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1886897 tn?1328331136
Sobriety is Scary
My name is Jim and I am an alcoholic; my last drink was 45 days ago.

I started this post hoping that this would give some of us a chance to share our feelings, fears, experiances, and support mechanisms.

I, for one, am not comfortable in groups of people (sharing my feelings or not), so I was hoping this might give me (and others like me) both an emotional outlet as well as a forum that doesn’t take me too far out of my comfort zone.
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Page 6 of 6
1886897 tn?1328331136
I feel good, Day 71!. Have a Dr.'s appointment with my addictologist this PM, that always gives me a mental boost.
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1260255 tn?1288658164
Congrats on Day 71! You and I stopped right around the same time; I began a two week taper on September 24.

For me, I put off quitting drinking because the thought of sobriety was scary to me. A psychiatrist put me on naltrexone, saying it would lessen cravings and dull the effects of alcohol. I never did have cravings and came off the medication very quickly.

I also delayed quitting waiting for what I thought would be a time where I was under less stress and therefore better positioned for success. I made an appointment with my GP for the end of August but did get an appointment with a psychiatrist until late September. I guess that month gave me more time to build myself up towards quitting.

It has been much easier than I expected and I do not miss it at all. It was interesting to watch people drinking on Thanksgiving while I was stone sober and others were imbibing.

Again, congrats to you and keep up the good work!

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495284 tn?1333897642
A Big HUGE Congrats to you on 71 days!!!  One of these days i will break out the happy dance for you, Minnesota style!!!!  
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1886897 tn?1328331136
Day 72

I feel exceptional today. I saw my Dr. (addiction medicine) yesterday. That alway gives me a dose of positive energy; he is a wonderful doctor, makes you feel at home, can relate to what you are saying, etc, etc. Although I like all my doctors, I actually look forward to my appointments with him.

72 days? Thats 72 days! Seven two. SEVENTY TWO!!!

My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner; think of all the money I could have saved. The misery, emotional, physical, phsycological pain I could have spared, not just myself, but loved ones (and a complete stranger now and again). But alas, I can't change the past, bt I do have control over my future...
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495284 tn?1333897642
And today it is 73..SEVEN THREE!!!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Not only are you saving money but you are saving yourself and that is what is important.  I am pleased as punch that you like your Dr.  That is such a huge plus.

"and a complete stranger now and again".....Love it!!!

How is Zip doing?
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1886897 tn?1328331136
Day 73

Do you ever have one of those dreams/nightmares in which you can't distingush dream from reality? That's what the last 18 +/- have been for me. I will ex[lain in depth tomorrow, I can't deal with it anymore today...
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I've had tons of those in my recovery.......drunk/stoned dreams......and ones like u describe for the past 6 years since my dad passed and watching my mom go slowly insane and rotting from Lewy Body Dementia.its our brains way of flushing excess frustration...its just a dream....and all that garbage needs to be released somewhere!just stand firm w/the no drinking.....one hour at a time.
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1886897 tn?1328331136
Day 74

Okay, here's the story:

DREAM: I decided I could have a few cocktails, I can stop after a few.
DREAM: Proceeded to get wasted.
DREAM: Talked to my former boss and a VP aand they said I can come back to work tomorrow.
REAL: Woke up Thursday morning, looed at clock, wsa running late. Called Rich to let him know; could barely work the phone, am still quite drunk.
REAL: Got to work and started unpacking the stuff in my old office; some people that saw me say hi when pass my door, they are surprised to see me since no announcement was made.
REAL: VP walks by see's me in my office, stops and bewildered, wants to know what I am doing there.
REAL: At this point I am begining to have my doubts, so I tell him I was told I could come back today, unless I was dreaming it?
REAL: VP says "well, I just talked to President a couple of minutes ago and he never said anything about it. Why don't we get you packed up and I'll have him call you tomorrow?
REAL: So, I drove home, vomited, and took a nap.

