facing the past

[sograteful828]

well, today is going to be a little anxious for me. i have to meet with an attorney regarding my court case. even though i know my future i believe is in God's capable hands, its still so hard for me to face the past, all the pain and chaos i caused due to my drinking. i did not get a DUI, but because of my behavior my husband was charged with misdemeanor battery (not against me or baby) and i was charged with misdemeanor child endangerment due to the fact i had one of my RX pills in my car and not in the properly labeled bottle.  Point is, i was running around lying, had my husband scared to death...put my family through so much.  i was so out of control, i was not under the influence at the time, but i sure had been days prior, and it stays with you, the screwed up thinking...etc...it doesn't just go away overnight/ o kept running my mouth until the cops finally got so angry they charged me with whatever they could. looking back, i feel so  bad as to how i treated them, they were doing thie job.

just had to get this out so i dont let it wear me down, i need to work harder on my sobriety today, i will be doing service work as well to give back. i have so much remorse for what i have done, and the last attorney i spoke to used scare tactics on us and almost sent me into a tailspin. i am hoping and paying for guidance today, i was referred to him by a friend in AA, i am ready to get this over with and behind me, but i am still in fear due to the last attorney...i know its silly, but its my alcoholic mind...it doesn't function quite right.  

thanks for listening, just need some support today...thanks guys

[dominosarah]

Take a couple deep breaths and try and relax.  I know this is wearing on you but you are sober now, going to meetings and taking care of you.  Be totally honest with the attorney. The past is the past.  There is nothing you can do about what has happened.  The only thing you can control is what happens now.  Digging up the past is hard and painful but needs to be done.  It is hard to look at the interferences we have caused to others but it is so necessary in our recovery.  Dont dwell on the past.  Deal with it, feel the emotions and learn the tools to make the right choices for the present.  We have all done things we are not proud of.  Turn the negatives into positives.  You are making such good progress and you arent the person you were when you got picked up.  You will get thru this.  Keep moving forward.  I am proud of you and what you are achieving here.  Be proud of yourself!!!          sara

[sograteful828]

thanks so much. it haunts me that they would charge me with endangering my child, reading that paperwork is what caused me to slit my wrist the next day. i love my baby more than anything, when i called this attorney last week he says, you know they might take her from you, first of all, dcfs never contacted me, its been 2 months since the incident. #2, i have NEVER been in trouble with the law before and last i am rx'd these pills, they were just not in the proper container...but in no way did i endanger her, just breaks my heart. i have lost faith in the legal system due to a prior situation that occured in my family, so i never hesitate to think "what if"  and you know how we think, one problem and we make it out to be a mountain. like my sponsor says, i am worrying about nothing, but the thought Sara, just the thought i cant handle it....you know being a mother what i am saying. in my worst times of drinking i Never drove with my baby, and my husband was home to take care of her, but not all the time. i did endanger her back then, what if she had to go to the hospital...etc....i was not a perfect mother, thats for sure, but in this circumstance they are wrong, and you are right, i am moving forward, and i am always doing the next right thing, but its that "what if" that needs to take a flying leap out of my head!!!!!!

as far as turning it into a positive, boy, you are right, if this situation didnt happen, i would have never ended up in rehab the next day at the time i needed to accept my problem. Now, i am a sober mommy, and she will hopefully never be raised around alcohol like my husband and i were, maybe we can break the cycle.

sorry to ramble, but mother to mother, this is eating me inside...

[ibizan]

well u reallize u squeezed the toothpaste outta the tube.....and will take responsibility....9 times outta 10 the things we fear work out better than what we feared the outcome would be!

[sograteful828]

well said, you are right.  i need to pull my head gotta my rear, and start working my program today like i have in the past...needed you guys to give me a swift kick..thanks..i know, this too shall pass and wherever my path leades me is where i am supposed to be!

[dominosarah]

Here is the swift kick!!!!

Fear of the unknown is the hardest.  Our brains have to fill in the empty spots and usually it goes towards the worst case scenario.  Be totally honest with the lawyer.  I would think since you have had no priors you should be okay.  Take those deep cleansing breaths......they really do help.  

And here is another swift kick!!!  Head held high girl.....you will get thru this.       sara

[ibizan]

i think ur head is square on ur shoulders.....and u r taking responsibility for what u've done......acronym for FEAR...False Evidence Appears Real!my swift gentle nudge to u is in my fav sheepskin slippers!:)ooh that feels good!LOL!

[dominosarah]

Oh sure ibizan gives you a gentle nudge with sheepskin slippers on!!! LOL

[ibizan]

they are Uggs slides..got 2 pair in chocolate and tan so comfy...firm but soft and loving.....i have been described that way by some!:)

[dominosarah]

Oh i love my Uggs........Mine are soft and comfy too but i havent really been described as that!!  I am more like an iron marshmallow......hard on the outside but soft on the inside!!!!

[sograteful828]

LOL... you guys make me laugh, well, as expected it turned out to be fine. no worries. i made it all out to be much more in my head. I was given this referal by friends in AA, they just happened to be off work that day and at a meeting, funny how those things happen.....anyway, all went well thanks for the support and the swift kicks....lol..i got my baby a pair of ugg boots, they are so freakin cute!!!!!!

[dominosarah]

Oh that is good news!!!!   See how much better things are when we are sober!!!  Oh those baby Uggs are way to cute!!!!   Keep working your program!!!  Hugs to you and baby.........sara

[ibizan]

See?told ya so..our these brains of ours..i do that too...worry about negative outcome and most of time turns out ok.....i am always doing cognitive restructuring with this worrisome brain of mine as well!also dig minnetonka sheepskin boots!so soft and comfy!

[dominosarah]

Going thru brain cancer with my dad i learned so many amazing things about the brain and how it works.....not real sure what this had to do with the original post either!!!  Sometimes my brain is scary!!!  LOL