this"  see this way you are careful not to use the word "you".  Then ask her how we could fix this. Give her the reigns. I agree that counseling would be a great idea. Oh and never bring your problems in front of others, it makes matter worse to make a scene. Good luck too you and your wife
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3060903_tn?1398568723
Why does she have her own earned money? She should be puttin her earnings in the family account, and after all bills, food mortgage , college funds etc are looked after , then you both decide how much each person gets to spend on yourselves.
You need to negotiate what she then does with a small amount of personal money.
That's the way it works in most non co dependent households.....

you got some work to do Ricky........ (i love lucy)
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3060903_tn?1398568723
If what she wants to do with her \net income, after family taxes, is that she wants to get drunk
well then you address that.......
i don't want a wife who spends her money on getting drunk
i don't want the kids to see a mommy who spends her money on booze

take control of the finances means that you expect her income to be used for family things, or how is this called a marriage?
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3060903_tn?1398568723
She's acting like  a teenage\r with their first part time job
who get's into trouble with their choices and buy weed on the corner
their father's would ask them to pay rent, if they needed it
or put it into a college fund, where the family contributes as well, so that they can get an education
your wife sounds like she's got to grow up
she sounds like she's being able to act like a kid
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3060903_tn?1398568723
I'm really proud of you openng up here, getting back to us, and sticking with this thread, we mean to help you with this, but can't with people that hold back vital info, or balk at clearing up any confusion
but not you, you're doing a great job getting to the bottom of you problem
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Avatar_m_tn
I also tried to figure out what could be the cause, it's been going on last 3 years. For me it seems basically at the time when she started to hang out with one of her "good" friends. Then she found friend's friends, etc.
I agree our problems should be our problems, but I did talk about it in front of her friends and told them I did not like daily drinking in my house. at least with some result - now they visit us not so frequently or when I am at work.
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Avatar_m_tn
I put one bill (only one smallest bill - electricity) on her name to encourage her to keep up with it. Nope, I do have to pay "termination notices"..
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4104707_tn?1351020595
Hello and welcome to the forum. You wrote: "drinking starting early in the day and when I come back from work she is already drunk. she will speak loud, acts too much in every manner. I do not like to get home and come up against drunk wife, and her drinking alone makes me think hasn't she become an alcoholic."  

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I've belonged to AA for quite some time. Alcoholism is a disease. It's recognized by the AMA and has been for over 70 years. In AA I personally try not to call someone an alcoholic, that's up to them to decide if they are or not. They must decide for themselves they have a problem, and then hopefully take some positive action, instigated by it being their very own idea to go out and get help. When that day arrives my friend, rejoice! That's a very good thing to have happen. That, I assume, is your ultimate hope out of all this, to get the gal you married back!

Some of what I've learned over the years about alcoholism I'd like to share with you:

There are Alcoholic types entirely normal in every respect except in the effect alcohol has upon them. We are often able, intelligent, friendly people.

When practicing our addiction, we Alcoholics drink essentially because we like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while we admit it is injurious, we cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To us, our alcoholic life seems the only normal one.

When practicing our addiction, we're restless, irritable and discontented, unless we're under the influence. We're either planning one, in the middle of one, or physically recovering from one.

When practicing our addiction, problems pile up on us and become difficult for us to solve.

We Alcoholics have an allergy to alcohol afflicted with alcoholic addiction  and we can never safely use alcohol in any form at all, without becoming drunk over and over again. (A major part of the AA solution is to stop using, and then immediately go work on ourselves to change our thinking entirely, while at the same time learning to love and respect ourselves.)

If you look up the symptoms of the disease you'll find many more that I haven't mentioned. I encourage you to learn all you can about the disease. Fighting it via squabbles won't solve it. In fact, being suddenly silent about it will speak volumes. If you feel your wife has a problem, what you can do is go to an Al-anon meeting. That's a meeting where every member has an alcoholic in their life, and they are taking care of their very own peace of mind through understanding, leaving their alcoholic loved one to be who they are. This is where you'll learn how "silence speaks volumes" when it comes to this disease. I also go to al-anon, my daughter is an addict.

We also have an "Alcoholic, Living with" forum on our MedHelp site. Stick around on here, keep posting, visit the other forum, post on that. Keep learning and understanding all you can. I wish you luck with all of this. It's tough, believe me I know. We want our loved ones safe, and to again become the people we know they can be.
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5973125_tn?1378579463
Mmm well maybe give her an ultimatum. Either she starts tryin to quit or you leave. Sometimes people need to be hit hard with reality. Just don't be too harsh with her. She does need your sympathy.
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Avatar_f_tn
To my thinking:

Instead of calling it alcohol-ISM, if we were to call it alcohol ADDICTION, it might be easier understood by some:
A recovered heroin addict can't use heroin
A recovered cocaine addict can't use cocaine
and a recovered alcohol addict can't use alcohol.

