Sobriety is Scary

My name is Jim and I am an alcoholic; my last drink was 45 days ago.

I started this post hoping that this would give some of us a chance to share our feelings, fears, experiances, and support mechanisms.

I, for one, am not comfortable in groups of people (sharing my feelings or not), so I was hoping this might give me (and others like me) both an emotional outlet as well as a forum that doesn’t take me too far out of my comfort zone.

[Fides_et_Spes]

Hey phsycodog,

I'd be happy to keep touch. We've all made our mistakes but the fact we are given this opportunity to change can't be all bad. Have a good night and congrats on another day.

Fides_et_Specs

[Fides_et_Spes]

Hey phsycodog,

Congrats on 45 days, I'm not that far behind you. I suffer from depression, anxiety and depersonalization which can be pretty scary. I know you are probably scared too getting sober is not an easy thing to do. But you're doing the right thing by reaching out it helps. I know going to group meetings is uncomfortable, a lot of times I feel like I'm going to have a full blown panic attack, but sometimes, I believe, you have to accept the situation and step out of your comfort zone to help recovery. Keep reaching out both here and in groups. Remeber take it a day at a time. Take care.

[Phtartist]

Hi I'm GG and I'm an Alcoholic. I've been blessed with 17 years sobriety and thank God I was for now I know I'd be dead.
Thank you for starting this thread.
In my 17 years I faced some of the hardest times of my life from chronic undiagnosable illness to chronic pain, depression, anxiety, yes I detached from people, sort of depersonalized due to my feeling alone, a defense mechanism. Very suicidal but my fear and faith kept me alive despite my brain lying to me I'd be better off dead. I'm a social person who is a cynic.
That keeps me safe. Essentially, I am fragile and an addict who has battled to find her true self despite what she was taught to be.
Authenticity is what I believe to my core is important. Being authentically true to myself is what I needed to be in order to survive, addiction, illness and the ignorance of others.
thanks for being here.

[ibizan]

i'm an alcoholic/addict...approaching 28 years of clean time 11-22.i love not having hangovers,blackouts,misspent $$$,so-called friends who leave when ur out of drugs....i love remembering what i did the nite b4.....yes sobriety is scary...but i have re-channeled my mind to the benefits of a a sober/clean life...and get out my mental broom and dustpan and chase the bad moods and ghosts if they come a knocking at my brains door!

[Phtartist]

What I don't miss is the constant obcession with my next drink and maintaining a buzz. The rationalizing why I should drink, the blame game. What is wrong with everyone else thing. I stopped that when I heard the saying "when you point your finger at people, three are pointing back".  
My problems with people....is me.
All I went through, I could not if I was drinking.  Drinking is not an option for us.


Hi, Ibi!!

[phsycodog]

Thank you all for your replies. This is all very new to me and very alien; for the last 20+ years I drank everyday until I passed out, started with beer until I destroyed my stomach, then switched to somthing easier, Rum.

I can't tell you how many things I've screwed up over the years (marrige, realationships, jobs, money, health, bodily harm), but I am sure you can imagine.

I hope we can keep this dialoge up, and maybe, if it's not too much of a burden, I can unload some baggage over time...

Fides_et_Specs, I'd like to keep in touch to see how the fight is going since we are so close to our battle time wise.

Phtartist & ibizan, maybe you could stay in touch to give us advise and keep us going in the right direction?

phsycodog

[Fides_et_Spes]

Hey phsycodog,

I'd be happy to keep touch. We've all made our mistakes but the fact we are given this opportunity to change can't be all bad. Have a good night and congrats on another day.

Fides_et_Specs

[dominosarah]

All i had to look forward to was death had i continued drinking.  My body was shutting down.  I was constantly at war in my head and was drinking whiskey every single day.  My relationships with family members was non existant as they saw what was going on with me and would call me out on it, i knew they were right so i just stayed away and drank more.  I thought numbing my pain was easier than really dealing with my issues.   My grandson was born in this period and i was never allowed to have him as i thought i was just fine, the rest of the world was F'd up.  After i sobered up my drug abuse really kicked in, all i had done was traded one addiction for another.  April 2008 i put the drugs down and decided once again i was not going to live much longer if i continued.  I had had enough and it was time to find me as i never really knew who i was before.  I stepped out of my comfort zone and took chances.  Using was only a symptom of what was really going on.  There is pain dealing with our demons but they are nothing compared to the pain we deal with while using.  As one person said once you surrender the war is over.  Take baby steps, focus on the journey, not the destination.  Congrats on wanting to get your life back.  It is the greatest thing you can give yourself~~~sara

[rod44]

I drank every day for many years, in the early days it was ok. I would meet friends for a few beers, go to sporting events and a few beers after, go for a meal and a few beers after, everything we did involved drinking. Over the years I started drinking more and more. I was aware that I was drinking more than my friends and I was drinking my drinks faster than they were. I then started to have a few drinks before I would meet my friends. I drank to get drunk, my friends did not so gradually we drifted apart. I enjoyed the company of people like me, people who just wanted to get that buzz that you get when you first start drinking. I spent years chancing that buzz, drinking more and more but never finding it.I started to have blackouts, they became a  daily Occurrence.
I started drinking at home, within a very short time I was fearful to leave the house, I became permanently depressed and paranoid, my thoughts were racing, I was on a roller-coaster. I could not sleep so I started taking cough mixture to try to help with sleeping. If I did not have drink near me I would panic, I would go into the horrors. I was admitted for detox a few times but I would drink after leaving the hospital and it would not be long before I was back to square one.
In 2002 I was again admitted to hospital. This time I had medical problems as well as the mental & emotional issues. I was in for just over two months, I started going to AA. I went to an inpatient treatment centre for 28 days but it was AA that has helped me to keep me sober.
Now my worst day sober beats my best day drunk. I fear what would happen if I were to pick up just one drink.

