update on mom

Hi everyone, I am sorry I haven't been here for awhile.   Mom has gone home from the hospital.  Yes, they let her go home last week.  The doctor said they is nothing he can do for her.
So, my sister and I have been going back and front helping her.  We bring her meals and groceries and etc.
We are getting exhausted, especially my sister because I am not that well myself and she is doing double duty.

She is still very weak.  Complaining about leg pain (bad circulation).  You know what she won't admit this is all from alcohol.  She says it is her nerves.  Little do we know, of course it is alcohol.  It's killing her slower.
She cannot eat solids.  She threw up again trying to eat a sandwich.  

I sure hope when you think about having another drink, think about how you would put your children through this.
It is different if you are really ill  but from drinking.   Alot of families would disown them
Of course, we couldn't do that, we are not like that.  

But really think about it do you want your children to see what I have seen and leave this memory of you.

Congrats to all those who quit and prayers and hope to those who decide to.

Maggie xoxoxo

[narla]

It is such a shame that you and your sister have to see your mother this way,I'm just glad I gave up alcohol as soon as my doctor said I had liver damage,I never want to burden my children and husband.
I wonder if your mother knows how lucky she is to have daughters like you and your sister.Good Luck and Best Wishes

Denise

[Purbeckgirl]

Thanks so much for posting, I have two grown up children. I take the AA method of 'one day at a time' after reading your post, that's me sober for another day, thanks!

[Purbeckgirl]

Above post should read to 'maggs'.

[narla]

Just thought I'd let you know because I stopped drinking and stopped using codeine immediately my liver is slowly repairing itself,but I have been told if I start to drink again and do more damage then it wouldn't be able to repair itself again.So I've learnt my lesson.

Denise

[Jaybay]

maggs, I read your other posts about your mom and they're heartbreaking.  There's one thing I wanted to say regarding the gastric bleed.  When you found "chunks" in the blood in her room, it's not organ tissue.  It's old blood clots that were vomited up.  There is no physical way to regurgitate an internal organ.  There may have been bits of stomach lining tissue in there, but ultimately most of it was blood and blood clots.  Your mom's stomach and possibly small intestines have likely been bleeding for quite a while.  The damage probably got bad enough that larger vessels were destroyed and caused the hemorrhage.

My mother recently died of intestinal hemorrhage from what may have been a genetic disease.  There wasn't time to perform the necessary testing but her symptoms strongly pointed that direction.  I was just as frustrated and helpless as you are right now.  Try not to let misplaced guilt overwhelm you.  You had nothing to do with the way your mom lived her life, and you are not in any way responsible for her death.  

I very much admire you for taking on the caregive role.  That's the roughest job I ever did in my life.  I could handle the physical part but dealing with dementia, whether from alzheimers, old age or substance abuse is a horror.  If you haven't found it yet, there is a Caregivers Community here at MedHelp that might help you through this terrible time.  Nothing lasts forever.  Please take the time to step away from the situation periodically and recharge your batteries.

[dominosarah]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom........Losing a parent is so very hard.   sara

[ibizan]

I read in your profile what your mother and you were going thru...i thought YIKES this lady's plate is really overpiled with peas!My 92 year old mom has dementia and I had to cancel a visit tomorrow to her due to her being ill and a mess at the facility regarding improper meds dispensal.Deepest condolences to you upon the loss of her......it is gutwrenching to watch our parents age and deteriorate....and that is putting it mildly!

[rod44]

I am with sara on this, deepest sympathy to you and your family.


Ray  

[Jaybay]

Thanks everyone.  :-)  I really was headed to a breakdown during that last month or so.  Drunk or not, I have to give DH credit where it's due - I couldn't have gotten through it all without him picking up up a lot of work for me and Mom both.  It was after her death that he really deteriorated.  I miss having her to talk to so much, and even moreso now.  She knew everything that was happening with DH and even paid for his initial detox.  She was never nasty or judgmental with him, just very matter of fact and sad to see him like this.

I don't know how she did it, but Mom somehow managed to talk my sister into leaving a life of drugs and alcohol when she was in high school.  That was back in the days of no detox or rehab facilities and mental therapy was something to be hidden at all costs.  I swear that my sister just got so sick of Mom talking to her all night, every night, that she finally gave up and flew straight.   LOL!  Mom always could wear anybody down if she put her mind to it.

ibizan, med errors and worse happen all the time in these places.  Even with someone visiting Mom every single day and checking the med sheets, it still happened.  These idiots couldn't even get Mom's diet sorted out.  The only other option is keeping the loved one at home and bringing the care in.  Lord knows that's not always possible, or even advisable.  You're right about watching people deteriorate - for any reason.  That part was almost worse than the actual death.  I don't think I've ever felt so helpless, frustrated and ineffectual as I have this past year.  Nothing lasts forever though, does it?  The outcome may not be what we want or imagine, but all things eventually come to an end.  Nothing is certain - except death and taxes.  

[ibizan]

There was no way we could've managed our mom in our homes.....she is one of the better facilities in our area but we still have to keep on them constantly....the incompetence of some of the staff is incredible...and thank God for the good ones!when u have a loved one in a facilty u have to be a vigilante.....i will lose her someday and it will be my next biggest hurdle....and we both know nothing on earth can ever prepare you for the loss of a parent that has been the best parent ever...i have been fortunate indeed to have her as a mother.

[Jaybay]

I understand completely and don't question anyone's decision either way.  Let's face it, most of us don't have the medical training necessary to deal with dementia or physical problems with old age.  Really good care can also be outside the budgets of many families.  

One thing my pastor told me stuck with me as we were planning Mom's funeral.  He asked when it happened that she got seriously ill.  That was over a year before her death.  He pointed out that it was then that she stepped out of life.  Sounds simplistic, but it slapped my upside the head.  I'd been grieving her loss already for over a year.  It just galls me that we had to put her somewhere that most of the employees were so uncaring, even with strong family involvement.  But enough of this depressing crap!  

[ibizan]

we are fortunate my dad provided financially for my moms care....she has had episodes of suicidal ideation has delusions and her dementia is progressing.....she falls a lot and has congestive heart failure BAD!many of the staff there are so caring for her...it is so clean and plenty of activities....we looked at some hellholes that i was apalled at being reccomended by the shrink and social worker.so we hop on the bad......and praise the good and thank the good staff....and try to communicate more with the bad.she was sick today so we cancelled our visit...i go bi-weekly...she is an hour/half from me.....avid CNN watcher and news and old movies...like me...we chat and laugh up a storm and recall the good times!and she LOVES to see pics of her 4 legged grankids!she loved them visiting her when she was in her home......we laugh about my one girl grey sneaking over to the table while we were chatting and ate the middle out of my sis in laws freshly baked cherry pie years back!:)

[chippi1]

Hi maggs, I'm sorry you have to see your mother this way and to be going through this yourself. My mother died at the age of 55 due to Cirrhosis and Alcohol and drug induced Hepatitis. She had multiple other health problems also due to the alcohol and drug abuse over the years and was in the hospital in pretty bad shape a few times also. She just refused to admit that she was an alcoholic and would not stop drinking. She died with a mix drink in front of her. She knew I was in recovery for a few years and that it did work if you wanted it badly enough but never chose to try it and partied herself right into the ground. She did not experience what your mom is going through but I have known people who have and did not make it back home from the hospital. Your mother is lucky to have you and your sister. God Bless you both