Anger causes Alienation from Family...

This is such a long story and one that i've grown quiet tired of..but here goes. I moved to the city where i live now about 16 years ago with my husband and 3 children. My husband's family are all here and for the past several years we've gotten along just fine..until last Christmas Eve. There was a family get together for dinner at 5:30 that evening..my husband went ahead with the kids cause i was running late. I missed dinner but that was okay with me but not with my sister in law.

She met me when i walked in to give her a hug and proceeded to tear into me. She told me that she'd taken enough psychology classes to know that i did it on purpose and so on. It was embarrassing which she revealed later to be her intention so i wouldn't do it again. When i came home that nite i sent her an email asking why she felt the need to do that and she could have pulled me aside privately.

It turned into a back and forth conversation to which i apologized again and again in hopes of getting past this. Instead she forwarded my emails to everyone that was there that nite saying how abusive i was and how there would never be anymore family get togethers because of me.

My son sent her an email that told her of how abusive she has been to others in the family and how he has heard their stories and seen it. He pretty much told her off but in a very eloquent way..no profanity was used towards her.
Okay, so it's been almost 9 months now and i've pretty much been disowned by his family..i'm not allowed to come to family get togethers now. So i've just been sitting at home..i've allowed the rejection to just sit in here and haven't dealt with it cause i thought i'd forgiven all..until the other nite when i just exploded.

My son came for a visit about 2 weeks ago and the family was outa town..they've disowned him too because of his message to her. Anyway, he stopped by to see her ex-husband while he was here and their daughter just happened to be there. When she got back and found out my son had been there when her daughter was she immediately went off on her ex and threatened him..probably won't let him see his daughter.

Her ex contacted my son and asked if he could please write her an apology letter thinking it would fix the situation. I talked to him the other nite only to find out that she wanted another one cause she didn't like the first one. I just thought of the 4 that i sent 9 months ago to which she rejected. I could just see her making my son beg until he got it right for her own amusement. I snapped and sent her a message on facebook that i shouldn't have..i was so angry and upset over how long this has dragged on and didn't want her to keep this going.

I said ALOT of things that i shouldn't have and the next morning i had my mother and father in-law running down my hallway at 7am yelling and screaming at me and threatening to strangle me. My kids were getting ready for the 1st day back at school and the whole thing was upsetting. There is a funeral on Thurs. and i was told not to go..my husband won't go if i can't..or to other family get togethers. This is so messed up and i have hardly been able to eat or sleep and now it's affecting my husband and kids. I don't want that for him because they are really close.

This has been really hard and although i did what i did, it just didn't seem to matter cause she wasn't gonna let the first thing go. It's been really hard to live here and feel rejected. Now i'm afraid i've sealed the deal because i let it get to me. Now what?

[caregiver222]

The first thing to do is to stop blaming ourself for the situation.

You are dealing with mental illness on the part of these people. Chronic brain syndrome. They have headspace and timing problems, your sister-in-law being the one who is the furthest from the planet earth.

You may not be able to straighten things out, no matter how much you apologize. You have to realize that you are dealing with a person who comes into a room and focus's on the dust.

You lost your temper.

That's what's called being human.

Your sister-in-law has brain damage, and there is nothing you can do about that.

It seems to me you have done absolutely positively nothing wrong. Sometimes these situations are structured to be "no-win".

If you do your best and things can't be resolved, it's their loss. Not yours.

As far as being "would not to go to a funeral" that is a really low-class comment and inappropriate in any age.

I don't have any easy answer, but from reading your post, I think it's time to give yourself a hug.

[pegatha1981]

Thank you caregiver..i needed that and surely was in need of a hug..but instead had to get more and more of "why did you say that"..it is my husband's family afterall. It seems like i'm alone in all of this and have been talking about moving as soon as the kids graduate. I'm gonna move on and enjoy my life.

I really do like peace, and usually try to be the peacemaker..that's why i don't get it when someone doesn't want that..makes me want to slap someone, and that ain't cool either. I don't like the feelings that have come outa all of this..i managed to fix it where i'm pretty sure things have changed. I guarantee this girl is used to gettin' her way and sayin' and doin' what she wants..i didn't get that memo..i'm not on her payroll so she should know how to treat people..maybe someday she will if they get in her face and tell her "NO"...there's a novel idea.

I'm not very good at playin kiss a** and these guys seem to do well with a very sterile, facade..how can you know someone for 20 years and everytime you enter the room for a family event it's like "Hi, how are you?" (huhh)..and it doesn't go any deeper than that.
I like relationships that are real and have depth and yes sometimes they can get messy but you work thru it if you are human at all and not some stone statue without a heart.

How can you shun someone on Christmas Eve and continue to do so for the following
year. It's a power trip of rejection and alienation and i'm just supposed to sit over in my little corner of town while they talk their stuff about me..ok, maybe you can see that i need an outlet and although i slapped her in the "Face"book..i know it was wrong, but it felt good even though i know i'm gonna have to answer to God for that.

Probably wasn't worth it but it's done, and now i have damage control to do. Either way, things will be different. I guess my reason was that if you want to write me of..i'm gonna give you a reason to..there will be no grey areas and shadows for you to hide behind.

Thanks for listening and responding..although i wasn't able to attend the service yesterday, i did get to sign an online guestbook. We'll see how this all turns out. My husbands birthday is on Sun the 22, and we all used to do stuff together with his family. I guess we'll do something intimate and fun and hope he'll love it just as much or more.