[Phtartist]

Powerful powerful words Sara and rod!
I find it interesting that no matter what a fellow alcoholic shares, I can identify with many parts of their story.
I started drinking seriously in my 20's. Being raised in a heavy handed strict home and I was a very sensitive person, afraid of everything, I did everything by the book. Even then I was considered naughty. Punishment was severe in my home growing up so I learned to lie and justify. Here lies the foundation for the perfectly trained alcoholic.
Long story short, I Always drank to get drunk but always had a reason to drink and was good at hiding it. (I thought)  Early on I cooked with wine and the Graham Kerr recipes called for wine for the dish and wine for me. (he is a fellow recovery person celeb now lol).
From my abusive marriage to being a single Mom I can list all the reasons why I drank but none of them were true.
I drank because #1 I am an alcoholic, #2 I am constitutionally unprepared to deal with life on life's terms.
It took me four tries of months sober and then relapse for me to try an out patient program. When it was done, I drank. I met my now husband who was an alcoholic (I had no idea) and we had drunked bliss for more years to come. We married and I didn't like after a while the family dynamics of two drunk parents and two great kids. The kids were away with Dad most weekends but there was carting back and forth and even with being a drunk, I  had one rule "don't drink and drive". This put a cramp in my drinking lol.
I was finding work to be more difficult (teaching). I never drank on the job but hangovers are no fun with emotionally disturbed children as students.
I went into long term rehab.
I had been around AA, met some great people some not so great. That is people in general, not AA, the program of AA is great!! The twelve steps and traditions were written by a struggling alcoholic Bill and divine inspiration. If anyone does anything, read the Twelve steps, OMG!   watch The Bill Wilson story, movie!!!
I went back out.

I had never surrendered to a higher power :-/  did not get it at all!
I need to really get something in order to submit to it, to jump in both feet. What I did not realize it was not about giving in, it was about becoming aware, For Me.
I had not hit bottom, my bottom. I don't give up easy. To me hitting bottom was giving up. What I didn't realize was it was giving up my control of insanity.
Flash ahead....i cannot recollect details but there were horrible withdrawals, liver enzymes off, memory lapse, depression, anxiety and finally doctors and doctors. Everything was hard, work, family, life.

One day reluctantly, I shouted to God that I give in!!  
Weird, when the physical tightness wore off, I could breathe better, and my body was less clenched, I felt my mind was less complicated.

I noticed days later I had not had the obcession to drink that use to cause me difficulty breathing.
Through all the relationship stuff now, my devastating health mysteries, and all the crap life hands me, I have not had a drink.

I'd lie to you if I said that on day 90 of a migraine that I haven't thought of a scotch but with the strength and wisdom I have now from the words in the Twelve steps and the true friends I have from AA, my husband for one, I do not drink.

You need not ask for this thread to continue. It will take on its own life, watch, it will be a beautiful thing.

[ibizan]

i check this forum several times a day to see if my comments can shed some light......we do tend to the newcomers needs who seriously want help to stay sober/clean!i b watching for u!:)

[dominosarah]

Losing my daughter in a nasty custody fight was the bottom for me until i learned there were trap doors to my bottom.  Little did i know then she had just gotten smarter than i had and she had to do what she did to save herself as i couldnt do that for her as i was way to sick to save anyone let alone myself.  Today my relationship has healed with her, i am finally her mom.  I have been blessed with another grandbaby and they are the loves of my life.  I dont have a pot to pee in due to my past behaviors but i also am the richest woman alive as i am sober/clean today, my family is back and that is all that matters.

[dominosarah]

I see you are an animal lover.....You will fit in great with this bunch!

[phsycodog]

I am an animal lover (sometimes I think I like animals more than people); the reason I can't post until later is I have to take my physco (6 month old blue Blue Heeler named Zip) to doggie class.

A question for you to think of a good answer for me before my return this evening (it may be a rambling question, this is new to me):

I am committed to staying sober; is it normal for me to miss being drunk, not tipsy, but fall down, sloppy drunk? I miss alcohol. When I get frustrated with something I think, "man, a cocktail would be nice right about now".

Will this ever go away?

[dominosarah]

Yes it is normal to feel this way.   We feel all alone and our best friend is our drink as it gives us a false sense of security.  This is why we "preach" recovery care so much.  I was scared to death to walk into that first meeting.  All i could think of was noone will understand as i am different.  I soon found out the only thing different was my name, the stories were the same, the pain was the same and the losses were the same.  One wise man told me early on to take the cotton out of my ears and put them in my mouth.  I listened to the ones who had gone before me and i still continue to do that to this day.  Recovery is a slow process so patience is something we have to learn.  We didnt get into this position overnight.  We have to change up our thinking, we change our playground and playmates and we do this one day at a time, taking baby steps.......

Umm we also share the same feelings about our pets and people!!!  lol
Welcome Zip to our family!!

