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Sarcasm a form of aggression?
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Sarcasm a form of aggression?

So I'm having a conversation with my fiancé about this Thanksgiving Hoilday& weather he's going to come see me or not? He says to me Idk? "Buses to go to where ya mom stays". So I say "lol ok I only catch the bus to my mons all the time!" Then the conversation goes on about how I should of said Babe,youre wrong a bus does go that,because he didnt know& I shouldn't assumed he knew.(he assumed one didnt,but I didnt say anything to him about his assumtion) I then go on to tell him I was being sarcastic&he should know I tell him this all the time. Back&forth back&forth. So was I wrong for responding in that manner? I did apologize,cuz he made a deal out of it.
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Avatar_m_tn
I've got a friend who I really used to enjoy.  The guy had an incredible wit and was often very sarcastic.  What I found out is that a lot of his sarcasm revolved around his attitude.  There were a lot of things going on in his life that he was not addressing straight up, and being sarcastic was his way of attempting to address the problem.  His sarcasm left a lot of people wondering "what in the hell is really going on here?"

One of the last times I talked to this guy, I asked him..."what is going on?"  Immediately he jumped to sarcasm... "Oh nothing.  Everything is peachy."  (You could tell by the tone in his voice that things were not "peachy")  Then he went on to say that he was miserable at his job, his home life was horrible and a couple other real valid issues.

His problem was, he would not address the things he could.  Instead of looking for a better job or riding this one out for a while, he quit the job and was earning no income.  That put added pressure on his wife and the rest of the household, and therefore his home life was affected.  (He could not put the problem into proper perspective.)

I don't know what I am trying to get at here, but it is obvious that you are trying to make this work and are met with frustration, both from him and because of him.  Is couples counseling something you both would be interested in?  It would allow both of you to voice your opinions in front of a moderator, so to speak.

I wish you luck....
14 Comments Post a Comment
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3147776_tn?1349200103
Keep in mind that it is VERY difficult (impossible) to evaluate a relationship via the internet, but from the two posts you've made here, it doesn't sound like your relationship is in a healthy state.  If you find that you have to be extremely careful about what you say, or the exact words that you use, in order to avoid an argument, there's a problem.  

Most people don't analyze every statement in the way that it appears your fiance does, in what is also an apparent attempt to find fault with your words. In my non-professional opinion, this is some sort of control game he's playing with you, and it isn't healthy.
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Avatar_m_tn
Sarcasm is one of those things that people either get, or they don't.  It's one of those things that can be kind of funny at times, and it can be completely confused for something else.

I'd agree that most things are taken at face value.  Were you wrong for responding in that manner?  Who knows.... if you ask your fiance, he will probably say yes.

I don't know... tough call.
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134578_tn?1404951303
It seems to be a pretty small thing to fight about.  When small things get to a point where there is name calling and "back-and-forth back-and-forth" over it, usually there is some underlying thing going on that is really the source of the annoyance.  Whether he is annoyed with you, or whether it is something else in his world, you could try to determine by thinking about what is going on in his life at the moment.   (For example, my husband always comes home grumpy when he is worried about money.  He has a lot of claims on the income he brings into his company, and if there is not enough that week, or if the economy is going down, or if his conservative friends have just told him there is about to be a serious recession, he comes home and gripes about pine needles that got tracked in on the carpet, or the cat's footprints on the floor.  I can actually associate these moods by the economic forecast, and have learned it's not me, it's not the cat, it's not the pine needles or whether the house is clean, it's his worry for the future.  I tease him that if I hear on the news that the market is down, I think about going to a motel for the night with our son, so we don't have to listen to him p & m over small stuff.)  

Of course, even if your boyfriend is taking something else out on you, he shouldn't, but it could make you able to handle it a little more philosophically if he grumps at you for something unimportant.  That said, if he is like this all the time, I would show Mister Sunshine the door.  Who needs to live with a person who is continually going to find fault?
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2146732_tn?1336930741
No name calling my reference to back&forth was the conversation I didnt feel like tyipng lol. Im saying I do this all the time,especially when I feel like "well duh" this post wasnt a bash on my boyfriend it was rather I was being rude or not,because I assumed he knew something he didnt&instead of saying,ur wrong babe a bus does go that way,i made the sarcastic remark yeah ok no bus goes that way, I always catch it? & if sarcasm is a form of aggression?
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134578_tn?1404951303
OK, maybe not aggression per se, but being sarcastic when you simply could have responded in a friendly way to give him the information he lacked, is responding scornfully rather than lovingly, to your boyfriend, the one you supposedly love.  He got sandbagged, for sure.  Do you think he is dumb or should have known, or were you in a grumpy mood, or is that your standard way to respond to people?  If the latter (especially if you know they are not asking a question they should know the answer to), you might want to look at your own patterns of comms. and work on patience.  Or possibly, if you think smart remarks are funny, pay attention to how they actually come out and how they hit people.  Some smart remarks *are* funny, but humor is in the ear of the receiver and if your receiver is telling you that he hears it as an implied putdown instead of a joke, it's worth revamping your joke style.

