i have 6th mth

[Pixieana10]

I have 6th mths of no drinking i God is always with me am so bless today I can make that rigjt

[Nighthawk61]

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                                    P I X I E A N A 1 0

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                               I T   G ET S   E A S I E R  

[ibizan]

What I meant @ you posting the same thoughts for quite awhile was just that!Fearing and worrying that you cannot overcome your old tapes in your head....it is very hard work....i know this.... BUT it can be done by breaking things down into little manageable pieces!My dad would say the same thing your mom did....and he did just that...but underneath that steely facade of a father of mine...now gone......was a lot of emotion he was brought up not to show.....a survivor of the Great Depression and a self centered domineering cold unemotional mother!My mom on the other hand would offer a lot of support and love....but finish it with get on w/it...and pull urself together....and she did...but the mental and sexual abuse my mom endured was damaging...but she mustered within her the strength to carry on!so i pray every hour God ...if you exist out there give me mothers internal fortitude that she used all these years to carry on!Your mom may mean wishing you'd be a robot that it'd be easier if you were so you could just plow thru!I think all of us alcoholics/addicts can get too emotional...and too self absorbed......i know i can...have...and its a swirling vortex!So when i feel this i say look @ at all the others in this world....whole lotta pain out there...and loss and ppl pushing thru....i'm no different than them...or you...so if we can be each others mirrors...and ears....we will just keep pushing thru 2 gether!Thank You for your insightful honest words!

[Beanie0]

Hello.  I've read your posts on this page a few times. Unfortunately, I am unhealthily judge-mental, and after reading your initial posts I boxed you into 'one of those people with a tone clearing showing that you were above me'.  I felt stupid when I read that I've posted the same things for years now! :-/  Awkward.  How embarrassing, I had a need to stand up for myself, and to stand up to you.  I wandered what post's you'd read to obtain this opinion of me.  - A negative **** of a person who'd posted the same thing for years.-me
I read the post about your own personal trouble.  The fight and pain you've so honestly written 'deletes' you from my boxed judgement.  I find myself thinking of my own Mother, who still frightens the life out of me.  Her domineering thoughts that have strangely become part of my thinking.  She'd always say 'You've just got to get on with it'.....and the classic 'Pull yourself together'.  Whilst visiting me in hospital after I'd jumped off a Car Park; she told me that she'd prefer me to be a ROBOT!! - God Bless her anyway.  I'm not a nasty person ibizan!  I am perhaps too emotional and too self-absorbed.  I think Medhelp has really helped me!  I don't have anyone else to talk to about my private thoughts. Beanie0  :-)

[ibizan]

Thank You dear!i know your words are true,there is nothing anyone can say to make the pain go away...you know this firsthand with the loss of your mom!She was so proud of my recovery......never forgot my sobriety date even in her dementia until 2 years ago when it really progressed!big cyberhug to u my friend!

[dominosarah]

I still believe that somewhere in that body of hers she knows it is you and feels your love and is so very proud of you~  I know this is so hard on you and i wish i could take some of your pain away but i cant.  All i can tell you is that when the end does come you will find peace, not right away but in time.  You have been such a good daughter to her and with your sobriety you are now living what your momma passed on.  That my friend is something to be very grateful for~

[ibizan]

The Buddhists chant positive thoughts constantly...the mantra they call it...to calm themselves.Even if they don't feel positive...and none of us do 100% of the time....happiness is fleeting...never a eternal state for us humans.Heres an example of FORCING myself to try to think more constructively.I'm most fortunate to have had my mother.Since 1999 she's been destroyed by an ugly cousin of Alzhiemers called Lewy Body Dementia.She's been in nursing homes since 2006.Last year she was diagnosed w/stomach and colon cancer.To speedial all of this,i've been watching her,for lack of a better word ROT in a bed,what the dementia hasn't destroyed the 2 cancers are.It RIPS my heart and emotions apart every time I go see her.We're getting towards the end of her journey in life.I constantly FIGHT to not be consumed by my feelings of anger as to why this is happening to her...my brother said to me one day"look at all the other elderly in this place being destroyed by old age/illness,just think of what their kids feel"BINGO!I sat in front of her yesterday......she was awake but did not..or could not speak as i spoke to her.I carry a journal and write down my thoughts/feelings for they are a constant vortex of tornadic activity!i have to FORCE my thoughts to be better,for myself,for my responsibilities in life lest i be consumed by a dark pit i choose not to enter.I'm tying a big knot in my emotional rope and hanging on.not easy but so necessary!I know its what she'd want me to do,even thought i don't feel like doing it...its a must for whats left of my sanity thruout all of this.Caving into a pit of darness/despair won't change her situation it will only worsen mine.So I'm squaring my shoulders and PUSHING myself THROUGH!Its my best option!

[ibizan]

don't we know that fear is...False Evidence Appears Real!FEAR!

[dominosarah]

Everything you want and need is on the other side of fear~

[ibizan]

the most powerful...and dangerous muscle we have lies tween our 2 ears:)and a sober/clean brain is a racing brain!to harness it is the most arduous task in recovery....not an easy one by any means.....and a constant journey...never a destination!it is constant HOURLY work for me......has gotten better over the years....but much better than the paranoid scattered never having any peace brain i had when drinking/drugging!

[Beanie0]

Ta for your reply.  Although I am a Christian, I find it interesting to learn about other religions.  It's in my general view that most people with mental health issues tend to over think.  Having said that, my Partner suffers from a totally different mental health problem - Schizo-affective Disorder.  Because he believes his thoughts are broadcast, he shuts down his thinking.  He spends a lot of time in a meditative state...his emotion often blunted.  I find it frustrating at times, when I'm falling apart at the seams emotionally he's often totally unresponsive.
Anyway, there must be a middle ground some where.....and I confess to being more of a 'glass half empty' person...well, 'almost totally empty'- it goes from one extreme to another with me. :-)... :-( .  I'm glad I responded to your initial post; I understand your point with a little more ease now! :-)  All the best to you.  Beanie0

[ibizan]

no one is putting u down!to focus constantly on whats wrong with ourselves conditions the brain w/negativity.....the Hindus call it a samskara! a negative thought etched in the brain becomes a scar!for 30 years in my recovery i've battled old tapes.....trying to erase and rewind new thoughts...better coping mechanisms...its been hard work but well worth the effort!some progress....but none of us will ever be perfection!

[Beanie0]

Thank you for your reply.  I'm not entirely at ease with the point of 'forcing ourselves' away from focusing on what's wrong.  For years I've been surrounded by 'fake, happy, performing type people.  My view is that the 'weak' who face their vulnerabilities should not be 'PUT DOWN!'  To be honest, I'd say, is more straight forward, especially when confronted with a combination of illness.  Things can't always be solved within an artificial time frame.  Beanie0    

[ibizan]

Stanton Peele said years ago if you're always focusing on whats wrong with you you will drown in negativity and illness.......we ARE indeed what we think...and easier said than done but forcing ourselves to have mental muscle even when we don't feel like it...is a MUST!U've posted the same things for a few years now........i believe you can accomplish whatever you SET your mind to do!

[Beanie0]

Well Done You!  I haven't got past 3 days yet.  I've recently been asked/offered the chance to stop completely with medical help, but within the community.  Initially I thought 'okay', but this was followed by a sinking feeling.  I wanted to Thank You for your post because it provoked more positive thought within.  All the best.  :-) Beanie0

[dominosarah]

Congrats on 6 months of sobriety!!!!  Do whatever it takes to stay sober, your life depends on it~