[ibizan]

yeegads a 6mos.old blue heeler pup!does he/she have anyone to herd/round up?that'll keep ya hoppin!or running in circles!yes it is very normal..i found...in the first year or 2 to miss the release the drink/drugs brought us......but euphoric recall only focuses on the escape and no responsibility to anyone/anything the drink gave us.....i missed it very much my first year...and that feeling has dissipated!and OH YES.....i do love the company of my greyhounds/cats much moreso than many humans...but i am choosy these days as to what humans i choose to b friends!recovery taught me that!about once a month for 15 minutes i miss smoking pot.....sometime i want to smoke a stogiejoint a foot long and several inches wide and say world go away and totally be in a brainfog......but i snap outta it and laugh at meself for what a juvenile fantasy that is....i proved a zillion times in the past that one of anything was too much and a 1000 was never enuf......so i had to retire meself from that chemical life of altered states!

[phsycodog]

I'm Baaaccckk...

Here's what I think I know...

Yesterday way only 45 days, today is 46, tomorrow will be 47, then 48, 49, 50, and so on, and so on, and so on... of course I think about my good friend Captian Morgan, he's the only one I've thought about for the last 20+ years; I'll have some good days & some bad days (today just happens to be good), hopefully more good than bad; this may seem like a no sh** moment to those of you that have been doing this for a while, but for me it's a revalation.

I was having a pretty rough time last night, I finally crashed out of sheer merciful mental exhuastion.

I woke up this morning with my dog cuddled up next to me in bed & decided I was overthinking it. I spent the day with my best friend (I don't have many people friends) at the range shooting trap (for those of you not familiar with trap, they are clay projectiles, I'm not shotting animals), and geuss whatt?!? I didn't think about alchohol all day!

Many thanks to all for your concern, hopefully my mood stays this way at a minimum for the rest of the evening...

[dominosarah]

Your triumphs are our triumphs too.  We are all just one drink away from relapse so we always have to keep our guard up no matter how much time we have.

There is nothing like going out and shooting something up(not humans or animals!).  I love trap shooting.  My daddy taught me how to use a gun!!!  lol

[phsycodog]

Day 47

Unfortunatly I spent most of the day in bed feeling sorry for myself; I geuss I'll have to get used to the fact that for no particular reason, sometimes you just have bad days.

The good news is, I am still committed to staying sober (as long as I can).

Because I know it is better, even if I don't know why it is better, yet, but I know, I will know, why it is better, when I know. If that makes any sense. Oddly enough, it makes perfect sense to me (maybe that's what years of drugs and alcohol does to your brain?).

[dominosarah]

Everyone has bad days, we just have to be on our toes more.

I did understand your last paragraph and yes you will know when you know!

No laying in bed feeling sorry for yourself anymore...

Congrats on another day sober!  That is a great achievement~~sara  

[phsycodog]

Day 49

I wrote in my jounal, figured if anyone wanted to wallow in my self pity they could take a look there.

I've been having a rough couple of days, I knew this wasn't going to be easy, I just didn't know it was going to be so hard.

Someone snap me out of this.

[Fides_et_Spes]

Are you going to any AA meetings or gotten a sponsor?

[dominosarah]

I just commented on your journal.  I find your honesty very refreshing.  Your feelings are very normal right now but what do we really get out of our pity parties?  Time to stand up and fight for you.  You are worth it.  You said you are doing this for your family but i have a feeling you are doing this for you as you said you are committed to this and have hope.  That is a huge plus.  There will come a time when you look in the mirror and like the person looking back at you.  You have many things in your life to be grateful for, your sobriety for one........You are on day 49, an awesome achievement.  Be proud of that.  You are doing the hard work here!!  Any thoughts to recovery care yet??????

[phsycodog]

No, I am not going to meetings, nor have I gotten  a sponser, both appear to be pretty good ideas at this juncture. I have no reason not to be honest, I have aknowledged some of the worst in me, why hide anything at this point.

It should be painfully obvious that I am genuinely confused, I can't say I even know the proper context recovery care should be used in.

[dominosarah]

Your honesty is the reason i think you are doing this for you and that is a good thing.  I know you are confused, this is a whole new thing for you.  Everything is different, foreign and scary.  I would really recommend some sort of recovery care.  It helps us sort out all the confusion we have in our life.  Talking here like you are is a good start.  Just keep hanging in there~~sara

[phsycodog]

I plan to look for meetings in my area; I fear looking and going will be two different things. Today is day 49, and for the briefest moment I thought " F*** it, I'm having a drink", fortunatly 1) the moment passed and 2) I don't keep any alcohol in the house anymore. I didn't do it.

[rpooo]

