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how to stop my husband from yelling at me?
My husband and I have been together for 7+ years and married for 4 years now and we have a 20 month old son. We are both working professionals. Ever since I have been pregnant, my husband has been yelling at me when he gets stressed out by any situation. If my alarm clock went off and I didn't turn it off quickly enough he would scream at me "TURN OFF THE F****ING THING". When our son was little and woke up at night to feed, he would scream at me if I didn't wake up quickly enough. When our son was sick and had a high temperature, he started screaming at me. Recently he got fired from his job, because he screamed at the HR. This morning our car's battery died and he started screaming at me. My reaction varies between complete confusion, to panic, to sometimes screaming back at him. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. After each screaming episode he would not talk to me for a few days and then act as if nothing happened and be overly nice to me. If I dare to bring it up with him, he gets mad at me again. For the past 7 months he has slowly stopped socializing with all our friends, he does not like us going to our friend's place or going anywhere. I'm from another country and don't have any family here. When after one of his screaming episodes I threatened to leave him he said he would take my son away from me. I feel really isolated and depressed. I want to make our marriage work, but I feel like I'm losing my sanity on this roller coaster ride.
How can I stope all the yelling and cursing? I know this is having a very negative effect on my child.
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I am 51. Been with my husband since 1998... married for 8 years and had two children with him, both have mild to moderate special needs.Had three children from a previous marriage [husband passed away] who are now all adults.
Previous to marriage, we were together for about a year before we broke up. I was so in love with this man, that I would accept his calls and intimacy after the breakup. He would come around occasionally or call but wouldn't commit to anything... sometimes not even show up when he was said he would be over. My older children have their own issues and have resentment toward him for their individual reasons and he has resentment toward them for one reason or another.
Before him, I owned my home with a small mortgage, a car without a loan, nice furniture and managed everything myself. After him, everything we needed repair has either been broken or damaged by him. He doesn't seem to know how to have nice things, despite living in a well kept home. All the savings I had and owned is gone or in jeopardy. My antoques are all damaged in some way. Nothing is worth anything.

He grew up in a severely dysfunctional family where his older brothers beat on them mercilessly and let their friends taunt he and his twin. I strongly dislike his family and especially his mother, a retirred cardiac nurse. She let them fend for themselves and fight everything out. I refuse to engage her when she gets nasty. On the verge of Alzheimer's, I cannot even imagine caring for her or having her in my home full time.

This is just the background... My husband has always told me he had a bad temper, but I never fully saw it. It has just been the last 3-4 years that he has become more verbal. Here and there, I saw this look he gets when he gets angry that looks so crazy and scary. It took the worst turn when one day he knocked hot coffee from my hand and wrestled me to the back of the sofa and choked me. Cops came and convinced me that he was the bread winner etc. First thing he did was call his twin and tell him tearfully he was going to jail. Then he obeyed the cops and went to his mother over a 100 miles away for the weekend. Since, he verbalized how all women are cheaters, liars, drama queens and cry to get their ways and if they could be punched by a guy and he wouldn't go to jail for it, they would not be that way. He has been getting angrier and angrier everytime something happens. He's pushed me and grabbed me gritting his teeth and yelling at me in my face in the last two months. 5 days ago, my grandson who is almost 4 years old climbed up into my 7 year olds bed and sat on his back and started walloping him with his fists, hitting him with a toy and tried to choke him from behind [btw he wasn't a witness to my husnad doing this to me several years earlier]. I don't know why my grandson did this or why he has a problem with hitting which is not related to my husband. I got to the stuation first, and tried to get him out of my son's bed,... actually saw him doing this act and my husband pushed past me and grabbed him roughly out of my son's bed and screamed in his face, following him down the hall to another bedroom and continued for minutes. My daughter ran in and she tried to stop it, to which my husband replied, "Don't ever f**n hit my kids again!" Of course my daughter and her husnad left. The whole time I was trying to stop him from screaming at him and for this he screamed in my face when they left. When I asked why he was directing it at me, he said it was because I told him he was wrong and to stop. I could tell the whole dialog but you get the picture.

My behaviour towards him is so different from when we were first married. I am at the point where I don't know how I feel, or what to do. I want to do, but I have no money and no means to take care of my two youngest. The youngest of the older three from my first marriage is only 19, but lives at home though she is working full time as an RDA making decent money. I have medical care coming up and you know, I am passed caring if I make it through surgery. I used to be decent looking, healthy and active. I have no friends and my family life is fallen apart. I can't help him. I can barely help myself anymore. I have had counseling in the past... he went to the first meeting and quit. We still aren't talking and to be honest, I don't care. It used to make me crazy. Now I am hurt and cry. I am not even sure why I am even writing this. I can look for help all I want, but he needs help to end this terrible legacy and sickness.
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Hello all!

