I have been with this man since his 2 boys were 3 and 5. First we were friends and he was having a hard time. I gave the boys and him beautiful Christmas's every year and I cooked and cleaned for him. We were friends, worked at same place and I was happy to help. I even babysit while he went on dates. Well, times where tough and we moved in together to save money, fell in love. I've been through 2 cancers with him and he was right by my side on both. I now am on social security. My problem is he is putting his drug using son in front of me all the time. He always trys to be his friend and not a parent. He yells at me all the time and right in front of his son. Yesterday he said he was going to start being a parent and not give him money for weed or phone bills. Yes this boy is going to be 20 this month. This morning asap I got outta bed he said he needed a cigarette for his son (his mother locked the door on him, so he spent the night with us) and he would pay for one. I kinda rolled my eyes, not because he asked, because of the comment he would pay for one. Then it started, he had enough of me, f this and f that. I was walking toward him to get my coat cause I had to run and pay bills and he yelled again, f this and f that. This has been going on for 3 years now. I can't leave, I have no place to go and besides he's a really good man when this son isn't around. I pay the mortage with my ss, he pays the electric and buys food and the rest goes to his son, he finally admitted it. If just once he would yell at his son the way he yells at me????
Hi and welcome. Its very difficult to get in between father and son relationship and on top of that he seems to be taking you for granted. I would just play it week by week and see what develops. I think very shorty that he will realize that his son is just using him. What are your long term plans with him? Have you discussed getting married as from what you describe, your relationship is not very stable.
Life360, if they marry, it will affect the amount of Social Security she gets.
crying54, this is not a loyalty contest between you and the son, address the yelling at you as an issue in itself. I would consider leaving. You say you have no place to go, I am sure you can find somewhere for the money you are spending on rent to cover you and his place even if it is just a room in a shared house. At least you won't be sharing with someone who yells at you all the time. If he is regretful, he will come around and see you the way someone does when they want to be with you. If he doesn't, that will tell you where you stand.
Hi girl, sorry you're having a hard time of it. You've mentioned that he's a really good man when his son isn't around, so does that mean that he only yells when his son is around? You also mentioned that the boy was over, but lives with his mother. How often does this happen? How often is this boy there? What of the other child, do they visit, and are there any problems there?
Can you keep yourself scarce when the kid's are there? Maybe watch tv in your room. If it were me, I would be very polite, but I would let the dad know that because the yelling happens when the son is around, and that you understand the pressures of parenthood so you're going to be scarce when he's there.
Go to the library or on line and see if there's something that you can find that would help your bf deal with this unruly child man.
The fact that your bf said that the boy would pay for the cigarette means that they were trying to show you some respect, or discipline, so when you rolled your eyes it made them feel small for putting in the effort. I realize that it's ridiculous to pay for a cigarette when your bf is giving him money every month, but the fact is that they were trying to let you know that they held you in respect and were not going to take advantage of you, and that to me is a little bit of progress. So, be careful not to shoot down progress. Try to keep all of your interactions, positive. If that's what you want your bf or the son to model.
If you're not willing to leave right now, I would suggest that you start to put away a small amount every month in a savings account for yourself. Would that be a problem? That way, if you wish to down the road, you can get into a rental unit and be able to pick out your own room mate(s). Maybe discuss it with him. Tell him that you should both be saving at least 10% of your income in a savings account for a holiday, or an emergency , or whatever.
If you need to talk privately, I'd be happy to listen. Best wishes. LIz
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