Hi Phsycodog,
Welcome to MedHelp. First let me tell you congratulations on your sobriety! 49 days is really awesome! I just made it past the 600 day mark and it's been a long road let me tell you. Maybe just a little tougher for me and I'll get to that in a bit.
It does make you wonder if that's weird about doing this for your loved ones and not really yourself but I had that same way of thinking at some point. So who knows, maybe it's more common than we think. I’ve been seeing some of your posts helping others here in the group and it really is nice of you to make time to do this with everything you have on your mind right now. This is how we all help each other here though is through our experiences and as you can probably already tell that in some cases it might seem easy for you to help someone because you have already been down that road.
I take my wife for example, we have a terrific marriage that I am really grateful for and I don't know what I would have done without her. As hard as she tries she still cannot completely understand what it's like to be in my shoes.
Here is a part of my story that I hope in some way might help you out. I have been an alcoholic for twenty years at least, I’ve got my own special rum glass still in the cupboard ha ha towards the end of my drinking I was drinking 23 beers a day and spending $600 a month! I had eventually switched to drinking only beer since I had been told a few times if I don’t stop drinking then it was going to kill me. I never listened and didn't too much care. I thought I was actually going to be able to do this for my entire life but just in case I stopped with the hard stuff. When I was 38 I went to my doctor to get a new year’s worth of my blood pressure pills. Which always scared the hell out of me! He always insisted on an annual physical and so did my wife. Everything was going good I though and while reading my lab results he saved the worst for last. He looked up at me with anger and disappointment and told me he guarantees I have cirrhosis.
He explained why I had to stop drinking immediately and I completely understood. Basically once diagnosed "you drink, you die".  My doctor could not confirm the cirrhosis without further testing but it was evident from the elevated liver enzymes and jaundice. I went home and drank. He sent me too a liver specialist where a Ct scan was done along with many other tests and on -3-23-10 I was diagnosed with end stage cirrhosis. I left that office that day knowing how real everything had just become. The testing was not a mistake, my liver will never be the same, my life was forever changed and what I choose to do from that point decided how soon I would die.
On the drive home my wife was very upset and crying and I was thinking what’s she so upset for, I’m the one dying. maybe instead of me trying to comfort her she could have some sympathy for how I might be feeling. that way of thinking lasted for about two minutes as I realized that she was thinking about being a widow and losing the only man she ever has loved at the age of 33. look at everything i have put her through, putting up with my drunk *** and spending all that money every month sure could’ve paid for a nice truck or car. all the stupid things I’ve said and done to embarrass myself and her. That’s when I realized, I was the one being selfish. Just as we pulled into the garage she turned and asked me what was I going to do about this? I knew what she wanted me to say and without hesitation I told here "well I’m going to have to stop drinking". ( I was at that point doing it for her, my daughters, my family.. everyone that loves me.) I was always so afraid to try before when the doctors with threaten me with their crap because I didn't know if I could do it. This time was different, by the time I stepped out of that car to with-in only a few days I had stopped drinking completely. I knew I could do it this time without a doubt. I have talked to God many times and I am not at all afraid of dying but why do I do this then? I do it because everybody that loves me deserves it! I owe them. they have loved me unconditionally and I have been a very lucky man and was too drunk to know it!. I love my sobriety and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. You see it doesn't matter who you’re doing it for or the reason you’re doing it, just do the right thing and you will be a happy man also. God bless you my new friend and I hope the very best for you and your family.
Randy

[phsycodog]

I went the opposite direction than you, I stopped at the liquor store every day after work and bought a case of beer (that was during the week), then two cases on Saturday, which meant that I'd still have a twelve pack to last me until they started selling beer at 10:30a on Sunday before I could get my case before the day. What I mean  by I went the opposite direction than you is, I did that until I screwed my stomach up so bad I couldn't drink beer anymore, and then I switched to rum. I also had my own special glass. two actually, so I coulld keep one in the freezer filled with ice at all times chilling (sound familiar?).

I'll copy a verse from my journal and post it, it sums it up:

[phsycodog]

I'm just not at a point that I care about me (yet), I hope to get there, but I'm not. I can't say I understand why, because I don't. It's not like I hate myself, I don't even not like myself, I just don't care about me, yet.

Wow, I'm getting deep, next thing you know I'll be busting out the Rorschach test (my sense of humor is still intact).

[dominosarah]

I'm not taking that test if you do bust it out either!!!!

[ibizan]

i took that test years ago and the shrink said i had homicidal fantasies...i laughed and said no i worked in a doctors office and all those runny blots looked like diseased human organs!Oh my friend what u r feeling is so normal in early sobriety...and OH YES it is a result of what u've done....what all of us have done to our brains in our drinking/drug years......imagine that ur brain is like a giant sponge...it soaked up all that alcohol...alcohol gone now and it is wringing itself out of all u put in it!!!!u did good to get self out of bed....go shoot trap....when we get in these states...it is imperative for us to BUSY ourselves w/another activity so those feelings/dark moods pass!i hope u try some AA leads...just go sit listen...listen for what u have in common with the ppl there!i look 4ward 2 a report!

[phsycodog]

I thank all of you; your support means alot. If nothing else, it makes me see things from a perspective other than my own (and mine can't be good).

Today is day 50, which must be positive? That seems like a nice number. That's what I'm going with for the day (I think).

[Fides_et_Spes]

50 days does have a nice ring to it, enjoy it!

[phsycodog]

Day 51

I am still maintaining a positive mental attitutde; I attribute this in no small part to the dialog that I have had with all of you, and for that I am thankful. I strongly encourage anyone out there who may be considering opening up discussions such as these, but are apprehesive, to do so. The release is amazing.

Tomorrow, Day 52, I am having major reconstructive surgery on my wrist, so I may be incommunicodo for a while, atleast until I figure out how to type one handed (lefty at that). While I will try to limit it, I will not be able to avoid the pain medication altogether (there's only so much ibuprophen can do).

At the very least I will be watching to see what is going on with all of you, my new friends...

[ibizan]

healing thoughts and prayers will be coming 2 u from us...me and the greyhounds:) and no doubt all of us here who wish u minimal pain and fast recovery time!

[dominosarah]

I am wishing you a speedy recovery along with my 2 dogs and cat who owns me.  Let us know how you are when you can.          sara

[lavidareal]

2 days sober for me Psycodog.  I hope you heal quickly and come back soon as reading your posts gives me strength...

[dominosarah]

Hope you are feeling better everyday~~Sending healing thoughts your way~~

Enjoy your Thanksgiving!!