I definitely can relate. My husband have been together for six years, however, just this last year he started this awful yelling routine. He has had many stressors that may be contributing... Such as being layed off from three different jobs in the past year, as well as my chronic illness. I have a rare deadly disease called wegeners that has taken tole on our marriage. I am a morally supportive wife, do 90% of the house chores, handle all the administrative areas, as well as being the breadwinner. I just don't know what to do to make him stop.. He flips out daily about small stuff ie. "why does your coffee always tast like f....ing sh...t!" or "is that f...ing" water on the floor?!". I remember when I was having a panic attack he yelled "calm the f...k down!"  I believe this started when I became severely I'll last year and did not have the energy to stand up to him. As the saying goes "people treat you the way you let them".  He doesn't want to do marriage therapy. He attributes his explosions as.... "you made me do it!" Zero ownership. When I threatened to leave him, He escalates and I spend the next hour trying to console him. I don't see this resolving. I'd like to leave him, but I am concerned about him hurting himself.. He has threatened it before. Not sure what to do. Thoughts?
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his anger and abusiveness is not your fault. These men are egostistical whiners who are selfish and when things get tough in the real world or they can't get their way, even if they can't get a hard on! They want to blame you for all their shortcomings so they don't have to face the reality of their own pathetic selves as failures of  what they didn't acheived or what they don't have because of you, and how much they think their friends have. Wake up women. Scheme and plan for a future for yourselves and stash everything you can for the moment to RUN!
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Yeah, my husband yells a lot but claims he's just talking loud. Say's he's always been that way. Has been this way now for 36 years and maintains that he's not yelling..as his voice gets louder....and louder..no physical abuse, no name calling on either side but it's the constant loud sounds coming from his voice box that gets on my nerves. I tried whispering when he gets loud so he would have to be quiet to hear me. Then he yells again because he can't hear me....the radio is blasting all the time because he says it's too quiet to hear. I think he's got hearing loss if he needs to yell all the time and keep the radio blasting at home and in the car.  Think he needs anger management or a hearing test?
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My husband of 5years was injured at work a couple of years ago about the same time or son was born. I always knew he had anger problems but he had already been to anger management and had never been angry with me. Well about a year or so ago he started getting really verbally abusive. He would tell me I was retarded call me an unfit mother and everything else you can think of. He even yells at me if I wake him up to get him to share the bed with me, the couch isn't exactly comfy. He also yells at our son for just about anything. He says it is because he feels worthless because he can't work and have to and that he doesn't mean it but why should we have to be yelled at because of it. It isn't our fault. I don't even have friends anymore because he would never let me talk to them do they just ignore me now . I dknt know what to do but it is really destroying me inside and probably my son too. Sorry this is so long just really needed to tell someone.
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verbal abuse starts when you feel uncomfortable, not when the abuser tells you it does...take if from me, my husband tells me it is all me, I am too sensitive, but I know if it hurts you or makes you feel unworthy or demeaned then it is verbal abuse, no start time it just always was
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do not count on change, the only thing you can do to change this is change your location from him....
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Hey...I'd really like to hear how you overcame your anger issues.  My husband and I have been married for 16 years and we have three children.  It seems his anger just gets worse and if it weren't for the kids, I'd leave him.  My brother and sister are divorced so I know this isn't a great decision and has a lot of repercussions.  I am really trying to hang on...
Thanks for any help!!
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I feel your pain.  Been here for 16 years.  Kids don't want me to divorce their dad, but we all live in misery because of his mood swings and mean words.  I wish I had a solution.  I married someone who can be a really great person/dad, then turns into a total a** at the drop of a hat.  He has taken to making little digs about me to the kids too.  I hate it.  And usually I hate him!  
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hey guys im suffering with the same prblm we got married 7mnts ago from the day 4 he started showing anger at me he says that every women should listen to her husband women shoulkd not get anger or any emotions she should not have any emotions when i shout at him.some times he breaks all the valueble things and sometimes he himself hits to wall or windows im afraid of his behaviour i dont know what to do.if show anger at him he will say that he will give divorse to me .he will never spend time with me.always he will shout or roar at me.what to do pls any one let me out of this guys
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hey guys im suffering with the same prblm we got married 7mnts ago from the day 4 he started showing anger at me he says that every women should listen to her husband women shoulkd not get anger or any emotions she should not have any emotions when i shout at him.some times he breaks all the valueble things and sometimes he himself hits to wall or windows im afraid of his behaviour i dont know what to do.if show anger at him he will say that he will give divorse to me .he will never spend time with me.always he will shout or roar at me.what to do pls any one let me out of this guys
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It seems the nicer i get the louder he becomes. He yells and and curses then he later turns it around and blames it on all on me.
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I am  sorry to say the children are not a good reason to stay in an abusive relationship and it is unfair to them.My children told me they wondered why their lives were different from other children from divorced parents well first of all no matter what your issues are put your children first we never talked bad about each other to our children and even though it was different and difficult we did not want our children to suffer so they never had to live the life of children in a divorced relationship we still did things as a family and kept our children lives as normal as possible and now looking back on it we both realize we did give our children a close to normal as possible life .we are proud of that because to this day even tho they are grown they thank us for the normal stable life that makes it so worth it!.As for your relationship if you ant to fight for it and it is worth it try some type of counseling if you are sure there is no hope then it is best to move on.
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I've been reading some of the follow up posts on this page, and most of the posts I read are form the victims, be they male or female. Not much offered by way of solutions. Obviously there is not quick and easy fix. I landed on this page, because I am the verbally abusive boyfriend looking to change. And I can say that after spending 30 minutes reading the posts here last night, I woke up this morning, spoke to my GF in a friendly tone, and gave her a kiss. I know that it's only day one, but it seems to me, that I need to continue reading/research/educating myself, for at least 30 minutes a night.

