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is it too soon
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is it too soon

I have been with my now husband for 5 years.  We have now been married for only 6mos, I thought things were better with the drinking, with just occasional one night binges so to speak which were my days off, I thought we were just having fun. I have learned over the past 6 mos that his drinking never got better he was hiding it.  Now once again he is without a job, I have co -signed for him a car, which he can not pay for.  He has alos gotten a DUI which he has not even started looking for council on, and other tickets.   He is verbally abusive at times semi phiscially abusive, he has urinated on my daughter one drunkin night, called me horrible names in front of her and her friends(she is 18).  Of which he constantly tries to comapre our relationships. which is crazy if you ask me.  Is it too soon to call it quits??? I have looked into divorce, he knows.  I cant live like this, the more this goes on I have flash backs of my alcoholic step father, and dont want to put my daughter through that.  Even though she is 18, and will be going to college soon, I feel he is killing me as a person.  Constantly down talking me be-littling my jobs, me, her.  I have read so much heard friends and co-workers stories.  Unless he comes to grips with HIS problem there is no hope for us.  I have gone to counsiling he dosent think he should. I know I will miss him and worry about him.  But after 5 Years, and only 6 mos in a marriage I want out.  I dont want to live my life this way.  Is it too soon? I feel bad for 'giveing up on him' but I dont know what to do. I feel ike this could be just the beginnng to a long downward spiral that he will pull me down.
10 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Seems like 5 years is too long w/this person....the urination on my child would've been the last straw for me!poor girl:(U r so right @ unless he comes to grips w/his problem there is no hope for him...or u 2 as a couple....and if he ever got sober he owes ur child......and u MAJOR AMENDS!did he drink like this in the five years u were 2 gether w/him?
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757137_tn?1347200053
You ask a question to which you know the answer. Get rid of this drunken sot. He will not change.
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Avatar_f_tn
He URINATED on Your Daughter and You're asking others what You should do?????
I don't get this!!!!!!

I truely say this in all sincerity!!
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Avatar_f_tn
I feel I may have sounded harsh in my answer above.  I apologize if I did - I was shocked by what You said about what He did to Your Daughter but I should have sounded more sensitive.

You are not "giving up" on Him by leaving.  Leaving MAY give Him the motive to quit drinking, but if He doesn't, You're better off to know that now.  Staying with an alcoholic who doesn't help HimSelf is giving up on YOU!!  and putting Him before Your Daughter - doesn't matter if She's 18 - She still needs to know Her Mother puts Her above an alcoholic who will expose Himself and urinate on Her!!  That is appalling!!

My Mother was an alcoholic and was abusive to me, both pysically AND emotionally from the time I can remember until I left home at the age of 15.  I married at 15 to escape Her abuse.  I grew up thinking it was my fault that She drank!!  That Her dislike of me is what caused Her to drink!!  My marriage was horrendously hurtful to me but I had grown up "knowing" how to live in crisis and abuse so I stayed for 15 YEARS!! of heartache and heartbreak because I had no where to go except home to an alcoholic Mother who abused me.  So I stayed with Him and the abuse continued - it didn't stop until I left Him after 15 years.  By that time I had been abused for the first 30 YEARS of my life.  I felt so small and so unimportant, unloved and unwanted - I didn't leave because I was strong and taking a stand for myself - I left for my sanity - I simply could not take any more.  What Your Husband did to Your Daughter was horrible, demeaning abuse.  Don't leave Her to think that was tolerable (okay) with You.  She can likely put this in it's proper place since He was drunk but She may have a real problem with Her Mother tolerating Him doing this to Your Daughter.  


My Mother NEVER quit drinking - She died at 67 from Her alcoholism.  She was almost constantly drunk for 47 YEARS and there is no measuring the pain from this for my Father, my 2 Brothers and myself.  She didn't dislike my Brothers - She did not abuse Them but none-the-less, They suffered emotionally too and so did my Father - He never left Her and She never quit drinking. You are not "helping" Him by staying with Him - He has to help HimSelf.  You need to leave for YourSelf and Your Daughter.
Good Luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Well put my dear!:)sigh!
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1475202_tn?1388955435
I rarely agree that a marriage should be ended do to my strong belief that its for better or worse but there surely are exceptions when it comes to any form of abuse! I also don't know what advice to offer toosoon240 but I have to tell you I love the advice you offered. Also I am so sorry to hear your story, you sound like an amazingly strong and wonderful person that anyone would be very lucky to have!

Soo you left us kinda hanging there, is there a happy ending to your story now that you are free from everything in you past?  I sure hope so, YOU deserve it!

Randy
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanx for Your kind words.  I'm good now, very, very good!!  Shortly after I left my abusive Husband I met the Man I'm married to now and I'm The Luckiest Girl in the World!!  He was coming out of a bad Marriage at the same time I was and We became Friends straight away but were neither of Us looking for another Relationship - We were Both in too much pain.  We spent a lot of time together as We had much in common and much to share.  We were best friends for 7 Years!! strictly platonic, never even a kiss between Us!! and then "suddenly" our FriendShip was set on fire!! and We realized We were in Love.  It wasn't really sudden, of course, as We realize now that We had been building Love for One Another all those Years, we just didn't know it!! We had just been too hurt to recognize what was happening.  We were 38 when We Married and We just had our 28th HoneyMoon a few days ago!!  We are as Excited to be Together and in Love as We were since the day We realized what had happened to Us.  The 1st 30 years of my life was incredibly painful, full of anguish and despair -  but I would gladly pay that price twice more to have the Relationship We have today!!  Together We have healed One Another and today We know what REAL Love is:  It's when a FriendShip is set on Fire!!

I feel like I'm a walking, talking Fairy Tale!!
Regards,
Tink
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Avatar_f_tn
Ahhhhh...u just made my day lady!How wonderful for you and he! I LOVE a REAL love story!Keep living it and enjoying every moment of it!:)WAY COOL!
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank You, for all your support, and wonderful stories.  I Know things are bad I know and feel I need to get out of this for my daughter and myself.  I've been telling him to leave for 2 weeks now he wont.  I never thought much about marriage, I definatly never thought I would get married to get a divorce 6 mos later.  I feel lost. Everytime he says he is going to stop drinking then he does again it's fight, and somehow it works out to be my fault.  I cant even look at him without anger and disgust, and that hurts too I married this man.  Any ideas on how to get him to leave without violence????

Also Tink,  Congrats to happiness!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
HIS DRINKING IS NOT YOUR FAULT!it is HIS disease, and his REFUSAL to do anything @ it!whose house are u living in?his?both?do you have a knowledgeable attorney you can seek a legal opinion from regarding who has to leave?
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