I posted here once already, about my husband and was grateful for the support. No one told me to leave him, or acted as if I was enabling him by not doing so. I love my husband very much, and I have seen alot of growth from him. He stopped smoking bud, he is learning to control his anger, and he started to try hard to treat me better. My husband has made some great efforts in our eight years together to better our lives. Still he has been through alot as well.
When he stopped smoking, he started drinking more. He doesn't think its an issue, a few after work he calls it. A few as I said in my past post is 7-8. My husband also, doesn't realize that most of the time he starts to become depressed when he drinks. The depression stems from anger at his mom and dad for never being able to show they love him or that they are proud of him. Also, from guilt for how he has treated me over the years. And From heartbreaks of past relationships. And from grief over his grandma's and grandfather's deaths.
So, this I said in my past post, and at that time I wasn't sure he really had a problem with drinking more then depression. But now I see the signs that he does. On Monday he went to work hungover and told me it took awhile for him to shake off. He has borrowed money just to buy beer, and has lied about what the money went towards. He gets upset when I ask him to just slow down becuase I am worred about him. My mom drank alot and was a true alcholic. She would hide bottles around our house just to be able to drink. I don't want this for him.
Right now, he has a chance to change the path he is headed down. So what I need is to hear what has helped others to get sober. What has family done to help your eyes or your loved ones eyes to be opened to their problem?
I want to know what truly works, especially since my husband isn't seeing the issue. Thanks for your time, and responses. May God be with you all,
No one in my family opened my eyes to my disease....i just got sick n'tired of being sick n'tired!tired of the blackouts,tired of "switching seats on titanic"-which means tell self drinking too much, so i go to bud aka pot,ok 2 much bud,go to Valium,ok 2 much of that....and u know the rest of the story!i talked to my brother who URGED me to run not walk to treatment...i did 25 days inpatient in 1983,,,went to TONS of AA and NA,surrounded self w/sober/clean folks,no bars,switched friends,no alcohol/drugs in house.And today one day at a time....sometimes its been one hour at a time... 29 years have passed and i'm still trucking along!
Nothing anyone could say or do, family members, employers or law enforcement, could convince me that I had a drinking problem as long as I thought "I had control over alcohol". I first had to first admit complete defeat. "I" had to admit. It was a personal thing that no one else on the planet earth could do FOR me. I started getting drunk at age 13. Admitting powerlessness to myself, that my old buddy alcohol was killing me, was a hard truth to swallow. My drinking had become a "fatal progression" as we say in AA. The disease of alcoholism is insidious. When I was not falling down drunk all I could think about was how much fun I once had drinking with (or without) my friends. And I kept drinking to chase that fun, thinking it's all still out there. I just needed to find the perfect drink or the right bar. But I kept sinking deeper into the bog of alcoholism. So, to make a long story short: The drug Alcohol itself is AA's (and recovery's) best advocate. "Under the lash of alcoholism" as we say in AA, the drug ALCOHOL brought me to my first meeting get help, not anything anyone could do or say. And once to the meetings, I quickly became open-minded and more than willing to listen as only the dying could be.
That is amazing and I am so l happy for you. My husband tends to get tired of one thing and move to the next too. But about 6 years back he turned away from cocanine completely. The only things he switches between now is pot, and beer. He has been able to keep his drinking at a steady 7-8 beers a night, and truly that seems to be all he wants. So, he doesn't see it as an issue he recently told me that he will always need one or the other.
I honestly believe he doesn't see the issue with this. The smoking I never want him to go back to. It was truly the ruler of his life. We spent late nights looking for it. We would have to get loans for it. And when he didn't have it he was a very mean person. I never want him going back to that.
The drinking on the other hand, does have as many issues. Which maybe why he doesn't see the problem with it. We do spend a good amount on it since he needs a 24 pack every 3-4 days. But it doesn't consume our lives, and at the moment he controls his temper. Plus he still spends time with his family. Still I worry. I only hope someone has a bit of advice.
If Your Husband "isn't seeing the issue", there is nothing You can do or say. ONE big problem with alcoholism is the alcoholic's denial that there is a problem.
The ONLY thing You can do is help YourSelf. You should attend Al-Anon and/or Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. My Mother also was an alcoholic - full blown and as bad as it gets!! - for 47 of Her 67 years - for 50 of Her 52 year Marriage, for ALL of Her Children's development years, and long after We Each left home. My Mother physically and mentally abused me all my life. She was not physical or mental toward my 2 brothers but non-the-less, They suffered great emotional pain. Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings gave me peace that I never would have believed I could achieve. Today, my heart is heavy for my Mother rather than for myself - She never found peace.
Children of Alcoholics often marry Alcoholics. There's a reason: We already know how to live with the chaos and turmoil.