To all the victims, as far as I know, as of now, all you can do is :

a) decide whether you think your partner is willing to change
b) if they are, have them come here and spend some time reading/learning. If they are not, I suspect you are in a relationship which will either ultimately, tragically fail, or you will live a very long, lonely and sad life.

How many murder/suicides do you see on the news each night, and how many don't you see. I think the difference is education. Educating yourself if you are the perpetrator, is the only way to change.

The more I think about it, the more all of the above makes sense to me. I can rave on endlessly with supporting reasons for the above, and I think I probably will with additional posts.

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4290390 tn?1368429942
He has to start respecting you for who you are. This is very serious and if he can't do you should better leave him sooner rather than later.
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help me my husband just HAD to retire and he yells constantly. every little thing from not putting cookies on a xmas plate right to stirring the pasta with the wrong spoon. Day after day. help me
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this is much easier said that done. I have been married to thisman for 36 years.  He has always managed to  make ( or at least try to) me believe his rages are caused by the fact that I don't listen to him ( or give a damn enoiugh about him to listen) and he says it builds up in him until he can't take it anymore and has to 'tell' me about it.   He insists that I think it is always about me, yet I spend SO much of my day wondering if I am doing what ever task the way he would want me to.  Hoping it will please him and we can have a good day/evening.  He can be very loving and romantic most of the time but there is this other side to him that scares me and the things he says to me are so cruel and hurtful.  He even accused me tonight of unconsciously doing things to make his life difficult or hurt him.  I am not that forward thinking.  I end up being the one to apologise even though I know I am doing it just to make him 'love ' me again.
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This is exactly what my husband says. Same thing...as if he was cut put of the same cloth.
He almost always starts this when I'm trapped in the car with him on a long trip.
Last night...I recorded him on my phone. I recorded 30 minutes of his 2 hour SCREAMING rant.  
I'm not sure what to do with the recording. Play it for his Catholic Priest? IDK...
It always happens when he's doing something nice for me. Like taking me to a horse event I would enjoy and out to dinner.
I usually don't say much.
Saddly...it's almost humorous to watch a grown man throwing such a sever temper tantrum. Maybe that's my coping mechanism. I chech out and think about how pathetic and unhealthy his behavior is. He doesn't get the control of me he desires. That escalates his anger. He tries to coach me into calming him down by telling me what to say that would work for him. He gets himself into a mental cul-de-sac...repeating himself...screaming that I didn't listen to him the first time. (or 2nd, or 3rd...I guess...lol!)
Any suggestions??
How do you cope and put up with this behavior? It's like a living a nightmare!
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there are really nice men out there that are lonely beaucse someone didn't treat them nice as well. Also you can be an amazing person without a man.  Long story short, you DO NOT have to live with someone that doesn't appreciate you.  Doesn't matter if there is a child /children involved.  Some day they will respect you all the more for your strength and your choices.
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4790301 tn?1359221560
also when a guy yells or gets easilly jelious it means he cares for u deeply i know it sounds crazy but its true.i had a girl friend if she wanted to have a girls night out it would bother me i wanted all of her attension and i  think the reason he acted like there was nothing wrong is because he didnt mean it from his heart at least i didnt..but this is what i wanted to tell u..theres a saying you dont know what u got till its gone.next time he ells at u take ur son to a hotell for a few days make him realize how lucky he is to have u and ur son then he will change..he can not take ur son i know in other countrys the father gets custody but not in america 99 percent of the time the father gets screwed and if u have ur son when u leave he will have to take u to court..life is way too short to live that way ..u need to ask ur self do u really love him?if u do u cant just sit back and take the abuse u need to make him realize what he has..dnt b afraid if he hits u he will go to jail and u will get ur son not him....goodluck...fred
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4790301 tn?1359221560
very touching indeed my heart went out to you i really hate to comment when i dont know the people involved but i must say ur husband doesnt appreciae you..and i also hate to see marrages not work but sometimes a seperation is what is needed so he can see what a wonderfull wife u truely are..then maybe he will change...fred
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Hello, I need to write you back. When I was reading your story, it's exactly the same as mine. I have 3 children and going through absolutely the same what you are going through. I am also the foreigner here. How is the situation now? My husband yells at me constantly, insults me in front of my children. I used to react badly, now I am quite. IT's much worse, when I was yelling back and fighting with him. But I don't want to be as him. I don't want to behave like an primitive immature child. My small children are more mature then him. IT's very sad how he treats me, but I kind of got use to it. I am very sad and scared for my great children. I gave promise to stay in marriage. I don't break promises. I want my kids to be fine.
TIll I got married, my life was very good in every way, so I say,  I need to have some cross in my life. MY husband is the one. Write me, if you can. Thanks. HOpefully thinks got better.
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He has no rights to stop you from going anywhere you want to go. It is your right to go anywhere if you want and I cannot stop you from traveling. I also get yelled at and I really do not like it. If he ever yell at you, curse at you, threatens to beat you up and or beats you up. Just call the police. He is the 1 that is going to be arrested, not you or your son. Sending him to prison should stop from yelling at you. In prison, they have very tough punishments that your husband does not want. It'll not kill him but it gives him lessons that he needs to learn and he really has to learn to talk in nice low tones. To tell you the real truth, nobody likes getting yelled at so we'll have to deal with it!
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Mine is not willing to admit he has a yelling problem or the times he does acknowledge it he places the blame on me or the children in some way.  I don't know why he can't just stop yelling. He has 3 beautiful boys that he is going to teach to grow up to be rageful hateful souls.  I do not want that for them.  I feel like he reverses all the good I try to do for them.  If he could just be happy we'd have a beautiful life but I am so close to ending the marriage b/c his yelling/raging ruins everything.  We've been married for 13 years and have  1,2 and 8 year old boys.  They are beautiful and I want the very best for them.  He is a great man other than the yelling...but the yelling affects everything.
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4290390 tn?1368429942
Yelling is not necessary and in front of children totally unacceptable. The boys will struggle making friends as a result of this learnt anti-social behaviour. Your husband should and will realise this – latest when he sees it, but then it will be much harder for the boys to unlearn.

