What More Can I Do or Say?

[babypooh]

Hello, I posted here last month about my alcoholic husband.  He's still drinking on his days off and he acts really disrespectful and annoying infront of everyone (we live with my parents).  Last Monday, (grocery day) I asked him to please stay sober at least until after groceries were done.  Well, he drank anyway and we didn't do groceries.  Last night he went to get something to eat and came back already acting funny and dumb infront of my sister.  This morning I asked him what was going on with him right now that he keeps drinking.  He didn't want to hear it.  He just would bring up other things that I do that bother him.  He said that as long as he didn't do anything to me he didn't see anything wrong with him drinking.  I told him to please do it for our son.  I told him that he needs to quit so that he can be with our son who is really attached to him.  If I ask him to leave then our son would be devastated.  I know he loves our son, but his answer was, "Well, now that I started a second job, I'm not home much anyway so what difference would it make?"  I told him that I couldn't believe he said that because the two days that he's off mean everything to our son and for him to say that it didn't make a difference really hurt me.  I couldn't stop my tears.  I cried and ran to the room, but it was too late; my son saw me and ran after me crying himself to see me that way.  
My husband also told me that he'll drink when he wants to.  Then he made another excuse; said he needed to go to the bank and left.  Of course that means he wants to go out and drink.  I asked him if he's just acting dumb or if he really meant what he said (because I know he doesn't mean it) and he said he was acting dumb, but he sounded sarcastic.  I don't know what to tell him anymore to make him think or encourage him to get help somehow.  I don't want to ask him to leave.  I have told him before that if I ask him to leave it'd be only a separation so that he can get help and come back to us sober... Sorry I made this long, there's really no one I want to talk to about this...it's embarrassing...I need advice.  Any would be appreciated. It's grocery day so I hope he comes back home sober so we can go (doubt it). Thanks for "listening."

[ibizan]

i will pray that he gets a DUI and doesn't hurt anyone in the process!and i hope u r NOT allowing him to take ur son in the car and drive!r u financially dependent on this man?would he leave if u asked him 2?if not where can u go and take ur son?its apparent he's gonna keep drinking and doesn't care in his alcohol soaked mind what u and ur son want/need so u must deliver an ultimatum and stick with it..u need to go to al-anon plus find a good substance abuse counselor for urself to help u set limits and stick with them!substance abuse counselors do good work with family members..i know i do it all the time!

[jml1986]

Sadly there is nothing you can do. By telling him that you will only leave him so he will get help and then you will come back, you are enabling him to continue down the same path. You need to remember that you are not dealing with a husband, you are dealing with a disease. You can tell him a million times to stop for you or your child, and that he needs help but it will not happen unless or until he is ready, it won't happen. You can make your choices on what you want him to do, you have to make them on what is right for you and your child, then stand your ground.

[VOR]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  Unfortunately, it's not uncommon anymore.  Alcohol has become such a staple in our society that people don't realize how damaging it can be and is, especially to the family unit.  Not knowing the full story, all I can tell you is that you have to think of your son and yourself first.  It's not wrong to think of yourself, so don't feel guilty in doing so.

He may love you and your son, but that's not what's driving him.  He is driven by alcohol.    Don't put ultimatums on him either, b/c they don't work.  You need to take care of yourself first.  If he can get help that's great.  But don't beat yourself up about this.  Continue to write and let us know how you're doing.

[babypooh]

Thanks to everyone for your comments.  To answer your question, yes, I am financially dependent on him, but that's not what would stop me from asking him to leave.  I have my parents that I know would help me; I don't work.  I stopped working a year ago due to a back and neck injury I have.  
Update: He came back from the "bank" already acting funny and he went to the backyard to cut his own hair.  He didn't even finish, came inside and started telling my son that he was going to take him to a barber shop to get a hair cut.  I told him that he wasn't taking him anywhere and wouldn't dare bathe my niece like I wanted to for fear that he would just leave with my son while I was bathing my niece.  I guess we're not going grocery shopping, again...  He also told me that I should get a boyfriend so I won't keep complaining about the man that I have, meaning him... I got upset and I told him that I don't need a boyfriend because I have a husband, but he needs to be a man and take care of his family.

[jml1986]

As long as you do what you think is best, that is all you can do. I stayed with my husband when according to others I should leave. I had to reach that point on my own, and when I did there was no turning back. I left and we were separated for 8 years. We did get back together and he has been sober for 5 years, but that was after 15 years of marriage. I also know my case is not the norm, most marriages do fall apart when there is an alcoholic in it. So, hang in there and keep us posted.

[ibizan]

dear...either he leaves the house or u should go to ur parents.....this BS is enough....and u hafta put u and ur child first!

