How do I do this??

My grandpa has alzheimers and we know he has it and it is getting pretty severe. He was diagnosed in South Carolina but we are having a hard time getting a hold of his records from SC. He is now living with my mom here in Texas and she is trying to take care of him. The problem is she works long hours so she relies on me to take care of him when I get home from work. I do without any complaints, but I really need her to stand up to him and tell him things he shouldn't be doing anymore, for example driving!

He insisted on driving himself to the dentist yesterday and to the doctor today. Just to make sure he makes it ok I have to play stocker and follow him to and from the dentist. I also had to call the dentist and make sure he didn't write the check for more than what we had already agreed on.

Then there is the constant accusations that me, my DH, and my children are stealing from him and tearing up his stuff. Which none of this is true. He told my mom that while they had his car in the shop we went and stole parts off of his car to fix mine. #1 his is a 90 mine is a 95 #2 mine is a buick LeSabre and his is a Buick Sentre.  #3 I am not even worried about fixing my car because I am looking to get a new one.  It isn't just a little fight though he starts screaming and hollering about it and then gets my mom's blood pressure up and they get in a huge fight and then later she takes it out on me.  She is getting better about laughing with me about it but I still don't like seeing her this stressed out.  Then he says that Doug stole his weedeater, which again we always have to go borrow his mom's so this isn't true. So this weekend we went to Lowe's and bought him a new one and he put gas in it(i suspect without mixing oil into it) and now it is broke. Of course he didn't do it my oldest boy broke it is his story. He also tore apart my mom's brand new riding lawn mower and told her he saw my oldest son which is only 8 and has autism get on the lawnmower and drive it all over the yard and he ran over a piece of steal 3 or 4 times and broke it and he tore it apart to fix it.  I pay my middle son which is 7 with quarters for helping me, well my son proud that he earned two dollars in quarters went and showed him and my mom. He asked my son if he could have the quarters and in exchange he would give him two dollar bills. My son agreed and then my grandpa goes off saying he doesn't know why he has to pay that boy money for quarters he stole from him.  

I just don't know how to handle this man! I believe he is to far gone for us to help him and that my mom needs to put him in a home or hire someone to take care of him but my mom refuses.

[jokzter]

Hi, I am the Program Manager at an adult day care center in Florida. First of all I understand the dilemma your in, I can only recommend a couple of things.  Don't feed into his rants and raves, try redirecting the conversation with something he is interested in.  Redirecting a person is our main way of dealing with patients that are out of control.  

[Lonelymom]

Thank you I will try that. Any other suggestions you can come up with I will appreciate.

[Vako23]

Hi,
My dad has dementia and it is not too out of control yet, but one thing you always have to tell yourself is that they are not doing this intentionally, I know that being a caregiver you are very overwhelmed and sometimes you are too tired to remind yourself that your grandpa's thoughts and accusations are not rational to you, but to him they are.
I constantly have to tell my mom not to get frustrated with him, but it is easy for me to say when I do not have to deal with it all the time. So I hope that maybe hearing someone else say that your reaction to him is how alot of caregivers react, hang in there and remember we do not know how much time we have with them, so enjoy the good and the sometimes not so good. One thing you should maybe do yourself is have your grandpa's doctor tell him that he cannot drive, that is what my mom did, that way he will see it as a medical reason, not because you and your mom are telling him to stop.
Good Luck and take care

[Lonelymom]

Thank you and yes he will be seeing a new doctor next week. We plan to have it medically diagnosed here in Texas since he has been in South Carolina and all the signs point to him having not the first stages but more like the later stages. Sometimes he thinks I am my mom and sometimes my daughter is my mom. He believes my aunt is dead and my grandma is dead then other times he thinks he is divorced to my grandma and neither are true. She lives in Washington with other family and has lived there since she moved there to take care of her mom. They never got divorced. My aunt is very much a live and living only 1 1/2 hours away from us but never comes down or calls anymore.

I think until we get the diagnoses I am going to remove the ecm fuse from his car that way he can't start the car. He will believe someone stole the gas out of it and he won't have an oppurtunity to drive.

[DarBaby2009]

Hi!!  My dad has dementia.  He repeats the same joke or story over and over again.  We didn't really realize he was getting bad until last summer, he was asked to pray.  He prayed, but it lasted about 15 minutes or more.  He prayed about everything...but the food.  It was funny at the time, but that was just the beginning of the decline.  He still recognizes everyone.  He drives my mom crazy, by asking the same question over and over again.  It is really harmless, but it does get on your nerves.  

Well, I hope the best for you in your situation.

[Lonelymom]

The repeating doesn't bother me as much as him accusing us of tearing up stuff he tore up or claiming we stole something he can't find! Now that bothers me.

For instance just recently he opened my mom's bedroom window that had the ac in it and dropped the AC unit about 8 feet out her bedroom window. Then he put it on a dolly and wheeled it in the office and tried to put it back together. When my mom noticed it was broke he claimed me and my 3 year old daughter opened the window and pushed it out. Very frustrating to me.

[birdie0907]

You could call the authorities about his driving license. The call goes as anonymous, which is what I did to my father-in-law while his kids hoped he would improve. Him sticking his car keys into wall sockets was proof of no hope, yet his doctor had just approved him as safe to be driving at the time I got involved.

Sounds like you solved it taking the fuse out, as long as he does not take it to a service station.