I recommend you speak to your husband about it calmly when you have some downtime. Don’t get angry when you speak about it ;-) Maybe try a money jar – everytime he yells, he needs to put money in the jar and apologise. The boys can participate… and will learn from their Dad as they observe his own efforts to learn something.
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My husband is also such a horrible thing to me.He shouts and never ready to listen or understand my words.I've tried a lot to sit calmly and talk but it worsen more the situation.He shouts again he stop talking to me.Here I have no relatives & feel very lonely.After 10 years of merriage it has become very tiring for me.I want to get relived from this situation.
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Have you gotten out of this relationship since 2010?  Has it improved?  No offense, just a question but are you overweight, or kind of stopped taking care of yourself physically and emotionally?  The reason I ask is because after my children I did gain weight, worked many hours and stopped exercising.  I feel that I am not as attractive as I could be and it is a self esteem issue.  My husband yells, and yells and is so angry that my kids and I just make jokes out of it. I no longer will use the  'PASSIVE AGRESSIVE" syndrome.  He can be kind, loving and helpful, but he is still a yelling jerk, has anger issues, is angry for no apparent reason.  However, in public he appears to be the nicest guy.  He is a house devil, does not hit me nor my kids, but if I had allowed it he would.  I would like to leave him, and may, but I am not working and would like better stability. What I am trying to say is, I have been with my husband for 27 years, married 21 years and s he does not have respect for me and does not care if I am mad, and does act like it never happened. You should not have to put up with it, tell your husband to stop yelling or tell him to leave. Money is not everything nor material things. Your sanity is!!!!
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My husband is a yeller with low self esteem and a controlling will.  Seconds later he will act as if nothing happened.  We have been married 25 years and our son is 21.  He refuses to even talk to his father for fear of being berated and yelled at.  "Sitting down and calmly talking it over" doesn't work; suggesting therapy doesn't work.  "It's my fault; and according to him I'm the one with the problem.  I subsequently withdraw to my room to get away.  Can't leave due to finances, so I'm stuck. I've been on Lorazapaman and Sertraline for 2 yrs but trying to wean myself off and that's not working either.  Sadly I will have to continue the meds.  Oh, and I don't remember the last time we had sex, or the last time even kissed or hugged me.  So sad and so sorry. :(
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I am sorry for all of you women who have to endure all this yelling. I think yelling is really about fear. Men are probably most afraid during shaky economical times. Most of you seem financially dependent on your men. If there is an adult school that teaches computer classes or other training so that you can get independent would make you less fearful.

