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how do you know they cant stay at home?

My mother is 86 and has dementia. She is on Namenda and also takes a blood thinner and a high blood pressure pill but that is all. I took her into my home when she had either a small seizure or a TIA on the way home from a protime test. I went down to stay the hight with her and she told me she was afraid to stay alone any more. I took her home with me the next day and she has been here several weeks now. We are cleaning out her apartment and will auction off what she does not want to keep. One of my brothers is in Missouri and the other is pouting because she didnt want to move in with his and his wife so he will not talk to her on the phone or help to move her possesions. I had to hire help to move her furniture.
  When she is under the least bit of stress or gets tired she falls apart. her memory becomeslike swiss cheese and she looks rather wild eyed and moves at a frantic pace. She makes up things in her mind and insists they are true, sort of like false memories. I know they are not correct what she is telling me but if I disagree she becomes angry. She will sit for hours trying to make heads or tales of a EOB and become so frustrated the rest of the day is a bust. If I try to distract her or tell her I will take care of it for her she seems to become dispondant because she can not do it herself.
  I have no family support on this as one brother is far away and the other is being a nut. He even hung up on her the one time he did talk to her. Why would anyone be so selfish? I keep trying to thinnk of things for her to do, but she doesnt want busy work she wants something important she will say. Yesterday she was having a good day and I left her to run a errand, never again! I came home to find her in a frantic panic. She insisted I had been gone for hours and she was running around the house with the phone in her hand like she was going to call someone but she couldnt remember how to dial it. I had been gone half a hour she insisted it was for hours and hours. The rest of the evening she sat and stared at the floor. She told me she had gotten up and sat in a chair for a long time in the night.
my questions is how do you know when it is not safe to keep them at home any longer? I work out of my home so I am here all day long. I rarely get any time alone and when I do leave it is disasterous. I am not sure what to do.I wnat to keep her with me as long as possible, but I see her slipping away at a alarming rate. Non of us realized how badly she was deteriorated until I brought her tolive with me. Her apartment was filthy, not at all like my mother. She had simply gotten beyond it. Can anyone give me some answers as to how to reassure her and as to how to know when I can not keep her here any longer. I worry I will do the wrong thing and something will happen to her. Thank you for any help you can give me or advice.
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Avatar universal
If you have a state or county elder care abuse hotline, call it. Let them know that your brother is doing all he can to help and that your mom has dementia and is abusive to him and he and she are at risk.

They can come and do an investigation, and should not disclose who reported the *situation*.  If she qualifies for aid like medicaire, they may place her in a home.

I had a quite nasty father-in-law who the nurse taking care of his wife threatened him with called elder care on him after his "care" of his wife caused her to degrade quickly, get bedsores and he would not let us do enough to intervene. She did get more care, but she passed away shortly after from aspiration pneumonia.

So, even though you live far away and it is painful... I would advise going on the internet and getting the numbers and reporting locally. Then you may have to make a trip to get her into a home. We finally had to place my FIL in a home after he called the cops on his caregivers so many times they ALL quit. He had a rough transition but we did all we could to find a smaller place to give him more attention. It was also better as he got regular and better medical attention and more fluids (he was chronically dehydrated) and the rigid schedule helped with the dementia so until the cancer took him, he actually got better. I went to the home 3x a week to keep an eye on things.

