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187666 tn?1331173345

Supporting my son

My son, 23 yo, started drinking in high school - the usual sneak away and drink with friends stuff. As an adult he would drink on weekends with friends. Last year he was picked up on DUII, went through the diversion program and a alcohol treatment program through his medical. The thing is that he still seems to think he can just kick back and have a couple of beers now and then. Last night (around 1am) he called us and he was drunk, rambled on about how he needs help, he's drunk again, knows we probably don't want to hear that but knows that we love him, he's sorry to disappoint us and so forth. We talked to him a bit, no need to say much since he won't remember it today. We checked to make sure he was home safe, assured him that we loved him and we'd talk to him today.

So, what can we do to help him? I know we can't fix the problem. That's up to him. He's going to have times when he's with his friends or he's alone and bored. He has to figure out how to deal with that on his own. But what can we do to encourage him. He's a smart young guy, very sociable and happy. Yeah, he has a lot of potential (geez, that's a typical parent thing to say). But we don't want his life ruined because of the drinking. Suggestions?
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
this is good news....and yes deleting those phone numbers is a good thing.When i got sober my best drinking buddy said he couldn't b around me 4 i was a reminder to him of his problem and what he was unwilling 2 do 4 himself.some of the old buds don't want to see us succeed..and want us down there on their level......good he's rising above!
Helpful - 0
187666 tn?1331173345
Thank you again for the encouragement. He called us last night. We had a good talk. He's changing his phone # today and making it private so others can't see his # on caller ID. This way he can also cut out certain people that are not helping. Some folks do sabotage our efforts. People trying to lose weight - friends will say, "Oh, you've got to try just one bite of this dessert. It's so good!" or "I baked these cookies just for you." All those little pressures that ideally we should say NO to them. But we don't.

So he's cutting out some so-called friends and going back into counseling. He sounded good, a bit more confident. I'm happy he's not giving up.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
What u describe is not enabling!Wishing u and ur son the best.....and for him to honestly look at his drinking...he has begun!
Helpful - 0
187666 tn?1331173345
We don't pay his bills and we don't drink except for splitting a beer between the two of us (my husband and I) once or twice during a hot summer day. That's a total of 2 beers a year. He's an adult, there's no need for us to bail him out of anything. He has an excellent job. When he got the DUII he wouldn't tell us about it for a couple of months. Reason? Our oldest son was getting married and he didn't want us to be worried or distracted during a happy moment. He handled everything on his own - all the meetings and court costs. He just kept us up to date on how things were going. The most we offer is a soda or heat up some leftovers when he drops by for a visit. I don't think that would qualify as "enabling."
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
paying his bills is a form of enabling.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
The most important thing is to stop being an enabler. If he gets a DUI, don't bail him out. Don't give him money if he asks for it, instead give him food, offer to pay some of his bills etc. Keep all alcohol out of your house. Don't drink around him
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
I was watching a program on birds of prey the other nite and researchers tracking their habits!Some 20 yr.olds do go thru that rite of passage thing with the alcohol....an important thing 2 consider is what he was doing with the drinking as a teen...was their loss of control then and blacking out?All u can do is what u mentioned....anyone can choose to wake up and smell the coffee at anytime.....it is a CHOICE and hopefully he will avoid further consequences as a result of the drinking.Best of luck and prayers for him...please keep us posted and thank u for the work u do with the wildlife!:)
Helpful - 0
187666 tn?1331173345
Yes, that's a raptor I'm holding. It's an Osprey that we got in with a bad wing wound. It was healing nicely when this picture was taken. It's all part of my job.

I'm still trying to decide if he's an alcoholic or just making bad decisions when he hangs out with old high school buddies. When he's on his own he's doing great at work, loves to go jogging with his dog, worries about what he eats, likes to cook and hang out with us. But on those rare occasions he gets together with the old crowd, they all get out of control. I don't want to be a typical Mom in denial and say how wonderful my son is. But I don't want to assume the worst. He may just be in transition from his wild youth to growing up. He's made a lot of changes in the past couple of years. I'm hoping this is the last bit of foolishness, the last hurrah before he settles down.

We will continue to stay in touch with him, listen to him and encourage him in all areas of his life. I don't want him to think because he made a bad choice that he's a loser. He's far from that. We all make bad choices at times. The trick is to learn from them. Thanks for your encouragement. I needed it.
Helpful - 0
187666 tn?1331173345
Yes, that's a raptor I'm holding. It's an Osprey that we got in with a bad wing wound. It was healing nicely when this picture was taken. It's all part of my job.

I'm still trying to decide if he's an alcoholic or just making bad decisions when he hangs out with old high school buddies. When he's on his own he's doing great at work, loves to go jogging with his dog, worries about what he eats, likes to cook and hang out with us. But on those rare occasions he gets together with the old crowd, they all get out of control. I don't want to be a typical Mom in denial and say how wonderful my son is. But I don't want to assume the worst. He may just be in transition from his wild youth to growing up. He's made a lot of changes in the past couple of years. I'm hoping this is the last bit of foolishness, the last hurrah before he settles down.

We will continue to stay in touch with him, listen to him and encourage him in all areas of his life. I don't want him to think because he made a bad choice that he's a loser. He's far from that. We all make bad choices at times. The trick is to learn from them. Thanks for your encouragement. I needed it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
my sister lives in Beaverton not far from u...what is that animal in ur arms?a raptor?It is very sad/frustrating to have a loved one doing as ur son is....many in this forum can relate as well as I.My dayjob is alcohol/drug abuse counselor for 23 years and sober/clean for 24.I don't see many 20 some year olds wake up and accept their loss of control with alcohol..they seem to be white knuckling it with thinking they can control the drinking....and try...only to fail.It will unfortunately take another DUI or another crisis to wake him up....would be nice if he did so now.All u can do is point out the obvious to him and keep suggesting he get more help.....its all u can do.If u look at our entertainment industry and contributors of this world ..many had/have substance abuse problems.So many gifted people who either wake up.....or don't.My ex ruined a singing career and recording contract because of his cocaine addiction.He refuses help and continues to ruin his life 2 this day at age 56.Which is why i cut him loose for my sanity.....the words of the Serenity prayer r so true!
Helpful - 0
190885 tn?1333025891
i gotta ask you...is that a hawk your holding with no gloves and no hood i see???...............i don't know what to tell you about your son except i think you you have to keep on talking with him about it...and you should learn all you can about alcohol problems...keep reading this forum for a while ..goggle alcoholic and read...i think the best thing is to know something about it...i had kids that drank some in high school...i just had my youngest son lose his job working at a ski area because he was caught drinking on the mountain...he's 16.....i have 7 kids ..all smart ...but some of them do get drinking sometimes....i always tell them as best i can what to watch out for...good luck with the animals it's always nice to see folks trying to understand wildlife...billy
Helpful - 0
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