[rpooo]

I hope you are doing well and that everything went great. If I did the math right tomorrow is day 59! These sober days are adding up fast! I hope your feeling well and staying strong. I'm sure your loved ones are very proud! Dont get left out of  thanksgiving dinner, find someone to help feed you. ha ha Take care and I hope the best for you and your family

Randy

[phsycodog]

Day 61

I am doing well and am still sober; surgery went well (according to the doctor), he hadd to put less screws in than origianlly anticipated. I had been looking forwar to getting this surgey done for a long time so I could escape the daily pain I have been in for the last 16 years, but if you asked me now, I would reconsider my descision. Hopefully that will change as it heals.

Funny thing happened during this experience...alcohol has become less important to me; will this last? I hope it's no just the pain taking prescedence.

[ibizan]

glad ur surgery went ok...pain will subside....and all that matters is that the urge to  drink has as well......24 hrs. at a time!

[phsycodog]

2 days more than you had before! Take it one day at a time. I have had some really, really, really bad days to get to this point, and I am sure I wil have some more, but atleast I'm here.

Just trying to take it moment by moment...

[phsycodog]

Day 63

Wow, I'm into big numbers now!!

I continue to be astounded by the profound moments of uncanny clarity that are afforded by extended periods of sobriety:
Today for example; I never realized how heavy my drinking problem was while I was drinking heavily, until I stopped drinking, and then I realized how heavily I was drinking, when I had a heavy drinking problem. Now, I still have the heavy drinking problem, the only difference is I’m not drinking. Profound isn’t it?
Do all recovering alcoholics go through this stage, or am I a few quarts shy of a gallon?
720 days is my short term goal; more on that to follow…

[dominosarah]

We are all a few quarts shy of a gallon and that is what makes us so special!!!  I understand what you are saying and yes we do go thru this stage.  Oh do tell about your short term goal......

Hope you are feeling better~~sara

[phsycodog]

Day 64

I am feeling better, it only hurts when I move it (which I'm not supposed to anyway). I get put into a regular cast tomorrow, which will be much better than this big, bulky surgical one I am in (plus I will be able to type with two hands). Against my doctor's wishes, I plan to leave the screws in permenantly, I figure a few extra parts can't hurt.

Way too soon too disclose the plan for after day 720, I have only picked the target date, the plan is still hazy...

[phsycodog]

Finally figured out how to add a picture of my pup! I'm a proud daddy!

[dominosarah]

OMG is he CUTE!!!!!

[crash2323]

Congrats on 64 days--really a great achievement!  I figure, the longer you drank, the longer it takes to get out--just my own personal theory.  Although I do know one person that drank for 25 or 30 years and was able to quit after eight individual therapy sessions.  Being sober is scary.  For me, I think the reason I drank for so long and have had such a difficult time quitting is that I never wanted to leave college.  I never wanted to grow up.  I went to college a total of about 12 years.  I am a 45 year old woman and I drank numerous light beers a day--double digits here--that number would vary from day to day.  I could not face the reality that people grow up and get jobs and have families.  I was single, had a fabulous apartment and always plenty of beer in the fridge.  I was a courtroom attorney (a high stress job that I hated) for 16 years.  Beer helped me to escape the stress.  But eventually things caught up to me.  My body couldn't take all the alcohol.  I ended up in the emergency room for various alcohol-related accidents.  I started counseling in 2008.  The last straw was falling in my bathroom, causing a huge black eye and a quarter of my face to be seriously cut and bruised.  I could  hardly go to court like that, so I ended up quitting my job.  At that point, my mother stepped in along with my doctors and persuaded the federal government fairly easily and quickly that I was completely unable to work and disabled.  Today, I have nothing to show for all my years of hard work and study other than a 10 year old car.  I haven't gotten any money from social security yet, but I do receive food and medical assistance.  Pretty embarrassing for a once very talented attorney who was very well known in her community.  Thankfully, I have a loving boyfriend who has stood by me and is helping me with my few expenses.  So now I am trying not to be afraid of being my age--which is, in fact, middle aged.  Life is not a party and it is not nightly happy hour.  I have been though a series of relapses since I found this site, but I keep fighting back and I am sober once again.  If you are scared of an actual AA meeting right now, there is an online meeting held several times a day.  It might help you feel more comfortablel with a real one.  It also might help to read a copy of their book.  I have only been to a few real AA meetings (I feared being seen due to my past job), but I have participated in many online meetings and have read the book which is full of great stories and great advice.  You are certainly not at all alone.  Again congrats and glad your surgery went well.  I hope you continue to improve.  Keep posting!!!!

[phsycodog]

Thanks for the congrats, I am quite proud of my acheivement so far; this is the longest I have been sober in over 25 years; I think back to the amount of alcohol I drank on a daily baisis (up until 64 days ago) and am amazed, it was enough to, no exageration, kill most normal people. I don't even know how it is physiologically possible to consume that much alcohol in one sitting.

Everyone here (particularly my new good friend sara) has been wonderful, and have helped immeasurably.

I will keep posting...my addictive personality makes me.

[ibizan]

64 days is a great start....we need u here to widen the recovery circle......plus another dog lover!:)

[LauraLindor]

I think it's a great idea, you encourage others and help them in rehab. I hope you will be sober all the time :)

I found here some useful articles about alcoholism

http://webctor.com/diseases/alcohol_abuse_and_alcoholism,3060,1.html

[phsycodog]

Day 66

I am pleased with every day that passes and I can add another digit; these are big numbers to me. I thought about starting a new forum called "Sobriety isn't so Scary", but figured the original title would attract more newcomers than the latter. Am I just in a "honeymoon" stage of euphoria for my newfound sobriety and this will pass? It seems that every day gets markedly better and my new fear is that the demons will come back with a vengeance?? Should I be afraid?

