how to stop my husband from yelling at me?

My husband and I have been together for 7+ years and married for 4 years now and we have a 20 month old son. We are both working professionals. Ever since I have been pregnant, my husband has been yelling at me when he gets stressed out by any situation. If my alarm clock went off and I didn't turn it off quickly enough he would scream at me "TURN OFF THE F****ING THING". When our son was little and woke up at night to feed, he would scream at me if I didn't wake up quickly enough. When our son was sick and had a high temperature, he started screaming at me. Recently he got fired from his job, because he screamed at the HR. This morning our car's battery died and he started screaming at me. My reaction varies between complete confusion, to panic, to sometimes screaming back at him. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. After each screaming episode he would not talk to me for a few days and then act as if nothing happened and be overly nice to me. If I dare to bring it up with him, he gets mad at me again. For the past 7 months he has slowly stopped socializing with all our friends, he does not like us going to our friend's place or going anywhere. I'm from another country and don't have any family here. When after one of his screaming episodes I threatened to leave him he said he would take my son away from me. I feel really isolated and depressed. I want to make our marriage work, but I feel like I'm losing my sanity on this roller coaster ride.
How can I stope all the yelling and cursing? I know this is having a very negative effect on my child.

[calidreamer77]

Try your best to sit him down and talk calmly to him about it and tell him his behavior is becoming to be too much and tell him you don't want to leave him but that you want things to be better. It sounds like he has a mood disorder and might need to be on a mood stabilizer

[margypops]

He needs anger management, this is indeed bad for your child it is abusive he has to stop, you should be tough with him tell him you do not like being yelled at and you will leave if he doesnt stop it, he needs help if your marriage is to survive, protect your child he will grow up in fear of his father .He cannot take your child away from you In America that doesnt happen, the Mom usually gets custody, unless she can be proved unfit.It may be a good idea to get some facts about your rights as a mom .Good luck let us know how you are doing welcome to Med Help .

[caregiver222]

Well, as Margypops stated he can't "take your son away from you".

I suggest you make a notebook, or keep a computer diary (secret) documenting these expressions of anger. I am very hesitant to recommend this, but you may end up in court in the event of a separation and these will be helpful to you.

You have to ask yourself if you will be better off without him.

There is no reason for anyone to live with a knot in their gut because of an abusive partner.

[bstpitch]

Hey there. I completely understand your situation as I was om the other end of your problem. I am the guy who did the screaming exactly to a T as you describe. What a horrible feeling I have knowing I did these things to 2 of my ex girlfriends. I lost the love of my life because of anger problems. WE were so close to getting married, until she realized how angry i was all the time... If you want the full story message me, its a long one starting with me getting laid off same as your husband.. i think my story will be exactly the same as yours. And coming from the guys perspective i think i can help you. When were yelling at you, almost always were immediately sorry and want so bad for you not to walk away to diffuse it, but for you to come hold us and say I love you.. this is a rediculous thinng to ask of you and by no means should you do it, but that along with some other things are going through our head in the moment and just after. our pride is waaaaaaaay  to big to turn around and say sorry i yelled.. but there are definitely some things i can tell you, that would help alot.. you cant imagine how long and hard i cried when she left.. and i have not talked to her since that night... oooo such a tragedy. I went to anger management after that and cand say I no longer have the anger problems. I have not been tested in a relationship though as i have not dated since then.. so im curious as to how i will act when i date again... please dont leave him unless it gets violent. He can change, but it took me 6 years and losing 2 wonderful women before i changed... message me please, i think i can help...

im prayin for ya!
Robert

[kathy434]

One thing, you absolutely don't want to reward him when he throws his tantrums.  When he starts to fly off the handle and yell at you or the baby, pick up the baby and walk out of the house for awhile.  Also it is important for you to mix with friends, with or without him.  Don't let him entertain the idea that he can control you through screaming.  Go out in public and observe if he carries on in front of the world like this.  If so, I suspect he may have some mental issues going on and he should see a psychologist for an evaluation.
You are not responsible for his anger.  His anger builds up inside his head.  He must learn to manage his thoughts and emotions on his own.  You can't do it for him.

[motherofsons]

Look at Mel Gibson.  Now you know that girl doesn't want to leave Mel Gibson!  As we listen to those tapes we all are saying, "take the baby and run!'  Run for your life.
Love must be tough!  

The above writer "Robert"  what I heard him say is.  I didn't stop until she left.  Look him in the eyes say I'm not going to tolerate this.  When he does it again (he will) Go! Go!  Invest in yourself!  Find out where you can go and go because if you don't you will teach your children the exact same aggressive or victim behaviors.  Make plans.  this is work.

You can also make him go!!!   Since he is the one with the behavior issue.  Make him go.  Call a anger management place and see about having him leave because of his aggressive behavior.  Call the police and ask your options.  Call a local church and talk.  Call an abusive hot line.  Talk Talk Talk until it clicks.  Do not ignore this or it will continue.

[Pomidora]

It's sounds like my kind of situation :(
I'm also from another country so there is no place for me to go to get away from it all. My husband and I have been married for little over 8 years now and we also have an 21 months old baby. He actually always had a bad temper, but I think it gotten worse after we had a baby.
After seeing the add on tv I started thinking may be it's a "low T" thing or something.
The suggestion about sitting down with your hubby and calmly talking about the whole situation is impossible - it is only making things more complicated and makes him more angry toward me. :(
I swear if I would not be an immigrant from Ukraine with no place to go and no family here I would be long gone I'm so tired and so hurt by the whole thing!!! Even though I love my husband very much and we have a great family.... It's just hi is terrible in his anger - Ivan the Terrible.
There is nothing I can do. I've tried talking to him or ignoring his  episodes of madness.