It can work, but it sounds like she cannot be home alone safely anymore.
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Avatar universal
My Mother has dementia. She is mean, very mean, and I feel can no longer live by herself. I went to her house one day she had 30 pounds, of potatoes that were rotten. She has a cat that she leaves in one room that smells so bad. She has a dog that goes potty in the house. A year ago she threw my brother in jail because she said he hit her and the cops believed her. She has thrown him in jail all his life. She calls the cops on him since he was very young not to say he has deserved it some times but it is just a habit with her. He is trying to care for her since my younger brother and I live so far away, but she won't let him clean, or take care of the things that need to be cleaned. I am lost, and don't know what to do. She says she can take care of her self, but she can't. She keeps threating to call the cops on my brother, because he cleans the house for her. They yell and argue at each other every time I call to see how they are doing. I am so scared for the both of them. He has no patients for this job but no where to go.
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Avatar universal
  I actually had posted a message, or tried to anyway a few days ago and my computor lost connectivity and i lost my message and I have not been back since. Bad computor. What will we do on mothers day? beats the heck out of me. I vote we stay home and build the supports for my window boxes and have Pizza Hut deliver, but not sure what she will be up for. I bought myself a puppy to replace the two I lost in a awful tragedy long story not for here. It is a birthday present to myself. He will be ready in June and I will have to drive at least half way to Oklahoma to pick him up. My mom announced she had always gone with me to get my puppies, I really do not think that is a good idea this time. I can just imagine a car trip with mom that far away oh no! I think I will try to time her trip to my brothers for during that time.
  Take care of yourself over the weekend.
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212161 tn?1599427282
COMMUNITY LEADER
wow great on your own business that helps to give you some out.  you really need to take care of your self and dont let this get your body down ans sick , with lupus you need to try and stay stress free. which is almost a not with a parent that is not well

my mom is the same way she will not go anywhere without me or my dad, we would love to get her to go to a center and enjoy others her age but she will not.

i think it would be great if you can get her to go to your brothers for a little while, we all need that time and once she gets there she might like being there . your her security and she feels safe when shes with you , so leaving you behind  am sure stresses her. but if you could get her son to call her and tell her they will be there for her needs and make her feel safe being there that might help.

am with you girl and my heart hurts for all that you are going throught. hang in there and take it day by day like i do and when ever you can get out if not nothing but walking outside your house by yourself and breathing in fresh air do it. always enjoy talking
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Avatar universal
Thank you for all of the kind comments. Yes I do get up in the night alot. I have lupus and my joints hurt so when I turn over it wakes me up. Some times I just get up and come out and check my onlin stores, I sell vintage jewelry on three online shops and in the night I often have International customers asking questions so that works out pretty well, I catch those right away. They are alway shocked they dont have to wait for their answers to their questions. :).
   I called one place that I found on the internet, but they were so pushy I finally told them to leave me alone, not a good fit at all.
   I tried to get mom interested in goint into the senior citizens in town they have a active  center there where she could meet other people and visit for a few others. Her neuro said that would be really good for her to do that but she said she wouldnt know anyone there so she didnt want to go. So difficult to get her interested in anything outside her comfort zone at this stage.
  My brother wants her to come and visit him in missouri for a week to ten days and I want her to go. It would be good for everyone. She doesnt want to go unless I come. I told her I can not leave my online stores. Not true, I just need some time  to breath and not have the TV at ten decibles. My brother is going to get a rude awadening. I dont think she will be able to keep the act up for ten days. Hah.
  Boy it is good to hear that I do not imagine that nice little old lady act. I was beginning to think that I was loosing it. When she patted me on the arm the other day and said I was a pretty good girl I was shocked beyond belief, but she went back into character by giving me the horrible bruise by pincing me when the lawyer left the room. wher I protested she told me it didnt hurt me. Let me tell you it did hurt me, it was all I could do not to cry it hurt so badly. She has pinching down to an art and does it when you displease her. I have to really watch her.
  Thank you for being there for me to talk with. I will have a hearing in my divorce on the eleventh and then I will probably be talking to my brother about having her take a trip to visit them. If only there were some type of normalcy in my life some where.
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212161 tn?1599427282
COMMUNITY LEADER
wow i see you was up early and writing . so sorry your having to do all your doing but if not for you where would she be. thats what i tell myself with my mom, no one would love her and look after her like we do.