[babypooh]

I agree with everyone. It's just so hard to go through with something because not only will I miss him, but my son will go crazy! It's sooo hard...I guess i still have hope that he will stop if I grow distant and a bit indifferent with him without him having to leave.  He's gone 4 months without drinking before...couldn't he do it again?   I can't believe myself and what I'm typing.  I know, I know, I know...I need help...

[TJack]

You said you live with your parents.  I am surprised they put up with your husband.
Tell him to get out and when he gets himself sober permanently to come see ya.  Tough love is what it is going to take.  Recommend AA>counseling or whatever he has to do.  There is a drug called Campral.  I am on it and it definitely takes the cravings away for the alcohol.  I sitll do AA and therapy.  
If he loves you and your son he will get it together and be back.  Take care. TJ

[babypooh]

My parents want what's best for me, but they don't want us to get a divorce either.  They want him to find a way to help himself so that we can stay together.  They don't believe in "throwing away" a marriage for something that can be fixed.  There was one time about a year go that I kicked my husband out of the house (only four days because I gave in) and my mom got upset with me for not taking another approach.  She wants us to work it out, but she doesn't hear all the things he tells me.

Update: My husband woke up around 9 p.m. after a 6 hour nap and I told him that we needed to go to the groceries if he was sober now.  Well, he got upset that I was trying to tell him to get up from the bed and said that we weren't going to the groceries.  We didn't go. I made a mistake too and I couldn't help it because I was really hurt and upset at everything he was telling me.  When his mom called him I told her that I would check if he was available because he was drunk.  He got really  mad at me and I asked," Did I lie?  Why are you mad?  If you don't want to be talked about, don't do what you do." I regreted saying it because I know it doesn't help, but he stresses me out and he never wants to talk about it.  Then he told me to leave him alone and not talk to him for the next two days.  I told him that I try to talk about things so that we can work it out because I love him and he doesn't help me.

[ibizan]

"I have the hope that he will stop".....clinging to this hope and not the reality of the abuse u r enduring and putting ur son thru at the present will only prolong ur sufferring.I have been sober/clean 24 years.I had to ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY for my disease and  get sober.No one held my hand!!!Day job is alcohol/drug abuse counselor for 23 years now.I see many waiting...hoping...for their loved one to stop....i've seen some stop but many keep waiting....and hoping.....and so much damage is done to the children who themselves grow up to have problems that include their own alcohol/drug abuse.Talking nice to this guy and waiting for him to wake up doesn't seem like its gonna cut it right now.....yes it is too bad that he is ruining ur marriage but u r allowing a this insanity to continue and it will have a far reaching impact on ur son in time to come if u do not take charge of ur life.The choices are all yours!In 1985 my adult clients would bring their 2 and 3 year old kids with them to sessions.Now today i am seeing these kids who are now in their 20's walking thru the doors with alcohol/drug problems of their own.Children do suffer the sins of their fathers......and mothers!

[babypooh]

What would be the proper way to react then if after he drinks and sobers up he doesn't even want to talk about it? That's when I get mad and react with rude comments like "You're lucky that I even care enough to want to talk about it and you don't," or refuse to make him dinner and stuff like that.  What can I say?????? Do I make it worse by reacting that way?

[Jacker]

I think you make it worse if your threats are empty.  At some point, he needs to know there are family consequences for what he is doing. I'm not saying to divorce him, and I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, but he has to at least admit he has a problem.  If he can keep coming home every day (drunk) without any real consequnces (other than you being angry), then you end up enabllig him to continue as a drunk.  
Since he lives with your family, if your family is also "looking the other way" then they are enabling him as well.  
Can you come up with some family support for an intervension?  It would be helpful if they could back you up on this.  Come at him with a united front.  
I agree that you dont' want to throw away a marriage lightly, but if will not admit he has an issue then you have to do something - something to either shake him up or something to protect your son.  
If he absolutely refuses to change, then there may be no other way.  Sorry that you have to deal with all of this.  

[ibizan]

its hard/impossible to discuss things with one who doesn't want to!i hope u make appt. with a good substance abuse counselor asap....and start taking care of urself and ur child!u r really in  a no win situation....and if he'd sit still in a intervention no guarantee he'd seek help! i think u need to move forward with ur life and ur sons'.....and if he wants to join u he will seek help and get sober!u need to take a firm stand on this!

[babypooh]

You have no idea how much you all help me with your advice/comments.  I know your're right. I feel sad to realize it, but he's not ready to change. I talked to him this morning and he said he doesn't have time to look for help, he told me to do it.  I told him no, that he needs to get help if he really wants to.  I told him to go to the doctor and ask about Campral or other pills to help with the urges.  He said he'll see if he has time.  This just makes me sadly realize that he's not quite ready to change.  My mom has talked to him in the past and told him that he needs to think about his family, but it obviously didn't work because he didn't stop when she talked to him.  I know what to do, but I don't know what to do, does that make sense?

