My 31 year old son and I are in a precarious situation. As a result of a personal tragedy, we live in someone else's apartment. We have been given until January 31, which is 2 months to leave. Neither one of us have jobs, or any money and we are both very anxious. I should say that we have been living separately since 2001 when he was 22 years old. We even used to live in different cities. But horrific tragedy has bought us together. I thought that we could comfort each other, but I discover that my son is challenging me seriously. He is exhibiting stress, anxiety, depression and anger. He can not find a job. He spends a lot of time on the Internet, sometimes looking for work but also constantly looking at pictures, mostly provocative, and sexual sometimes violent. He used to be perusing porn pictures, but I harassed him until he stopped. Until recently my son would does not move from the sofa all day long, refusing to leave the apartment except to walk the dogs. He doesn't like to agree with me, and insidiously sabotages all that I try to start up or put in place as a solution to our serious problems. He's very rebellious against traditional values and talks about things such as legalization of marijuana, legalization of prostitution, the right to use very vulgar language and lifestyles. I feel very threatened and strengthened by this type of lawlessness, especially when we have very serious pressing problems which should take precedence. My son is learning about God, going to church every week and seemingly open to Christian values. But rejects some of my Christian values and all he does is go to church. At home, he doesn't live by Christian values. My son seized my shoulder powerfully and seemed to be crushing the muscles. I was very frightened and shocked. I talked about it to him and asked him to apologize. He said it was nothing and ridiculed me as making a big thing out of nothing. I should say that he is very big 6'2" and I am very small 5'4". Recently he seized something from my hand and damaged a box that I was preparing to pack. He really hurt my finger but mostly the wild gestures and actions frightened me badly. My son is very erratic, he never ceases to hallenge everything I say and do. He tries to order me around and talk down to me. When I try to talk to him, he rejects me saying that he considers that I talk at him and not to him. But I don't understand this as my conversations with him appear to be standard verbal exchanges. My son gets very agitated; he raises his voice, his eyes get very wide and open, he makes powerful gestures. I am often shocked and overwhelmed. I believe that my son is moving towards become a dominating or even an abusive man. I am saddened and afraid to see this, he is my only child. I stand up to him but I wonder if I have any right to do so. He is an adult. He has the right to have his progressive ideas even if I perceive them as self-destructive. last night a drunken man approached me and my son, indicating that he knew him. My son revealed that he had previously accepted a beer from this neighbor. My son revealed to me that he had received a summons for public drinking, that he thinks of it as nothing. He previously revealed that he has used a wide variety of drugs, even some very dangerous ones. He told me that he likes to drink, is pro-alcohol and marijuana. My son is reclusive, rigid minded, unsociable. He is dominating and inflexible. In public, he like to present himself to my friends as a gentle, passive victim of a dominating mother. He is a perfectionist and wants things to be so perfect that he doesn't even try anything. For instance, he has no girlfriend because he says that his life must be perfect before he even tries to talk to a girl. When I talk to him I often end up lecturing him about drug use, inactivity, pornography, wisdom, career and education. Sometimes I find that I criticize him and shame him. Afterwards I feel horrible and frustrated. Since using drugs, he has developed speech patterns and mannerism that reflect confusion, disorientation and poor articulation. He is very intelligent but is uneducated and lacks confidence and ambition. He is seeking a job but is only applying for minimum wage work like Starbucks and sandwich shops. My religious advisor has told me that he is a precious child, and that I should just accept him limitations and imperfections. But I am worried because I see that he is unwise and is easily influenced by bad people. When he arrived in here, I was shocked to discover that he had be a pawn in a felonious immigration scam. The people who had preyed on him were confident enough to call here and scream at me - they were so confident that he was still under their control. Does anyone have any insight?
Yes. You have to get away from him and find a life of your own - as soon as possible.
You have done your best and are no longer responsible for him in any way shape or form.
He is an adult, and his behavior is totally unacceptable. I don't buy the rationalization "he was a pawn in a felonious immigration scam". There are no excuses for his actions. None. Your religious advisor is not giving you appropriate advise. Your son does not meet the standard of being a man. This is something you are not responsible for. Stop finding excuses for his shortfalls. Stop worrying about him and start worrying about yourself.
I see your relationship developing into someone much worse. It's time to separate and find your own destiny.
Thanks for the feedback - it's hard to handle. Two days ago my son put diesel into our gasoline tank causing a lot of expense. I try to understand why these terrible things are happening - but I am stumped...
It surprises me that you are not working. Even in bad economic times there is always some sort of work available if you are not too particular. If you had the security of money coming in. you could handle the problem better. And I should think that lack of money is a good part of the problem. If you can't find a job can you get welfare? Neither of you are working, so you should be able to do so, at least on a temporary basis.
Your son appears to have some serious emotional problems. Can you find a therapist for him? There must be some programs available for those who can't pay. He is very young and it is hard for you as a mother to walk away from him. Try to get him some help.
My heart aches for you because although my son is 21, he exhibits alot of the same behaviors in different ways. These boys are Intellegent people, using the intellegence in a destructive way. The economy is terrible...You don't have long to get out of your current apartment. Can you call to a womans shelter and suggest that he do the same? I can tell from the way you defend him that you are wishing for him to turn "normal" someday..And I know that you are not going to be ok with deserting him...because you feel responsible for him. I know...because I have been treated poorly by my son and I tolerate it...because I just want him to be OK.
We (you and I), do not love ourselves enough to JUST leave them behind (as we should)....that kind of letting go doesn't happen overnight when we have been catering to these "brats" for so long.
So, I suggest, finding different shelters for each of you and parting in that way. Alot of the shelters help people to find jobs because they need to turn around the people that stay in the shelters. It sounds like you have the computer to look for local shelters...actually you do have access to the computer or you would not be typing on this site. I hope you can find something so that you can start to relax and let nature take its course with your son.
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