I need help or advice or anything!!!

[butterfly84777]

I need help!! I have been in a relationship for over two years now!! And he is 95% of the time amazing to me he adores me and does anything and everything for me!! I have a son who he also adores!! We have a complicated relationship at times as we started in our relationship both in other relationships.. I know that's awful but I want you to know the facts!! We have a love that is truly one of a kind we spend so much time together and enjoy so many things together and are best friends and soul mates.. We have a great sex life, friendship, everything!!
The problem is in the past two years there have been maybe ten occurrences where he has just lost it!!! Reminds me alot of bipolar disorder or some other sort of issue maybe anger related.. I don't know these episodes last anywhere from half hour to several hours!! He becomes extreamly verbally abusive and degrading.. Saying very personal things to attack me things from my past, and things reguarding my health that I cannot control.. And things he I usually very excepting of!! He has became physical as to where he will hold me down, push me, push me off the bed/on the bed, into walls or doors..  He had threatened to hit me but never has. Grabbed my face and neck, my arms pretty much everything rough except hitting me..
I am just very confused on whether to stay or leave!! I am not one to stick around usually in a situation even similar to this, but because most of the time he is amazing I have always forgiven him. He will always come up to me after the fight or break down during the fight and will come say sorry an how awful he is, and how he doesn't know what comes over him to make him say and do these things andbhow he doesn't feel that way at all.. And I am just tired of this game and tired of this other person coming out of my boy friends body at the most random times and for silly reasons I don't know what to do anymore.. I want him to understand I won't stand for this forever and he needs help and to change his way or he will push me away when he swears I'm everything to him!!! Please help

[margypops]

Well in my opinion pushing, holding you down, grabbing your arms is tantamount to abuse , so there is no differance and trust me hitting will be the next step anyway, read the post below,  and I say the same to you, he gets help with Anger management or you leave, if he doesnt it will get worse, if your son is around and hears this you are allowing him to be abused also, Time to get help or go .Good Luck  PS  This isnt adoring someone ......

[Dazon50]

I agree with Margy.  I personally don't think the 95 percent is worth the other percent of time you go through the abuse.  Ultimately it is your decision.  If he is serious about getting help/recognizes there is a problem..there is something to work with.  However if he doesn't and the situation of the the 5 percent gets worse...no telling what will happen or if you would be alive to share any more.

Some serious decisions to make for you.
Best wishes/wisdom and strength/courage in making the right one.

:-)

[butterfly84777]

I want to make the right choice!! I don't want to sell myself short, we both just love each other alot and I know this sounds crazy to alot of people but this other side of him is not him at all he is very sweet and kind almost all of the time it just this crazy man that comes out sometimes I would swear it's someone else in his body his eyes even look differant!!  He is calling about getting help Tom he said he doesn't know why he does this to me and doesn't want to loose me.. He says he is scared of failing me so he thinks he sabatoges himself to prevent failure, that what an old friend told him he thinks is happening and he agrees he says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him an he is terrified of hurting me or lettig me down so he pushes me away!! Idk what to think, I mean it makes since but why sabatoge when that will almost certainly end in failure, why not just try and be the best he can be and be himself and I don't see any reason to fail!!

[margypops]

Many Women have thought the same , he has to want to change, if he cares for you as you say he does it wont be a big deal for him to get some help, you say he is calling to get help, so that is a positive move, make sure he does make that appt, then you have something to work on. Whatever excuses you make for him he has to stop this behavior , make sure he gets the help he needs,then go from that point .Good Luck

[butterfly84777]

Thank you so much for all your advice you sound very down to earth and real and reading your advice always helps me out!!! :-) thanks again he has an apt wed I will keep you posted..

[margypops]

Some of it is from bitter experience my dear LOl

[butterfly84777]

I'm sorry to hear that!! Are you okay now? I don't know obviouly what you went through but I think your amazing for coming to these sites to help out people like me :-)

[margypops]

Yes I am okay I didnt solve my problems, I learnt to live with them... my way ...I did learn that no one bashes any other human being that they are supposed to love ...I guess I was lucky, I stood up for myself..I  decided enough..I wont be bullied anymore ..and I wasnt .. ..

[butterfly84777]

So what's your secret then being able to stay yet standing up for yourself?? I know he loves me and that there is something totally worth fighting for and I am glad he sees that something is clearly wrong with him from time to time and needs help!!

[je1v]

Girl you need to have him go to anger management, couples counsling and probably counsling for your son as well. I had a very amazing relationship with "my soul mate" and he was my sons father. i also had anger problems, and i am bipolar. our relationship ended with me in prison and me losing my kids. Since i had the known problems everything got turned around by his manipulation and i paid for it. please don't let this happen to you. and remember sometimes one time of counsling doesn't solve the problems....i wish you the best of luck

[butterfly84777]

I am sorry that he twisted everything on you!! That is not right especially when the punishment you took was so extream.. I'm sorry to hear that.. But thank you for you message and concerns for me I appreciate it.. And he has set up weekly sessions for himself and we are looking into couples sessions if the therapist thinks it will be good for us!! My son has only witnessed us having one or two fights in two years and nothing physicaly or to bad happened during that fight.. So at this time I am just asking that he gets help however he did suggest it!!!

[margypops]

Thats good news,it shows he cares he is trying, a lot of abusers are indenial and will not seek help I think its a very good sign he is .Keep us up to date on how it goes..

[je1v]

thats great to hear. since he suggested it everything should work out, shows he really cares for you. wish you the best of luck girl.

[butterfly84777]

Hi guys!!! Ok so he went to to therapy today and it went well the doctor said that he is doing all the right steps and is in the right place mentally to begin getting help and he said it was very clear that he cared a lot for me and our family... So that's good!!! They said he shows very little traits of a person with anger issues, how usually in everything in his life his temperment is very good out of a quiz out of a hundred questions he only had nine that came back stressers so they think it might be coming from childhood events or how he saw things as a child etc.... But because he does not show signs of a typical abusive husband he says he shows enormus promise so we will see I guess!!! He had extensive ankle surgury today so he will be down for a few months but we will see how it goes!!! Thanks for your continuos support