[leaann08]

I know exactly what you mean, I have only been with my husband for almost 4 years, been married for almost 3 years an we just had a baby 2 months ago. He has always had a bit of a temper but lately it gotten MUCH worse, I have asked him over an over to stop yelling at me and nothing ever changes. I have done everything except literally beg him but I am so close to doing that, anything to get him to stop. I do not want this kind of stuff going on infront of our son, I keep telling him that we are to set a example for our son even if he is only 2 months old. That just makes him yell louder, an trying to have a civil conversation with him I don't think is even possible unless its something that he wants to talk about or something to benefit him. If its something we need to work out or go over he immediately rolls his eyes in annoyance an gets pissy where its useless to even continue talking to him, then he will get mad that I no longer want to talk to him about whatever we were talking about or going to talk about an yell about that. He says he wakes up in a bad mood, but he is ALWAYS in a bad mood, I am waiting to see him in a good mood. He is on medicine (adderall (adderrall)) that helps with ADHD but by time he gets off work the medicine has worn off an I'm left to deal with him unmedicated an usually pissed off about something. I have gotten where I do not even want to talk to him because I know that it will in a matter of seconds turn into some sort of argument. I have tried numerous times to just let him cool off an let him walk away, once he got so mad at me for letting him cool off he followed me through the house just so he could yell at me, he was mad that I did NOT argue back with him. I have asked him if he just likes the sound of his own voice, is that why he yells about everything.... naturally that didn't go over well. After we got married his inner a$$hole unleashed. We  have tried couples counseling he went a few times an didn't feel like he needed to go anymore, so pretty much he found an excuse not to go an hasn't been back. I have suggested anger managment an that didn't go over well. I am running out of things to talk to him about, since everything turns into a blow up fight. I am always very calm but everyone has their limits an I am starting to feel like a whipping post ( not literally ). Our latest fight was because I want him to be home more so he can spend time with our son, an I somehow am selfish because I want him to bond with the baby an make some time for us.... anyway, sorry this is so long. you are not alone. :( maybe one day these idiots will grow the hell up! Just remember just because they are talking louder than you, does not mean they are right.

[Pomidora]

So sorry that you're going through this as well. I wonder how many women are out there with this kind of problem?
I need to talk to my husband about me (and our daughter) going overseas to visit my folks (they have not seen her yet) ,but I am afraid that it is going to be WWII. Hi is not happy about us leaving at all and does not want to even talk about it. Hi is welcome to go with us but this idea doesn't sound good for him either. So I don't know what to do and how to start the conversation and make sure it will stay pleasant and civilized. :(

[brice1967]

Howdy,
If I can step in for a second, perhaps I can shed some light on the subject.  By no means am I the authority on the subject, but I am a guy who has had trouble with anger issues all of my life.  At the tender age of 43, I have decided to seek professional help.  I am very fortunate that nothing I have done has caused my wife to cut and run, but I have to tell you....I would have left.

I have had anger issues (amongst other issues) for decades.  I think you need to try to catch your guy at a moment that isnt escalated and have a heart to heart.  Tell himn how you feel, and dont cut corners.  Come straight from the gut, and let him know that youre doing this because you care and because you love him.  

Ask him to get some help.  Ask him to sign on to some of these boards.  There is a wealth of information here....  You can be totally anonymous here, bleed your heart out, and some of the good folks can offer some suggestions.  

This came secondarily to my therapy sessions, and I have to tell you....big damn difference now.  Dont get me wrong, there is still room for improvement. The fact is, the difference is light and day.  Give him the opportunity to talk to someone else about it, and this is the perfect forum.  If he doesnt want help....tread cautiously, and have a plan to get away.  Your and the baby's safety comes before anything else.

[Doormatt101]