Good Luck. I Hope You and Your Husband Find Your Way.
Thanks for the advice. You know when I realized how bad off my mom was when I was younger, I started making her regret she ever drank. I would catch her during her worse hangovers when I knew she couldn't and didn't want to do anything but stay in bed.
Then I would take eggs to up her room, and turn the tv up loud, and jump on her bed. I would do this til she was sick, and she wanted it to stop. Soon, it made her realize how bad off she was. She in return told my dad to choose between the beer and us. They both stopped drinking and didn't turn back.
I just can't figure out how to make my husband see how drinking is a posion that takes over you. I only can pray that the hangovers at work, and not being able to be happy without it will make him see.
Great post and excellent point! I went to Al-anon to take the focus off of my daughter's addiction and put the focus on getting myself better. My AA sponsor suggested, in the name of my sobriety, that I go. I liked the meetings so much I still go after 14 years. I used to wake up in the morning and my daughters life flashed before my eyes, not mine. Somewhere I completely lost MY life and became obsessed with her addiction. Obsessing over it did no good what-so-ever. An exercise in futility to say the least. I had to let her paddle her own Canoe. She finally got clean on her own accord and now has 9 years clean. She presented us with our granddaughter (the new princess lol) who just turned 3 on Saturday.
Thanx for Your Personal comment to me.
I admire Any/Every One Who is in recovery and I congratulate You and Your Daughter!!
I don't attend ACoA meetings any more but I did attend for a long time and recommend it to anyone who grew up in an alcoholic home. Those of us who don't drink need "recovery" also. It's So Sad that Anyone has this disease but Everyone needs to recognize - it's also the Family's disease. Our Own thinking becomes warped. My Mother dis-liked me so much that I was convinced that the drinking was my fault - that Her hate for me is what drove Her to drink. I was a very little Girl when I came to think this way - I was so young that it didn't occur to me that something was wrong with Her and I grew up believing that not only was I unloved but there was "something" about ME that made me unloveable. I was very anguished for a very long time. I was 38 years old when I discovered ACoA and it eventually gave me Huge Peace - I also came to have Deep Compassion for my Mother and Her demon(s).
Congratulations on Your New Little Princess. Enjoy Her, As I Know You Will!
For me I took it as far as anyone could dare go, on 3-23-10 I was diagnosed with the final stage of cirrhosis. I was 38 at the time. I drank for 20+ years and the last couple of years I was drinking as much as 23 beers a day. At the time of my diagnosis it was the scared look on my wife’s face, the tears on the way home and knowing I let her down. This was something I could not undo. When you are diagnosed with end stage cirrhosis it's not like you get a pamphlet telling you everything you need to know, when you leave the doctor’s office you think like everyone else does, this is going to be it for me.
By the time we got home I knew I had to quit or my disease would advance very rapidly, this was a very small opportunity for me to make a change an hope for a miracle. It's been almost three years, I read daily about my disease learning everything I can. I feel like a miracle is what I got, another chance at life with the opportunity to see how wonderful life can be through sober eyes. I used to think my life was great but I never knew what I was missing.
I don't expect my story can help you much with your situation other than anything is possible and not to give up hope. I think you are very smart to request that other share their experiences in an effort to help your own situation. I hope more people will post and you will find the happiness and life with your husband the way you deserve. I wish you the best.
God truly seems to have you. My uncle had cirrhosis due to heroine. Be grateful for your second chance. My uncle wasn't he still took methadone and never did get past his addiction. This lead to a sad ending for him.
Still, even your story helps me in some ways. Knowing that your love for your wife and for life is what made you finally come to the realization that things had to change. This shows me, that just maybe one day my husbands love for me and for our life that we are building together can get him to want to change.
All these stories prove to me that it takes rock bottom for most to realize it is time to change. That's sad but maybe just maybe I can open my husbands eyes with the help of his family, and mine.
His attitude is already improving because we are beginning to get on our feet. Our finicial issues are coming to a halt, and he got new shoes. I know that seems like a little thing but my husband kept saying he felt like a bum. We couldn't afford new shoes, clothes, and at times even a haircut was hard to pay for. So, he felt like a bum, this made him feel less confident which fed his depression and I believe his need for a substances.
So, he has new shoes now, and soon a haircut and a few new clothes. This will help him feel brand new, and I pray act brand new. I love him and I will do all it takes to help him realize it is time to put the drugs and acholol behind him, and start looking forward to a brighter future.
May God bless you Randy and your wife. Remember cherish her and show your love for her everyday. She was a strong woman and stil is. I feel sometimes the hardest thing to do is stick by a lived one when they are ill. My husband has done it for me for 6 years. I am grateful for this everyday and will continue to stick by him as well. When I said my vows I meant every word. I bet your wife feels the same. Once again may God be with ya,
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