not sure if i'm an alcoholic

[littlea34]

Hi, this is my first time on this website or any help website for that matter, so i'm feeling a bit nervous.  I have a family history of alcoholism and it terrifies me that i'm going the same way.  i'm sitting here trying to make excuses for why i drink but at the end of the day they're just excuses.  Basically i come home from work most evenings and pour my self 2 maybe 3 glasses of red wine - not all at once of course!!! then i feel guilty and have 2 or 3 cups or herbal tea - yes herbal tea, i'm one of those condesending gits that tries to eat organic, consumes no caffeine then guzziles wine !
I feel this is more of a habit than an addiction as if i'm busy i'm not too bothered.  

I'm a full time working mum, i have a great husband and family.  I have a great job - a little stressful at times but thats the way i like it,  i like to do the best i can at mostly everything, unfortunatley i suffer from bouts of depression.

I just what to find a happy medium, where i dont feel guilty and i can start enjoying life to the max.  At the moment i feel like i'm stuck in a rut!!

[dark69meat]

I decided it's an excuss.  A couple of questions I recently asked myself:

Can I quite anytime?  no
Do I question the amount and frequency of my drinking?  Yes
Do I feel hung-over in the morning and depressed?  Yes
Does the drinking rob energy and affect your mood?   Yes
Do I engage with people very well after drinking? No
Was alcohol affecting me mentally in a negative way?  Yes

I too have a good job, responsible, but felt after a while it's a drug like anything else and became depended. Yeah, I tried to eat organic a while ago, but to me all of this is one huge double standard.  Like marijuana, which I gave it several years ago;  I determined alcohol isn't a good thing for me anymore, because I abuse it.

Herbal tea I'm sure you can't go wrong, but still.

[working dog]

you don't have to be nervous on this site...i would quit drinking and see how you feel in 6 months...i wonder how long you have been drinking ??2 to 3 glasses sounds like a lot and you probably are an alcoholic so be carefull if you quit...i can remember when an alcoholic i knew that stopped drinking asked me how much i drank(this was 15 years ago) i said "i only have one or two drinks and only just before dinner" he said "you better watch it it won't be long till you drink after dinner" i told him that would never happen...well it did..he was right ...within about 3 years i would have a drink after dinner..it just got worse after that...anyway...your 34?? i would make a plan to stop...you'll most likely feel better mentaly..it could take a while so give it a chance......good luck........billy

[uberadtx]

dark69meat and workingdog have some good advice.  If you are questioning your drinking then you know whats up.  Your bouts of depression may clear a bit once you are away from drinking for a while.  Only you can determine if you are an alcoholic, if you want someone to tell you that you are, then you are in the right place.  If you want help and support, keep coming back.

[dark69meat]

All I've got tosay - after 19 days off booze I'm no longer depressed, happy again, and interact with the people much better.  A good regular healthy diet and regular exercise always helps too.  Basic stuff... the rest is a wash in the grand scheme of things.

[ibizan]

if u wonder,if u feel guilty about it.....y KNOW what ur deep inside.that VOICE doesn't lie...we try to talk it down with our rationalizing and denial.uber,dark and working dog have given gr8t comments.....hope u internalize it!

[littlea34]

Thanks everyone for your very helpful and truthful words.  it's not easy admitting to being an alcoholic, but if i want to move on with my life i have to do it one step at a time, and this is my first step.  I never had any wine last night and i'm going to the same tonight- one day at a time.
When i think back, it has been creeping up on me, i started to drink during the week when my youngest daughter was about 2 years old (she's 9 now), it wasn't alot, but i remember feeling the stress just lift and my muscles relaxing after that 1st glass, i suppose i wanted to feel like that all the time!! But now i have wine most evenings and to be perfectly honest i don't feel a thing, accept guilty that i've gotten in to such an abusive habbit.

I must admit when i read everyone comments lastnight i felt all anxious and panicky, i felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and a sweat appearing on my hands, but after a good nights sleep, i have managed to absorbe them and deal with them rationally.

thanks a million and i'll keep you all posted, hopefully i'll be able to give advice in the future!