Hi Ladies,
I have been with my husband for 16 years mariried for 15. He started yelling at me somewhere along the way early on after we were married. He was even physically absuive to me at one time and had to take anger management. This was 7 years ago. He never admitted that he had done anything wrong. He will actually tell me I will kick his A-- if i hear of him hurting her. Men that hurt women need their A-- kicked. He tells me this if we hear of someone we know in a bad situation etc., Now you would think that anyone who has hurt their own wife wouldn't say something like this if they can't even admit to what they themself did. Let me say the anger managment helped a lot for about a year after he took it. I was in love with him all over again as if our relationship was new. The anger management was court mandated based on the physical abuse. He would never take it on his own. As time has went on and the anger management therapy wore off his yelling has gotten so much worse over time. He was laid off back in 07, and I work from home. He is able to help me somewhat with the work I do. Maybe 15 hours a week or so, sometimes 0 hours if I don't have things he can do. He refuses to learn the computer and most of my work is on the computer. Anyway, his yelling has gotten so very bad that when I have time off he makes it misserable for me. I work a lot of hours since I work from home. I put in about 90 hours a week on a pretty regular basis so that we can continue paying our bills since he is basically out of work. You would think he would appreciate that I am willing to work so hard. But no, just yesterday I was able to take off work at a normal hour (what is normal for most people). I go into the kitchen and he is rearranging the fridge. So I ask if i can help, he tells me to put the taco shells in a baggie. So I put them in a baggie, the next thing I know he is yelling at me to go back to my room (refering to my office). Apparently I was in his way. I just came back to my room and sat there and cried. Oh and I forgot to add just after he told me to go back to my room, I had said you shouldn't treat me this way. So he told me to call someone who F--- cares. I had told him maybe I would. So he told me maybe I can find a guy willing to take care of me. Anyway of course his words were very hurtful to me and i just sat in my office and cried. He did eventually tell me he was sorry yesterday evening. But it was not long before he was yelling about something different the same evening. So let me just say ladies, it does get worse! Why I stay I don't know. I do love my husband very much and can't really see myself without him. I know he grew up with a lot of family issues. So maybe i feel as though it can't be helped on his part. I am the main bread winner so there is no reason that I can't make it on my own. Ladies, just sit back and thiink whether or not you are willing to deal with the way he treats you for the rest of your life. Because I don't think it will change. Someone once told me this and I didn't listen. I wish I would have listened then. I have so much into our relationship now. We own a home, cars, boats, etc. A divorce would be a big huge fight. Not to mention there are other reasons that a divorce may not work in my situation. Anyway, even if your partner does take anger managment it does and will wear off. My husband is so selfish, I heard one of you speak as if your husband was selfish. Well I think they all must be. I used to think I was crazy. But I am so NOT. If it is for my husband about my husband or will benefit my husband eveyrthing is great. If it is for his favorite sister about his favorite sister or will benefit his favorite sister everything is fine. if it is for me about me or will benefit me, what a total disaster. I actually paid for his sister to fly to see us. What a user, it must run in the family. Well let me take that back it does run in the family. I have been around them all long enough to know. I paid to get his sister here and she actually stayed with another family member one of the older siblings because she didn't want anyone to fight over her. She visited with us at our home only the night we picked her up which we didn't get home until 2 a.m. and came home with us the night before she had to be to the airport at 8;00 a..m. Anyway just trying to give you an example of what the family is like. That doesn't even touch it though, there is so much more. I just want to be very careful to not be known if one of them reads this. I have to add that  2 of the male parnters (1 family spouse, 1 boyfriend) that were wtih the family took their own lives. I swear I think they could not take the abuse any longer. Now get this when it happened to the second relative the other one that it happened to first said she tought it was the best thing that could have ever happened. How freaking sick is that???? Best thing that ever happened that someone killed themselves. Good grief get some help. Thank you to all who have read this, and ladies if you can't live with this the rest of your life get out while it's early and quit wasting your time on these men.  You will save yourself much heartache and your children. it will affect them, if not now down the road.

[jd312701]

yelling at one's kids, friends, and wife is not something which is so rare I think it is a very common swing of a person's mood. In your case  the dreadful thing is, as you mentioned, your husband is SELFISH. Selfishness implies to  a state that he has no regards or love for you ( I am sorry to say). and the thing making your case the worst is that this trait runs through out the family. it looks like, they had some issues of psychological nature  in the family. Take him to a psychiatrist...I guess this won't be possible for you. Check his BP just after he awakes. and start giving him one to two clove of garlic in the breakfast with his first bite in the breakfast... let us see how you manipulate with it .

[jd312701]

Hi ! how are you doing, Please keep posted. Every issue in the problem has a solution; but needs to be worked over.  

[allmymarbles]

Since his anger only began when you got pregnant, is it possible that the added responsibility is causing him anxiety? Every time I got pregnant my husband would start worrying and I understood why. He never got angry; he just fretted. As it happens I was a working wife all my life, but men feel that financial responsibility rests on them.

If what I say sounds reasonable to you, you might want to discuss the problem in this light.

[samchic04]

I had this same situation, and am still working on my hubby's issues. We went thru hell and back, and it did get physical. He called me a name, I'd slap him, etc. It finally got so bad that after I had (unrelated) wrist surgery, I broke my cast on his back, picked up the baby n ran to my friends house. Her bf went out to keep him away from us and hubby ended up slammed against a truck. I finally learned to open my mouth and fight back. He wanted a doormat and I was not about to give him one! Excuse the language, but u have to find ur inner *****! If u want it to work, that is. The next time he says he's gonna leave, say "I'll help u pack." and do it! If he says je'll take ur kid, go to womenslaw.org and find out ur rights. Let me tell u now, these are the signs of The Cycle of Abuse-they break u down n then its the "honeymoon" stage where everything is wonderful, then it keeps cycling over and over. Been there, done that. For years I thot that was how it was supposed to be, and I woke up one day and realized I had all I could take. Someone once told me that when you think uve had all u can take, ull take some more until it breaks. And after the break comes relief-its over, its done, u stood ur ground and cant be hurt by his yelling any longer! I hope it works out for you! If you need help/advice, just message me! I did all the net research and still have it (just in case he reverts back into Angry Hubby).

[tnmc36045]

mam a woman's first duty's to serv her husban in thoght word n deed. mak no mistak about that. you must forgiv him for his temper becos he is soldier by gender, if you forgiv him then you're priest. luv your physique, both of you. do all the drills you were taught in school daily.study all the subjects you went through in school whenever you get some time. breathe well, like an adult; small gulps of air like children take is not enuff for health. may he, who's friend of everybody bless you both

[Chrisone]

Do you know that Adderall (adderrall) itself causes iritability? I have ADHD and I take it too..and often catch myself being VERY bitchy....My doctor gave my Lorezpam to help balance out the side effects of the Adderall (adderrall), because all Amphetimines (sp?) cause this side effect; and it was an issue.