Can you see how that would mess with your mind?
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oh yes that is 2 darn real!freaky and symbolic!but it is indeed a dream if u think u can stop after a few...cuz u don't..and thats when the nightmare really begins!
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495284 tn?1333897642
How are you?
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1886897 tn?1328331136
I've been mental for the last couple of days.
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495284 tn?1333897642
Please elaborate if you will.................
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495284 tn?1333897642
I'm still waiting~~~
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1886897 tn?1328331136
I had to send my brain on a mental vacation or have a nervous breakdown. I chose the former. Though I like to think I keep things in perspective, every once in a while, all the little things gang up on me and become one big thing. If I could step out of the mental black hole I've created for myself and be an impartial third party, I'd say "what's his problem?"
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495284 tn?1333897642
How are you feeling today?  Are you getting out and getting some fresh air?   That helps.

I will be back on here later, have that dreaded Christmas shopping to do today.  ugghhh
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1886897 tn?1328331136
Everything I tried typing tonight came out sounding way too negative (it depressed even me, and I'm typing it). Will try again tomorrow and hope for happy thoughts.
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1475202 tn?1388955435
Good morning Jim! Today is going to be a great day filled with happy thoughts for you I hope. You have made a huge accomplishment and you should be very proud. If I added it up right today is Day 83! Remember to keep pushing forward set yourself some goals to learn something new or try something you haven’t tried before. Drinking will no longer get in your way, your "super Jim" (ha ha) and you can do anything! Take care!

Randy
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495284 tn?1333897642
Just say what is on your mind.  It is our job to pick it apart!! lol
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1886897 tn?1328331136
I have a very different set of beliefs than most people (I'd say upwards of 90% of earth's population); if I shared alot of what was on my mind I wouldn't be doing anyone any favors. Organized religion is one topic in particular that I tend to have a differing opinion than most, and though I try to respect others beliefs, somehow I always end up being the villian.

Ahh yes, the Christmas season! If I could fast forward to January I would.

p.s. I hate Christmas music.
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1475202 tn?1388955435
So my singing Jingle bells isn't gonna help anything huh? ha ha
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i hate that cheesy holiday music myself!falalalafreakinfala!hahahahahaha!its all just another 24 hrs.that will come and go like any other day!ppl really wig themselves out unnecessarily over it!
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1886897 tn?1328331136
So it begins...

I love my family, I really do, I just love them better in much smaller doses. For the next two weeks I will see them every day, every meal, and sober no less! I should get a prize or something.

But, alas, there I go being negative again...joy to the world and all that.
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495284 tn?1333897642
Now i know why i was drawn to psychodog....He is so much like boogieman, especially when he mentioned the organized religion!!!

They can stick their Christmas music right where the sun dont shine...Every frickin store is playing the same sh!t!!!

If you dont mind some cuss words there is a great holiday song that i really like.  I wont post the link here but........
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hahahah girl...i've written a few of my one!jingle bells santa smells.......i will have xmas day lunch w/my mom who has the Lewy Body Dementia...it will not be a joyous day...but i will go...it will bring her happiness for a short while.
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1886897 tn?1328331136
There is a whole litany of subjects you could get me going on; the way I see it, if someone asks me what I think, it's their own fault if the don't like the answer.

On a serperate note...it's day two of the holiday season and I've already had enough. If I was still drinkin I'd mix myself a double...
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495284 tn?1333897642
Yep it is their fault if they get mad!!!  

I swear to god if this season doesnt get over in about 3 minutes i am going to snap!!
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1886897 tn?1328331136
I don't swear to god; that would infer that I believe in one, which I don't.

But yes, this could end now and that would be just fine by me. I hope it snows soon; snow banks are an easy place to dump bodies.
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495284 tn?1333897642
I will bring the shovel~~
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1886897 tn?1328331136
Day 88

Two more days and this happy horsepoop (not my word of choice, I would have prefered a stronger expletive) is over. Then people can go back to acting normal. Passing each other on the street and politely ignoring each other.

