How to control anger?

I was wondering how i can control my anger, which has been getting the best of me lately. I find that i am so angry for no real reason and then when my family do something that makes it worse, well i sort of answer back and yell to let it all out. Well i dont get it all out, because i am stopped by my mum before i can go any further, but then i go into my room and cry. I want to stand up for myself when i no i am right, and not just in homme situations, but i cant seem to say anything to anyone. I am naturally a shy and insecure girl who worries ALOT, but still....
People have told me on this website that it may have something to do with anxiety, which i know i have, but controlling it and minimizing it is where i struggle. Seeing i hold grudges with most people i get angry at. I usually punch myself or hit the bed, or sometimes hit myself with a rubberband to help a little, but i cant do that in certain situations.
Any suggestions?

[Life360]

Hi Mish, its sounds more like your frustrated than angry. Living at home your under your parents laws and values and since they provide you will everything that you need, like food and cloths, your kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place.
One of the great things about getting older, is that you become more self reliant. You get a job and your own place to live and dont have to answer to anyone if you dont want to.
Just try to make these next 4 years or so a balanced life style where you dont get in your parents face to much. Try to occupy these next short years with some hobbies or education where you can get a job soon.
The more indepentant you are the less you need to count on others for help as with help comes payback.

[Life360]

Hi Mish, its sounds more like your frustrated than angry. Living at home your under your parents laws and values and since they provide you will everything that you need, like food and cloths, your kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place.
One of the great things about getting older, is that you become more self reliant. You get a job and your own place to live and dont have to answer to anyone if you dont want to.
Just try to make these next 4 years or so a balanced life style where you dont get in your parents face to much. Try to occupy these next short years with some hobbies or education where you can get a job soon.
The more indepentant you are the less you need to count on others for help as with help comes payback.

[mishymoshymarcy]

Yes that is true. But something that is making me worse is the constant closing myself in my room and closing myself off from the world. I dont have any hobbies, apart from surfing the web which is probably at the moment making me dumber...
I dont feel smart enough to do things for myself, as i always do things wrong.

[Siona]

Hi there, I feel for you, it's not easy to be 14 surrounded by people who live you but don't understand how you feel and have not got any sensitivity in the way they speak to you. Im now 46 but I remember how I felt when I was your age. Parents have to be so balanced in themselves in order to help their child grow into a confident person. Please don't despair, anger is to a point healthy if it doesn't get out if control, don't hurt yourself or anybody, but why not beat a pillow if it makes you feel better? Have you thought of joining a drama or dance class to let out some steam this way and meet new people? Try to make the most of yourself, don't feel guilty for who you are.

[mishymoshymarcy]

The thing is that soemtimes i feel like i am going to lose control and like i just want to scream my head off. I do hit the pillow or the bed most times, and it works sometimes. But when i feel really bad like i am going to erupt i just want to cry. But i cant. And yes i will be joining some groups to do activities outside of school. Soon..... I know i will in time. I have been asking mum for years but it never happened. But i feel so bad. Why am i not the person i want to be? Why is it so hard...?

[mishymoshymarcy]

And thanks for your comment as well....

[UKlady1001]

I am now 52 years old and still remember what it was like to be 14.  
Both for me at that time and also observations of my own children and others... 14 is really like being 12 and 16 all at the same time.  Both dependant and maybe not fully confident to do all the things that the more advancing and hormonally challenged sensitive 16 year old side really wants to do.  A bit like being pulled in 2 directions at the same time.

Feeling emotional is completely normal and the anger may feel is a bit hard to handle at times, as you say.  Hitting a pillow sounds like a good idea to me, and maybe after you have let go of the tension inside you, little by little you can let yourself cry and feel some relief.  Even at 52 years old with 2 children and lots of life experiences, crying can bring relief for me after a particularly difficult or frustrating situation or event.  It may not be what we want to do at the time, or not immediately accessable due to not being in touch with our feelings but when we let go, it can be helpful.

Know that you are OK, and that you are going though emotional and hormonal changes that take time to get used to.  

It is great you have reached out for help... know inside that all will be Ok

[Nighthawk61]

It's true, it is frustrating to be fourteen, but you will get through it. I wouldn't be too sure that you don't have legitimate reasons for your anger. Usually, if you're able to talk about your life, it will become evident that there are indeed reasons for your frustration and anger. Right?

