Suppressing Anger and Resentment

I am 20 and I have anger built up from childhood. I now have passive aggressive personality disorder. I also take my anger out on myself. I'm afraid of being in trouble, so I have to take my anger out in other ways. For about 5 years I didn't take any anger out at all, I kept it all inside, and it caused physical illnesses. I am afraid of my anger bc it's so intense, but I cant keep it inside anymore. I'm ruining all my relationships bc of my passive aggressive behavior. I don't even know why I'm angry, but it's so intense! What am I gonna do? It's ruining my life :(

[brice1967]

Hey....  Take a deep breath and try to relax for a second or so.  I want to take a few minutes to point a few things out to you that I think you aren't even aware of what you said.  (I mean no disrespect and I totally feel what you are going through.)

One of your last sentences above says, "I don't even now why I'm angry."  Hold on to that for a minute and then go back to your initial post and read the first sentence you wrote.  "I am 20 and I have anger built up from CHILDHOOD".   Sounds like you answered part of your problem right there.

Are you seeing a therapist?  If not, you should consider it... at all costs.  There is help out there, but you have to go get it.  Admitting there is an issue is the first step and it takes a brave person to admit that, so good on you!

I used to repress everything.  I mean everything, and every once in a while, I'd have this blow out that seems to have come out of nowhere.  When we repress things, we store them... then the next little thing that makes us mad, we just throw that on to the heap.  Then the next, then the next, then the next and something small happens and we lose control.  It isn't the last little thing that is making us freak out, it is that whole stinking pile of little things that is doing it....

About 15 years ago, I lost my grandfather who was my male role model then lost my father a month or 2 later.  My life was already somewhat out of control, then these 2 whoppers happen.  (Not much help considering my already steaming situation.)  My professional life was about as bad as it could be, I was not dealing with my depression diagnosis and I literally lost myself for a while.  2 years ago, I hit complete bottom.  Everything I needed to turn around and be happy was right in front of me, but that heap of garbage I had been storing all of my life was standing in the way....  I about ruined my family, but it was then when I realized that I needed help.  I went and got help and am completely a different person today.  Completely different, and it amazes my family and friends.

Please seek some professional help, and don't be afraid to vent here as a supplement to the professional help.  You can do this and it is so worth the effort.

[fibrofighterX]

Thanks! I am seeing a couple therapists and I'm on a lot of meds. I know that there's something that happened in childhood but I can't remember what it was. Most of the memories are blocked. But whatever happened, I still have strong feelings about it. My therapists are like 'here's how to deal with the moment' but that doesn't seem to help bc it's really not the moment it's the pile up, like u said. How did u work on it?

[brice1967]

Good question, how did I work on it?  By talking to the therapists.  The more I talked, the more I uncovered.  I had all of my issues stored under a pile of issues.  (Think of dirty laundry.  You throw a shirt on the floor, then a pair of pants, then some underwear, then another shirt, more pants, some t shirts... now this pile is so big, you can't see whats on the bottom.  That's how we cover our issues up, by letting them pile up, so to speak.)

A lot of my problems revolved around the relationship I had with my father.  At my very core, I knew that relationship was bad news.  But I so wanted to have this wonderful father-son relationship, so I just blew off all of the bad things that were happening.  There were some good times, and I counted on those very few times to make things right.  (We know that isn't how things work.)  

The relationship was as dysfunctional as it could get, and honestly.... my dad didn't want to be a dad all of the time.  It showed, and he took it out on me.

So when my therapist asked, "what kind of relationship did you have with your dad?', I was real quick to talk about all of the fishing trips, hunting trips and good times.  I was protecting that dysfunctional relationship and hiding all of the mental/emotional abuse.  The therapist knew that... she could just tell.  Then she asked, "what about the tougher, rougher times?".

That's when the whole story came out.  Look, we were talking about a good 30 something years at the time, so it took a damned long time to spit the whole situation out.  Then I started to get some validation... "No wonder why you are pissed off and no wonder why you had this anxiety!  You had no idea "what dad" you were going to get at any time and that filtered over into every day life".  

It totally made sense.  Then I had to go back through that big pile of dirty laundry and work through all of those issues.

I am the kind of guy who doesn't take much crap.  Never have been.  I'd let my dad run me through the wringers, but nobody else and that caused problems because I'd bring heat that should have been directed towards my father and that situation, into other situations.  When I'd freak out, that left me feeling bad....  it was just a cycle of crap...  no better explanation.

But as time when by in therapy, I sorted all of the laundry and dealt with the things I could deal with, and I also learned that I can only be in control of me and how I act.  Learning that was big, because I used to take everything as a personal attack.

I feel that if you keep working with your therapists, you can and will get through this pile of laundry.  It just takes a while.  Yeah, its frustrating and its hard.  You end up talking about things that are uncomfortable, but once its out there, you start to feel better when you get validation for how you feel about those things.

Maybe I am a special kind of nut (LOL).  Looking back at the laundry analogy, as I'd peel away another layer I would say, "oh yeah, here's this dirty thing" and would go through it in detail with the therapist.  More validation would come and I'd learn more techniques to deal with those things as they popped up.

I also began reading.  It started here at medhelp and then just blew up.  I started looking at all of the cases like mine.  Started learning everything I could about my diagnosis (clinical/severe depression disorder and severe anxiety) and learning what other people were doing about it.  I started writing page upon page of the things I was talking about in therapy and what was discovered in therapy sessions.

It's really hard man, because you are know being asked to take a real good honest look at you and all of the crap that happened in your life.  Then it took getting over 'how could I let that crap happen to me".  Then it took realizing that I can only be in control of me and the things I do.

All of this stuff started coming together out of the blue, kind of.  The first 4-8 sessions in therapy weren't that life changing, I thought.  Then... stuff started to happen.

You keep talking, I'll keep helping.  I've got to get some things done around the office, but Ill be back later or at the lastest, tomorrow.

Good luck and keep after it.  I think you're on the right track!