I feel so bad, and don't understand what is going on. I feel ugly on the inside, because lately I've been feeling like I have so much irritation/rage built up inside me I can't take it anymore. I need to release those feelings and I don't really know how. I believe it is because I'm mad at myself, either that or all of my repressed emotions/feelings i have held deep inside over the years, have came to the surface at once. I don't really know how to describe how I feel, it is a terrible feeling like I at war with myself. Please help me. How do you forgive yourself and move on? I thought I already have, but I shouldn't be feeling like this. This is terrible. Please help me, somehow. Thank you! I greatly appreciate it!
Hello, thank you so much for your response. I greatly appreciate it! To be completely honest, I'm not 100% sure why I'm angry at myself. I guess I am because I held up all of the emotions inside over the years, and they now manifested into really bad irritation/rage at myself. I feel rejected a lot of times, because I tried contacting someone who told me they wanted to stay in touch with me, weeks ago, and they never got back to me. :0(
I used to go to a psychologist, but I stopped going this year. I felt like he wasn't really helping me, he was trying to, but I guess I'm too "mentally wounded" to try. What I mean by that is, since I've been bullied and never really had any true friends, he wanted me to try to go out and socialize. I didn't really because it actually hurts me more when I'm around people and I have no idea what to say. I feel like an "outcast" and direct the sadness and anger of not being able to communicate right back at myself. I knew it would make me worst trying that right away. If I knew how to forgive myself first, then maybe it would make socializing a little easier for me.
You're welcome.... Listen, in order to forgive ourselves, we have to know what we are trying to forgive ourselves for. (I'm no doctor, just someone whose been through the wringer.) If we cannot address exactly what it is we are trying to forgive ourselves for, we can't put that behind us.
What I think is important to know for you right now is, you cannot change the past. It's completely understandable to not be okay with what ever happened, but we cannot change it. It happened and we are supposed to learn from that stuff.... somehow. What you can do is work on now. You can make a conscious effort to look at things as they happen from a real rounded outside view. (Things aren't happening to you, they are happening around you and how we act or react makes the difference.)
Speaking of my own experience before I got help, I played the victim all of the time. Everything negative in the world was happening "to me". I was living a life where I was honestly believing that "the world was out to get me". Victim... I was a victim and I was allowing myself to be the victim. In fact, I was "making" myself the victim. I could not see that "$hit happens" and could not see that my reaction to that "$hit" was what determined how I felt. I could not realize that I could not control everything around me, but I very much wanted too.....
A good therapist is essential, so perhaps you need to change it up a bit. My therapist, after hearing my story said very calmly that you are a victim. You've had these horrible things happen to you and it was devastating... it happened, it is very real... but its over.
Just that "it happened, its very real, but its over" brought a bit of insight. For me, I wanted validation and got it. It did happen and it sucked. My therapist said, "you've got every right to feel how you do" and that "anybody in your shoes would feel the same way". I realized that and could sense that anyone would feel that way.... so validation again!
So I asked, "am I nuts?". She kind of laughed and said "you're normal". "You've repressed a lot of bad things since your childhood and never effectively dealt with them. You've now had a series of catastrophic events that threw your whole world off tilt, and all of these repressed emotions are flooding your mind."
As I sat and looked at it, I was having a lot harder time with things from my childhood than I was with the things that were happening now. It was obvious as I kept bringing up the "ancient past". It was then that I was told that I cannot change that but could change the way I felt about it. It took time, but I digested all of that and put it away. I got things into perspective and I started to feel better.
You too can do this, and I so know what you're going through. Have patience, find a good therapist and work on you. Look at reality, not your reality.....
Please do not give up on therapy. I think that you need to talk about the past in order to find out when and why you are so hard on yourself. Start at the beginning with a friend and maybe you will be able to find some insight along the way. You do not have to be alone. The more open and honest you are about your past, the more likely you will find reasons for your anger. We are all here with the same sort of problems, you certainly are not alone in this depression forum and i hope that you get close to those you have chosen to be friends with. Best wishes on your broken road. We are all in the same boat. God Bless you for trying to find these answers. Give yourself a lot of credit for reaching out to friends, that in itself is a lot of growth. You're taking baby steps toward your feeling free of your past, that's all that you can do~~ Good work!!!
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