He is always so angry

[rockatmyshow]

Ok, my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and for MONTHS now he lashes out in anger over things that would never been, in my mind, a reason to get angry. For example, today I woke to the bed shaking, he got out of bed and yelled at my daughter loudly "SHUTUP" mind you I never talk to my daughter that way, and neither will he if I have anything to do with it. She is two years old and playing in her room with her "babies" is no reason to yell at her like that, the reason he was yelling at her is because, he didn't climax, this is morning, hence the shaking bed. Then he tells me I woke him up this morning masturbating,,, I'm sorry but I think that I would know if I were masturbating that isn't something that I missed lol. So I'm lying because I said no I did not wake you up from that, even though I didn't even go in the bedroom until he was about to wake up because I work nights. Then he comes in the bedroom yells at me and tells me to wake the **** up and get my kid this is seconds after he yelled at her, i am sorry the story is jumping around. He starts cussing and throwing the dishes in the sink around while he is cleaning them, this is at like 7 am, I don't know anyone that cleans the second their eyes pop open. Then starts cussing about something else and goes outside. When he comes back in he is fine for awhile. I cooked breakfast, we ate no big deal things were fine, he goes outside again comes back in yelling again asking me why my daughter's window is open, (air conditioning is not on BTW) and asks how it got open well we had a bad storm here so the wind probably blew in open it does every time there is a storm, Dakotah is too small to reach the lever to open it and then tells me I'm lying and that i opened the window and it shouldn't be open. Really? its hot out theres no air on and is it really that big of a deal. I didn't say anything I just went and cleaned up breakfast messes. He tells me that since my two jobs don't add up to his roofing job it is my job to clean the house have dinner on the table when he gets home. basically cater to him. and right now he is happy as a song bird, i just don't get it. does anyone else see a problem with this? I looked up Bipolar disorder I don't think thats it, but if anyone could shed some light, that would be fantastic, because my head is about to explode. Thank you!

[margypops]

Well you certainly have to get tough on him, this will get worse and yelling at a2 year old like that is not good, you have to talk to him, tell him this is not the behavior you or your child expect, he could use some anger management and counselling. you say he wont talk to your daughter like that but he did,....It doesnt matter what he may have in the way of a disorder it is not good for children to see or hear this and it will get worse if not dealt with by you,it is up to you her Mom to protect her. Tell him to start off by seeing the Doctor.

[rockatmyshow]

I said I don't talk to her that way. not that he doesn't, and that he wouldnt again if I had anything to do with it. My daughter is the most important person in this universe to me. I applied for an apartment awhile back and am slowly moving up on the waiting list it is either stay here until i get the apt. or live in the car, i am not being a bad mother by keeping a roof over my daughter's head, when he gets really bad I pack her up and we leave somewhere. I did not feel that it was right to lay out my ENTIRE life out on the table just yet. I love my daughter more than anyone but am not completely heartless when it come to others either. I did research on Bipolar disorder and it says that it can affect not just the patient but everyone else in the household as well. It also says that it can lead to suicide and I am not going to breakup and leave him COMPLETELY without getting him some sort of help like I said I do not think that he is bipolar because i dont see him being depressed as much as i see the anger. I read up on something called Anger Stage it says that they will burst out it a fit of rage over things that are little or nothing at all, it also says to stick through it and just let them calm down on their own and not to instigate it or it could relapse and start all over or get worse. I never fight with him while my daughter is around. she doesn't need to see a fight as much as she doesnt need to be around him while he is in a fit. This is why we leave. I think that you misread or misunderstood what I was saying. if he leaves somewhere we dont have to, we just stay away from him when he is mad.

[margypops]

Sorry if you think I misread, I read your post again and I still think it would be a good thing  to not be there , whatever you say children are affected by temper and yelling , if he has an anger problem it could escalate, I do not believe that calming them down is enough. But that is my opinion in response to your post .

