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What if I'm not doing this "for me"?

You know how everyone says/believes that you have to stop "for you"?  As in, I have to want to stop; I can't do it just for my boyfriend or just for my future (which I don't give a crap about lol) or for my family.  "You have to want to stop for yourself."

The thing is, I don't  I was a daily drinker, vodka upon vodka-- it was the only way to get me through my depression and to make me forget about how much I dislike my body and appearance.  I could just chill and do nothing and goof on tv shows while my boyfriend was at work.

But then my blood pressure went way up so I stopped for a few days-- and, of course, had a seizure 2 days ago. This was after 3 days of not drinking.  I've had seizures before, unrelated to alcohol, but this one was def. withdrawal.  So yesterday, I clung to my bf in bed, crying and thanking him for saving me and promising I'd never drink again.

Cut to: this morning.  BF's at work, I'm here alone... it's SO ingrained.  So yes I walked to the store and got a teensy bottle.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  If I ever do manage to quit, it's not because I want to- it's because I don't want to hurt the people around me by scaring them with seizures and crap.  If it were up to me, I'd drink forever.  In a cave somewhere.  Possibly alone.

I started because I was socially anxious and now, WOO HOO, I get that feeling back again!  I've been in therapy for 9 years (I'm 26) and I just loathe it.

How do I fall out of love with liquor?  How do I get myself to want to stop, for me?  Even a seizure didn't cut the honeymoon short!
Best Answer
1810386 tn?1405549577
Hi and Welcome,

There are many parts to addiction, the hardest part (i'm still struggling with) is in the first stage realising what you addiction is doing to yourself, your family, loved ones and friends. This can be quite scary.

I can so understand where your coming from with your social anxiety, it can really keep us caged in and I too have used drugs and booze (and unfort relapsed recently) to cover the anxiety, however it is not dealing with the root problem. If Therapy is not working out maybe try something else (talk with your doctor or Therapist), self medicating with Vodka is not really an option (short term solution with long term problems).

I'm need to keep on the clean and sober path for a few reason, my work has drug tests so if I test positive I may well loose my job (despite me progressing well), doing it for my health, doing it for my partner so I can be more than a blob and actual do stuff around the house and be happier.

Good luck with your ending booze, it's not easy, but it is if you have goals and there is a want to stop it. Keep trying day by day and don't be put of by little set backs.

Keep us updated.

XX
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Avatar universal
Thank you. I'm tearing up.  I'tso sorry about your medical problems and your words were very powerful.  Sort of like what I needed to hear.  Straight tralk from someone who knows.  Thank you.  I actually had a very nice sober night last night, for the first time in so long.  Just being with friends made me feel better and even though I was sober I felt more present.  I still had the urge to drink (they were kind enough to pour their beer into coffee mugs "secretly" in the kitchen so as not to tempt me) and I guess that made me realize that they must really love me and maybe, like you said, I should learn to get pleasure from this.

Also Im losing weight so that's another plus. lol!
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
athttp://www.medhelp.org/posts/Alcoholism/How-do-we-know-when-the-end-is-near/show/1546775#post_7119051

I have a post for you to read, should you choose to, about what happens if you do get cirrhosis as a result of your alcoholism. Tinker35 has posted again, two below you, if you wish to follow the course further.

I wish you the very best, no matter what you decide to do. May God Be With You!!!
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
* I honestly think the question you should be asking yourself is "Am I old enough now to concentrate my efforts in controlling my depression without a crutch?"
Am I old enough to take full responsibility for my mental and physical well being. A lot of drug and alcohol abuses stay stunted and narcissistic.

You're alcoholism will continue to control you in ways, that you don't even want to know exist. Trust me.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
I think that you have to be really honest with yourself, look at all the pros and cons in your life.  What are you missing by using alcohol?You're having seizures from withdrawal, it's too expensive an indulgence, adding to epilepsy, what? liver disease? like me? I think that you may be relatively young right now. Why quit doing something that you think that you a loving, when so many have left it until much later in life to quit?  Can't you just play for a few more years? Well. Not everybody has to wait for such a distressing end as liver disease. I get to look forward to dying in my 50's because there was not the same kind of treatment out there as there is now. People are far more likely to out themselves at an earlier age, because rehab technology is now state of the art. They used to put us in the psych ward not too long ago, and hook us up on electrodes and give us shock therapy. That's not the way it is today, I've been to many treatment centers. No, if you're not ready it might not stop you for self harming, which is what you've been doing. It will, however, be there to support your dual diagnosis. You could go to outpatient therapy and receive rehab support. So, why now? Why spend your summer months dealing with this in rehab. Because it will help to build a foundation, and if you're really lucky you might be able to choose LIFE instead of this fantasy world that you are creating for yourself. YOU are missing a lot in your life, if you cannot enjoy the love of your family, and friends without having to anethtisize yourself just go get by a couple of hours on this magnificent planet. Please don't escape reality, because reality is best served cold, you won't have to add anything to it if you quit your drugs of choice. You'll wake up and be damn glad that you made the choice as early as you could, and you will be hero of many, including family, for doing so. But, it is secondary to please anyone from yourself. It is a feeling of pride, that you may not really have been able to grasp yet. That, in itself  may be your biggest roadblock, a feeling that you have forgotten, that alcohol has robbed you of.

Please think long and hard about the possibilities in life that people talk about, that you are not receiving right now, and may not recognize.

I sure wish I had of hit my bottom early and given into any thoughts that I may have had considering a clean and sober lifestyle. The simple exercise that I could enjoy instead of spending my life procrastinating.  The buzz of hiking up mountain trails, with others, and making my lifestyle anything that I wanted it to be. Whatever it was the younger you are to give it up, the more likely you will be able to achieve your dreams.

My wish for you dear? Please, start dreaming........
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
Key word noted is WANT....u have to really WANT to get sober/clean and really WANT to do the emotional cognitive and mental work it takes to stay that way!I've done it for 28 years now....one hour atta time....one day atta time!
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Avatar universal
Oh, I also meant to mention--

I'm totally new to this community but I've read so many of the posts and you guys seem like a totally wonderful group of people.  I'd love your input and hopefully I can give you some of mine :)

-M. age 26
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It's possible to quit for other people too.  I hear moms say they quit for their kids all the time.  And trust me people who quit still want the escape alcohol/ drugs gave them.  They just want sobriety and a healthy life more. You can't sit around and watch tv and wait for your boyfriend to come home from work.  The free time will kill you. Look up the # to your local AA and go to a meeting.  You'll find people to support you there.  Good luck! Once your sober you can start enjoying life again.
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