I don't think one has to have problems to become an alcohol ADDICT.  The substance itself is addicting and I think everyone who drinks alcohol will become addicted given enough time and/or quantity.  Everyone who smokes didn't become addicted with that first cigarette but those who keep smoking eventually become addicted.  How many cigarettes did it take?  Who knows the exact number for each person?  It's probably a different number of cigarettes for different people, but at some point, a smoker will become addicted to cigarettes.  And at some point a drinker will become addicted to alcohol.

If You put cucumbers in brine they will become pickles.  Not every cucumber becomes a pickle at the same time as all the others - but leave the cucumbers in the brine long enough and every last one of them will become a pickle.  It's the brine that is the culprit.  And for alcohol addicts, the culprit is alcohol.

I think everyone who drinks should drink with caution 'cuz You never know when any of us could step over that line.  And we all know, alcohol addicts don't recognize that about themselves until after it becomes a problem and often, not even then.
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Avatar_m_tn
"If You put cucumbers in brine they will become pickles.  Not every cucumber becomes a pickle at the same time as all the others - but leave the cucumbers in the brine long enough and every last one of them will become a pickle. "

Very aptly put, spot on analogy- couldn't agree with you more.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
You're wife could easily switch to prescription meds if she does stop drinking. Cross addiction happens all the time. I think you need to push for a marriage counselor that is also an addictions therapist at this point in your relationship. You are taking the entire responsibility of the finances, and that is just not fair. If your wife is able to work, she's able to contribute. I would use that point when insisting upon marriage counseling. If your wife is able to open up with a marriage counselor, who is also trained in addiction therapy, then she will less likely become addicted to unnecessary precription meds. It's a slippery slope when we first become aware that others see us as having a problem. Lots of baiting and switching happens, and doctors are all too complicit. You seem to feel that marriage counseling would help. It would be heartless for a spouse to refuse to attend marriage counseling if asked nicely by their partner. How can you say 'no" to that. You need help dealing with this. I agree that it would help you to become very familiar with Alanon and AA. See yourself and your wife getting back to where you once were, have faith, you are not alone. Miracles happen~
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5039239_tn?1364028271
Why don't you both go to AA meetings, and start the twelve step program there. I and my husband have been sober for 2 years on the 22nd. I also drank everyday, at night. We went to AA and followed the program and with having faith in God, and lots of prayers, following the twelve steps, we have been able to stay sober and have become better people. We also never have drinking people anywhere around us. An alcoholic when they quit can never have another drink the rest of thier life. We know people who have been sober 35 years who still go to AA meetings, because they can never become cured of alcoholism and will always need to be on top of it for the rest of thier lives. We also know of many who have died on thier last drunk.
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5840009_tn?1395493115
HI! Hope things have gotten better since you last posted??? Here's the thing... Your wife really needs to be slapped with reality right now. Your home is not a flop house or a place for her to play in the pool getting drunk while you are at work and the kids are inside. Its disrespectful and rude the way you have described things!! IMO you need to take a stand and show some very tough love at this point! YOU are the voice of your children and family unit at this point. The longer you allow this stuff to continue in your home the worse it's going to get and spiral out of control. I KNOW. I've been on BOTH sides of the equation.... She made need to see what a life without you and the kids would be like. Im not saying divorce by any means but I do truly believe that it is time for you to take a FIRM stand and stick to it! If she can't settle down and be a wife and mother than maybe she needs to go stay at a motel for awhile and  get drunk in their pool. I KNOW it probably wouldn't be very long before she missed you guys very much. You sound like a loving husband who is willing to support her through recovery but the kicker is SHE HAS TO WANT IT FOR HERSELF... SHE has to ADMIT that she has lost control.... You need to ask yourself how much your willing to put up with in the event that she decides shes fine and doesn't have a problem... Have you thought of those things? My heart does go out to you. Like I said I've been on both sides of the coin and neither is an easy spot to be in............
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Avatar_f_tn
Right on 2 the both of u!I so agree w/all u've said!
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6050747_tn?1378957943
In reading your story, I feel you are describing me when you talk of your wife and how she drinks and carries on. It reminds me of how tired I have become of myself when I drink and how foolish and ashamed I felt when others told me how I was carrying on. I have ten days sobriety today, and I am taking it one day at a time. I hope your wife comes to realize she has a problem, too. Maybe it takes something drastic to happen before she snaps out of herself and realizes that she is about to lose everything (you and kids). Sorry but it does not sound like healthy environment for kids anyway until she gets help.
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