I would suggest this and see if a nerve pill would help? Good luck sweetie.

[robinlove]

Good ideas and I am glad it works for you.
My son was on adderall (adderrall) for about 5 or so years.
He is just as angry  with or w/o it.  I think it depends on a persons
chemestry  along with the proper diagnosis.  
My husband (has anger issues as our son does). He now has a nice apartment (:     He used to head a anger mgt. group. Unreal huh?  
I know many on similar meds who adderall (adderrall) has a calming effect.  I know both my husband and son have mood disorders. (diagnosed).  Both have been on meds like seraqual sp? They are supposed to be mood stabelizers.   It made my son rage more.  They did nothing  for my husband.  I am considering having my son move out.  ):   He has become very controlling, and meaner.  Sorry I got so far off you post and rambled.   I am so glad to find this forum!!!!!   I am no longer alone. We have been married 26 years. What a fool I was, wasting so many years.  My husband is working on himself.   Again sorry for the length.
(: and thanks for listening anyone.  I could write a book as many of us could................

[islandgrl47]

Been a while but I hope things have improved for you. My husband was also a yeller and when I would need a hand putting the kids to sleep at night and they just wouldn't listen to me he wouldn't get out of bed but yell at the kids"go to bed". Well 13 years later and trying everything i could he mellowed a little but the sad thing is now I'm the yeller and won't back down to him and he doesn't like it. Not proud of myself but at least he knows I don't put up with it. Hopefully you're smarter than me and find a better way to deal with him but a few things I learned. Most men are boys and scream when they can't get their way or get attention. And the video feature on your phone works great and a good way to keep a record in case he ever threatens to take your kids away.

[Family2011]

I did not read all of the posts here, but both of you are from different countries and are in abusive situations. Here is a national number that you may call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Neither of you should have to deal with their behavior. Good luck to you all.

[Annaski]

I just want to tell you guys something about GUYS.
Forget about us women, we are the peacemakers. Just how tough are these men when it comes to not having us there for them. Do you really want to know? Well I'm not telling you cause you can't be half dumb if you can't see it coming at you in the face at a hundred kilometers an hour. And I'm talking about his manipulative way, arguing. For crying out aloud just what is it with these men? You know what mums, your baby sons develop their personalities when they are young and anything with wheels on it is a big thing for them. So being a man is different, notice how they spend more time outside showing off about how good they are at everything us women can but let the man instead do. That's because they want ATTENTION! And we like the ADMIRATION. The worst thing I done to my husband is not spoil him. He wants to be tended to. WTF! What about us Mr Attention seeker, who's going to pamper us? Oh yeah, I forgot we are the MRS not the MR so every successful man has a woman behind in the process in most cases. So the conclusion we have arrived at is assessing in detail a mans needs & wants before you marry, but wait there's more! What's the bet he changes after he marries? Now I don't see a conclusion but I see a never ending bout of arguments escalating because men get bored easily, lose their temper, don't like what you like to do or just to get attention because they have nothing better to do. Well we all should have a right of way being a woman so men cannot discourage us in any way and don't let your guard down ladies and when he starts to scream get a Halloween mask put it on and get a fake machete & watch him die in the ***, he will just freeze, dumbfounded and all. When he asks whats this say you explain your stupid behaviour and then we'll talk about mine otherwise shut the f.... Up!

[PrestineGlass]

I have been together with my man for over 3 years, almost 4 have a 2 yr old and not even married yet. He did warn me when we got together about his anger issues but when I got pregnant it just got worse. To add on, I am a jealous person and it has escalated as well since before I got pregnant. Seeing him in those "Craigslist ads" and texting his "homegirls" and emails as well about what you would want to hear for yourself as a woman just not to someone else by your man. I have been trying to fix my jealousy but my husband isn't helping (might as well call him husband) at all. I have tried to avoid the arguments and not say anything to let him get his anger out. He was physically abusive before but that stopped until he saw my son running towards him to pull him away from me and want only me. I clean and cook as much as I can but no matter what I do I get blamed for it. Nothing I do is right in his eyes. I can't take it anymore. Even on the phonehe

[PrestineGlass]

(Continued) he still does. And like someone said about the attention my man does the same. I will admit I looked at his phone before. I love him but he is not helping at all for my jealousy. I haven't gone thru anything of his for a while and still accuses me. Every time he accuses me I get tempted to. I want him to improve and get better but I do not know what else to do. I love him very much... just not his anger. Calls me lazy or any names. Tells me "you are the type of woman to get cheated on" or something like that threatens to leave and take my son when I argue with him. Or even get threatened to be cheated on. I want him to spend more time with my son... us. He works 6 nights 12 hrs a week and I think stress but I think it is much morethan that. I feel like he is hiding something from me.

[PrestineGlass]

Oh and has cheated before from what he told me about when he was with his exs. What am I suppose to think? My friends have tried to hit on him or has. And stupid mistake ever is to give his number to that one girl who is my frenemy talking behind my back. I need help and he needs help.