Jim

[dominosarah]

Only be afraid of what another drink would do to you.  Our demons do come back on occasion but we deal with them head on now.   There is nothing we cant handle sober.  Drinking isn't an option.  I have been sober many years and i feel like a toddler at the pull up stage!  I have so much to learn and so much life to live.  Always keep your guard up.  You are doing so good and i am so incredibly proud of you~~sara

[crash2323]

Way to go on your 66 days!  You're doing great!  

[phsycodog]

Day 68

I've been having a rough time the last couple of days; I can't put my finger on why. I've actually been hesitant to post anything for fear of bringing anyone down with me. I know I'm not the first person to do this, but you can sure feel alone sometimes...

[dominosarah]

You post away, especially when you are having a down time.  You are not alone my friend~~

[crash2323]

I guarantee everyone here has had a rough time more than once.  To be expected.  Don't be afraid to post!

[phsycodog]

I'm thinking a good dose of AA is what I need right about now; live people who can relate to what I am going through. While my family (mother & sister) is very supportive, it becomes painfully obvious that they don't (can't) understand what it is like when you try to talk about it (which I don't). How could they though? They've never been in a position where alcohol was more imoprtant than your own life. My brother doesn't count because he is an alcoholic as well, but his view is "he's not an alcoholic, he's a drunk, there's a difference".

I'm not giving up yet, although there are moments during the day that I wonder why, but I'm not.

The good news is, for the most part, I don't even think about alcohol anymore. I do reflect on how much easier it was to not think; just come home and after about six or eight cocktails nothing really bothered me. But I know that all and all this is a better path (I hope, eventually).

[phsycodog]

I looked back...on Day 49 I almost quit, so I am making progress!

[dominosarah]

You are making great progress!!  This is such a life changing process and it does get confusing.  Keep doing what you are doing and talk talk TALK!  We are great at deciphering confusion!!

I would take your thoughts about AA and make it a plan.  

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling today?

[phsycodog]

I feel good, Day 71!. Have a Dr.'s appointment with my addictologist this PM, that always gives me a mental boost.

[Audrey_M]

Congrats on Day 71! You and I stopped right around the same time; I began a two week taper on September 24.

For me, I put off quitting drinking because the thought of sobriety was scary to me. A psychiatrist put me on naltrexone, saying it would lessen cravings and dull the effects of alcohol. I never did have cravings and came off the medication very quickly.

I also delayed quitting waiting for what I thought would be a time where I was under less stress and therefore better positioned for success. I made an appointment with my GP for the end of August but did get an appointment with a psychiatrist until late September. I guess that month gave me more time to build myself up towards quitting.

It has been much easier than I expected and I do not miss it at all. It was interesting to watch people drinking on Thanksgiving while I was stone sober and others were imbibing.

Again, congrats to you and keep up the good work!

[dominosarah]

A Big HUGE Congrats to you on 71 days!!!  One of these days i will break out the happy dance for you, Minnesota style!!!!  

[phsycodog]

Day 72

I feel exceptional today. I saw my Dr. (addiction medicine) yesterday. That alway gives me a dose of positive energy; he is a wonderful doctor, makes you feel at home, can relate to what you are saying, etc, etc. Although I like all my doctors, I actually look forward to my appointments with him.

72 days? Thats 72 days! Seven two. SEVENTY TWO!!!

My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner; think of all the money I could have saved. The misery, emotional, physical, phsycological pain I could have spared, not just myself, but loved ones (and a complete stranger now and again). But alas, I can't change the past, bt I do have control over my future...

[dominosarah]

And today it is 73..SEVEN THREE!!!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Not only are you saving money but you are saving yourself and that is what is important.  I am pleased as punch that you like your Dr.  That is such a huge plus.

"and a complete stranger now and again".....Love it!!!

How is Zip doing?

[phsycodog]

Day 73

Do you ever have one of those dreams/nightmares in which you can't distingush dream from reality? That's what the last 18 +/- have been for me. I will ex[lain in depth tomorrow, I can't deal with it anymore today...

[ibizan]

I've had tons of those in my recovery.......drunk/stoned dreams......and ones like u describe for the past 6 years since my dad passed and watching my mom go slowly insane and rotting from Lewy Body Dementia.its our brains way of flushing excess frustration...its just a dream....and all that garbage needs to be released somewhere!just stand firm w/the no drinking.....one hour at a time.

[phsycodog]

Day 74

Okay, here's the story:

DREAM: I decided I could have a few cocktails, I can stop after a few.
DREAM: Proceeded to get wasted.
DREAM: Talked to my former boss and a VP aand they said I can come back to work tomorrow.
REAL: Woke up Thursday morning, looed at clock, wsa running late. Called Rich to let him know; could barely work the phone, am still quite drunk.
REAL: Got to work and started unpacking the stuff in my old office; some people that saw me say hi when pass my door, they are surprised to see me since no announcement was made.
REAL: VP walks by see's me in my office, stops and bewildered, wants to know what I am doing there.
REAL: At this point I am begining to have my doubts, so I tell him I was told I could come back today, unless I was dreaming it?
REAL: VP says "well, I just talked to President a couple of minutes ago and he never said anything about it. Why don't we get you packed up and I'll have him call you tomorrow?
REAL: So, I drove home, vomited, and took a nap.

Can you see how that would mess with your mind?

[ibizan]

oh yes that is 2 darn real!freaky and symbolic!but it is indeed a dream if u think u can stop after a few...cuz u don't..and thats when the nightmare really begins!