Why does everyone feel the need to wish me a merry christmas? Isn't that some sort of reverse discrimination thing? I mean, I know it's their constitutional right, first amendment is freedom of speech after all, but they should read further...second amendment is?? You geussed it...right to bear arms.

To get back on subject, the holidays do remind me that I miss alcohol. Not in the joyful, ho ho, ho, let's be merry, come all ye faithful, sort of miss, but the drink enough that after the first hour it really doesn't matter, and after the second I'd better be in my jammies at home in my chair kind of miss.

Okay, that slipped, I do miss it, if I could control it, but I can't, so I won't. Actually, there is an itsy, bitsy, tiny, part of me that would like to...I won't finish, you get the point.
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oh i am laughing!i share ur sentiments bout all the few days of cheeriness that some ppl exude then POOF!its over!like an ejaculation!:)oops dominosarah made me say that......i first got sober round holiday time...and i SO felt/thought like u....but then it didn't hafta be holiday for me to feel that way in my first year of sobriety!this 2 shall pass.....
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495284 tn?1333897642
I'm sitting in my bajammies as we speak, having a cup of coffee, dreading going to work today as people are going to be out of their minds.  It seems some have NO idea that Christmas is here!!!   Bunch of "FT's"!!!

Holidays were always a time of getting together for our family.  Now that my dad is gone we dont do that anymore.  I miss that.  It wasnt about the presents at our house.  I miss my dad everyday but holidays are the worst.  *sniff* *sniff*

I remember thinking those same thoughts psychodog.  They will pass in time. We didnt get this way overnight.   The important thing is that you dont act on them.  

Off to choke Rudolph!!
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oh noooooooooooooooooooo honey don't hurt Rudolph...its not his fault!my holidays have changed 2 w/my dad gone.....and mom mentally/physically in ruins......i've had good xmas's past...indeed i have...so now its for lil kids and retailers!
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1886897 tn?1328331136
I will be up most of the night waiting for Santa, Glock in my lap. If he enters by house, I consider that breaking and entering; I also set up Claymore's around my fireplace. Let him try that fireplace sh** around here.

Not to go from the gutter and straight to the sewer, but you most definatly haven't been playing in my sandbox if POOF and it's over is the final act...


Back to my mental health health, I am hanging on to my sanity by a precariously thin thread. I'm trying not to be overly dramatic, but I don't know where this came from. Just jumped onto my back from nowhere.


I'm kinda looking forward to seeing the reindeer; it'll be like target practice: BANG, down goes Dasher, BANG, down goes Dancer, BANG, down goes Comet: do I get more points if I take them out in order? If you see Santa, tell him he may want to avoid my house...
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495284 tn?1333897642
If you can sing the song and take them out in order you get bonus pts!!

The good times are good but the bad times can be brutal.  We sound like a broken record but it will pass.  Try not to spend alot of time in your head as we dont make very good playmates in there.  I am proud of you for what you are accomplishing here.  It is tough but you are doing it, one day at a time~~
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1886897 tn?1328331136
I would agree that I am not my own BFF right now. It's been a culmination of the last three months; alcohol was always just a convenient solution. Or better yet, alcohol mixed with some prescription drugs. That's what I miss.

I was doing so well...now this. Very confused. So very confused.
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1886897 tn?1328331136
Any suggestions on what I might do now? I have lots of not very good thoughts...
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495284 tn?1333897642
Using is not an option here.  What sort of prescription drugs were you taking?
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I am an alcoholic 4 years sober.  This year, holiday has been the hardest by far that I came so damn close to drinking, I am surprised I didn't. I take a prescription med, and have been taking more of that, so now I have to tell my DR and get me on the right dosage, because the 3 hours it lasts is not enough.  I know I am weak in times of severe stress with any substance.  I am also BP 1, PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, etc.  I also have a tough time going to outside meetings like AA. I don't like large crowds, and also I take medication late afternoon that makes me very sleepy when the meetings are going on.  
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1886897 tn?1328331136
I apologize if I was unclear; what I meant to convey was that when I was drinking, if the opportunity presented itself to take prescription medications with alcohol, that was a bonus round. My personal favorite was muscle relaxers, but I wasn't picky. Generally, anything that said "do not drink alcohol while taking this medication" was good enough for my purposes.