[rockatmyshow]

You misread again. I am on a waiting list for an apartment. aka WE ARE LEAVING. I am not stupid I know that my daughter does not need to be around this, and WE LEAVE when he gets that way. you told me I need get tough on him, but i need to leave, My child shouldn't be around this, but I need to tell him to see a doctor, and calming him down isn't enough so we should leave. I never said i calm him down I just leave him alone. What I said was that we leave when he gets mad I pack her up into the car and leave, whether it is to my parents, or a friends house. So my daughter is fine and never around him in his fits. I do not fight with him in front of her. I take care of my daughter just fine. what I was writing about was what sort of disorder he may have, you say it doesn't matter, but it certainly does. Whether my daughter and I live here or not no one who needs help, especially when I have such a long past relationship with him, is going to have a back turned. I am not trying to sound mean but you make no sense, you are bouncing around with what advice you are giving and making this about my daughter when I have already said that I take her elsewhere. All I was inquiring about was what My boyfriend may have and how to fix it so that he may live a healthier life. Not about what I should do with my child. What kind of classes and/or Doctor should he be seeing. I appreciate what you are trying to do. But I was in a real abusive relationship for two years, This man would do whatever he had to ... take my keys, phone, car. to keep me around while he wasn't. That was the hardest thing to get away and when i finally did it was a weight lifted. That man happens to be my child's father. I would NEVER put her in a situation like that again even if I myself had to die to keep her from it. My boyfriend now isn't even half of what Kotah's dad was and I know the signs of a man who is going to be abusive in anyway. I have taken classes on it and am very good with therapy. I am not however, familiar with anger management or anger disorders. This is what I am learning about, but I have done my research and am getting a better idead of what to do. Thank you for you're time and advice.

[kathy434]

Dear rocka,
     Your boyfriend cannot be diagnosed by anybody but a Psychiatrist.  And it is up to HIM to get his body to that doctor...because he has realized he has an anger problem and needs help.  It is NOT your job to fix him or try to understand his psych.  He is old enough to take on that responsibility on his own.  Tell him he needs help and that he should go get it.  The decision he makes about that will be very clear to you as to what his true concern is.
     You and your daughter do not need to put up with his anger, cussing, slamming things, accusations, etc.  You are not his mother.  You two should not need to leave your home when he gets angry as you discribed.  He should leave the house and give you two peace and quiet.  While you may be well versed on abusive behavior, you still don't recognize abuse.  Your boyfriend is verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusing you and your daughter.
     One obvious attitude of his is that he feels superior to you.  He speaks to you like you are less than human.  He speaks to your daughter like she is a nothing.  You work two jobs, plus you raise a daughter 24-7.  Girl, if that wasn't enough for him, then he needs to work two or more jobs.
     You mentioned that you can go to your parent's home, or a friend's home.  It would be my recommendation that you see if you can move now to one of these homes to protect your and your daughter's mental health.  Let the guy deal with his anger issues on his own.  He's a big boy now and he truly does not need your help.  Cut the apron strings and move on to better pastures.

[kathy434]

Dear Rocka,
     I need to add more.  One thing is THANK GOD YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO THIS GUY.  You are free to leave and never come back.  He has no hold on you, unless you are again the victim of abuse and you feel that you owe him his health and this "loyalty" to the relationship.
     I know a couple, married for a good many years.  He has ALWAYS had an anger issue.  As well, he wants to control her totally.  He listens in on all of her calls, in and out, he reads all of her emails, he is trying to cut her off from her family and friends.  He is a rageaholic, threatens self harm to make her feel she must protect him by doing exactly what he says.  He is in anger management, but he is refusing to let any good come from it.  He has not changed.  
     On the flipside she is on the brink of disaster herself, trying to deal with somebody she hates, who frustrates her, who belittles her, who makes her feel that she CAN'T leave.  She also will defend him too, as abused victims will, and will not listen to reason from other people.
     I also grew up in a home with a rageaholic who physically, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally abused me with total disregard.  It began when I was a baby.  I remember some of those incidents in that life.  IT NEARLY KILLED ME!  I have had many years of counseling, plus I worked 10 years in a women's help center for victims of abuse.  I know abuse when I read or see it.  I chose no contact with my abusers as they have demonstrated that they have not made any changes in their behavior.  We are related, but I own them NOTHING.  I am happier today.
     I also recommend that YOU get counseling regarding your relationships because until you truly understand what is and is not healthy, you will continue to repeat these unhealthy relationships.  Your daughter not only needs your protection, she needs to grow up knowing what to expect in a healthy relationship when she starts to date and then marry.  You need to stop this cycle of abuse now so your daughter will mirror healthy behaviors in her future and you will also find somebody who truly loves you and treats you with respect and dignity.  You deserve no less.