Yelling can be a good thing in that it is a form of communication even if it is uncomfortable. It is a juvenile way to communicate however and you shouldn't tolerate it if it makes you uncomfortable. There are also women's shelters if you are afraid.

If you have children and it is continuous then you need a counselor. There are often sliding scale fees as low as $20 through school districts or county health.

My boyfriend's father yelled at him all his life and he yells whenever I bring up his career or our relationship. That is fear!  When someone is afraid the best medicine is exposure to what they are afraid of. But you have to limit it to 5 minutes, then maybe longer later. They also need time to process the new information. Studies have proven that men's brains work much slower when processing relationship information. Explains a lot!
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First of all. Stay safe.  Avoid confronting your husband when he is angry or getting angry.  It may not seem like it now, but this is a serious problem that only gets worse--at the very least with long term consequences to your child's adjustment and behavior.  It is NOT your fault. YOU can't change or do anything to please a person with an anger management problem.  He or she must decide to change and recognize what he or she is doing!  Do not let the situation continue. If things aren't too bad insist he as an individual get anger management counseling.  If things are worse, watch it!!!!  Be careful of marriage counselors who like to say the problem is 50-50. It never is when 50 percent of the couple has an anger problem.  Consult a good marriage counselor if that what it takes to convince your husband he needs to do this before you can work on your relationship together as a couple. If things are beyond this, you may need to talk to a police officer, or volunteers from a battered women's shelter, hospital, AA group, or safe house for advice and find out how to plan an emergency exit and have money and a place to go without announcing your plans to your husband.
Don't listen only to friends and relatives, or other posters, no matter how well meaning they all are. You can get some good advice that way, but getting professional help is much better, safer, and more effective!  Again, it may seem safe, and if may be, but even so, it's still important that you Do NOT confront your husband with anger when he is already angry.  You do not know how far he might go--and he might not know either until he has. You may have to leave the house to be safe and save the relationship.  I hope things aren't that bad, and you do not have to.  Good luck.
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6063723 tn?1378836815
To all those that say "leave", you should be ashamed, abandoning a loved one is not an answer. When someone is yelling and angry about small things it is an Autonomic Anger Response. You need to understand it has nothing to do with you. To get started, don't threaten them. Tell them that the yelling is a deal breaker for the relationship, it is hurting you and you don't want to have to leave them to protect yourself. Tell them you love them and want to see them happier. Give them a deadline for some progress, like 3 months. Therapy is great if you can find a good therapist but it is very expensive. There are some good books that will work almost as well because it has more to do with his desire to change and hold on to you than anything and once given the information on why he is angry and yelling, he has to make the change.
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6063723 tn?1378836815
To all those that say "leave", you should be ashamed, abandoning a loved one is not an answer. When someone is yelling and angry about small things it is an Autonomic Anger Response. You need to understand it has nothing to do with you. To get started, don't threaten them. Tell them that the yelling is a deal breaker for the relationship, it is hurting you and you don't want to have to leave them to protect yourself. Tell them you love them and want to see them happier. Give them a deadline for some progress, like 3 months. Therapy is great if you can find a good therapist but it is very expensive. There are some good books that will work almost as well because it has more to do with his desire to change and hold on to you than anything and once given the information on why he is angry and yelling, he has to make the change.
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My husband screams at me that I criticize him all the time; when all I asked was that he not tell the dog to go to the back door; having her walk across the house with soaking wet feet. I mentioned that he should have the towel at the front door if he's going to let her out there. I got screamed at! Not ordinary screaming, but blood-curdling, horrifying, abusive screaming to "Shut up! Shut up, Shut up! Then, Shut the f___ up!" Being screamed at that I am always criticizing him, and when I said that I'm not, he screams more saying that I'm not going to have the last word; "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! SHUT THE F___ UP!"

I can't say anything to him. Anything that crosses him the wrong way, he immediately screams now! Constantly!

My son came home from school with extremely low blood-sugar and was arguing that he didn't want a left-over for lunch. And again he is screaming how he was going to be late for his appointment with his trainer and he pays for it; and he's going to cancel it! GET OUT NOW! GET OUT! GET OUT! The same blood-curdling screams! It's insane!

He wonders why I am out at the gym for 3 hours. I have no haven anymore. He even works out of the house now. I have no place to go! I am feeling so scared and hurt, and I'm tired of crying. I don't want to leave him, but my younger son (who's 16) is afraid he's going to hurt me for just asking him something that rubs him the wrong way.