Have a great day and
Okay, so give yourself a big hug for being such an awesome person =o)

[jakl726]

i hope your husband's birthday went well.
i just wanted to share a few thoughts on this .. whatever its worth.
when my husband and i went for couple counseling, our counselor told us (1)  that we are now 'family' and that our siblings and parents are extended family.  that was hard for us to take as we see our siblings and parents as family... one that would blend with the family that we are starting.  but i saw the counselors point of view.  you and your husband (and your children) should have an understanding as family that you should not let the situation with your sis-in-law get in between the family.  (2)  she is your husband's sister after all, and his family.  sounds like there is a heirarchy in his family and even he cannot stand up against his sister and tell her to back off b/c you are his wife.  my husband and i have an agreement that we will deal with our own family (parents and siblings) and we will intervene for each other.  your husband should have dealt with his sister from that evening.  did he even try???  just curious.

unfortunately, in-laws are difficult to deal with.  i'm in an inter-racial marriage and his family has always been cold to me.  their greetings doesn't go beyond the 'how are you?' if i even get lucky... i think often it was just 'hi'... that's it.  his sister is getting married this weekend and i cannot go b/c i had a miscarriage.  my husband doesn't want to go without me (and deep down i don't want him to go without me too) b/c we are family... but i know it is his sister and it is a wedding.  so i'm forcing him to go but when he told them why i cannot go due to a miscarriage.. all they said was 'oh...sorry... so when are you coming?'... meaning to the wedding.  no more than a second was spent on the fact that i had a miscarriage.  i was upset and hurt and i told my husband that.  he understands and i said i would not let them affect me....as long as i know that in the end i have my husband.

i hope this helps.  don't worry about your in-laws.  talk to your husband and make sure he understands where you are coming from.  your in-laws doesn't deserve any response from you... not even time.  so don't waste any.  if they do something to you.. ignore them.

good luck!

[brice1967]

Oh, this woman is a control freak.  Plain and simple, she needs to feel as if she is in charge.  And Ive run into enough idiots who have "taken enough psychology courses" some even with degrees, that are more screwed up than a soup sandwich.

Chances are, the only thing this woman has going for her is that she is on time.  If your husband was worth his salt, he'd lay into this woman-tell her to straighten up  or youre all out.  (I am that kind of person, jus stubborn enough that if someone doesnt accept my wife or another family member, I cut em off!)

I have an ex-friend that is pretty big in the psychology field in our small community.  Professionally, she is adored and is probably half good at her job.  Her personal life is a wreck!  Numerous failed relationships, numerous failed friendships, eating disorders, bad drinking problems......and she is out trying to help people with psychological problems.  If she was working with anyone I knew, especially family, I'd intervene immediately!  I've often wanted to expose her DUI records to her employer.... but dont have it in me at this time.  WE havent talked in years, and frankly she isnt worth the effort.

What I am trying to get to there is, these people end up exposing themselves eventually.  Soon, everyone gets the real picture.  Whats kind of funny is that some with try to insulate this person, but even they begin to have their doubts.  

Have your husband pony up to his family and this woman in particular.  Have hi tell them that if they have a problem, to sit down and talk it over.  With this woman....I'd tell her to shove off!  When you do do it, or he does it, it would be most convenient if it could be around a group of people that are on to her crap.  Do it graciously...."...listen, I know you have a problem with me, but I feel as if you are taking your short comings out on me.  I dont care to listen to any of your bull**** anymore, and dont care to listen to you breathe my air.  Dont talk to me anymore...dont say a thing.  if I bother you that much, I am not worth talking to....now go sit down and try to impress the rest of the room with how good and smart you are.....you have a semi captive audience."

The proper way to do this and get the most impact out of it is to keep a friendly look on your face, and if you can face the crowd...better!  Talk in a friendly voice, in a volume only she and you can hear.  Keep a smile on your face, and when you've said your part walk away and greet the nearest guest to you.  I guarantee this woman will probably **** down both legs, then do soemthing to totally embarrass herself.

I learned this technique while in the bar business, and it works wonders while throwing drunks out of saloons.  It works well in almost any confrontation...matter of fact, I have never had it go wrong.

[brice1967]

The key to the above statement is, always keep your cool.  Let her or them over react.  You stay in control, keep your head straight.  You find too, that this technique becomes easy to use and you can refine it to address almost any situation.  Practice it with your husband.

I have walked into situations in the bar that seemed very volatile...people yelling, swearing, poking each other in the chest.  I simply walked up and said in a voice that only they can hear...."ok, thats going to be enough of this.  I dont care whats going on, but your arguement is bothering numerous people who have spent good money to come in here and enjoy themselves.  Youre ruining that for everyone.  Its time for you to grab your stuff and walk with me to the front door where I have a cab waiting for you".  About this time they will have something smart assed to say...something like....."You cant throw me out!!!  You aint man enough!!!"  Thats where you have them.  You then say, 'look, I am not throwing you out, I am simply asking you to leave.  If you dont, I will call the cops and you'll be arrested, then embarrassed or there is option "B" where I grab your (blankety blankety blankety) throat and your next breath will be outside whith the paramedics bringing you around."  Keep in mind, you dont look mad and your very peaceful in your demeanor...

Ive had other customer come up and say, "what did you say to that guy?'' to which I reply that "he and I duscussed all possible options and he decided it was best to go home for the evening.....

[brianharris]

Anger management is very necessary. A person who is able control himself will find it easier to control any situation without being nervous.

Decisions taken with cool head are always correct. Don't be in the situtation where you need to take decisions in a hurry. Stay calm and composed. Not reacting to any situation instantly serves the cause.