Randon Questions - Am i enabler

[PsychoSweets]

Hi there! I'm new to this so bare with me.  I have a question -- months ago, I thought I had met the man of my dreams -- he was my everything, little did I know he was lying to me, he said he was a recovered alcoholic and I believed him.  Yes, he helped me through one of the lowest periods in my life....my questions are simple:
1) Do alcoholics ever fully recovery?
2) Was I naive in believing in him?  The things he told me felt so right and I trusted him, my heart shattered into a zillion pieces when I found out he was lying.  
3) Should I trust him again?
I honestly love this person but I don't know what to do -- I'm sure everyone will say go to an AL-ANON meeting but what is funny about that is he is the one who introduced me to AL-ANON. I am going to the meetings, yes I have accepted that I am not the reason he drinks - but do I trust again?  By the way, I do not drink -- never have/never will -- I was giving the gift of hating the way it tastes and smells, yes, I'm lucky in that sense.  I'm heartbroken and hurt beyond repair at this point.  
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.

[ibizan]

there are many ppl in recovery who give great advice- but don't follow it.It is a great hook to remove themselves from fully addressing their own issues.There is a saying in AA-sick ppl trying to get better....just because one is trying to not drink/use drugs doesn't make them a saint...there are many personal issues that need to be addressed by THE PERSON themselves!

[rod44]

For me helping others be it here on medhelp or in the community in general is about identification, it brings me back to when I was trying to stop and it reminds me that I am only one drink away from disaster...some times I can forget the pain and the brain can play tricks on me telling me that it would be ok for me to have a drink....
However I always put my sobriety first, before everything and everyone, I am no good to anyone if I am drinking.
You need to have balance, and most important you need to practice what you preach....
The key to staying sober is honesty, being honest about everything that is happening in your life, honest with ourselves and accepting our illness and taking responsibility for it....the only one we are fooling if we live a lie is ourselves at the end of the day...

Ray

[PsychoSweets]

Thanks for the GREAT advice, it is clearing up unanswered questions.  But, I do have another question -- I honestly don't know how to say this -- without everyone going loco -- but we actually met on this website.  He is awesome at giving advice but I worry that he spends too much time focusing on helping others instead of focusing on himself.  He is the kindest and most understanding person that I've ever met in my life. He is so knowledgeable when it comes to helping people with addiction and yes, he introduced me to Al-anon, over the last 3 months he has been to rehab twice - I've experienced his personal hell, first hand and it is not pretty.   I am just worried and wish there was a way that y'all could reach out to him.  I love him dearly - and just want to make sure he stays strong during these next couple of months.  I honestly think the second stint in rehab -- has stuck and I pray every night to grant him the strength to live another day - alcohol free.  He is so special and just looking at your names -- I know he has impacted your lives, as well.  I honestly believe he is an angel, he helps so many while fighting his own demons.  I just wish I could take this disease away and set him free.  I know I can't but I always can wish and pray.  So, here goes my question, does helping others on MedHelp, make you as the addict stronger or make you lose focus on fighting your own personal battle?

[ibizan]

psychosweets-rod and sara have given u xcellent advice!do we alcoholics/addicts ever take a look at how our behavior affects others?yes we do if we take a searching and fearless moral inventory...Step 4...we write down our character defects how we have harmed others and ourselves and how we TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for changeing our behavior!If this is not done.....we remain self absorbed and narcissistic within ourselves and to others.I was 24 years sober/clean...met and fell for a charming seemingly loving man who said he was clean from cocaine a few years.He relapsed and turned in2 a gameplayer such as u describe ur man 2 b...plus got very verbally abusive.He thought i would put up with this for i'd been minus a relationship for a long time.....i had to get rid of his sorry behind.......so sad...he lost the best friend he ever had.Don't allow this guy 2 manipulate u...he sounds very skilled at it!