Did I really say anything wrong? Why am I made to feel that I did something wrong by asking someone to not let tell the dog to walk across the house with wet feet? I'm the one who will have to wipe it up at almost 1am!! Is it me, or is he going a bit crazy, taking everything out of context that I'm criticizing him about something. Either way, that doesn't excuse someone for their abusive behavior. It's insaneness in my home, and I don't feel safe when he gets like that. Lately is very often. I don't have anywhere to just curl up and relax. I stay up late at night because it's the only time I have a little peace and quiet to myself. I've been falling asleep on the sofa lately and I don't feel like I want to lay next to him. I've become fearful of him. I've talked to my brother-in-law because he has seen him get this way, and it's inexcusable. Nobody deserves to get bullied into submission. He keeps complaining that he can't live this way with all my complaining, but I'm even complaining if I mention that he didn't read the label when he washed my shirt and it said "line dry." I haven't even been complaining that he constant leaves food in the sink after he rinses his plate off. I didn't even say anything even though there was rice and sticky duck sauce splattered in the sink. Would it be so difficult to rinse the sink out? But when I've said that before, he goes ballistic about my complaining.

I don't know what to do? I'm feeling so stuck! I do love him, and he is hard-working man who many times can be very loving, but he flips like a light switch and I'm feeling that it is getting impossible to live like this. Needing serious help.
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I´d like to add something, I have been reading a few of these comments. It´s sad to see the same patterns over and over, well i have found out the following. I am a husband myself, and I am constantly yelling with my wife, I know I am in the wrong. I also know my wife is in the wrong sometimes too (as she admits it).
I found out that as a son, my mother would do everything for us, take care of us, etc... so, as a grown up, having had care all my life, I have also grown into an undeveloped man. Don´t get me wrong, I´m very loving, romantic, etc... however, I am also a ******* sometimes, especially when I am nagged at, criticized, or if my wife keeps mentioning the past mistakes i´ve made (which I already asked her to forgive me for). So, when I´m frustrated from her behaviour, I yell. I hate it, this is NOT the type of man I want to be, it´s truly something horrible. You know about "fight or flight"? the reaction you get when you´re angry... well, i fight.

So I am desperate, my wife desires to seperate, she doesn´t hate me, but she feels we are incompatible, it may be so, however, this is very painful, because she is the love of my life.

Anyhow I came to this website, because i´m trying to find a solution. May GOD help me.

