Spouse's anger problem

I have been with my common-law spouse approx. 6 years. I own half of our home.  My spouse has a anger problem,
he gets mad, very easily.  If I ask him any questions of anything, he gets defensive and angry.  He has shoved me, many times, and the last time he was charged with assault  He had to leave our our home from approx. 4 months, and then the charges were dropped.  He went to anger management classes for 10 weeks.  He was better for a long time, but after about 8 months, it all is starting over again.  He gets very angry easily, things bother him in the house and he blames me, eg. our pets, two dogs, it they do anything wrong.  He gets angry at my son, and doesn't want him there, He is 18.  He does have many women friends who he contacts by email or texes, he lies alot, about alot of things, and if you question him on anything he gets really angry and usually leaves the house and doesn't come back for hours on end, then I get angry and it starts all over again when he does return.  The last time he hit me really hard. He punched me in my left breast, leaving me hurting and not being able to breathe, well for at least 3 days.  He says he is sorry, and still continues to really blame me, and he doesn't really seems sincere when is says he is sorry, and he things by contacting an ex lover and wishing her a Happy Valentines'd Day, that there is nothing wrong with that?  Am I the crazy one? or is it him and his anger issue?

[Life360]

Hi and sorry what your going through. When 2 people end up together financial reasons things can get out of hand. To me all of what you say is evidence of this and there is no real way to get it under control aside from realizing and accepting this. You are a good person in yourself and he is also a good person in himself but put the 2 of you together it often ends up this way. If the 2 of you can admit this somewhat to eachother and hold on to the material things you have and stop pushing eachothers buttons it can work. Also you son probably gets on his nerves for not helping out as much. The thing with the other girls, i believe could be the affection that is now missing in your relationship.
Talk to him about button pushing. Maybe sit down with him and have him write down things that bother him about you and vise versa. Communication is much more important than button pushing.

[hollywood133]

Thank-you for your reply, but this is not a financial thing, we are both, financially very wealthy, and we are also financially independent,  My son, yes, he may not be pulling his weight, but he is disabled, and is limited, but that is a whole other topic.  Also, my spouse has had all sorts of women friends from the past, ever since I have known him,. over 20 years, and when he was previously married, still have all these women friends, (which I was warned about) from his ex spouse, lol.  Yet, I never really paid any attention to it, except when I started to catch him in lies.  Yes, he is a good person, and he has a great many qualities, but the temper issue, is bad, and he gets angry so easily, when he is confronted or asked something, that he may have lied about, and he gets so defensive.. For the life of me, I think, any normal guy would answer a question, and not get angry, or if you mention something that he doesn't like, may change the subject, but not get so angry that he tells you to **** off, and walks out the door.

[specialmom]

So here is the deal, what I think is 'crazy' (not the word you picked but since you asked the question the way you did, I'll go with it . . . :>) )  is that you stay with him.  If it isn't a financial thing and you can sell off that portion of the house you own (via a lawyer making that mandatory) and live comfortably elsewhere, what the heck keeps you with him??  

He's physically hurt you sweetie!!  That is an absolute dealbreaker.  You GAVE him a chance to right the situation and while he 'got better' for a while, it didn't last meaning he can not be rehabilitated to not be violent, hostile and angry.  

There is no reason to stay.  

Of course it is inappropriate that he is texting other women.  Of course he is in the wrong to hurt you in any way.  But, there is also a codependent dance that you do with him that keeps you there.  NOT every woman would.  This is something for you to explore with a therapist dear as I just don't want you to ever repeat this.

Love is an emotion just like any other and no more important.  Love does not outweight anger.  Love should not keep a woman in an unsafe situation with a man that raises his voice and hand to her often.  You deserve a peaceful life in which you don't fear either manipulation through his leaving or his rage when he pushes you.  That is not a life and not a safe home.  And your son is older but still watching this.  You are modeling a dysfunctional relationship for him which he could internalize and begin unhealthy patterns down the road himself.  

Get out.  And do so without looking back or feeling bad for it.  good luck

[Nighthawk61]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down by your husband's bad behavior. The thing is, he did change for 8 months, and that shows you what he's capable of. It sounds like he needs more support, for his anger issues, and like an addict needing more support, their loved ones have to not fall into co-dependent behavior, but instead, cut through the denial with a loving intervention. It's evident that he needs further and continued support from a therapist, maybe the same therapist that he went to for his anger management classes, since they know the history (and continuity is a good thing). Anger is a powerful habit to break, and it really doesn't make sense to me that a person is given 10 sessions, and they're expected to be "fixed" for a lifetime. I think that you and your husband should have been seeing a marriage counselor in addition to his anger management classes.  The beauty is, if you are both wiling, you have the income to pursue as much support that's necessary.  The outcome may be the same, and that is that nothing can be done, but at least you known you've done all you can do to make it work, if you come at this from a place of logic and not just emotion. Two wrongs don't make a right.  

Something is keeping you two together, you don't need each other financially, so it stands to bare that it is love that is keeping you together throughout all of this. As such, maybe he will be willing to continue to get support outside of the marriage, you just don't know until you ask. Good Luck Hollywood. I hope everything works out for the best.

[specialmom]

He hits you.  End of story.  Leave him.