It sounds like you really need some heavy exercise right now, you're adrenaline will pump through you and you will feel more in control of your life, your body and your mind. I used to do laps in a pool everyday when I was your age and it made me feel very independent and powerful. If you can't manage a pool, then dancexcercise is good, but whatever it is, working out is a huge help for feelings of frustration. Don't allow your mother not showing an interest in getting you places to work out, or get involved, stop you. That in itself, is a major problem for you I suspect. No one wants to feel that their parent is putting their concerns on the back burner. Can you muster your strength and tell her that you're battling some form of depression and you really NEED her help to get you involved NOW with outside activities? If after you've tried to get support from every family member available and you find yourself alone, don't fret. You're a better person then them, and you will be free shortly to show the world what a great person YOU are. So exercise at home, and draw at home if you have to, or paint. It' doesn't take a lot of money. You are in control of your life, if other's are not supportive, that's okay, you deal with that in therapy, but you deal with yourself in your own room. You are strong, and you can make a difference between how you feel now, and how you want to feel. You are far more powerful than you know. Please have faith that God has provided you with the strength to have a happy life, with everything that you have right this very minute. If you reach out further to the members here, we will help you every step of the way. That's what we're here for and that's what we do. You have to want a better life to get one. You have to put in the work, now. Don't waste a minute waiting for there to be a better time, or someone else to provide you with a way. You have the means, now. Trust me.I'm here if you want to talk. Liz

[mishymoshymarcy]

Hi. Thank you very much. That has definately made my day, for sure!!
The thing with my family is that i DONT want to tell them anything. I just want to deal with this with the help of all the people on Medhelp,and with the poeple i have who support me at school. If only i felt a little bit more capable to do everyhting i want to, if only my anxiety would calm down and not stop me from struggling through daily life. Then i KNOW i would already be making the best of my life. I have been thinking about going on Meds ofr the anxiety, and if that helps, i will be on the right track. And in the right state of mind lets not forget.
I will be starting tennis tomorrow infact, so hopefully that will make a difference to the way i feel, but if it doesn't, What will i do?

The thing is my hopes and dreams are THERE, but for some reason they dont seem strong enough at the moment, to get me through a day feeling motivated and inspired to reach them.
Thank you for all your help. I will be sure to message you.
And thanks for the very uplifting advice, as i said you made my day!

[Nighthawk61]

Well guess what? You made MY day too!!! That's how we roll...... lol
I'm very happy to hear that you're starting tennis today, wow, that couldn't come at a better time. Have fun and keep smiling, these are the types of things that you do before you go on meds. to find out if you can deal with your anxiety naturally with coping tools. Do you have friends to do things with, I'm wondering? Can you get to a community pool on the weekend , or bowling, or roller blading on a regular basis maybe? I grew up in the city, so I would walk for miles and miles with my friends, and it only cost a pop and plate of french fries (with gravy). If you're having enough fun, and plan on keeping busy, your adrenaline may help you to SLAY your anxiety Warrior Woman!!!! I'm so glad we're friends now. Keep up the good work and the good attitude. I'll try to look up meds given for anxiety, and their side effects for you to consider, and in the mean time, keep adding things to focus on that are good for you. Stellar job Marcy.

[mishymoshymarcy]

Thanks so much!! I will. I used to always be the girl who could never stop smiling or laughing. hehehe I wonder where that girl disappeared to? heheh :)

[Nighthawk61]

How did the tennis go? Are you going to continue playing? Sometimes changes in mood take a bit of time, and adding more interests to your life, but you're on the right path to get back to that happy girl. Truly manifesting your potential is what makes us happiest in adolescence. Tennis is a good start Marcy, it helps to make you "well rounded" and attractive to other people, and laughing and smiling and having friends is dependent on being a well rounded individual. Hope this note finds you motivated.

[mishymoshymarcy]

Yes thank you. and i will be continuing for a while i think. It is onky once a week, but i mean, you gotta start somewhere right?! Hehehe :)

[lizzie41195]

Hi mishymoshymarcy,

I also have problems with anger. I am 26 and still don't live by myself. I don't have a job yet but I'm really hoping to soon. I know how anger is. I know that being a teenager is not easy at all for yourself and for your parents. I still feel as if I'm a teenager because I don't work but I do have some volunteer work experience. I have a therapist and she suggested that I go to a meetup group so that I can make more friends. It's www.meetup.com that you can go to and create a free account or you can sign in with ************. I know that you are already playing tennis but just in case, I wanted to suggest going to meetup.com and try some group activities there, if you have the time or if you want to.

Best,

lizzie41195

[mishymoshymarcy]

Thanks Lizzie
I will give it some thought and will do a little research on it. Just thought that i would let you know, i may be starting basketball. i love the sport, and uses to play, but as soon as i broke my finger one day, i never played again. And i think i am really looking forward to it... if i go that is....
Thanks xx

[Nighthawk61]

I hope to hear that you've chosen to say HELL YA, to basketball honey. The more you get out there and play with others, the more likely that friendships will blossom, and your anxiety will lessen. It's all good, everything you add is meaningful in the big picture. More is better. Can't wait to hear what you decide to do.......

[mishymoshymarcy]

Yes neither can i! Heheh i am sure i will go eventually though, however i will let you know once i have made my decision.
X :)