Pat.
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I searched on google for this problem and ran into this forum, i have realized that my boyfriend has anger issues... we are going to get married and move in together soon and start our life but this problem makes me to be cynical about our future... I just have a little hope that by the time he would change but what if he won't?
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when you get angry you can't be calm and not to yell? is it that hard?
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I was married to a guy that had issues with anger way before we married. I thought the same thing you did he will change. But he didn't. If I could have gone back and demanded that he take an anger management class  I would have prevented a lot of pain and sorrow. It does take a lot of work to control anger. Sometimes it takes years.
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Truer words have never been spoken....we all need to remember that it is Not our fault....... Let me guess, does everyone else whose husband yells at them, get along with your mother in law?
Mine says everything is my fault, sound familiar?
Now we know where he gets it from......
Unfortunately, the miserable, depressed angry men, who can't admit their faults And don't seek treatment typically don't change.....of course we rationalize love......but let's face it...this stuff ***** an didn't love!
We deserve better, right ladies?
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jhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
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hello everyone, i am here to share my testimony on how i conceived my baby. i have been married to my husband for 18years without no issue. my husband has been tested and i too have been tested. but no issue. i had problems with my in-laws even my husband started to have new affairs aside our marriage. it was a very terrible thing to bear. i became a laughing stock among my pear, i prayed and fasted and nothing happened. i was now seen as always unhappy. after many medical treatment and there is no way. i took it as i was born barren and i accepted every challenge that comes my way. i was even ready to pack out of my marital home and stay on my own because my husband was not given me any attention that i needed from him. i decided to focus on my job and try to live happy on my own.  
on this faithful day, i decided to check the net for updates on healthy living and i came across a story of a man who Dr abacha helped his wife to conceive a baby. i decided to put a try because this has been my greatest problem in life. today i am a proud mom. words will not be enough to explained what this man did for me. he casted a pregnancy spell on me and i noticed i was pregnant a month later after the spell. i am a happy mother, the pride of my family, a miracle in my town. i know there is someone in same condition and you feel there is no way. i urge you to contact him via email ***@****. This is the solution to every single mother around the globe. distance is not a barrier, he will surely make your dreams come trough. contact him today via email: ***@****, you want your lover back or any other miracle in your life, contact him today so the world can be a better place to live. bye!!!
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Snowchild, unfortunately your husband is becoming an abuser.  They start out charming.  Then they become verbally abusive.  They will isolate you from family and friends, which you said he is now doing.  It becomes worse during pregnancy.  And you have said it began then.  The next step for an abuser is to become violent with you to obtain power and control over you.  He will then feel guilt and shame, but still blame you.  The honeymoon part of the cycle will then occur wherein he will be kind to you.  Then when he feels out of control again, he will attempt to control you by yelling, swearing, breaking your things and eventually physically harming you. Make sure you keep none of this from your family and friends.  He needs to know that everyone will know if he harms you as he should not be trying to control you.  If he physically harms you, call the police.  Go to the hospital.  Make sure they take photographs of any bruises.  He will go to jail and while he is in jail you will be able to request of the judge classes for Domestic Violence for him.  These classes have been shown to be 80% effective.  They are more effective if there are not other influences such as drugs and alcohol involved.  A Protection from Abuse order should be in place while he is taking the classes.  Your life is most at risk if you break up with him.  The classes should be in place to let him know you are not being silent, that he needs to be accountable, and that other men know what he is doing.  After he has taken the classes for awhile, you will decide if you want to risk your life or not to take him back.  If you do take him back, tell him if he is attempting to have power and control over you again.  He will need to stop or if he harms you, he will go right back to jail.  This time for much longer, after which you should not take him back and get another protection order.  At this point, you should seriously consider not taking him back.  He has shown that he cannot reform through classes and chooses to abuse.  You can choose not to take it.  Unfortunately, as you two have a child together, he will always have parental visitation and you will always have to have custody exchanges.  You may wish to pay a family based therapy to have custody sessions supervised there with a judge's order.  I'm not foreseeing your future.  I'm telling you the patter that most abuser's exhibit.  Your best bet is to get him to the group now.  If he won't go and you don't want to leave him, you will have to wait until the physical abuse begins.  And based on his pattern of behaviors, I can almost guarantee you, that is the next step for power and control over you.  
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He seems to be a classic abuser. Symptoms of a domestic abuser contain the following:  demanding, yelling, treating your wife like a slave, unrealistic expectations (demanding that she turn off the alarm clock immediately, isolation from family and friends so no one will hear her scream or see the bruises she will likely soon incur.  Abusers do this for power and control.  They begin usually by being charming.  After married or living with their loved one they usually begin to be verbally abusive with put downs and yelling.  Then if this is not sufficient to obtain power and control physical abuse occurs including threats to her life.  From what she says, he hasn't got to the physical stage yet.  If she can get him help and he will accept help now, it may not get to that.  He needs to get therapy specifically for Domestic Abusers (this can be emotional abuse as well) as anger management is not about power and control, Domestic Abuse is.  
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Wow, I just saw your thread began in 2010.  I wonder if you are still alive.  
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I just found this article and I am going through the same thing with my husband yelling at me all the time for such small things. It is usually every few months that things will get bad to where we don't speak for a days. I don't know what to do. Any support would be greatly appreciated.
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Hello
I read many posts on anger issues but I can definitely relate to yours.How are you and your husband doing? I feel your pain . I have been married 21 years. My husband has anger management issues too.  I never what is going to set him off. He yells (never physical) and says horrible things and then he says I am sorry the next day like nothing happened and when I confront him and try to talk to him , he says he will work on trying to control it but refuses to get help. I am sooo upset that at times my two teenagers witness his horrible temper tantrums.  I dont want to leave him for economic issues either. Everyone in the outside world, thinks he is the greatest guy , even my family.I am so ashamed of his his behavior and embarrassed. His father has a horrible temper but my husband always promised me he would never be like him.    .