[ibizan]

none of us ever woke up in the morn deciding 2 b alcoholic!i knew INSIDE at 19 i was....no OFF switch..proverbial hollow leg!when i made the decision to go 2 inpatient in 1983 i threw all my alcohol and drugs out and proceeded to go thru withdrawal in my lil apt!i couldn't sleep...and called up the recov alc i worked with who was taking me to rehab @ 5am.I felt ashamed.....how did i lose control of this and was a MAJOR mess.I woke him and asked my quetion.He sleepily replied its a disease Mary!now let me get some sleep!We r ALLERGIC 2 alcohol in every form.1 is 2 many and a thousand never enuf!hang in there we know what ur goin thru!

[working dog]

ibizan,,it's funny ..i started drinking when you quit...i hope you didn't do some telepathic thing and turn your beast my way...anyway ...little... i think you could have a problem if you don't slow down or quit...some of the brain damage comes back so thats good...whats bad is some doesn't...and as you get older and brain fuction starts to mellow it's really nice to have as much up there as possible..instead of telling your kids that you were smart when you were younger....billy

[ibizan]

i would never wish this BEAST on anyone dear..never!it is within us for some unknown reason,faulty wiring from Ma Nature!

[woozy]

I wouldn't say you are an alcoholic per se, but I would think you may have alcoholic tendencies. I would make an effort to eliminate the third glass and then also pick 4 nights a week where you only have one. If you can't limit yourself then I would think more seriously about the possiblity of being an alcoholic. One glass of wine a day is ok..If you skip a few days then you could allow yourself 2 a few days a week. I have enacted a no alcohol during the week policy and a limit of 4 on the weekend. The first few nights I craved sweets and was a little bit jittery but that's about it. Three glasses of wine every night is really too much, even two is pushing the envelope a little. It's important also how quickly you drink them.  I recently started taking 5 htp and L-tyrosine. over the counter supplements in America. I was able to limit my drinking within weeks and now only drink on the weekend or occasionally have a glass with dinner. the supplements helpl tremendously with my depression and anxiety and consequently I no longer seek alcohol to alleviate these issues. the supplements take about a month to start working effectively,ie you will notice a big difference. Not everyone who drinks every day is an alcoholic. but anyone who can't go a day without a drink is at the very least a problem drinker. I know I'm not an alcoholic but I can be a problem drinker if I don't watch myself. i would say you are potentially a problem drinker and go from there.

[working dog]

you don't use alcohol to alleviate  depression and anxety anymore???wasn't it the alcohol that caused these problems??or did you have this stuff going on before you started drinking... now you take something else...i'm not trying to be nasty..just that drinking can cause anxiety and depression just like hep c...damage to the liver fuction is damage to your brain......billy

[woozy]

I was probably making it worse with alcohol, I do agree with that. but I've had depression and social anxiety since I was 15 and I didn't start drinking until 20..and then it was just on the weekend due to being in college. I am willing to concede that I definitelty wasn't doing myself any favors by trying to drink my social anxiety away, it just made my mood worse.
The 5 htp and L tyrosine have had an effect on me in such a way that I no longer feel so depressed and socially anxious, I'm relaxed around people in social situations, I don't brood on things, my PMS is much more tolerable. I come home from work, have a cup of tea and relax without reaching for a glass of wine. This is the first time in my life I've been able to do this without feeling a strong urge for a glass of wine. and it's the first time I ever took these supplements too..so I feel like they are really helping me. Ironically the worst drinking of my life was when I was on Lexapro and Wellbutrin and Adderall (adderrall), my drinking went through the roof, it was terrible. but since quitting those medications my drinking fell off dramatically. I've always been one to have a glass or two of wine after work and then 3 or 4 a day during the weekend and now I've cut back to 4 a week.

[smudge771]

I'm 46 and drank from I was 15 until about 6 months ago. It waxed and waned, with long stretches of self-imposed sobriety (for pregnancies, to prove I could) but I discovered the hard way that I am indeed alcoholic. I never lost my house, or car, or kids, or job, or reputation. Most of my drinking was at home, and I rarely, rarely drank around anyone but my partner or closest of friends. I loved drinking, loved the warmth of the scotch burning in my chest, the clear taste of good vodka, and good red wine with dinner. Tequila in the summer, or cosmos, all part of the grown up adult 'fun' life I felt I'd missed not having many friends until I was in my 30s.

