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My husband has serious anger managment issues. Can anyone help?
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My husband has serious anger managment issues. Can anyone help?

My husband has serious anger control issues that I'm sure he learned from his parents.  His father was in and out of anger managment counselling throughout my husbands childhood and his mother is a perpetually dissatisfied person.  
We have been together for 5 years and in the last few years I have felt like I am tied to a lead block that has been dropped in the ocean.  He is dragging me down and I am watching myself drown.
Our relationship works on a cycle:  He is moody and combative for weeks and weeks while I walk on eggshells in hopes of not setting him off, then he blows up at me (no physical violence though) and then I crack and blow up at him and then he realizes how far he's pushed me, he feels guilty and worships me just long enough (usually 3-ish days) for me to think he's really changed and then he slowly goes back to square one.
I have literally lost count of all the times he's promised me he's going to go to anger counselling and he never does.  He has also admitted to me that he sometimes pushes me to a breaking point to "get a reaction."  
I know that anger issues can be one of the hardest internal struggles a person has to go through.  For that reason, I feel like an ******* if I leave him; what kind of partner abandons their spouse when their spouse needs support?!  
Has anyone experienced a spouse that has actively gotten past his/her anger issues and become a better partner?  I don't know the stats on this and I'd appreciate some feedback.
Am I fighting (or, rather, supporting) a lost cause or is there potential for him to come around?
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8 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
He has to want help. What your dealing with is a cycle of abuse. things are bad he blows up appologizes shows remorse and then starts building back up again. But hes got to get help or this will continue. And if he truly wants to change he will do it with or without you. So leaving is your decision. Being in a relationship should be satisfying for both people involved and you should better one another not be making each other feel worse.
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144586_tn?1284669764
The odds are this is a lost cause.

You have no obligation to go through the rest of your life going to sleep with a knot in your stomach.

There are a lot of nice men out there without issues.
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1711589_tn?1308316371
I have issues like that and was recently diagnosed with cyclothymia (a form of bipolar). However, my bursts of anger are random, hysterical, and extremely short-lived. It sounds like your husband developed this pattern in childhood. Is it possible he has depression? Anger is symptom, especially for men. Hope everything works out well. Don't let him push you around!
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi. I know that I am replying to an old post, but for starters I work at a domestic abuse shelter an this is the typical case. Most likely the verbal abuse will turn into physical abuse. Anger management classes generally do not help on a long term basis. You should not feel guilty for wanting to leave the situation. Here is a national domestic violence number they can probably find a shelter in your area. Hopefully, they will offer you support that you may need. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Good luck to you and stay safe.
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Avatar_m_tn
Pretty much like everyone stated, he has to want help.  Not only that, he has to want to do the work.  For those afflicted with anger issues, there are a lot of things one has to constantly think about.  

The problem with addressing anger issues, there are often underlying conditions that need attention as well.  Until it is all addressed, the anger will probably prevail.  

Considering what seems to be a fairly recurring issue, I'd suggest into making sure you are indeed safe.  The physical violence is not there now.... but what if?  Then it is too late.  If he isn't going to get help, what's the use of hanging around and waiting for the ceiling to fall in.

I'd say that stat's are just that, stats.  I think there are exceptions to every rule, but I also wouldn't want you to set yourself up for a fall.  The time is ripe for a good discussion and the necessary follow up.  Your demeanor with/during this conversation is key... you can do it in a public place when he is in a good mood.  Politely tell him "we need to address this anger issue" and let him know you're all in...(go with him, let him know he isn't alone and you are there for support) or all out if he won't get some help.

IF he says he'll get help, facilitate that and tell him that you are on board 100%, but remember the deal you made.  Either all in or all out.  If he blows out, have an escape plan in place and make your move at the first opportunity.  Your life is not worth risking this and do not leave yourself a victim.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm currently going through the same thing I haven't even been married for a year and recently been feeling like i'm being broken down. I don't feel like the same person my husband and I are 11 years apart. And I almost feel like he treats me like a child. He is always Moody and my daughter and I are constantly walking on egg shells around him. He hates all my,friends and little by little has been bashing my family. I feel like he wants me to shut everyone out just,as he does. I am a hard worker and a good woman. I know I can do it on my own and I feel almost like I am done and I think he would be happier if he was alone. I,love him he makes me feel complete but not recently. I know what I should do but its deeper that that.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am honestly not sure how to answer that, as I am going through something similar. I just want to let you know I know how you feel.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm going through this right now as we speak.. my husband tends to not look for things where he put them and I tell him it is still there then we he can find it because he done threw Crap everywhere like the trash can with garbage and stools etc and calls me names and pushes me down and punches me in ny head and says he's leaving.. I tell him to go leave and never come back.. we've been together 11 years this Wednesday coming and i feel like I'm dying inside.. all I do is cry but I try to hold it in because that is an issue.. fyi he just started actually working a decent job bringin in money to actually pay some of the bills just one bill actually and he makes triple what I make.. I'm usually the one working 2 jobs and providing everything for the house. But I'm down bc my back and I only have one job that foesnt pay well and this causes another argument.. I love him I can't see tomorrow without him but I don't know how many more today's I can take getting beat up.. :( if i calm the cops it'll just be worse and if I leave everything I've worked for in our home is gone he will destroy everything.. what do I do?:
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