hi everyone...bad news

well i havent been on for a week or so, and am sorry to report i did in fact relapse on Tuesday. had alot going on in my life, i chose to drink to cope with the stress, and you know the rest. just wanted to be honest with you all and myself, starting over now, and can use more support than ever now. thanks for listening...

[dominosarah]

I am glad you were honest about this.  My question is what are you going to do differently this time?  There will always be stress in our lives and we need to find the healthy outlets to help.  Dont be hard on yourself, the important thing is you are starting over.  I was on a continous relapse for 30 plus years until i decided it was time to do something different.  We will always be here to support you and i am glad you are back.....Aftercare is very very VERY important.  When you are struggling get your little behind on here and talk to us...........sara

[sograteful828]

well, first of all i cannot let my husband run my program, he was getting involved way more than he should have, or should i say i let him. we have some unfortunate issues like many couples, but thankfully my sponsor is so helpful with my problems. he forbid me to attend my home meetings, and i allowed him to control that, not that i wanted to, but it kept the peace....there are many deeper issues obviously, but the fact of the matter is no one will tell me from here what meetings to attend or not to attend, period. aftercare for me is  MUST...i cannot do this alone. i started isolating, even from here...its kinda hard too seeing as thought we are almost 100 % sure i am pregnant, which i am thrilled about, but i never should have drank while pobbilbly pregnant, that made it more shamefu. i did speak to my Dr, and i did only drink a very small amount, but in my eyes it is a relapse since i used the alcohol to cope, as a crutch just like my old behaviors. so, i need to start journaling more, more meetings, i go to at least 1 every day, and reaching out more.

i think i got a little to much HALT going on too, between the hormones, fighting the flu, fighting the husband...ugh..everything crept up at once and i chose the wrong way to cope.....thanks Sara

[dominosarah]

I am so happy to hear that YOU are taking the control back in what you need to stay sober......AND CONGRATS on the almost sure pregnancy!!!!  Remember to take baby steps so you dont get overwhelmed okay??  So glad you are back!!!!   hugs to you     sara

[ibizan]

we have missed u dear...ur honesty and taking responsibility for ur actions shows a good program being worked...u got derailed......so pick up ur caboose and get it back on track like it sounds u r......better self care yes and the HALT is so necessary for sanity.......when will u know u r pg for sure?

[sograteful828]

thanks, i will find out next week...i am almost positive, but its too early to show up on at home test and when i talked with my dr we agreed we would wait it out, like you guys said baby steps.  

yes it is an awkward situation, one that i brought up at my meetings and no one really knew what to do...we do know this, people tend to get jealous, angry, etc when they see you change...but its confusing cuz hes the one that put me in the hospital???   also, i must be honest and mention, he is still using....not drinking, abusing his meds..i know he is, my sponsor does to, so therefore he is putting his guilt on me.

i guess i had been accused so much i decided what the heck...i know, wrong answer, but like my sponsor said, isnt funny how much better hubby and i are getting along now that i failed....hmmm like she said, maybe i did it intentionally to save my marriage. i know how screwed up that sounds....but i am trying to get across what a strange situation this is, i mean really....it blindsided me or i would have never agreed to a second child.....

no matter what the reason, yes, i am to blame, i picked up the drink, i relapsed. i am grateful i stopped at one...i am grateful for you guys, i have not been able to get back to my meeting because i have a severe flu bug and it has me knocked out, between that and chasing my 13 month old around, i am too worn down. but rest assured you will be hearing from me in the meantime, and my sponsor comes over on a daily basis...she is the best.

thanks again everyone, i am curious as to what you think of this situation if anything, anyone ever been through this before, when you get better someone feels threatened by the new you???  

other than that, i am on day 3, working my program, and taking it minute by minute

[ibizan]

ur sponsor is wise......and yes i see ppl in marriages where one gets better and the other won't....it is threatening to the other and the status quo of the relationship.My x boyfriend 3 years gone and i am glad i got him out of my life......relapsed after 3 years clean from crack and cocaine....he thought i would stick with him cuz i did love him so very much( but i love myself more)...he is a fool which is he is.. if he ever thought i would blow 24 years of recovery on his sorry behind.....ya just can't have peace and serenity in ur life with one who uses and wants u on the same level.....but put that on the back burner for now...u staying sober and taking care of a life within u..if it is there is of utmost priority!

[dominosarah]

This situation can be very explosive. I cant stress this enough....YOU are what is important.  Do whatever you have to do to stay sober for YOU.  An addict is most happy when their partner is also using as it takes the spotlight off them.  NO man or woman is worth losing your sobriety to.  I hope your husband will find his way out of the mess he is in.  Please protect yourself and your assets.  Pills are very expensive.  I have gotten really selfish in taking care of me.  It is either lead follow or get the he!! out of my way!!!  I spent so much time always trying to change the other person and finally the lights came on and i realized the only one i could change was me.....and i did and here i am!!!

[sograteful828]

gosh are you right, the peace and serenity are gone. i didnt realize he was abusing until recently, he has a legit rx, so insurance pays for them, but i noticed his actions werent quite right. my sponsor started dating our friend who lives in our house recently, they have become very close, and my worries of his use have been confirmed. she didnt even have to tell me, i knew the look in her eye. she went to bat for me when he kept accusing me of relapse and now i know why, she knew he wasnt sober,  what a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   she feels bad, but i would never trade her for the world, she has always put my sobriety before her relationship and until that stops, she will remain my sponsor.

i am very torn, we were planning a new life, sober, both of us for once in our lives, planning a new baby....to raise our kids in a different way than we were, without drugs and alcohol around. i cant believe, this all seems like a nightmare....not to mention i am very ill, so nothing makes much sense right now. i think i have the answer, but like i have been told, do not make any moves for about a year....like sara said, protect yourself...and prepare....

thanks again, like i said i am too ill to make it to my meetings, so you guys are a huge help and support. i feel like a fool, like i had to fail in order to make him feel better...how messed up is that????

anyway....i appreciate your time and the storites you have shared....and you are right, no one is worth losing my sobriety over...i see that NOW, i have to work into my program to make sure i keep that in sight at ALL TIMES!!!!! hard work lies ahead, i know big changes are up and coming, but right now, baby steps

[dominosarah]

Dont beat yourself up girl......It is done and over, you learned a valuable lesson and are starting over.  That is what matters.  Yes hard work lies ahead but it is also exciting as there is a whole new world out there you will discover.  Drugs and alcohol cloud our minds and our world.  Get over this flu first.......drink plenty of fluids and rest!!!

[rod44]

What is in the past is just that....in the past, if you fall get back up and dust yourself off.....remember... stay away from just that one drink for one minute, hour or day, get back to your meetings and get selfish. Yes you need to make this about you and you alone. thanks for your honesty. Thinking about you, let us know if we can help...

Ray