i know what you mean on the acting. omg i go throught that to, my sister comes down once in a blue moon and she tells me , mom seems fine. lol yeah right after she leaves my mom turns back to that person i do not know, funny how they can do that. and when we have someone new come over or even go to dr she seems to be more in touch with the world. not sure why maybe because they do have pride and they can know when to be more  into whats going on at that moment not sure thought, but yes i go throught that all the time.

my biggest thing is she walks so so so slow and its a almost push her along. and if i say mom you need to walk a little faster she will get slower. shes teaching me to slow down in life lol.
sad your sister in law did that with out talking to you , am glad you got all that back to normal for you and her .

as far as time your right they have none, my mom will ask me every 5 mints what time is it, or day and she can eat and 10 mins later says she needs to eat her lunch. so i give her just enought to make her happy but not to much to over feed her . shes gained a few pds from that so buying better snacks to help her out ,th extra weight will be bad for her and me as to i have to pull her up off the chairs/bed she cant get up byself.

i know how you feel as far as being alone, its so hard and to have no help is so bab. have you checked into what your state will help you out with. there is help out there we just have to find it. am going to start looking in to what i can get help with. i know there are people that come out bathe them and give you a fw hours here and therre . i will look into it and let you know what i can find out. have a blessed day and take sometime for yourself. Barbara
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Avatar universal
thank you for the open invitation to talk to you. I imagine I will use it. It has been trying off and on. When mom gets tired she becomes more difficult but dont we all :). She however becomes incredible scattered and falls apart memory wise. We went to the coin was yesturday and she insisted on standing in front of the dryer watching the clothes go around. I kept asking her to come and sit down. Finally she did. I asked her why she was over there and she said she needed to be there to take them out as soon as they were dry so they wouldnt wrinkle, (they had been in all of a couple of minutes) she has no concept of time any more. If I get up to check on something she follows me like a little puppy. I have a constant shadow. She is hard of hearing so turns the TV up to ten decibles when I go into my room to escape and to watch somthing different on my set she comes in there to see what I am doing without knowcking. I have started getting atypical migraines, cant be from the stress. I have on average four a week. no pain usually just aura, muscle trembling of the face,vision flickering and feeling unweel during it. My Dr has increased my anti seizure meds in a effort to stop them. hope it works.
  We went to get a new power of attorney made today. She had one with me as power of attorney for over twelve years but while I was in the hospital she decided I was sick so she would name my sister in law power of attorney.Didnt even discuss it with me. Obviously was not in a clear frame of mind. I cant believe my sister in law did that with out talking to me but she did took mom to the bank and had a notary republic change it over.  Now mom is living with me they are not helping or even speaking to mom and I had to take her to have it changed again because of that ridiculaous mess. My lawyer assessed her and found her competent enough to change the power of attorney. She puts on the m ost ridiculous little act when she meets people. it absolutely makes me want to wretch sometimes, that sounds horrible but if you could see what I deal with at times and then see her sweet little old lady act to them you would get what I meen. Oh my gosh! When the lawyer left the room I told her she should get some sort of award for acting likd such a sweet little old lady and she just smiled like a cat and said I am a sweet little old lady and then pinched me so hard she left a horrible bruise. Now she is mad because I told the lawyer to make my brother in Missouri the alternate to care for her if something happens to me. She said it should have been my brother in our home town here in this state but he wont answer the phone when we call or talk to her so how is he supposed to care for her? I dont believe he would have her best interests at heart he is spoiled and has made some poor life decisions that I dont want my mom involved in. My brother in Missouri is a minister and would if nesseccary move mom down there with him if I was no longer able to care for her.
  It does become a mess doesnt it? There is so much to think of and the family that you think will back you up reverts back to their childhood ways and acts the way they did when you were kids instead of like the adults they need to act like. I feel like the one and only adult in the whole damn situation and sometimes it is incredibly lonely and painful. Thank heavens for this forum.
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212161 tn?1599427282
COMMUNITY LEADER
glad to see ya are going to enjoy her birthday. i try to make each day a better one for my mom, knowing what lays ahead of us.  my mom also loves pretty flowers so i try and keep flowers in her house so she can enjoy them. take care and know am here if you need to talk . Barbara