Take care, I'm glad you're trying to figure this out before you lose someone you don't want to lose.  
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134578_tn?1404951303
I just ran into one of your other posts and see that you comment on some tensions in the relationship.  You can test what was behind your remark by asking yourself If you were 100% happy with the way things are and overflowing with love, would you still have said sarcastically, "I only catch the bus there all the time," or would you have said the "Yes, a bus does run there" in a helpful mode?  (A friend of mine took a stint as a hotel maid, and she finally quit when one day someone checking out told her she could make up the room now, and she said "I only got two hands."  When she heard something that snotty [instead of just saying "Sure,"] come out of her mouth, she realized she hated her job and hated feeling powerless in it.)  Only you can decide if annoyance was behind the sarcasm, and if so, if it was because of something short-term or something more basic to the relationship.  Good luck, I am impressed that you are thinking about this, it's a good exercise no matter where you wind up with your guy.
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2146732_tn?1336930741
Yup I think I am very angry at him over everything thats why I'm very sarcastic with him(i am with evrryone) but more so with him. I'm coming to realize ots because he expects me to do everything as far ad seeing each othet cause we live apart,but whenever I asked to be seen thetes akways an excuse as to why he cant make(ride&so on&so forth) I'm tiref of it,apparently im the only one who makes any effort. Im upset about a lot of other tjings also but I'll save that. My being sarcastic with him here I WAS NOT joking, I was ASOLUTELY SERIOUS! I knew I had told him on more than one occasion that I wad either catching the bus to my moms or from my moms to somewhere else. For him to just say oh don't no bus go where ya mom stay at really got to me because I felt like he was saying "No I'm not coming yo sea you!" &that he should of just said that. Excuses excuses with him,now I'm getting to the bottom of it,he expects me to jump whenever jes readu but when I adk him to take a step suddenly his limbs don't work. I always yell him everything has to be your way&he alwaus has to ne right& he KNOWS EVERYTHING!( I'm being very sarcastic). I'm trying to the bottom of my irritation with him. Thank you all for your input. Maybe I want being rude?
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2146732_tn?1336930741
Sorry half of my words are misspelled but that happens when your using a touch screen,sometimes when I go back& read what I've typed I'm like really? So many spelling errors on simple words.& not a one here WOW
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973741_tn?1342346373
I agree with the others that it seems a smaller thing to be fighting about but may be happening due to other tension.  Do you think on some level that he was using the 'bus' as an excuse to not come see you?  I know that would hurt my feelings.

On a base level to your question, sometimes sarcasm can just be a cover up for deep rooted anger at someone that a person is afraid to admit to.  Then they can innocently claim "I was just joking or being sarcastic" when their partner calls them on it rather than admit to the underlying issues going on.  That does happen.  

I missed your second to last comment that mentions that indeed you thought he was making an excuse (just scrolled back up and read that).  Well, I am sorry that sometimes you have doubts about his intentions.

I wish you two could get on the same page and be better able to communicate.  Because right now you two could be having misunderstandings that cause you to have bad feelings when if you both just tell the other how you are feeling----  it might be easily resolved.  You could say something like "I'm feeling insecure like maybe you don't want to come see me on thanksgiving and I really wanted to see you." Sometimes we have to put it out there and make ourselves vulnerable.  

Because otherwise, this is one of those types of things that isn't worth him or you reacting to---  the way you responded appears to not be a big deal so it makes one think more must have been going on.  

well, good luck
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Avatar_m_tn
I've got a friend who I really used to enjoy.  The guy had an incredible wit and was often very sarcastic.  What I found out is that a lot of his sarcasm revolved around his attitude.  There were a lot of things going on in his life that he was not addressing straight up, and being sarcastic was his way of attempting to address the problem.  His sarcasm left a lot of people wondering "what in the hell is really going on here?"

One of the last times I talked to this guy, I asked him..."what is going on?"  Immediately he jumped to sarcasm... "Oh nothing.  Everything is peachy."  (You could tell by the tone in his voice that things were not "peachy")  Then he went on to say that he was miserable at his job, his home life was horrible and a couple other real valid issues.

His problem was, he would not address the things he could.  Instead of looking for a better job or riding this one out for a while, he quit the job and was earning no income.  That put added pressure on his wife and the rest of the household, and therefore his home life was affected.  (He could not put the problem into proper perspective.)

I don't know what I am trying to get at here, but it is obvious that you are trying to make this work and are met with frustration, both from him and because of him.  Is couples counseling something you both would be interested in?  It would allow both of you to voice your opinions in front of a moderator, so to speak.

I wish you luck....
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2146732_tn?1336930741
Thank you. I do have a lot of outside issues going on. He& I both. Maybe but I have talked to him about consuling.
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Avatar_m_tn
That's good that you've talked about it.  Is he receptive to the idea?  As you mentioned, both of you have outside issues going on.  In order for everything to get on track, everyone has to get their issues in a row to make being together more "issue-less".

It's hard to do, but it can be done.  The hard part for most people is getting into a therapists office.  A lot of people don't think they have a problem.  I was that guy for a long time....

I wish you folks well....
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2146732_tn?1336930741
I meant to say haven't. He probably wouldn't be, idk. I will ask him. Something needs to be done or we're never gonna make it.
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2146732_tn?1336930741
I get an e-mail to choose an best answer and now that I want to Medhelp is not givinf me an option to do so.
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