My husband has a big anger problem, but he won't realize it. He get's mad at me all the time, about everything I do. Everything I do or the way I think or see things is wrong. He wants me to be like him, think like him.
When we talk about him fliping out again, he get's mad again and tells me that I AM THE REASON he get's mad.
I try to avoid him or not to listen but he get's really personal sometimes and says things, that he knows hurt me like, about my childhood. When I get emotional or cry, he gets even more mad. My oldest son, his step-son (my son knows my husband since he is a baby. The only dad he knows is my husband) well, I always knew that my husband loved him like his own son . But since we both had 2 more babies I feel like me and my oldest son are nothing but a bug-a-boo to him. My oldest son is a good kid but my husband always finds things to criticize him. He tells me "you and your son are so a like" "I think totally different then you both"... I am from a different country and my husband knows that I have nowhere to go. That's the power he has over me. He said that, if we get a divorse he will make sure that my two youngest will stay with him. I'm a stay-at-hm mom so I have no money for a good lawyer.
My husband had a rough childhood though, his mother was being physically abused by his father. His mother ran away with the kids to a shelter, then got a divorce. Well, my husband is also telling me not to act like he's beating me. I don't know what to do, I want him to get help but he will not listen to me. How can I make him understand that he is destroying our family?
Oh my gosh, this is terrible. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Living under those circumstances sounds horrific.
What to say to you? I just don't know as my inclination would be to leave. He's not only doing harm to you but your son as well. And he keeps the cycle going with his younger two kids as they witness his anger and degrading of you and your son. They watch and learn. These types of dysfunctional family dynamics find a way of repeating over.
You are saying that you can not leave without your two younger kids having to stay. I don't know if that is true or not. In this country, good lawyer or not---- moms usually retain joint custody. There is no reason you couldn't have that, right?
However, it is a problem about your ability to financially care for yourself, Are you in this country legally? Are you a citizen now? You can always get state financial assistance if desperate. OR, what if you talked to your husband about getting a job or going to school (and training for a job)??? Could you do that?
thanks so much for your answer. Yes I am here legally. My husband is in the army. I have a green card
I can work here but childcare isn't cheap either, but I want to work.
I never heard about state financial assistance, so thanks for telling me that.
I know that when we fight, he's trying to scare me and lie. I don't know anybody here, so it's not like I know all my rights when it comes to custody.
I don't know if I am going to leave him. I guess I did't get to this point yet. But I am thinking about it everytime we get in an argument. He can be nice too and that makes hard to leave. He needs anger management..I hope he will get it some day.. thanks ;)
Yes, I hope so as well. Walking around on egg shells is a hard way to live. What if you try to talk during a 'good moment' and in a way that doesn't make him defensive. You could say something like--- I get really sad when we fight. I want us to be happy. I know I'm not perfect and you aren't either and I'm willing to work on what I do wrong in this relationship. Big silence----- (that would be where he says, I'll try too). You can tell him that you understand he gets angry and frustrated with you but if he could just tell you it would be so much easier to listen. You could talk about asking him to tell you as soon as he is feeling himself building in anger. And then he could have go to things to do to calm down without blowing his top. Deep breaths, go for a walk, go to neutral places, etc. Then you can talk about whatever the issue is calmly. And wouldn't that be a great thing for the kids to see and learn how to do??
I don't know if the mere mention of this type of thing would set him off though. Ugh.
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