What to do with wifes drinking

[50hubby]

I’m a 50 year old married man. I’ve been married for 3 years and we’ve been together for over 7 years. My wife drinks wine, I don’t drink at all (never). When we met her drinking was a bottle limited to a bottle of wine a day 3-5 days a week since then and most recently its 2+ bottles a day. When she drinks and after she hits the 1 bottle threshold she gets into the place where she belligerent, lies to me and does anything she wants. Now I’m under no delusions that she’s an alcoholic. But like most she will not admit it. Over the last few months she has been going to a neighbor’s house and drinking with them. She comes home late usually after I’ve called her and a few times. A few times I’d have to go and get her and bring her home. She comes up with excuses to leave the house and sure enough she ends up there. We’ve talked about this several times and it subsides for a bit then the cycle resumes. I have to admit when I sit home and she’s gone and I know she’s there it festers within me and I get angry. It never manifests to physical contact I just wait it out to the next morning and talk it out with her. But over the last few months it’s changed, the neighbor’s girlfriend has moved out just leaving him and my wife continues to stop by and drink. Over the last 3 months she failed to come home 8 times, what she says is that she fell asleep on the couch. I’m not buying that. Recently the neighbor has had health issues and she has been going up and checking on him. It’s gone far beyond helping a friend. Now it’s “I have to stay with him to take care of him” Now it coincides with when she is drinking she feels the need to go there. All this as you would imagine has strained our marriage. My thoughts are my wife is in some sort of a affair with this man whether it’s sexual or not she is taking care of another man and at the expense of our marriage. We’ve talked, and talked and she is sorry when this happens but the drinking always triggers these episodes. This week I finally had it. She slept over again and when she came home I told her this has to stop or I’m leaving, her reply was “he’s my friend”. Not what I wanted to hear. I thought if I left and the threat of leaving her would shock her into getting help. It didn’t work. Now I I’m staying at a family members home but I want to get my wife back I love her so much. What do I do?

[ibizan]

Tink has said it well and lived what your living!I hope you heed hers..and the other good advice u've received here!

[CML2014]

So sorry to hear this about your mother, TKB. What you, your dad ,and  your brothers and sisters went thru is exactly what happens--the alcoholic takes all the lives of those who love them with them in their downward spiral.

Very sorry alcoholism touched your family this profoundly! You know what you are talking about. Your story may help spare others, (50hubby),  from the same feeling of helplessness.

Sincerely,
CML
  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I so agree with CML2014 that Your Wife "has to be ready to get sober for Her own Self".  Absolutely!! CML2014 is right about that!!  Just because You give Her an ultimatum is no guarantee that She will get sober.

When I suggest You give Her an ultimatum, I mean to say You would be making the statement to Her that YOU are not going to live this way anymore.  If You go there, You must be prepared that She still may not get sober
But bottom line is You DO have the choice of whether or not You are going to live with an alcoholic.

She can choose to drink, or not - You can choose to live with it, or not.

All that being said, I totally relate to Your pain.  My Mother was an alcoholic Her entire life and deeply hurt us all (my Father, 2 Brothers and myself)  My Father stayed with Her for the 52 years it took for Her to kill HerSelf.  The anguish and despair was beyond words.

You will not change the choices Your Wife makes; You can only change what YOU will tolerate.

Regards and GoodLuck

[CML2014]

Hi 50,

TKBell said it all in the first two paragraphs of their post. Can't improve on that line of thinking. It sure is some good advice.

Relationships/ Marriages are hard enough.  It is a give and take effort on BOTH partners to make it a happy union. When love is involved it is never simple. Yes,you should be able to give her an ultimatum and it would seem she should be reasonable, if she loves you, enough to comply. BBEEEEP! wrong answer--unless she is ready to get sober for her own Self, it just may not be that easy. Alcoholics cannot get sober for another person. It takes soooo much will on the alcoholics part not to touch that bottle...well they have got to want it for themselves first and foremost. Love should be the  best reason to will yourself sober, but sometimes they are just not ready.

Obviously she would rather be around someone who is accepting of her alcohol abuse--the neighbor enables her alcoholism. You on the other hand are a reminder of how offensive you find her behavior, and she is still in her defensive mode. No harm in trying the ultimatum, just know she may love you but her affair with alcohol is an addiction--in a way she just may love IT more.

Like TKBell , I too am sorry to hear you have to go through this. That is why the alcoholic never just hurts themselves but so many others by this addiction.

Good Luck and keep u posted,
CML  

[TTinKKerBBell]

What You really have to decide is if You want to be married to a practicing alcoholic
OR
do You want to be married to an alcoholic who is in recovery?

I would give Her an ultimatum.  I would tell Her I won't be back until if and when She becomes committed to being sober.  Anything less than giving Her an ultimatum is called "enabling".  I would offer to participate every step of the way, but I would insist that She get sober and quit drinking.

When someone is addicted to drugs (alcohol IS a drug) - the drug becomes the priority (as evidenced by what Your Wife is doing with the neighbor).  Also, alcoholism is progressive -  "now it's 2+ bottles of wine a day" instead of 'just' one.  Tolerance always increases with continued use.  Is She drinking 2+ bottles of wine AND what She drinks at the neighbors' also?  That's a LOT of alcohol.  I don't know if Your Wife is having an affair but I do see that She has found a way, or an excuse,   to drink more than You probably realize.

I'm SO sorry You have this issue with SomeOne You love.