[leeisgettingclean]

i am in healt care pertiulary dealing with this illness, and the person suggesting redearecting is 100% right, that is what you have to do, thats all you can do. Also NEVER approach him fast, always stand back a little and let him approach you. These people are wonderfull caring fun people , you just have to help them in a treating way, they are easily stardeled

[Lonelymom]

My grandpa just recently had a minor stroke. Very scary on all of us because I had just checked on him and it took a matter of minutes and it happened. Since my mom is looking into home care for him so a lot of our frustrations will be gone.

Thank you all for your advice.

[M_Celeste]

Hmmmm... I've never really thought about redirecting the conversation.  I'll have to try that & suggest it to my family.  My 82 year old grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago, & we're going through a lot the same stuff the OP mentioned.  My hubby's grandmother also has what I believe to be undiagnosed Alzheimer's, because she has almost the exact same symptoms my grandfather does.  And having worked with elderly people (working for the housing authority & as a property manager) I've noticed that the accusations of theft are a pretty common thing.  And it's always for silly things, like toothpaste, canned foods, etc.  As difficult as it is, you just have to overlook it.

My grandfather is still somewhat lucid, but he is constantly getting me confused with my mother & asking me if I remember things that actually happened to my mother as a kid instead of me.  His doctor's said his disease appears to be pretty far advanced, & they think the reason he still remains somewhat lucid is because he has been a farmer all his life, & this has helped him to establish a routine.  Fortunately I live 30 miles away from him, & he lives on his farm with my mother, grandmother, & uncle.  My mother & uncle live in 2 seperate houses within walking distance of my grandmother & grandfather.  Unfortunately, my grandmother gets the brunt of his frustration.  He is constantly cursing her, yelling at her, accusing her of cheating (he's the only man she's ever been with), has told her he's talked to an attorney about getting a divorce (they've been married 50+ years) & hiding things from her.  She writes his doctor's appts. down on a calender, & he will sneak around & erase them or mark through them.  He's told myself & my uncle that we will all be dancing on his grave when he dies because all we want from him is his money, which makes no sense, since he technically doesn't have any money, just the farm which isn't exactly a liquid asset.  My hubby & I keep our horses on the farm & we were switching them from pasture to pasture when the cattle would switch pastures.  When I was a child, we only kept the horses in one pasture (nicknamed the "horse lot"), & my grandfather threw such a fit about the horses not being in the horse lot that my uncle (who takes care of the farm) ended up fencing them in there so he won't have to listen to him complain.  He's absolutely refuses to let us put them anywhere else, even through their placement on the farm has absolutely zero effect on him.  So I'm constantly having to worry about whether they have enough water & grazing land to sustain them.  He also continues to drive, even though he's been told not to my his docs.  It wouldn't be so bad if he just drove on the farm, but anytime my grandmother goes somewhere, he will get in his truck to drive to wherever she is to check up on her to make sure she is not cheating!  This concerns me greatly, as I had a friend whose grandfather did the same thing & ended up crashing into a mother & her small child, almost killing them.  I've been told to call the authorities about his driver's license, but my husband tells me I shouldn't because his riding around is "all he has", since he can't work the farm anymore due to his various health problems.  My grandmother has said that when he gets to the point to where he doesn't know any of us, she's going to put him in a home.  I feel horrible about that, but on the other hand I think his behavior is really taking a toll on her.   He recently had an episode with his heart & was in the hospital (where he angrly, violently insisted someone be with him at all times, to the point where he was put in restraints) & I actually took some comfort in that because I know she'd get a break.

My husband's grandmother has never drove, thank goodness, but we have to deal with a whole other host of problems with her.  Such as, her furnace is about to blow up, the neighbor is a state trooper who's spying on her (the guy works at some factory somewhere), the HVAC who came to repair her furnace is stalking around her house at night with a gun trying to kill her, we're all conspiring to put her in the nursing home, she doesn't want to go to doctor's appts. because she thinks the doctor will put her in the nursing home, & from time to time she will even try to sort out her weekly & daily medicines herself, which results in nothing but chaos.

So Lonelymom, you're not alone.  There's all sorts of us having to go through this.  One thing I've learned is that you can't use reason & logic with them; it will not work.  TRUST ME.  Some of my family members try to do that with my grandfather & my husband's family members try to do the same thing with his grandmother, & it only results in everyone getting angry & frustrated & nothing getting resolved.  I've never really known of anything else to to do, though, as you can't go along with them when they're accusing of people trying to murder them & whatnot!  That's why I liked the early suggestion of redirecting the conversation.   I'll suggest to my family members & try it myself.  I'm sick of going around in circles with my grandfather trying to convince him that my grandmother never has & never will cheat on him.

[M_Celeste]

And oh yes, I forgot to mention, the humor thing, sometimes that's the best way to deal with it.  I'm always cracking up at my husband's grandmother & her fear that the furnace is going to explode.  And then she decided the HVAC man who was trying to kill her is now in prison for some reason, so we just told her that that meant she didn't have to worry about him anymore.

It's a bit more difficult to find humor with my grandfather, though.  He seems to be very emotional & cries easily.  I can give him a card for father's day & he will cry.  He cries when he starts talking about when my cousin & I were children.  My uncle is a bit more casual about it, though, & even remarked to me one day in a sarcastic voice "Well, you know how he *cries* about everything", when I was asking him something about my grandfather (can't remember what).  The fact that he didn't take it so seriously helped me to lighten up a bit.  We also get a bit of a laugh about his cheating accusations towards my grandmother & that he keeps claiming to have spoken to a divorce attorney.   My uncle actually called his bluff on that one day, & he hasn't said anything about it sense.

I realize it's difficult, & I couldn't imagine being with my grandfather 24/7.  Hopefully some of the advice that has been given here today will help you to cope better.