[dominosarah]

How are you?

[phsycodog]

I've been mental for the last couple of days.

[dominosarah]

Please elaborate if you will.................

[dominosarah]

I'm still waiting~~~

[phsycodog]

I had to send my brain on a mental vacation or have a nervous breakdown. I chose the former. Though I like to think I keep things in perspective, every once in a while, all the little things gang up on me and become one big thing. If I could step out of the mental black hole I've created for myself and be an impartial third party, I'd say "what's his problem?"

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling today?  Are you getting out and getting some fresh air?   That helps.

I will be back on here later, have that dreaded Christmas shopping to do today.  ugghhh

[phsycodog]

Everything I tried typing tonight came out sounding way too negative (it depressed even me, and I'm typing it). Will try again tomorrow and hope for happy thoughts.

[rpooo]

Good morning Jim! Today is going to be a great day filled with happy thoughts for you I hope. You have made a huge accomplishment and you should be very proud. If I added it up right today is Day 83! Remember to keep pushing forward set yourself some goals to learn something new or try something you haven’t tried before. Drinking will no longer get in your way, your "super Jim" (ha ha) and you can do anything! Take care!

Randy

[dominosarah]

Just say what is on your mind.  It is our job to pick it apart!! lol

[phsycodog]

I have a very different set of beliefs than most people (I'd say upwards of 90% of earth's population); if I shared alot of what was on my mind I wouldn't be doing anyone any favors. Organized religion is one topic in particular that I tend to have a differing opinion than most, and though I try to respect others beliefs, somehow I always end up being the villian.

Ahh yes, the Christmas season! If I could fast forward to January I would.

p.s. I hate Christmas music.

[rpooo]

So my singing Jingle bells isn't gonna help anything huh? ha ha

[ibizan]

i hate that cheesy holiday music myself!falalalafreakinfala!hahahahahaha!its all just another 24 hrs.that will come and go like any other day!ppl really wig themselves out unnecessarily over it!

[phsycodog]

So it begins...

I love my family, I really do, I just love them better in much smaller doses. For the next two weeks I will see them every day, every meal, and sober no less! I should get a prize or something.

But, alas, there I go being negative again...joy to the world and all that.

[dominosarah]

Now i know why i was drawn to psychodog....He is so much like boogieman, especially when he mentioned the organized religion!!!

They can stick their Christmas music right where the sun dont shine...Every frickin store is playing the same sh!t!!!

If you dont mind some cuss words there is a great holiday song that i really like.  I wont post the link here but........

[ibizan]

hahahah girl...i've written a few of my one!jingle bells santa smells.......i will have xmas day lunch w/my mom who has the Lewy Body Dementia...it will not be a joyous day...but i will go...it will bring her happiness for a short while.

[phsycodog]

There is a whole litany of subjects you could get me going on; the way I see it, if someone asks me what I think, it's their own fault if the don't like the answer.

On a serperate note...it's day two of the holiday season and I've already had enough. If I was still drinkin I'd mix myself a double...

[dominosarah]

Yep it is their fault if they get mad!!!  

I swear to god if this season doesnt get over in about 3 minutes i am going to snap!!

[phsycodog]

I don't swear to god; that would infer that I believe in one, which I don't.

But yes, this could end now and that would be just fine by me. I hope it snows soon; snow banks are an easy place to dump bodies.

[dominosarah]

I will bring the shovel~~

[phsycodog]

Day 88

Two more days and this happy horsepoop (not my word of choice, I would have prefered a stronger expletive) is over. Then people can go back to acting normal. Passing each other on the street and politely ignoring each other.

Why does everyone feel the need to wish me a merry christmas? Isn't that some sort of reverse discrimination thing? I mean, I know it's their constitutional right, first amendment is freedom of speech after all, but they should read further...second amendment is?? You geussed it...right to bear arms.

To get back on subject, the holidays do remind me that I miss alcohol. Not in the joyful, ho ho, ho, let's be merry, come all ye faithful, sort of miss, but the drink enough that after the first hour it really doesn't matter, and after the second I'd better be in my jammies at home in my chair kind of miss.

Okay, that slipped, I do miss it, if I could control it, but I can't, so I won't. Actually, there is an itsy, bitsy, tiny, part of me that would like to...I won't finish, you get the point.

[ibizan]

oh i am laughing!i share ur sentiments bout all the few days of cheeriness that some ppl exude then POOF!its over!like an ejaculation!:)oops dominosarah made me say that......i first got sober round holiday time...and i SO felt/thought like u....but then it didn't hafta be holiday for me to feel that way in my first year of sobriety!this 2 shall pass.....

[dominosarah]

I'm sitting in my bajammies as we speak, having a cup of coffee, dreading going to work today as people are going to be out of their minds.  It seems some have NO idea that Christmas is here!!!   Bunch of "FT's"!!!

Holidays were always a time of getting together for our family.  Now that my dad is gone we dont do that anymore.  I miss that.  It wasnt about the presents at our house.  I miss my dad everyday but holidays are the worst.  *sniff* *sniff*

I remember thinking those same thoughts psychodog.  They will pass in time. We didnt get this way overnight.   The important thing is that you dont act on them.  

Off to choke Rudolph!!

[ibizan]

oh noooooooooooooooooooo honey don't hurt Rudolph...its not his fault!my holidays have changed 2 w/my dad gone.....and mom mentally/physically in ruins......i've had good xmas's past...indeed i have...so now its for lil kids and retailers!