[jo929]

If you are leaving and that is what you should do, why should you even bother to try and find out what is wrong, you cant help him, he can only help himself, and sometimes anger turns into abuse  luck  jo

[rockatmyshow]

I know that where I am at is unhealthy and I appreciate all the advice. i want to move in with my parents but unfortunately there is no room anywhere. I have been trying to find storage for all of my things to. I just can not handle this anymore, His mood swings are just too much. And you are right I don't want my daughter around this, this is the reason that she does not see her father anymore. i like talking about it, because when someone really is listening it is easier to get some of this off of my chest. I thank you all for your input and please write again if you will. You are all helping motivate me to make these baby steps a little bit bigger. Thank you!

[margypops]

You are welcome and I read positiveness in your post what you are going to do, it isnt easy, ,I walked in your daughters shoes, talking with us is a good thing you can see we are all on the same page, we will motivate you. ..

[verlyn2]

Verlyn2 here, I have address this subject with angry men.It is a very un healthy situation for all folks to be involve in. He isn't happy and perhaps he needs to be in contact with a Dr.he can be diagnosis correctly and medicated also in therapy. I severt a relationship years ago from someone with similar issues.No one could ever make this person happy and they hate themselves along with insecurities and want their companions to feel just like them but worse and they want to be in control of everything!!!!!!!

[verlyn2]

Verlyn2,Does this guy brag all the time about what he owns,wants everything  done his way, women in his eyes are worth no value only to be used for  his pleasures what ever that maybe! A woman opinion is worthless he will choose a man advice over a woman even if the woman  opinion is correct, he will never let the woman know it? That ex boy-friend of mine can not understand why all of his marriage have failed and why we never connected? Wow ,I wonder why!

[kathy434]

I am on your side 100% as long as it is your goal to split up with this rageaholic.  You seem intelligent and aware of the harm he is doing to you both.
One question I have is, did you move in with him, or did he move in with you?  Your post suggested that you have most of the items in your household.
If it is a case where he moved in with you, then you don't need to go anywhere.  It is your boyfriend who must leave your home, NOW.  If this is the case, and he refuses to leave, then call the police to have him removed, for reasons that he has anger problems and is abusive to you and your baby, and refuses to leave the your home.  Sign a Protection From Abuse Order that orders him to stay away from you, physically, verbally, your home, your daughter, your workplace, school, telephone, computer, church and a significant distance from you when you are out in public.  The first PFA is temporary, and if he continues to be a nusiance, then sign a permanent PfA against him.  This also requires that YOU don't break any of these rules too, like contacting him, visiting him, accepting calls from him, letting him come over.....YOU cannot break PFA rules either.  This is a legal document and it is to help you take a stand for yourself and your daughter.  If you break any of these rules, the PFA can be nulified.  If he breaks any rule, you can contact the police and he will be arrested.  You also must be willing to press charges if it is necessary.  There is nothing more frustrating for police than a woman who acts wishy-washy about PFA.  These orders are to protect you and your daughter from him.  It is serious business.  So think it over.

[rockatmyshow]

He def does think we are still in the 50's where a woman should do everything for the man only unlike then he also thinks that we should work as well. I work two jobs and take care of my daughter I dont need to be taking care of everything else as well. especially him. I have had an order of protection before and I know how they work but I had an apartment and stupidly moved in with him so it is his place but everything from my apartment ( furniture, apliances, etc) is in the basement.

