"The Promises"

Are the promises true? I need something to believe in - i am heartsick over not being with my family and when wife divorced me after 20 years i signed over everything to her out of guilt including 7 years alimony - i feel like my life is on hold for 7 years so she can go out dating and enjoying her "new" life. i need the will to continue, need a cornerstone. any suggestions will be helpful. dont want to turn to the bottle again, that will only make things worse and even though i dont see my kids much anymore which kills me, i want to "be there" for them when i do see them

[BANDIDA]

Bob I don't know if this will help but it is food for thought that I have been applying to my own situation. I read this quote in the newspaper the other day and it got me thinkin "The worst thing that happens to you can be the best thing for you, if you don't let it get the best of you." Keep your chin up things will get better thru time and no do not turn to the bottle it is not the solution nor will it help, Good Luck!!! Try to have a positive day.

[Tink70]

YES!  That is the answer to your question.  YES!  The Promises are true.  But you need to realize that The Promises are the 9th STEP promises!  That means that you need to work the program - work the steps - IN ORDER!  They are put in that order for a reason but when you get there - you WILL see them start happening.  As the Big Book says...Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly but they will happen if we have the capacity to be completely honest with ourselves.  Sometimes, we see those promises start to manifest themselves in small ways BEFORE the 9th step and that is great.  I know this to be true for myself.  And sometimes, we have to work through the steps entirely before all of them manifest themselves.  I also know this to be true for myself.  
You can do this.  You and God as you understand Him can do this together with the help of AA, the Steps and a sponsor!  Keep it Simple and remember:  You do not have to drink today - no matter what!

[TJack]

What great posts from Tink and Bandida!  We are all supporting you and rooting for you.
I am in the process of getting a sponsor now.  If she is back from her vacation.  I will call her today.  Go to AA, the meetings have really helped me.  I have read the 12 steps/12 promises through and am on the Big book now.  What do you do with your days?  Do you work full time?  How are you occupying your time?  Have you other family that support you and are there for you?   Your kids will come around more, give them leeway and stay sober.  tj

[Bob185]

i work - very stressful job - full commission and the ex just wants monies i cant give her - i dont think she knew of the finacial impact this would have on all of us. i have a sponsor and a good one. the weekends are lonely and depressing and i dread them. my daughter is home from school now, but she has her own life as well as my 17 year old son. i don't want them to feel sorry for me, so when they say they are busy i say no problem. they love me and support me. my ex is out all the time and dating - that rips a hole in me. i try to read alot of aa literature and hope that this can save me.

[Bob185]

thank you for your comment - i just cannot fathom that i screwed up so bad to have my wife leave and not being with my kids. i am an alcoholic and though i want recovery my grief over divorce seems to overwhelming to me. i still love her very much and hate what i have done to make her reach this point - i was not abusive in any way, just would get tired and isolate when drinking.

[Bob185]

why could'nt i have stopped before i lost so much. the throes of being in alcholism (alcoholism) is vicious and alot of people think your just weak - i thought that way for a long time but i realize it is more than that. tthanks for the posts.

[Bob185]

just want to say thanks for the supportive posts - i am glad you still have your husband. it helps to have loved ones around support you - i had many chances with my ex-wife but she just got fed up. still trying to find the will to go on. it's lonely.

[Jacker]

What are you doing for support besides talking with a sponsor?  You talk about being alone on the weekends and reading.  I think you need to get out with some people.  I don't mean dating- just do some people related activities (with a non alcoholic group).  Do you have a sport or play an instrument?  Get together with a group of likeminded people.  Do you go to church?  Now might be a good time to start - not just Sunday Mornings but to whatever activities are offered.

I think your problems will work themselves thorugh with time (and sobriety), but too much self reflection will leave you thinking about things that you cannot change.  I know that some AA groups also have social activities.  Just a thought.  

[Bob185]

thanks for the suggestions - i feel that i am intruding with some of our old friends that we went out with as "couples". they have their own life and i think alot of our mutual friends dont want to take sides. I am also uncomfortable with the "What happened" questions which i cant find the answer to. It came as a shock to almost everyone that we got divorced. I still have lots of shame about my drinking which is not a secret anymore as we live in a small town and people talk. Tough spot Jacker - bob185

[Jacker]

Well, I don't know if you can go to the next town for your activities or not.  Since I quit drinking, I've ridden miles of roads on my bicycle.  It's an activity I've always enjoyed and there are bicycle clubs in many places.  If you're not that type of thing, there's always motorcycle touring  - there are also activities and churches in other towns.  

There are ways to stay occupied so that you don't fall back into drinking and this also keeps you from getting depressed.