I've had a rough couple of days on a number of fronts, so if I seem a little freaked out, it's because I am. Bear with me, it's happened before, it'll pass in a day or two.
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1475202 tn?1388955435
Good morning! Day 94! Terrific job you have really made some amazing progress my friend. I am very glad to see you post and talk about your feelings. I think you must find a lot of strength from this group and that is cool. You are a perfect example of how this group can work for anyone who needs help. Primarily due to our mutual friends Sarah and Ibizzy! Yet I wonder, what is your long term plan? What I mean is that have you set any goals set for yourself. Striving to reach your goals and making accomplishments  is also another way to help keep you on track and feeling great about yourself.
Since by now I imagine you have a good handle on things but of course being an alcoholic is a battle that is going to continue for your lifetime. It will get easier and easier.  

Set your goals high make your loved ones even more proud. Typically as alcoholics we put our loved ones through a lot of BS, yet still they have continued to stay by you and love you. It may be time for some payback. Show them what a great guy you really are inside. That my friend is a small dose of Christmas perspective. It doesn’t have to be about not believing in God or jokes of shooting reindeer.

Happy Holidays!
Randy
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1959543 tn?1325181056
Amazing postings and inspirational!  I'm about to start my own journey and reading yours and others comments make it less scary to me to start.  Thank you for being so open. I hope you are having a good day and remember to breathe.
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495284 tn?1333897642
Welcome to the forum, we are here to support you~~sara
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1886897 tn?1328331136
Welcome; I know it's scary, I, for one, was terrified. There are lots of wonderful people on this forum that will provide you with invaluble advice and support. My only regret is that I didn't do this 25 years ago. Some of the stories of my drunken escapades are almost unbelievable. I should write an autobiography, only it would have to be sold in the fiction section, nobody would believe it's true, hence no non-fiction.

Randy- your point is taken. I shouldn't belittle others customs or beliefs just because I disagree with them. I was getting a little too comfortable here; that's never good for me.
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495284 tn?1333897642
I would never shoot Rudolph!!
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1475202 tn?1388955435
Well a good choking he might deserve, he's crapped on my house more than once too. ha ha
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1886897 tn?1328331136
Jeez...I have one liners, witty, quirky thoughts, lots of historical information that I could distort to my needs, I could probably come up with some derogitory remarks about Texas, have tons of Santa material (I can make that up on command), it's all open, waiting for me, begging really, just wanting to be let loose, a little walk on the wild side, my side of the tracks...but, I said I'd play nice, I'll honor that. Enjoy it though, I can't guarantee how long it'll last
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1475202 tn?1388955435
Oh by all means be yourself. Humor is a great thing we can never have too much of! Happy New years Jim!
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1886897 tn?1328331136
And a Happy New Year to you as well Randy! The moment passed, kind of like putting myself in a time out. if it's not spontaneous it's no fun.
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1886897 tn?1328331136
Day 100

Yes, that's right, Day 100. One Zero Zero. Ten to the tenth power. Triple digits baby. Whouda thunk it? Not  me! fist pump, fist pump, as he strikes the Carles Atlas pose. Who let the dogs out? whoof, whoof, whoof, whoof. This was a joint effort, I couldn't have done it without all of you, so Thank You.
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U r so funny.......rpoohbearbutt was supposed to take the dogs out!:)congrats dude...keep truckin......
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