Recovering Alcholic but husband still wants to drink

[michelle819]

My husband and I met drinking and were pretty much drinking buddies.  Then, my drinking go progressively worse in a matter of a few months and I checked myself to rehab a few months ago.  Was doing ok, then relapse again.  I left the house and went to live with my parent's for a while.  My husband has a history of being verbally abusive with me and he has admitted it himself - but he states it because I was drinking.  However, I know it started before my heavy drinking (which has been about a year).  He has cut down his drinking and has no alcholol in the house, nor does he drink in front of me.  He gets raging mad when I have had a slip up (and I don't blame him), however, he will still go out with friends and drinks, but states he doesn't get drunk and just has a coulple of beers, but it drives me crazy and I end up drinking-I feel like he is being hyicritical. I know this is my issue and cannot control him.  As a last resort, I recently  moved out of the house for a while and am currently going to an outpatient program.  So, my question is, is it possible for me to live with someone who still wants to drink even though I have asked him not too?  If he want's me to not drink 100% (as I do too), the only thing I see possible is for him to do the same thing - but he refuses to commit to it.  We have tried everything else(as in him still drinking occasionally, but not drinking around me etc.) and nothing has worked.  I hate alcohol, it has ruined my life and I can't be a part of it and if he can't commit to not drink, I'm not sure I can be married to him.  I had a seizure about a month ago - which scared me to death because I could have been driving, but just happened to be in the parking lot at the time.  But, still he won't commit to not drinking.  And gets verbally abusive if I have a slip up.  I just know if I continue to drink, I will be dead,  Is this fair to ask him to not drink either?  And if he doesn't, I'm thinking I will have to leave the marriage if I want to stay sober.  Help!  Any advice?

[ibizan]

No one pushes anyone to drink!Drinking to deal w/turmoil is a personal choice.A sober alcoholic cannot stay sober w/an active drinker!

[nimbus08]

sounds like you are still in denial. Still blaming everyone else for your problems.  You failed to describe things from your husbands point of view.  everything from your point of view and of course, he's the bad guy.  What have you done to push him to this limit.  If he is truly as bad as you say he is, then you should leave for your own safety.  But first, I would be honest with yourself and determine what you are doing that causes the turmoil in your relationship.  I'm sure you know, but being in denial is a powerful thing and looking for excuses is common.

[ibizan]

so glad ur here dear.......please keep posting......a drink or a drug will not help a darn thing and like AA says one is 2 many and a 1000 never enuf!:)hang tough lady!!!!

[michelle819]

Thank you for your support!  Now getting through the divorce process is harder than I thought.  I just refuse to drink over it - although at times, it sounds pretty good to escape.  But, I just know that it will make matters worse...I have to remember that.  Wow!  Where has this web site been all this time?  Thank you again for all of your insite and comments.  It's nice to know we are not alone.

[Punkinhead75]

Glad to hear you are doing well.  Keep it up!!

[ibizan]

Bravo for u girl!u go girl...and keep on a going:)

[freenikita]

Absolutely fair to ask him. I'll go as far as you should not have to ask! Michelle, I think you know in your heart what and when you need to do in order to live the life you want which as of now is a life as a couple and a healthy one. Stay strong girl u r brave to take these first steps.

[michelle819]

I haven't been on this website for quite a few months... so, quick update: turns out I am much better now and have some sober time behind me.  Yeah!  It feels so good to feel healthy again!  I actually filed for divorce.  I just couldn't put myself back in that situation again.  When I told my soon to be ex-husband I wanted a divorce, he said he promised he would change - he would stop drinking and the abuse would stop.  Well, I'm sorry, my sobriety is too important to me chance and I'm not risking it.  He was controlling, abusive, and has his own alcohol issues he needs to deal with.  So, in a way, I actually feel sorry for him because I am pretty sure he is now he is drinking quite heavily.  So I am going to AA meetings every day and doing what is suggested and trusting the process. I am an alcoholic  and I own it and I have to do my recovery every day, one day at a time.  And I know that as long as I don't drink, and do what is suggested, go to meetings,  things will happen the way they are supposed to and when they are supposed to.  And I just have to trust it.  Thank you to those who posted.