[rod44]

Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

For me healthy relationships with my partner my family and my friends depends on my sobriety, part of recovery is giving back the help I got when I was at rock bottom, this changed my life and is something I treat very seriously my partner knows and understands this and it is something we communicate about often....
Ray

[rod44]

Again I speak from my own personal experience, I agree with Sara, If he goes over the edge it will be his fault not yours, he needs to take ownership of his addiction accept responsibility for his drinking and the damage he is doing and has done in the past....
It is not fair on you but he dose not see it that way, if he is drinking he will not want you to know but drinking will come first, it is the state of mind he is in, this is what he needs to change, my partner goes to alanon, she recognizes when I am not OK and can see the warning signs, my friends in AA are also friends with her and she can talk to them if things are not OK but at the end of the day there is nothing she can do to stop me from drinking, she can and dose encourage me to pick up the phone and call one of my AA friends if I have a problem.... I go to my meetings and share if I am not OK, this is not easy when you are down but you must do it to stay sane and sober...

so I would say you concentrate on you and let him find his own path, encourage him to get help and let him know that you will help and support him but you will not be a prisoner of his addection,...
Hope this helps
Ray

[dominosarah]

You are not and will never be the reason he chooses to pick up a drink, no matter what you say or do.  That responsibility is on his shoulders.  Walking on eggshells is no way to live in a relationship.  You are right, this is not fair to you.  Only you can change your behavior in this relationship.   You have to be the first priority in your life.  As a recovering addict has to be their first priority.  If he is actively using his first love will be that drink.  He will blame you and try to make you feel like it is your fault.  That way it takes the responsibility off him so he thinks.  Dont give him the power of doing that.  When we enter into recovery we have many amends to make.  Our relationships have suffered and some havent lasted.  We are a work in progress and each day we make the decision to either drink or not.  Aftercare programs are very vital to those of us in recovery.  We work on ourselves to see what has kept us from dealing with our real feelings for so long.  This doesnt happen overnite.  Our relationships are very important to us and educating our families is also very important.  I am a mother and grandma and have been sober for over 7 yrs.  Everyday i thank my lucky stars for another day sober and i am grateful for my family and friends.  The forum is an added bonus for many of us.  If we can save just one person from the depths of he!! we have lived we have done well.  Our families are taken care of first and foremost.  I hope this made sense!!!!!!!             sara

[PsychoSweets]

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom.  I don't know how to handle his recovery and I don't want to live in fear that if I say something wrong, do not call on time, or anything wrong that it will push him over the edge.  I know I am not responsible for his drinking that it is his choice but I don't want to be the reason he starts again.  I live in constant fear that he has fallen off the wagon, like today...I heard from him yesterday -- around noon -- and not a word since.  I've stayed up all night worried that he is drinking.  To me, and maybe I'm being selfish, I just don't think that it is fair to me.  I would think as a recovery addict that a person might be a little more understanding and considerate.  Does that make sense at all?  As recovering addicts, I know you gain most of your strength by helping others but do you ever step back and look at the relationships closest to you or do you achieve that healing through helping others that you are not close too?  Does that make any sense? Thanks again for the replies.  

[dominosarah]

Do we ever fully recover?  Addiction is for life.  We will live with this addiction as long as we live.  We have to work at our recovery everyday.  If we dont we will go back to our drinking or using.  Addicts are the masters at lying while in active use.  I am sorry you have been hurt as i know how painful that is.  Actions speak louder than words with us.  Only he can change himself.  If there is no trust in a relationship it becomes very toxic.  I hope this helps........sara

[rod44]

I speak as a recovering Alcoholic, I am one drink away from going back to where I was when I stopped and got sober 7 years ago, I work on staying sober every day....
the only way I can stay sober id to be completely honest with my self and the people close to me...
I cant say if you should trust him again but I feel if there is no trust in your relationship then you are not in a good place...
When I was drinking it came before every one and every thing else in my life, I could promise the sun moon and stars but these were empty promises so giving ultamatims did not work with me....
As a member of AA my friends here recognize if I am slipping often before I do my self, this is why I get at least 4 meetings each week in my home group...

I hope this helps in some small way...
Ray