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I would say get out the relationship like many people but many dont realize that its not that easy.....You have to woman up!! And make him change one way or another. Dont show weakness around him, hou have the pants of the family not him. Women raise kids, keep at straight home, we care for everyone at home even pets. We are the number one thing man should value as a wife, as a mother, and a provider or love and care. Try and try again to change him, if it gets worst and he shows no interest then its his loss, believe me....as time goes by he will hurt more than you will ever because at least you did something for the good of your family. We WOMEN are so strong emotionally, physically, and psycologically but many times we are blinded because of what culture portray us to be.
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I am in the same situation as you. My husband has the same issues as yours. We can never have a conversation if things do not go his way without a temper tantrum. I have been married 21 years.  He says he will not seek help but everytime it happens . He says I am sorry and will work on it but then it happens over and over again. I am so sad, and wish my two teenagers did not witness his anger.
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I realize your post is almost 5 years old, but I could definitely use your perspective! I have asked my partner to explain his anger to me and he just gets more angry, and tells me to figure it out myself. If you are still around and willing to discuss, I would be appreciative
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My name is Fay Turner, and I enjoy meeting new people and finding ways to help them have an uplifting experience. I am dedicated, passionate and outgoing. Hope everyone's well!   I am a survivor!
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MEN SUCK! I always tell mine "You didnt marry a 1950s wife so deal with it" we have to stand up for ourselves. He blew a fit cuz i wldnt close down an acct i had since i was 19 and put it in his bank. So i finally said "I am NEVER closing my acct so u can yell at me til ur blue in the face" And he never ever mentioned it again. SMH
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He never was like this before? Everyone jumps on the abuse train, it may be that, but may be medical, have him go in for a medical exam, could be anything, my sons was his thyroid. Thyroid cancer. There are several medical reasons that this happens also, so if it is new, out if the ordinary, maybe a trip to the drs is in order. Goos luck.  
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I feel sad for anyone going through this with their husband. I, too, am in a similar situation. We've been together 9 years now & have been married 6 years. We are both 60 years old now. He has 3 children from 2 previous marriages who were grown adults when we married & 2 of them won't speak to him. I have one child who was a grown adult when we married. The first 3 years we weren't married, we were living together, as I called off the marriage & waited to see if things would work out. I did a lot of thinking before marrying him, & I had 2 choices - to leave or stay. I opted to stay & we married. It has been a hellish mental nightmare for me for 9 years now. I know myself & my mind. I am caring & affectionate. That has been my only saving grace. But lately, his verbal abuse has become so bad I seem to be having depression, which I never had before. I can't bring up anything to him in a very nice way which would help us forge a relationship, I can't ask him for help at all, I can't go anywhere with him because he humiliates me in front of nearly everyone publicly, & I receive no apologies & no words or actions of any sort of comfort. My 'so called' friends don't come around anymore & people act very strangely around me which makes me believe he is saying things behind my back. I already have proof that he is calling me very hurtful mental names to my face, blaming everything on me. He outright lies, calls me a *****, tell me I'm a horrible wife, screams at me at the top of his lungs, breaks things, flips me off, & tells me I'm ugly. He was fired from him job as a police officer because he hit me but has another job. He has thrown me out of the truck twice that has caused me to have a total hip replacement this year, he gave me an STD, & I have had to undergo chemo & radiation for 3 years without any help from him at all. I have become a hermit, being lonely all the time, & when he comes home he ignores me. I have slept on the couch now for 2 years & he sleeps in the bedroom because when I sleep with him he gets up and leaves the room. He tells me I am ungrateful because he is the breadwinner & if I ask for a hug or need something he feels he doesn't owe me anything. I wash, cook, clean, pay the bills, & did work until last year through chemo & radiation. I lost my job as an online medical transcriptionist because the company closed. I'm on disability now & he thinks he's entitled to my money I worked hard for. He takes my pain killers to the point I have none left. I am tired of doing everything for him & he does nothing for me except support me. When he was in college, around 18 or 19 years old, he had to pay 6 years restitution to a guy he got in a fight with, broke his neck, & resulted in the guy becoming a quadriplegic. It is amazing that the police force hired someone like him. I have searched for his police records & his slate has been wiped clean. Talk about illegal! Then when the police department hired a new police chief, they came around to my house to ask him to come back to work, left countless business cards on my door, & truck windshield, & have called many times. I have given them his phone number & he states he will never go back to work for them. The 'reputable' police force has just slapped me in my face. If I had another place to go, I would. My mom passed away last year & my lying husband told me when she was on her deathbed & could hardly speak except in a whisper, he stated she said "take care of her - she's bipolar!" I am not bipolar. After our latest bout the other day, I am feeling 'different.' I can't seem to focus, I hurt inside very badly because of his harsh words, screaming, & indifference to me. I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do with myself. I have always been a very strong person, very happy, & very active & now, I have been reduced to this. I am hoping to somehow set up some type of surveillance with cameras & tape recorder in the home to where I can document how he treats me. Then, if he ever decided to throw me out of the house again with no vehicle (he made me sell mine & gave the money to his daughter) & no place to go (I had to stay in a homeless shelter) then I would have proof of what happened. I won't go to his police officer friends court again. I wasn't allowed to speak or do anything. I had to go through 6 weeks of counseling to get help paying for the divorce I requested & found out that the counseling services told him everything. I was hushed by those in control. I will have to somehow hide money to prepare for that day & hire an attorney out of state as he was both a county officer, as well as a state police officer, & I know they are up to no good. I didn't mean to write so much but it helps to get it out of my system. I try to keep busy. I try to take my mind off this misery. I now cannot sleep at night. It doesn't matter to him one way or another what goes on with me. He told me when we first got together he doesn't celebrate holidays. So all holidays have been nothing. He tells everyone Merry Christmas, Happy Thanksgiving, etc. & I don't get any words of greeting for the holidays. He had the nerve to tell me the other day that he doesn't celebrate holidays because I was spending all his money. I said what did I spend? He couldn't answer me. I gave him a book on our first Christmas. I got nothing. I used to give him gifts & now I don't because he gives nothing in return. I've heard anger will escalate & it escalates little by little every year. His anger management class didn't help him one bit because a female police officer taught the course who is very, very rude to me. I try to keep busy with the yard, the house, reading, etc. but it doesn't replace the reason I got married - companionship & love. The best way I know how to not 'rock the boat' is to continue being his servant & not expecting anything from him at all. I have to accept it is a one-way street & know in my mind I am okay. What goes around comes back around - I know that for fact. It may not be in the time frame I was hoping for, but in good time, he will get what he deserves though I may never live to see it.
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