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Avatar universal
thank you for your words of advice. Today is my moms 87th birthday. I will bake her a cake and invite a few close family and friends to come over. This will most likely be the last birthday she will be able to really participate in. I bought her two six packs of pansies her favorite flower and we will plant them in a container by the back door so she can enjoy them everytime we go in and out. She will also be able to see them from the kitche. She has had some good days lately but we have just been home with a very stable schedual. Things fall apart when we go away from home or we have to go to her apartment to sort through items. That is done thank heavens. I dont know what the future holds for us, I dont think it will be good. God has always cared for me and I ask his intervention for us in this also and trust in his judment as always. I wish for one thing for her today that my selfish brother in my home town would call her and tell her he is sorry for acting so horrible to her and I wish my brother in Missouri would show up to see her today. Neither will happen but that is what she wants above all else for her birthday. My brothers will someday be incredibley sorry or maybe they wont. maybe they just dont get it. Thank you  for your post.
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212161 tn?1599427282
COMMUNITY LEADER
i think that was a wise move to not leave her byself. in the begaining my mom agreed to never being byself but as she got futher into it , it made her mad that we would not let her stay byself, she forgets she has this problem. there are times shes great and 5 mins later she hard to deal with. we took her to see a new phy and she has put her on a pill called respadome its to help when shes not being nice and hard to handle, we are trying it out. plese know that when your mom startes turning on you that its not her. my mom has always been a very sweet lady but this has changed her sometimes into a mean old lady, she has wished me death and tells others me and her hubby are going to kill her. it gets really bad for the care takers and you will need help you can not do it byself. its good for others to see that its not a easy job to do. my mom also takes zoloft and klonopin to help with her confuseing and nerves. not sure what we would do without the pills. i pray your mom has a great weekend and that hers moves very slow so ya can have good times together. that part is gone for me and my mom she lives in the past and never feels good or wants to go off. so take every min you can and try and make it good for her.
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Avatar universal
  I talked with mom last night when things were pretty lucid. We agreed she would not stay alone any more because she looses track of time and I dont want her to be afraid. I told her if I need to go somewhere alone we will get someone to come and sit with her while I am gone. I could tell she felt badly that this is happening to her and it has come to that but she agreed. I have a Dr appointment next week that I need my son to take me to, my daughter in law said that she and the kids would come along and we would bring Mom too. No one really understands how tired and confused she gets in unfamiliar areas until they see it for themselves. It would be better if they could stay at home with her, but they need to see what happens for themselves I guess.
  I have had cognitive difficulties in the past from a pretty nasty health issue myself. I feel I can empathize with my mom because I see her struggling with money and paper work and the look on her face is the feelings I have when the fog descends. The relief when it lifts is profound, but I always dread the times it will return with flares. I imagine that I am most suited to deal with her because of my experiences, I have walked in her moccasins so to speak. The difference is she will not have the fog lift.
  Is there anything her Dr. can give to her to make her not become so upset? She is very sensative to medicine so most pills seem to work oddly on her. She will not take a sleeping pill as she is afraid she will not wake up at night and will wet the bed.
  Any other experiences or advice is appreciated. Thank you heartfluttersflyawayplz for you post and I hope things become easier for you somehow.
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212161 tn?1599427282
COMMUNITY LEADER
first let me say am so sorry its all on you . am in the same boat. you need to get help now before you end up hating your mother because belive me it can happen. my dad is still alive they both live with me. i keep my mom when he works 3 days a week and its really getting to me. not sure how much i can take. but i can tell you .you can not do it all by yourself.   my mom can no longer be by herself, if your mom is scared than . she needs someone there .  i would not leave her anymore . hire someone to help you out. or place her in a home. it will kill me to have to put my mom there but am 51 and living like a old lady staying home with her and dad . something has to give. dont let your life slip away. hire someone or place her somewhere .
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