I was on my way home from work on the train a few days ago and there was two men sitting near me, one was playing his mp3 player on full volume right next to me (which caused me to become incredibly angry), I felt like snapping at this guy but I didn't. During this time another man got on the train and started talking loudly down his phone. I didn't want to move to another carriage because my stop was coming up, I got off at my stop and the guy who was talking on his phone got off also, I tried sort of pushing past him, (I was still fuming at this time) I wanted to antagonize him and take out my anger on him.
He was a big guy, alot bigger than me. When I walked past him he pushed me in the back and said "I will kill you" l had almost reached the stairs to turn off away from him but I turned around and swore at him again calling him horrible swear words loudly, I didn't even feel good when I said it but I couldn't control myself., As he was walking past me I pushed him from the side and he dropped his phone and it smashed into pieces., then I ran off. It looked like a cheap phone.
Ever since that incident I have had an unbearable feeling of guilt, shame and fear., Guilt and shame that I lost control and acted in such a violent and stupid way in public in front of other people and fear because I get that train route everyday from work and I am dreading seeing him again and if he recognizes me, what he might do. I used to fall asleep on the train a lot but I don't think I can do that anymore.
Don't feel guilty. You were involved in what I call "guerilla theatre". It's part of animal behavior. Sort of deep-rooted in the DNA. You might want to read the old out-of-print book titled "The Territorial Imperative".
This guy pushed you first, and I would bet everybody is guilty of losing it and yelling obscenities at least once in their life. You know, we learn lessons all our life, and I would bet, should something like this happen again, you may well choose to move away from a problem before it happens now, since you got no feeling or reward the last time. You're human, and you must forgive yourself for inevitable mistakes. The fact that you feel so badly shows that you're striving for perfection, you're striving to be your best. That's who you are, and you should be proud of that. Forgive yourself, but don't forget. Getting involved with the wrong character, who has nothing to lose, could be dangerous for you and your family. It's just not worth it. But you know that now. Good for you. Peace be with you.
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