[oldschoolbarbie]

ok so lets get real. Why do you  have friends that hit on your man, what were u thinking when you got together with this loser of a man?????? Sounds to me like he has already cheated on u emotionally and physically.

[KKM25]

I have a husband who berates and screams at me frequently.  He usually does this in front of our children.  I feel humiliated but also angry.  I have learned that responding in an angry way fuels the fire, but it's a struggle not to say anything because I don't want my kids to think I'm a doormat.  The truth is, I cannot stand him.  He's gotten obese, and I can't even sleep in the same room with him.  I find him repulsive in every way, and he does not seem to care that I have withdrawn.

I wish there were an easy solution, but I cannot bear the thought of not being with my children every day.  It would be terrible for them to be alone with him for half the time.

I feel hopeless and defeated.

[mamasmurf1st]

I am also in this same predicament looking for answers (hence finding this thread)Iam also not in my own country and have no where to go. This thread has been going on for nearly two years. Why are us women taking this ****?

[mamasmurf1st]

I am always crying to myself 'help' over and over. I love him and want us to be happy but I can't take the anger, yelling and bullying anymore, It feels like its going to kill me. I've tried every tactic possible. End of my tether...

[nurse1976]

my husband degraded, belittled and screamed at me while my children were young. Now they are grown on their own and it has become worse.  He, they, belittle us to make themselves feel better, stronger.  They are the sick ones but it is up to us to leave, they never will. Deep down inside they know few women would put up with it.  I have begged him to get help but the few times he has, he puts on his I'm okay act and brags about how they said nothing was wrong  with him.  Manipulation, incredibly low self esteem mixed with an incredibly strong ego.  Dangerous and mean people that is what I think.. I am older and afraid of being on my own but slowly I am learning I can do it and peace would be my reward.  I also want to teach my daughters nobody deserves to be treated without respect.  Remember you have to love yourself it doesn't matter if he doesn't....it is ultimately his loss.  He will always be a miserable person, that is his nature.  If you go, he will find someone else and do it to her. I don't believe they can change.  Which is truly sad..to waste a life with anger, missing all the good stuff.  

[specialmom]

Oh, this is hard.  I will say that if a man has trouble controlling his anger, the only recourse for their spouse/partner is to leave.  You can suggest counseling, therapy, anger management, but the bottom line is that THEY have to want to control this problem.  

It is unhealthy for kids to be exposed to this volatility.  

Everyone will 'lose it' from time to time, I guess.  But when that is their pattern of dealing with emotion----  it is so damaging to all.  Some people go through their whole life never learning self control.  

I'm suggesting that one of the ways they will be forced to address the problem is for their spouse to say they've had enough.  If they want to save the relationship, they may be willing to get help.

Ugh.  It's hard and I wish everyone luck.

[mommyofthree547]

hi,
I just read your story (I know it's been a long time since you posted this) maybe you still get to read this.
I am in almost the same situation you were right now. My husband is yelling at me daily and telling me that I am the reason he is getting mad all the time. He get's mad about everything I do, if I won't do it "his way". He always ads his opions, even if nobody wants to hear it...about, how I put the curtains up, he would do it totally different..and and and  I am also from a different country and he knows I have nowhere to go. That's the power he has over me. He also said he would take my  kids away and I don't work, so I can't pay for a good lawyer.  I would really like to  know how your situation is now. Did it get better? If it did then I am really happy for you.

[NeverAgain5656]

You will never stop the insane yelling.  This is verbal abuse pure & simple.  Sometimes it turns into physical abuse.  I have been living with this for 28 years.  Why?  Purely economic reasons.  But one day real soon, there will be a change.  The husband abuse has been damaging but I will survive to see a better day.  When you are enduring verbal abuse, you will never be able to trust the abuser.  Without trust, the love, etc does not matter,it does not count.  Everything changes, nothing is the same.  You simply need to decide if you can tolerate it in hopes of a better time.  You cannot trust or respect the abuser.  

[JR1950]

I'am 61 years old and have been married to my husband for almost 34 years....he yells all the time.  The last time was last night....I am a nervous wreak, depressed, and at wits end.   He is up and down like a yo-yo.  Any words of wisdom?

[dzi]

I WILL BE GLAD IF YOU CAN HELP ME OUT OF THIS SITUATION.  HE YELLS AT ME IN PUBLIC AND THAT'S WHEN I FEEL LIKE WALKING AWAY FROM HIM FOREVER.

[mommyofthree547]

When does verbal abuse start????

Last time my husband felt like letting all his anger out of me again I told him to leave me alone and that it is close to verbal abuse what he is doing...he didn't really take that serious and said ''I'm not cussing (i hope u spell it that way..sorry im not american :) you out daily..have I ever done that?no only called u a b### twice, so''

Is it verbal abuse when he says really bad things to me..I don't deserve him and all kinds of things that are making me fell worthless...

When  does verbal abuse start????

[Adnahsar]

I have had the same problem with my husband. However, I decided we needed counseling and made it seem like I didn't care if he went or not (he said I should go because I needed to learn how to be a wife and that he was perfect the way he was). I went to the first session on my own. When I got home he ignored me and I said, " by the way, the counselor said he would like it if you came in to give your side of the story about me." He asked if he would be able to be alone with the counselor and to speak confidentially and I said yes. He went the next time alone and then we went together for 6 months under the guise of fixing me. It helped him a great deal. Some places have interns that counsel for free too.