[Punkinhead75]

Hi michelle, thanks for posting.  I often refer to my wife as my ex-bartender.  We both used to drink when we first met.  We too used to be drinking buddies.  She was a blackout/binge drinker and I turned into that steady 24hr drinker.  She used to get real nasty and not come home and it was all I could focus one.  I drank to get relief from the anxiety and anger that I used to blame on her.  We both stopped.  I go to AA mtgs on a regular basis and she does not.  She tend to get to acting like a "dry drunk" and can be very difficult.  The behavior is very similar to being drunk without drinking.  Angry, controlling, possesive, finger pointing, blame, not accepting any responsibility for anything, everybody else is wrong etc.  

The thing to keep in mind is that we are responsible for our own alcoholism.  It is up to us to adapt to the world around us.  As long as I base my sobriety on the actions of others chances are I will end up drunk.  I have many sober friends whose girlfriends, boyfriends and spouses still drink and they have managed to make their relationships better.  By trying to get your husband to stop aren't you now being the controlling one?  Your husband is the same guy you married.  You knew what you were getting into.  Just because drinking isn't ok for you doesn't mean it isn't ok for him.  Is his drinking as bad as yours was?  Maybe there is some validity to his anger in regards to your drinking.  When we abuse alcohol the whole family gets sick.  Is he angry when you are sober?  Even though he doesn't want to stop he is trying to work with you.  Like you said he doesn't keep it in the house or drink in front of you.  He seems as though he has been willing to change a little.  Remember,  this is your obsession.  There are steps you can take to have the obsession removed.  Are you willing to take those steps?

In early sobriety it is important to surround yourself with sober people or supportive family and friends.  So I would absolutely recommend staying somewhere else until you are more secure with your sobriety.  I was told not to make any major changes in the first year.  I'm glad I didn't.  I was ready to walk out on my wife and today our relationship is much better. It's not perfect but it is a lot better.  Have you thought about going to AA mtgs?  They really helped me out quite a bit.  People there helped me understand how to stay sober when surrounded by booze.  They have a book.  It is called "The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous".  You can pick one up at most meetings or even in a book store.  There is a lot of good information in there that can help you out.

I sincerely wish you the best and if there is anything I can do to help please ask.  In regards to your question,  yes it is possible to live with someone who still drinks. Go to meet some people who are doing it a let them teach you how.  Do what is required to let go of your obssesion so you can be free from your drinking as well as his. God Bless!!!

[ibizan]

Can u stay sober and live with someone who is drinking?I'd say NO!its obvious he has a problem of his own and takes your inventory when he cannot look in the mirror at himself and his own problems.Recovery is hard enough on its own....i've been there..soon to celebrate 27 years alcohol/drug free.....and u need to surround urself with ppl who support and respect you...and this one with his verbal abuse and alcohol issues seems presently incapapble of doing so!

[John_jb1]

Hello,

In answer to your question "Can you live with someone who is drinking, but I'm trying hard to stop" In a good situation, yes you can. But having read what you've wrote, stress is the last thing that you should be experiencing, especially after having a seizure.

If I was in your situation, (personal advice, take it how you want) I would go and move into parents/friends someone who will have you for a temporary amount of time, and end the relationship. He has been abusive, which requires no excuse, alcohol involved or not… He also seems to be quite possessive and controlling, which again is more stress, and yes you are right in saying he’s being hypocritical.

It is very fair to ask him to not drink at all, in fact in this situation it’s a necessity. I know it may seem extreme, but I would say you do need to get out of there.
As I said, this is personal advice, take it or leave it, it’s what I would do in your situation.

Cheers,

- John -