self medicating or alcoholism?

I started drinking when i was 19, binge drinking at parties mostly. Even back then I had a hard time knowing when to stop. I have a mood disorder, so a lot of times I thought alcohol was helping me ( I didn't feel abnormal, I felt like everyone else or more included). I stopped taking my medication (zoloft, effexor, seroquel) when i was 22 b/c i hated the side effects and friends were telling me that I didn't need that crutch. So since then I've been drinking close to a 6 pack a night to deal with my depression, sometimes more depending on the occassion.  I don't drink in the morning ( or I have on very few occassions) and I don't start drinking until after 5 b/c i know if i start earlier I'll have to maintain the buzz all day. I also smoke pot on a daily basis, and use cocaine and oxycodone every now and then. I'm fairly certain that i can quit the other drugs ( I have in the past), but I'm having a hard time giving up alcohol.  Mainly b/c I've grown to depend on alcohol to make me feel a certain way. I couldn't depend on people, or my mood; but alcohol could always take the edge off. However, now it's becoming dangerous and costly. I'm fairly certain I drive home over the legal limit about 5 or more times a week. I've had countless blackouts, during these I act totally nuts and make suicide and death threats (supposively)  I'm getting help, I'm seeing a therapist and I'm going back on medication, but I can't quit drinking or not on my own at least. I'm shy about going to meetings so I thought i would try this. Any suggestions on how to make the first step?

[MJIthewriter]

I'm not an alcoholic or anything. I don't drink, but alcoholism is something that intrigues me and I love to study about in the process of writing a story. The story is an ongoing process. In my research I found something that may be helpful to you.  You don't have to read everything at once. (there's lots of stuff!)
I suggest bookmarking it (or adding to favorites if you use ie) that way you can return to it.

Here's something for newcomers:
http://www.legacyaa.com/book/a_newcomer.htm

It has a handy guide that describes what to expect for your first AA meeting. Perhaps it can take some of the edge off your anxiety, or perhaps not. It looks worth reading though.
http://www.legacyaa.com/book/firstMeeting.htm

It's got other interesting things. I think they published the 12 x 12 one chapter at a time. (the font is small but you can zoom in)
http://www.legacyaa.com/book/twelve_steps.htm

Follow as many links on there if you wish.

[Virginia83]

Thanks for the info, i'll check those links out. Feel free to add me as a friend if you want.

Virginia

[MJIthewriter]

You're welcome. I bookmarked quite a few links, but I won't post them all at once.
This is another interesting site I sumbled upon:
http://www.serenityfound.org/home.html

Those two places have plenty to read about. If you follow the serenityfound site there are a number of personal stories shared by various people and other stuff.

If you want to add me as a "friend" you can go ahead. I don't usually send out invites, but I tend to accept invites I get.

[susieq87]

My experience was regardless of what other drugs and so forth I took, I stll remained an alcoholic and true to alcholol. I am a recovering alcholic.  My problem was wanting to self medicate because I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.  The alcohol is a big issue.  Out patient treatment is good in order to start turning your mind around as you have to relearn how to live without self medicating.  Some people are able to do it just through AA.  Shy or not, be assured the people in AA are no different than you except they have a daily reprieve from alchol by working the steps.  They welcome you.  You do know the progressiveness of the disease of alcholism (alcoholism).  It is not a pretty sight.  Our bodies just aren't built to take the abuse.  Go for some help.

[vmvnpv]

Alcohol is actually a depressant, so it's not helping you're depression.  When you drink it brings your mood even lower while when you smoke weed or do the other drugs you do it brings your mood up....for a little while.  When the high of the drugs wears off you crash and your mood is even lower than when you started doing the drugs.  Either way, alcohol and drugs are not the way to make you feel better long term, drugs only "help" for a few hours and alcohol just helps you forget for a little bit.  The reason you make death and suicide threats is because the alcohol is acting like it's supposed to, as a depressant.  The only answer is getting the help you're already getting and going back on the meds that the doctor prescribes to help you.  If you don't like the side effects tell your dr. and they'll try something else until they find the right med for you.  Not every med works and the doctors need to know what is and isn't working for you so they can help you.

It sounds like you have a bad drinking problem (and possibly are an alcoholic).  AA and a sponsor will help you to control this problem (therapy is a good start but you need more help and it the meetings are free).  If you're back on meds DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL OR DO OTHER DRUGS!  A.) Because it WILL KILL YOU and B.) alcohol isn't allowing the meds to do what they're supposed to do to help you feel better.  You take you meds which is making you feel better and then you drink alcohol (a depressant) and it brings you to where you started before meds or even lower or worse.  

[Jacker]

I agree the previous post and would add the following;  you're dealing with way too many variables between the alcohol, coke, oxy, pot, and any drugs for your mood disorder.  This is turning your body into a roller coaster and if you keep it up, it's only going to get worse.  If you can sober up (and refrain from the other drugs), you can probably get a better diagnosis for your mood disorder and get a perscripton that will really help you.  I think it would be difficult for a Dr to treat you for your disorder in your present state.  

In 1-2 months, you could be a MUCH happier person.  Getting sober isn't easy, but a few months makes a huge difference.  I never thought it was possible, but that's how it worked out for me.  If you can't stop, AA is a good direction, but at minium, you need to hang around with groups of people who do not drink - join a church or go to a gym where people are health conscious.  OR join some other club full of people with similar interests who do not drink.  This will help you stay sober during the most critical time.  

[ibizan]

Jacker,susieq and vnvmpv have all made good statements..good advice...i agree with them!i've been sober/clean 24 years....AA/NA helped me.....i qualified for both programs....and controlled drinking doesn't work for alcoholics/addicts!