[kathy434]

How far down the list are you at this point?  In other words, how much longer is your wait going to be for housing?
If this is going to take several months yet or more, you need to make other arrangements now to get a different apartment.  It may be just a studio for now, but it will be your own peace and quiet.  Determine if you can take your stuff then, and if not, then start selling it off to get out from under that burden, and also gives you money to function with.  But make a move in a direction to get out.  Perhaps your friends and parents can lend money to you to help you make this move in the right direction.  You must repay them over time in good faith.
Check all the newpaper ads every day.  You might even be able to negotiate with a potential landlord to give you some break on rent for a few months.  Worth a try.
I don't know what your jobs are, but it is obvious they don't pay well enough for your needs.  I recommend that you go to the Employment Office and see what jobs may be available that you can qualify for that will pay more money.  You may consider Welfare for the period so you could get some schooling to qualify for a job that pays far better.  If you haven't graduated from high school, you must make the effort to get your GED.  A door is opening for you to start moving on your behalf.  You must take that first step.

[rockatmyshow]

I have graduated... 5 years ago.. I will not sell the things that I have because I cant afford to buy it again and most of it was my great grandmothers, if I sell all of that and use the money for other things then I wont have what I need to move into another place. I am trying to sell my car but no one is buying right now because everyone is losing their jobs. Unfortunately times are hard for everyone right now. I cant move into a studio apartment because my daughter needs her own room otherwise that girl will never sleep... I am talking to my grandparents about moving into their house. No one is living in it.. but they said it needs some things before it is livable.. I am trying like h*ll to get out of here,, I am not a slave nor am I ever going to cater to him.. that is not what a relationship is about.. I can not stand it here and I am just waiting for the door to crack so I can get our sh*t and vacate! lol... I simply can not wait.

[meyveliz06]

rockatmyshow I dont think that you were appreciating margypops advice your here to read other peoples comments and understand them. Obviously we dont live with you and we dont know how you are. But if your asking for advice it would be best to take consideration that others have read your post. We are here to help you and to be honest my husband had the same thing, he would snap for any little thing. They can only help themselves, all you can offer is your support. Good luck and GODBLESS

[kathy434]

Hi,
That would be great that you can possibly move to your grandparent's home.  I can understand why you want to keep your stuff.  I would too.  Is your car payments making it hard on you?  If not, I recommend that you keep your car.  Having wheels gives you much more independence than not having them.  It makes it easier to comute to work, family, friends, school, if you decide, and the laundromat, should your clothes washer decide to fail.  It provides you with a way of moving your things too.  Like at a Uhaul they provide you with the hitch and the trailer, if you need.  You wouldn't have to rent a car on top of that.  And Heaven forbid, NEVER LEASE a car.
What all needs to be done to make it liveable at your grandparent's house?  Your most important needs are heat, running water, sanitation, and  a sound roof.  You can install good locks on the doors, fans or air conditioner as you are living there.  Do you sew?  You can also visit the local thrifts for a lot of things you need, for a lot less than what you pay for it in stores.  I think you know the things you require,  You're pretty smart.  I think you will be OK.  While listening to margypops, remember.  You are not married to this guy.  It is not your job to make him well.  If he wants to change that is his own goal.  You two need to live comfortable, free, and happy.  Keep at it.  Your making headway.  K.

[rockatmyshow]

I have a truck also and yes the car payment is very hard to make... I want to sell the car and fix my truck.. I asked my grandparents about moving in and they are talking about it.. They have a big house so I will be able to keep my things. Hopefully I will be able to stay there until I can afford another apartment of my own. And the thing that is frustrating about margypops "advice" that no one seems to see but me is that she changed her mind about  what advice it was that she was giving exactly. I take in the advice that made sense. I know what to do about me. I have been moving out since before I posted this blog. He has known that I am moving out because of the way he acts. Now I know that he can only help himself, I guess I just don't want to be around when he breaks down. I don't want to see him hurt himself because of all of this. I just want to move out and get it over with.. I will never have to see him again, and can just assume that his life went in a better direction. I think that is what will be best.. Thanks for all the advice and all of your input. Things are finally getting rolling and taken care of. Have a good one.

[margypops]

Hey guys how did I get into the middle of all this, margypops this and margypops that ......If you noticed at all I said I apologised and had misread it....Good luck rocket whatever course you choose.

[allmymarbles]

Find someone who makes you laugh. Life is short, kiddo.