Anger Outbursts

My boyfriend is a very loving man. He's hard-working and strives for making our lives comfortable. He truly loves me and tells me how much he appreciates me, all the time. However, there is a side of him that I do not know how to deal with. I can ask (or what I think are) simple questions or make simple statements and he will instantly get angry and start saying hurtful things. Ex: He came home yesterday from work and said that he saw his buddy outside about to go to the store so he let him use his vehicle (even though his buddy had a car). So, I asked, "Why does "Buddy" have your car?". (Thinking that maybe Buddy's car was broken or something). He immediately replies, "Cuz I want to!..why do I need to have a reason to let someone use my car?!...Always asking stupid questions!!!...I'm sick of this ****!! And so on and so forth. All of our arguments are stemmed from how he talks to me when he is angry and why he is angry over something so trivial. That's where ALL of our arguments begin. Another example: I told him that I understand that he works long hours but that our intimate times are becoming less and less and that I was concerned and didn't want us to lose that. And then......"I can't do nothing right with you!!...I always have to hear about what I'm doing wrong!!!....Maybe you need someone who can satisfy you more than me!!!...on and on. And he won't stop; he continues muttering hurtful and resentful things and when I get upset or emotional because of what he's saying or how he's acting, then he starts with telling me how I cry too much, I'm too sensitive, all I do is whine..just to name a few.  I'm starting to walk on eggshells and second guess what I'm going to say before I say it. His "Fight or Flight" response is Flight; to not help rectify the problem, but to condemn it and say that he'd rather let me be free if I can't handle the person that he is. He's in total denial and I can't attempt to help him without him wanting to throw in the towel. Our relationship would be ideal if it weren't for these exaggerated outbursts and being that he projects the anger to me and doesn't see that it's a problem, I know that he won't entertain the idea of anger management techniques, etc. What do I do?!  I'm so confused.

[margypops]

You have to stand up to him or it will continue ,perhaps get worse. When he does it walk away , do not listen to a tirade, say nothing just leave the room, when hes in a good mood , you could speak to him and tell him it is abusive to speak to you that way and you do not like it.You have to mean it, you have to stand up as if you choose ignore it he has the upper hand and will control. He may need some counselling as they dont always change very easily,Possibly this is a learned behavior from his Family. Good Luck, you dont have to take it, there are books out there arbout verbal abuse it is very demeaning and will affect your self esteem .

[caregiver222]

The one thing I should have learned is never to get involved in boy-girl relationships, because there is always a "missing piece".

Nevertheless, one of my buddies if a psychiatrist and we have been discussing this kind of behavior recently. He calls it: the "apples, oranges, and pears" syndrome. You say you like oranges, and the other person calls you an idiot and says "pears" are best. But had you said "oranges" they would call you and idiot and say "apples" are best. If you had picked "apples" then their reply would be to ridicule you and say "pears" or "oranges". In all cases the word "idiot" is the operant word.

This is psychologically abusive behavior. It is demeaning and you don't have to put up with it. It is common in the elderly with chronic brain syndrome. Unfortunately, it does not get better. Counseling doesn't help.

My two cents worth it to be free and open with him and then, if nothing improves, find another life. This isn't going to get better. And you will end up with a knot in the pit of your stomach every day for the rest of your life.

It isn't you. This kind of behavior on the part of your significant other is rude, hurtful, crude, and inexcuseable. It stinks.

It's a big world.

There are lots of nice guys out there who don't have mental problems.

[LadyG835]

He's out! Had to let him go. Peace!

[younggrandmother]

  He's out !  Can you tell us what happen?

[margypops]

Good for you , how are you feeling ..

[gumbygumby]

Wow, somebody just got dumped because of what you said caregiver? Seems like you couldnt "give" a "care" about his feelings, right?

[margypops]

Did you read any of LadyG835 post ??

[gumbygumby]

Did YOU read this part?

"My boyfriend is a very loving man. He's hard-working and strives for making our lives comfortable. He truly loves me and tells me how much he appreciates me, all the time."

I dont want to be a jerk, but whatever, I'll say it. His reactions seem like the exact reactions of somebody who IS BEING ANNOYED CONSTANTLY by her.

Why was she at an anger management health board if she didnt want to help him with his anger management? She came to an anger management board to listen to one response then dump him? Puh-leeeease.

[jahnmt]

Good for you!  If you don't take care of yourself, then who will?  A life of emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse. You deserve peace, love and a full life.  My advice is to be very careful in your next relationship.  Women of abuse have a tendency to migrate toward the same type of man and you may suffer this abuse again.  Don't get into another relationship for a long period of time.  A good amount of time, is the same amount of time as the previous relationship, however if it was lengthy, say for a year or more, then wait 7 or 8 months.  You have to break the cycle.  Find a church, loving friends, family to spend time with.  Just realize that you are NOT to blame.  No matter what you said or did, you did not deserve and were not responsibe for this type of response from him.  Very rarely do they change their spots.  Good Luck, I hope things work out well for you.

[specialmom]

Just wanted to add that people who respond as your X boyfriend did make that their habit.  They don't feel remorse afterward because it is their rote response to any frustration.  Often it will have NOTHING to do with you but a bad day at work or something like that.  They feel out of control in other areas of their life and thus, push around verbally the one they are closest to. He most likely is very insecure and had someone treat him this way as a child.  But who cares as you shouldn't have to live with the aftermath of that.  This habit is tough---Rarely can one break it.  They must be VERY motivated and willing to put in the effort.  It usually is a lifetime trait and gets worse and worse.  Pressures mount as kids and additional bills are added in and these people start exploding even further.  I personally think that those "little" comments are the ones that kill a relationship.  They chip away at the foundation until it will crumble.  Believe not the one who says you were annoying-----  I have seen men (and women) like your X before and that is their lifetime pattern.  He will treat every woman he is with the same way----  

So good for you for being strong enough to move on!!!!  That takes guts and now you know what type of guy you don't want next time!  Good luck and do something extra nice for yourself!

[LadyG835]

It was nothing that anyone posted that made me kick him out. It had gotten to the point where everything made him angry. The last time was THE last time for me. And I was not annoying him. It's true what specialmom said..."They feel out of control in other areas of their life and thus, push around verbally the one they are closest to". And how can anyone say that it seems as though his reactions were because of me, if they weren't there? You don't understand what little things would set him off. All I know is that I have peace now and that's what matters.