[CristinAmam]

Hi as i was reading your situation my tears is falling because i have someone to reflect on my problem i do have the same situation as yours. I migrated in netherland and my husband is the same race w

[CristinAmam]

Hi as i was reading your situation my tears is falling because i have someone to reflect on my problem i do have the same situation as yours. I migrated in netherland and my husband is the same race wIth me. I dont have any family to lend on or share my problem with regards to my husband. He is always yelling at me and blaming me for anything wrong. Ive been losing my confidence to myself and my insanity that i want to do suicide just to end up everything sometimes i am alsothinking of living him. Pls tel me what did you do to overcome your problem it would be a big help for me thanks alot.. Sory for my bad english

[cochranmom]

My husband and I have been together 4 years married 3 years. He use to be sweet and understanding. almost never got angery. but now its different. we have a (almost) 2 year old together and we've had to separate and live with family members since he lost his job. he wont come over to see us, he is always yelling at me, and he acts like he loves his mother more than his wife and child. Everytime we fight, if he doesnt get his way, he walks out, or doesn't talk to me for days. And when he does talk to me again its more yelling. He's even threatened to hit me and our child. thank god he didn't. his mood swings are like hot and cold. I never know which one I'm gonna get.  I've tried so many things to make it better and so far nothing has worked for me. it is hard. and sometimes it makes you want to cry. but hopefully something will work for you.

[Terinick]

I have no experience. My father was loud and yelling with my mother before I was born, my brother's mom, and his current wife. The yelling and anger eventually turned into physical abuse. I wasnt raised around him fortunately, but I winessed it as a young girl when he did it to my brother's mom. My father was raised around my grandfather, who like him started out angry and yelling, then became physically abusive to my grandmother, uncles, and my dad as kids. Do you want this for your son? Your husband can become physical with you. and if u let that happen, he will yell and even be abusive to your child. If this happens, your child might just end up like him. Dont let this continue. The yelling and anger needs to be stopped in its tracks. If he does it, show him you are NOT afraid to leave him. He does wat he does now thinking you will never leave...dont let him believe that. Tell him he needs to stop yelling at you now! He needs to clean up his act or he will lose his family. If he continues even for a second, pack some bags, grab ur son and go. Teach him a lesson, and he wont forget he could lose you.

[littleshogun]

Hi Everyone,

WOW....here I was thinking I was the only one.

I wish I had the answer. Im a pscyhologist too, but all my methods through education has not helped my husband from yelling, being snarky, condescending, mean, rude, ill mannered and...the list goes on as what you all have experienced. He has not improved, not one inch.

I cannot talk to him about finances, day to day life without him turning it into a screaming match. I even cut him in the middle when he yells and calmly say, "Delivery & tone pls". He calms down then rages again. Sometimes, he goes in full on rages, to which you all have experienced. Its nasty. Its BS actually. He grills me that I can talk to him about anything..yeah right. I approach him calmly and meakily and he rages on. Then when I talk to a friend, he puts me down for talking to a friend or one of my parents cause he says hes the one I am to go to. I gently explained why and how I cannot, he twists things around and says HE cant talk to me. its a manipulationa nd projecting tactic he is addicted to. he also never apologizes, says he doesnt need to and that Im not dumb to NEED an apology and should gather he just feels sorry he yelled. Now WTF is that? LOL! See his salesman tactic ways? Yet controlling, abusive, condescending and manipulative. I deal with this in every convo he and I have.He also has "superman" complex....his pride and ego are more so than the average man. For this, he knows he f*cks up, yet cannot come to terms with it, his words or actions and trains his mind into thinking he did no wrong and fluffs it off. He wonders why I lost emotional and mental connection with him, to which I gently explained. At times he seemed he understood but wait a week and he goes crazy again.

About him, like the other lady above, my husband comes from a very abusive, manipulating, "taker" family. They love the "im the victim and have it harder than you" game. This tactic is where they get their ways, take take take. They cannot even do a kind act such as bring over wine for dinner cause they say they dont HAVE TO. True they dont, but when its done back to them...OMG do they go in a tangent and start to banter about that person, treat them like pee ons, curse them and verbally abuse them for yrs. His entire family has superman syndrome. My husband is a salesman....he is the best of them let me tell you. He charms, he is that typical used car salesman, and actually was. He lies and then excuses his lies as its ok to WHITE LIE and then blame me, yell at me and get abusive verbally, mentally and emotionally as to why i have the gull not to trust him. ECH! Makes me sick! He also claims that I, like all women, are scandalous, ******, cheaters etc...and I reminded him that all his exes cheated on him cause of the way he is and he drives them to it. But yet, his pride makes him lie to himself by telling me and himself that all his exes are dying to get him back and how great of a guy he is. See what Im dealign with here? LOL!