[ibizan]

i am so sorry u hafta go thru this..i watch alcoholics/addicts put their loved ones thru hell on a daily hourly basis.....and it is TIME for u to stop putting up with his denial and do what u must....u must do what u need 2 do.....do what is necessary for ur sanity and a healthier atmsophere for ur child!

[fishmeal]

I'm one of the guys who was your type of husband.  I'm sorry.  I will say, (and I don't know if it's been mentioned above), THAT YOU REALLY REALLY NEED TO LOOK UP AND ALANON MEETING AND GO TO ONE.  Please do that for you, your husband and your son.  Keep in mind that meetings usually vary widely from different places so try a few different ones and find one that you feel comfortable and find friends... people will reach out to you and help.

[Tink70]

You are codependant.  Look this up.  Research it... Read about it....You are IT!  You are enabling his behaviour and he is enabling yours.  Until he gets help your relationship is doomed.  Your son's emotional health will go straight down the toilet and the chances of him becoming just like his Dad is very high.  
Sound harsh?  Well, welcome to reality.  I'm just not one of those people to "baby" you and pat your dang hand.  Leave him!  Notice I didn't say "divorce" him.  I said "leave him".  Until he decides to get help.  You can't do it for him so stop thinkin' ya' can.  And stop runnin' in this vicious circle!  And your parents?  Well, heck - where do you think you learned your sick behaviour from????  A good look/psycho analysis of their relationship will give you a lot of clues into yours (doesn't matter whether there is alcohol abuse in their relationship or not).  Look it up - read about it - you fit the bill.  
It isn't easy.  I know.  I'm codependent, too!  I'm also a recovering alcoholic, Bi Polar, diabetic!  My husband was YOU!  Yep, the shoe fits either sex.
Hope all goes well!

[Suzyq0826]

I am sorry to hear about your situation, but I have to say that you need to stand your ground and draw some boundaries. I know it's easier said than done, but you are codependant and enabling him to make no changes in his life or behavior.

My husband is also an alcoholic, but we have no small children at home and he functions very well, it doesn't affect his job and he can't drink and drive because he has an interlock/breathalizer in his car after two DUIs. When he's in town he comes home from the office and starts drinking.

And if you stop and think about, are you really happy...or are you afraid to make the changes you need to so that you and your son can have a better life? What I am sure you don't want is for your son to grow up and be just like his father, which is what will happen if that is his environment long enough. Children learn from what they see. I know the idea of separating from him until he gets help is frightening, especially if your parents will not be supportive. Get out and find and al-anon group and take charge of your life.
I really wish you the best.

[ibizan]

I get a kick out of men who post who got sober.. and thank God u did...but who tell a woman to hang in there...stand by ur man support him....for what?for more hell,verbal abuse and more damage to the child?If she leaves and gets some sanity and provides a healthier atmosphere for herself and the child..if this man truly wants to get sober he will for himself and the family.Women have bore the brunt for too long of putting up with alcoholic/addicts BS wishing and hoping for man to get sober and no one wants to dissolve a family...but the long run effects on her and child remaining in this are deleterious.She needs to create a healthier lifestyle for her and her son..and at present looks like it will have to be minus him!

[babypooh]

Thanks everyone, once again, for all your help.  It is hard to make a big change.  Especially because even though I know it'd be better for our son, it's hard to make a change that I know will hurt him a lot emotionally right now; my son loves his father like you wouldn't believe. I know this sounds dumb, but I talked to my husband and he knows he has a problem.  He said he'd agree to go to the doctor and seek help. He works two jobs, but he said he'd figure out how to make it work.  I know it's a longshot, but I do hope he does it. I know, I know, here we go again, right?  Around the endless viscious circle... It's hard, it's so hard.  But everyone here helps me a lot too and gives me more strength than you know.  I know what I have to do, but I have to see first that he breaks his promise to go to the doctor and get help.  Then I'll know I did everything I could do for him. If that happens and I leave him, I'll have to be strong and stick with it for a good few months at least. And when that happens, you'll be hearing a lot from me to try to get strength so I won't give in and let him come back... Thanks again for everything.

[ibizan]

I sincerely hope this man follows thru on his promise to get help...if he renigs then u know u tried all u can and u must follow thru with ur promise to urself and ur son to live a healthier life minus his chaos.i know ur son loves his father.....his father must begin to love himself to get sober to be a better man and a better father and husband!ur both in my prayers!