WHY?

I guess I don't understand why my husband of 20 yrs is so good to me and takes good care of me,but  if we are out in public shopping he will start screaming at me like I am a small child until I start crying and walk away.then he screams more when I just ask him to please stop he is embarrassing and humiliating me. feel so low people staring at me a lady coming up to me telling me she just felt so sorry for me.I stopped even going shopping with him for months.started going again after a about a year went last nite......I guess he thought we were just picking up dinner and I though were doing our weekly shopping...even tho I know we discussed getting our kids  afew things and doing our shopping but as usual I get I never said that! he told me we had food at home and all we have is eggs and bread!and canned veggies...he hates for me to buy food but if he does it is ok.so I put everything back I had picked out.he was mad he then wanted to keep it..I said no according to you we have food at home so I;m good.so I just bought the food for my kids.and left it at that and I informed him he would go back to doing the shopping of course he denied screaming at me humiliating me and makin me cry which was more screaming in the store, Finally I just said I'll be good  just please stop!then he said I didn't do anything!went home he had a pissed look on his face and bought  beer.i said I told him he was just gonna drink and then tell me what he really thinks about me,but he did not drink we watched a movie I ignored him then..... as usual he kissed me and apologized i said it was it was my fault just to get past it.then in his world everything was fine but in mine I just felt so bad and knowing that I cannot tell anyone because they get mad at me and say they see how good he is to me and how much he loves me I have some serious health issues and have to go to the doc alot well...he lost his job supposedly for missing so much work due to me well  I feel so bad and  still do  but I know he went in late for no reason just what time he felt like going and I know they got on to him and  he got 3 days unpaid off due to  it and was told to, be there on time,but I think the real reason he got fired was that for yrs he just went in late with no reason....now I refuse to let him be late due to my appts.!he has a different job now....really I live in a sad world...he never takes me anywhere he will never just say hey lets go out to a movie or a club  or anything I asked him why and he said that we never make plans he said I never ask to go anywhere or mention anything..of course got screamed at yet again because he says I need to let him know and my point was why don't he ever just want to go somewhere with me?OMG can't believe I am crying!...I get so angry everyone tells me what a great life I have he takes care of me and i need his medical ins I informed them I am fully capable of taking care of myself.I felt so bad my kids knew something was wrong when we dropped the food off to them...but don't have the greatest relationship with them if they now anything they will find ways to be men and use it against me somehow.know probably sounds crazy! Just really keep to myself mind my own business..sometimes I wonder what real happiness feels like??sure would not mind knowing:) anyways maybe I will figure things out someday!

[Samantha_Dragon]

Does you're husband just get upset and start yelling about social situations?
Because it would kind of like a social anxiety disorder.
Also I think you should have some friends that aren't friends with your husband if you don't already, because it sounds like you need some one to talk things out with and your husband isn't willing to.
Another possibility is going to see a therapist or a marriage counselor. If you think that would help.
You seem like you are being the bigger person most of the time but just giving him his way isn't really solving anything in the long run.
Good luck with your husband. I hope things get better for you.

[Averybusymom]

He's a big baby and using you and your medical condition as an excuse to be lazy. Next time he starts a tyrade, walk out.

[Nighthawk61]

well, the days of unpaid work don't have to do with you, so don't feel guilty. If he was helping you, that's one of the prices we pay if we're in love right? so why feel guilty. since your family doesn't see what you see, i take it he acts normally around family. If he only does this while shopping or in public, i would say he's suffering from something to do with being in public, so don't go in public with him. does he recognize he's got a problem at all in public? if you can get him to a therapist, if you can't you tried. Let it go. Stay out of public with him. If this is something you don't want to "accept" then leave for yourself. You're a woman and don't need a reason to start over. It's really nobody's business what you choose to do or why.  I hope you keep posting. If it helped at all. We're here for you for the long run, if you want. You may not have lot's of friends out there that understand but you can make some on Medhelp here. Maybe that would help? Liz

[Nighthawk61]

AND, okay, i re read your story. If the man apologizes take that as a start in the right direction. Why would you say it was your fault at that point? If you want a kid to do something, you give them some rules, and if they fail and say sorry, would you say, "no, it's not you, it's me?" Please stop with the conflicting messages. Passivity is not the answer for you.

[Siona]

I'm in an emotionally abusive marriage and I see many common things in your story. it seems that he is abusing you emotionally, sounds like he knows how to upset you and how to bring you back. I would welcome his apology and question my own sense of self-respect (as I'm trying to at the moment), and also think of example you are setting out for your boys. They may treat their wives just like their father treats you.

[UKlady1001]

It appears as though your husband wishes to isolate you by doing all the shopping and being aggressive etc.,  Your illness may also make him feel he is in control.  From my experience this is dominating behaviour.
Dominators feel the need to be in control of others in order to feel powerful.

Whether my observation is correct or not, I would encourage you to build freindships with women locally and consider interests of your own.  Your husband may make a fuss if he feels threatened by your independance but none the less, making small steps towards your independance as well as support from new freindships will open your life up in a positive way.
You could of course offer to go to counselling with your husband if you wish to do this and if he refuses you can go on your own but invite him to join you.  

As you invest in a happier life for yourself you may also find as your relationship with yourself changes you also are able to get on with your boys in a new way too.

The fact you are asking the questions is great, and may mean this is the right time for you to make changes to your life.

I wish you wellness and happiness

[fred001]

im a little confused u said that u dont understand how ur husband is so good to u...then u say he yells at u so bad where people actually walk up and say they feel sory for u..also u said when he bought the beer u were afraid that he was going to tell u how he really felt about u after he drank it...u really need to take a better look and realize that hes not good to u..and if something is not ur fault dont appoligize that will just make his abuse worse if he thinks u will blame ur self every time he yells like that..trust me this behavior is not from someone who is good to you..i hope u can seee this...fred