To Robert, yes there are men like you that learned, that sough anger mgmt and it helped. But ladies, I do have to say this to you...if he comes from a terrible childhood, examine his relationship with his parents...does he have a favorite one? If so then thats a warning sign. If he only has one parent, then there is a lingering issue within that if he has not ever swallowed pride to seek therapy for post tramatic stress from his childhood, his anger will continue and he wont change. If he has had a past of drugs, this again is a sign that he had some issues he wanted to temporarily fluff off by doing drugs but he refuses to see that when he is off his high, that it does do a chemical body change, even from pot, that makes a body and the brain chemicals unstable. Sure it may relax those whom do pot at that time...but later, the effects are often unstable and seems like you are watching a bipolar person. Pot smokers even refuse to see this and always say it doesnt affect them, it does. Pot is not like the 60's anymore and natural, its laced with chemicals now, synethetic and it does a huge damage on chemicals in the brain. L-Tyrosine helps cause the chemicals in the brain are destroyed going in up and down phases which affect the moods of an individual. My husbands entire family is a bunch of druggies...they refuse to say they are addicted but they are. They say "THEY LOVE IT!". Now what does that say? Who the heck loves drugs? He even said "I blame you for making me quit drugs, I love it, that and music the most in my life". WOW! He doesnt hear himself and then yells at me for questioning him on whatever he says. Heck, nowadays I cant even ask how his day was without him getting cocky, biligerent, nasty and blaming me for asking too many questions.

[littleshogun]

Its an abused boy syndrome ladies. Not all men are like this. Yes they cannot have that ability to rationale their emotions like us women cause women anlayze for weeks on end before reacting. Men, just react. Its their testosterone, their pride, their ego and nothing is worse to a man then feeling like failures, so they get defensive, they freak out. But a nromal man, an average one will apologize and within minutes of cooling off. An abused child who is now a man will not. They will fight to the end, linger that anger for days, even weeks and bring it up again in the next arguement..this shows you that that type of man has way too much anger within him that he almost has clouded himself from relaity and beyond the point of normalcy.

To Christiamam....yes I know how you feel about killing yourself being with a man who has ripped you apart, is never making any sense, verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive...i been there and struggled with it this past month. And to the other writer who indicated that her husbands sibling committed suicide, yes....it is bad but that is the make of the family and anyone born with parents like that and has kids, well they are kinda f*cked at conception. Brutal to say but i call it the circle of sh*t. I have overdosed on ativan cause the result of my husbands banters and tyrades. My mother in the hospital even screamed at him and said "This is all cause of you and its your fault!" He refused to own any responsibility in it cause...well he can never do wrong and his eyes see himself as GREAT and PERFECT. But he missed the one thing, that here I was this powerful, admired, beautiful, strong secure woman and he made her weak, meek, insecure, unhealthy, lost 20 lbs that I am now 98lbs due to stress, and all he wants is sex. Hes real sweet when HE wants something...but not kind in regards to making an effort to give. It made me feel useless, worthless ..everything that I tried to kill myself. But I refused to think and feel that death thought anymore. It was cause my friends, they all came clean and told me that they witnessed his antics and thought he was a piece of sh8t from day one, they resent him and vow to taunt him in my city of 1 million where everyone knows everyone so he can get a taste of his own medicine, and they are saviors to me. I thought it was just me seeing this, i was wrong. Everyone saw this. They may never have spoken it verbaly to me before, some yes have, but most no..but im saying, outsiders CAN see what your husbands are doing. Its even in your own body language ladies.

I agree with the ladies who said pretty much dont care to his reactions, threats etc. It does work, if he threatens to leave you, simply say "Ok, thats your choice and I respect it!" But hold your innger smile in when you do this. This is your way out ladies. WAIT for that moment he does this. Weeks or months later, some desperate losers even call hrs later to which IGNORE. Wait till you are happy, strong, feel victorious cause you got out and the best..it was HIS CHOICE. You just need to repeat this to him and remind him of his choice and stick to it. Works every time. He will call yes, text whatever, even pound on your door....but be cold to him, yet friendly and confident and keep rejecting to go back to him. This puts you in control, of yourself and the relationship. You can say, "I wont even CONSIDER being with you until you seek rigarous therapy AND seek a doctor to see if you have bipolarity (which is the technical term for manic depressant) etc..if he rejects, then say see you later, end the convo.

[littleshogun]

See, Ive had it with him. I gave him my all, he completely wasted 3 yrs of my precious life. No more. I have no job right now as I just relocated back to my hometown and in the process of getting work since its only a month I been back. If I can leave my husband, you all can too. Youre life is far more important and your happiness is. Plus you deseve a man that cherishes you, that you can CONVERSE with without it being an argument and all out drama show. Each time my husband talks, I always interrupt and say "WAIT, I gotta get popcorn, the drama is about to being!". He hates it, but I dont care anymore. LOL! And yes, last month he abused me, broke my foot, hand and finger, slapped my face repeatedly about 20 times...I went to the cops, he even chased me down the street to prevent me from going....is that an act of a not guilty man? LOL Only to take the cops 2 hrs to find him. Yeah! LOL!  He now has to deal with court in another province. He pleaded not guilty, cause he is that dumb. Says I slapped him first. Well I didnt, but if i did, does that justify him doing all that he did to me? NO! I moved out that weekend, came back to my home city to be safe. Left my job everything. Only for him to hitch hike and bang on my door a week later. Now, the stupid thing, I took him back...thinking that incident was a wake up call, especially punishment for me once the bread winner now he has to pay everythign and cant..which makes him feel like a lesser man cause he cant pay even for groceries. He went back into his yelling fits. I started my plan that i originally left that province with. I realized he wasnt ever going to grow up or mature

And Im a tough strong cookie, when he hit me...you think I crawled and took it? NO! I punched him soo hard in the head that it almost blacked him out, thats how I got away. Thank goodness for my 5 older brothers teaching me LOL! Whenever he did hit me, I was sure to hit him back. If he wanted to play silent treatment games, I am the queen of that and ignored his calls, in fact BLOCKED them so anytime he called or text, it would immediately disconnect. I wouldnt answer the door for weeks, sometimes months LOL!He needed  cooling off time, and I was NOT going to be the damsel to believe a charmer. No way! Any man who CHARMS, is a liar. Sorry ladies, if the words seem perfect..they usually are. Im not religious but I do know growing up, there was a clipping in the bible where it states charm is the devils work.