I had some warning signs over the years - being good and drunk and having another ounce or two just for good measure and with great regret later mostly. I felt I just wasn't 'good' at drinking as I'd had no practice partying like other people. All rationalizations, so many over the years.

Then my drinking became almost every day, unless I was sick, traveling or in the company of people who vigorously disapproved. Then the amount of drinking went up, like one person said, the drinks before dinner became drinks after. I woke up with headaches in the night all the time and developed sleeping problems. I was often tired the next day and would vow not to drink and then when dinner time came I'd find some reason - any reason - to break my promise to myself. Alcohol became my boss and I grew used to the constant feeling of ill-health, the guilt and shame that I couldn't control it... and then began hiding my drinking and getting into much longer-range thinking and planning so as to accommodate it with stealth more or less. All the signs.

When I drank I just got funnier and more affectionate and lusty, all good things in a relatively new relationship I had started about 8 months before. We were all having a great time but I was feeling so split inside because 'that voice' that someone else here referred to had been telling me for a very long time that I didn't drink like other people.

My drinking progressed - as it does for alcoholics - up to about five to ten drinks per night. Maybe a handful of evenings my partner noticed I had had too much, and only once did my teenage child, according to her. But every night I felt out of control, both of the current bout of drinking, and of my relationship with alcohol overall.

Then I nearly drowned in a bathtub while staying in a cabin with my partner and both of my girls. Thank God, goodness, fate, whatever. I surrendered to the fact that I can not drink, at all, ever, and started the work of stopping drinking and getting to know myself all over again.

I find after six months of sobriety I am clear, clean inside my soul, and working through the me-ness to get to a place of comfort with myself and everyone around me. It's very peaceful I must say and worth the effort. I am realizing I drank out of boredom and loneliness and that it's my responsibility to look after those needs for myself instead of looking in a bottle to find it. If a TV show is so bad I can't watch it without a drink, hey, stupid, don't watch it. Now I put my time to my kids, my work, my community, my creativity, and as someone said, be prepared to change more than the drinking to make it stick.

Now I get out of the house, and out of my head, help others, and let the desire for drinking pass through me like the weather, now matter how stormy it gets... the sunshine always seems to follow.

Good luck with everything - if you stick with sobriety the gifts of it will become clearer every day and you'll get to where you wouldn't let a drink wreck it for anything.

[rod44]

Good on ya, its nice to see and hear people who are grateful for there sobriety…
R

[hollygirl1972]

Hi little,

I have just posted a post a little similar to yours.  I too am drinking about half a botle of wine many nights.  Some weeks I can easily stick to the recommended units of fifteen and some weeks even have none - but whenever my anxiety levels go up or around PMS (which I get very very bad) I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin - so end up having a drink - or two or three.  The last two weeks have scared me because I have drank half a bottle of wine every night except for two nights and that is way too much.  

I have decided to stop and to go to AA.  It will be hard I know but it is great to see people on here who have stopped and who feel great.

I dont know where people on here are from but I get the impression that a lot are from America.  I am from the UK and it is very hard here to get taken seriously with this sort of thing.  Most people seem to drink a hell of a lot and when I asked my doc a few years ago for advice ( I was drinking half a bottle of wine three to four nights a week then nearly every week - fifteen to twenty units) he told me not to worry and that that amount of drinking was fine!  Then when sufering with palpitations due to anxiety I asked the cardiologist what I should do if I had them bad at night and he told me to pour myself a stiff gin and tonic and relax!

I do think in America it is better with these things.  Probably millions of Europeans are functioning alcoholics (nearly all of the French I bet!)  So I am going to ignore my mates who laugh at me and tell me to not be silly and just have some wine and get myself to AA because I just know - I can feel - that it is making me unwell.  God knows how I will cope at 'that' time of the month though!

[ibizan]

6 months sober!congrats!please keep posting and helping other find answers to their drinking questions....  or to stimulate those in denial to sobering thoughts!