[phsycodog]

I will be up most of the night waiting for Santa, Glock in my lap. If he enters by house, I consider that breaking and entering; I also set up Claymore's around my fireplace. Let him try that fireplace sh** around here.

Not to go from the gutter and straight to the sewer, but you most definatly haven't been playing in my sandbox if POOF and it's over is the final act...


Back to my mental health health, I am hanging on to my sanity by a precariously thin thread. I'm trying not to be overly dramatic, but I don't know where this came from. Just jumped onto my back from nowhere.


I'm kinda looking forward to seeing the reindeer; it'll be like target practice: BANG, down goes Dasher, BANG, down goes Dancer, BANG, down goes Comet: do I get more points if I take them out in order? If you see Santa, tell him he may want to avoid my house...

[dominosarah]

If you can sing the song and take them out in order you get bonus pts!!

The good times are good but the bad times can be brutal.  We sound like a broken record but it will pass.  Try not to spend alot of time in your head as we dont make very good playmates in there.  I am proud of you for what you are accomplishing here.  It is tough but you are doing it, one day at a time~~

[phsycodog]

I would agree that I am not my own BFF right now. It's been a culmination of the last three months; alcohol was always just a convenient solution. Or better yet, alcohol mixed with some prescription drugs. That's what I miss.

I was doing so well...now this. Very confused. So very confused.

[phsycodog]

Any suggestions on what I might do now? I have lots of not very good thoughts...

[dominosarah]

Using is not an option here.  What sort of prescription drugs were you taking?

[hiddenpoetry]

I am an alcoholic 4 years sober.  This year, holiday has been the hardest by far that I came so damn close to drinking, I am surprised I didn't. I take a prescription med, and have been taking more of that, so now I have to tell my DR and get me on the right dosage, because the 3 hours it lasts is not enough.  I know I am weak in times of severe stress with any substance.  I am also BP 1, PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, etc.  I also have a tough time going to outside meetings like AA. I don't like large crowds, and also I take medication late afternoon that makes me very sleepy when the meetings are going on.  

[phsycodog]

I apologize if I was unclear; what I meant to convey was that when I was drinking, if the opportunity presented itself to take prescription medications with alcohol, that was a bonus round. My personal favorite was muscle relaxers, but I wasn't picky. Generally, anything that said "do not drink alcohol while taking this medication" was good enough for my purposes.

I've had a rough couple of days on a number of fronts, so if I seem a little freaked out, it's because I am. Bear with me, it's happened before, it'll pass in a day or two.

[rpooo]

Good morning! Day 94! Terrific job you have really made some amazing progress my friend. I am very glad to see you post and talk about your feelings. I think you must find a lot of strength from this group and that is cool. You are a perfect example of how this group can work for anyone who needs help. Primarily due to our mutual friends Sarah and Ibizzy! Yet I wonder, what is your long term plan? What I mean is that have you set any goals set for yourself. Striving to reach your goals and making accomplishments  is also another way to help keep you on track and feeling great about yourself.
Since by now I imagine you have a good handle on things but of course being an alcoholic is a battle that is going to continue for your lifetime. It will get easier and easier.  

Set your goals high make your loved ones even more proud. Typically as alcoholics we put our loved ones through a lot of BS, yet still they have continued to stay by you and love you. It may be time for some payback. Show them what a great guy you really are inside. That my friend is a small dose of Christmas perspective. It doesn’t have to be about not believing in God or jokes of shooting reindeer.

Happy Holidays!
Randy

[merx2]

Amazing postings and inspirational!  I'm about to start my own journey and reading yours and others comments make it less scary to me to start.  Thank you for being so open. I hope you are having a good day and remember to breathe.

[dominosarah]

Welcome to the forum, we are here to support you~~sara

[phsycodog]

Welcome; I know it's scary, I, for one, was terrified. There are lots of wonderful people on this forum that will provide you with invaluble advice and support. My only regret is that I didn't do this 25 years ago. Some of the stories of my drunken escapades are almost unbelievable. I should write an autobiography, only it would have to be sold in the fiction section, nobody would believe it's true, hence no non-fiction.

Randy- your point is taken. I shouldn't belittle others customs or beliefs just because I disagree with them. I was getting a little too comfortable here; that's never good for me.

[dominosarah]

I would never shoot Rudolph!!

[rpooo]

Well a good choking he might deserve, he's crapped on my house more than once too. ha ha

[phsycodog]

Jeez...I have one liners, witty, quirky thoughts, lots of historical information that I could distort to my needs, I could probably come up with some derogitory remarks about Texas, have tons of Santa material (I can make that up on command), it's all open, waiting for me, begging really, just wanting to be let loose, a little walk on the wild side, my side of the tracks...but, I said I'd play nice, I'll honor that. Enjoy it though, I can't guarantee how long it'll last

[rpooo]

Oh by all means be yourself. Humor is a great thing we can never have too much of! Happy New years Jim!

[phsycodog]

And a Happy New Year to you as well Randy! The moment passed, kind of like putting myself in a time out. if it's not spontaneous it's no fun.

[phsycodog]

Day 100

Yes, that's right, Day 100. One Zero Zero. Ten to the tenth power. Triple digits baby. Whouda thunk it? Not  me! fist pump, fist pump, as he strikes the Carles Atlas pose. Who let the dogs out? whoof, whoof, whoof, whoof. This was a joint effort, I couldn't have done it without all of you, so Thank You.

[ibizan]

U r so funny.......rpoohbearbutt was supposed to take the dogs out!:)congrats dude...keep truckin......