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Manipulative Mother
by Choysan, Sep 25, 2009 10:49AM
I don't know how to deal, I'm angry at the world. I've been to counselors on and off all my life, trying to adjust with my situation, anti depressants just made me loopy. I guess I should blame it all on growing up in alcoholic family (father). I've read about boundaries, being a survivor of sexual, emotional and physical abuse, prayer...you name it. And for 30 years I've been doing ok-I am an emotional eater, so I'm fat but for the most part sane. So my dad died at age 49 of massive heart attack-and I forgave him all the past wrongs. I would have drank, too, being married to my mother. She's a diabolical maniacal manipulative Cheshire cat who goes to church, acts like nothing is wrong with her, and yet schemes and plots her way through life. I personally think she lost her mind after her 3rd miscarriage, before I was born. Did I mention she is smart, Mensa smart, and worked at a mental health facility---yeah. At my father's funeral I watched her with an old man I'd never met (who was watching me intently) and she took an envelope from him. Later we found out it was $400 cash with the understanding that I, age 15, and not my sisters, would write to him and send him pictures. Creepy, yes. My mother instructed me to allude I was coming to visit him. I wrote one letter and then felt sick about it, so I refused after that. Then the porch needed fixed, and we had a very willing neighbor, married, with kids, who offered to fix it if she'd let let me go to Nashville with him-he was a trucker. He fixed the porch, and just brushed off the Nashville trip as a joke, but then one night he tried to collect when I was at his home. He and his wife got a friend and I drunk, and I ran out of his back door because he said he was calling my mother on me. Having escaped that, many years later he bragged to my husband, of all people, how he almost collected what was due him that night. That justified my accusations to my husband, who thought I was exaggerating about my mom. I got married to escape my mother, my husband knows this. And tried to have a regular Mom/Daughter relationship except I always was bailing her out. I bought her decrepit house, because she was late on pymts, taxes, etc, and we moved in with her. She wanted out, so I paid her rent & deposit, helped her move. Meanwhile I have three children of my own, all girls. I have worked since age 14 to support her and my sisters, paying rent, buying them cars...dear God, when will it stop? My sisters live across the country and call me to tell me or my oldest to help Grandma. I stopped letting the girls go to church with her because she was trying to pimp them out there, really. One day I confronted her and asked why she sold me-she said it sounded like I was having a pity party for myself and laughed at me. After much guilt, I've cut myself off from my whole family. It's just not healthy for me, or my girls. My girls and I are sad my family is so screwed up. I'm depressed because of the weight I've put on-whether to hide myself from men or emotional eating, I don't want to die young. It's affecting my relationships with my husband, a workaholic, and everyone who knows me. I'm becoming a hermit. An angry hermit. My mother has always been the hardest on me and expects the most from me. Even when my sisters weighed over 200 lbs and I was under 140, she criticized my weight. Now that I am truly fat, she brings me stale Weight Watchers cakes-'thanks, Mom'. I bet my sisters have never seen a stale Weight Watchers cake. Did I mention she never believed me about the sexual abuse? In fact I was told to never talk about it. I just don't want this to affect me anymore, or my family. I've tried to just let go of all it, but I can't. I have no job, no life, and no happiness now, and making my family miserable. Pastor says to drop the mom, counselors say to keep her. Her own doctor told me I should put her in a home-she stops taking her meds and gets sick so we have to go see her and rescue her. (Heart issues) She lies, tries to pit all of us against each other, and is quite the actress. What the heck do I do? All I do is cry and eat and mope and worry I will hurt someone in my sleep-either me or her.
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Forgiveness by the way is not laying back down to be walked on!
I love my mom but we had a very codependent relationship for many years and we did have to walk away completely for about 2 years. After that we were able to set up a more healthy relationship with so safe boundaries etc. I feel very close to my mom now without feeling like she was my total responsibility, actually i think we finally have a more normal relationship where she really has become a help to me. By making her take a step back and become independent I also helped her.
You need to protect your daughters and if she set you up this way should NEVER have them alone. I had to do that with the grandparents for ours at times!! Again I am sorry for the deep pain in your heart and hope your really will check into the materials I mentioned. They helped me soo much and I often have used them with others as well!
Hope this helps!
Shelly