Ladies there comes a time when enough is enough and when you are at that stage where you just dont care and react...thats when you realize you are in control and he is not. I let him act like a 12 yr old boy throwing tantrums, but his words of venom no longer hurt me and abuse me, I wont allow that. I did before, thats how I was so insecure...I ALLOWED his words to affect me....but reality is, I knew I was none of those things and that HE was, HE was merely projecting what he thought of himself onto you. Remember that ladies. LISTEN to what he says when he screams at you, the insults....this gives YOU the upper hand...he is REVEALING himself and what HE himself is and how HE sees himself. Ever encounter his words and you are brain boggled cause its not something that made sense? Or he brings up something to switch a topic? Its a light into his world...this is knowledge for you.

When you accept how your husband is treating and talking to you like, the more you give him permission to do it. So now, ask yourself...you continuing to accept and forgive him for his BS, are you in essence allowing him to continue? YES! Be polite, calm and merely say "Im not tolerating this behavior therefore you can yell at me all you want, I dont have to accept it, nor truly absorb it and you will be the one wasting energy so i suggest when you yell, yell at the mirror, it will serve you well and you will see what you look like right now! A real man doesnt act like this, a boy does but I married a man, when he is ready to surface, then he can come to me!". Walk away, eat food and read a book. Whatever. But smile. Always be coy and smug but with in your eyes like as if your plotting in your mind leaving him....... ALWAYS, no matter WHAT he is yelling, just being coy and smug will make a man shut up, looking in your eyes of NO FEAR. He lost control over you when he sees no fear in your eyes, then he becomes weak. Thats why he yells, FOR CONTROL, for power..for his ego and pride. Hes gotta lose it somehow, why not start now? Pride and ego cause cancer and the ruin of all man, creates more drama and BS and negativity than anything on this planet. Death to pride and ego.

Good luck ladies. Focus on getting YOU back, save your offspring....he only gets worse. Be that strong woman you once were....if Im unemployed doing it, so can you. When there is a will there is a way. Dont tolerate it. Any woman KNOWS it all starts off with a man yelling irrationally....it then comes into physical abuse. Dont put up wiht it, unless you can punch him back and break his nose, bust a eye and are trained like myself but even I had to retrain myself and have control over this cause I know I would do serious damage to him and I control that. Instead, you control the mental aspect and CONTROL him. A woman can do this to any man, no matter how abusive he is....it all depends on how much time you want to invest always being the one suffering and making an effort with seldom rewards ..cause it will take years and years before you see the change.

[7000]

my partner not only yelled,but he broke things when i yell him back and i hate it when he yelled at me in front of my family including my mum and friends. and i dont know how to stop him, sometimes i wish him dead but this man probably has longer life than me because he is happy and he enjoy yelled at me because he feel like he is a man and woman should listen to man no matter what and i think there is nothing can stop him, i wanted to leave him but i think about our children because i knew how it felt when your mum and dad divorced, its the sadest thing that you ever been through and i dont want this feeling get to my children but in the mean time, my partner case remain unsolved but i relly wish he died instead of as separating because that would effect the children . sorry if anyone find my comment offend. thanks

[lightalamp]

I am in a similar but maybe not as bad a situation since the last 19 years. My husband is just in a bad mood most times a day. Benign, neutral conversations when he is relaxed and in a good mood are great. But, conversations about finance, differences of opinion and when things don't happen as planned, he gets angry very quickly. He puts me down if I make a mistake because he wants to help me learn but you can't say anything, even gently, when he makes a mistake. He will scream and tell me to get out.  My teenage son sometimes yells at me similarly and I don't know if he is going through normal teen behavior, but I feel exhausted.  
He has often told me to hold him tight and hug him when he is in a bad mood as that is what he actually needs.I have tried this and also leaving the room, and it does indeed help him calm down much quicker. He does hug me and try to calm me down if I sometimes yell at the kids on a day when he is in a good mood so I see his point. The difference is, he is so often in a bad mood it is simply exhausting. If someone holds up the traffic he calls them stupid and speaks in an angry tone. He will speed on the highway if he is in a bad mood. He will yell at my mistakes but can't handle any criticism, however gentle of himself.
He works all the time to move on in his career, so I do feel highly resentful of that.
We sometimes have very good days also and is also very loving and caring and dependable. Counselling on several occasions has just not helped and he just doesn't seem to get it. I have changed over the years quite a bit and am much less volatile and do not react every time he says something nasty so that has helped.
Being in the company of some very positive friends and family members on my side and his has definitely helped me be a better person, and to use humor to deal with differences of opinion and to understand how some men simply think very differently than women, and other men; and how to bring out the best in them.
My husband knows he has anger issues, and has been through issues growing up.However, as far as he is concerned, I am the one over reacting and actually the one with anger problems. I am indeed not getting angry as much anymore and have changed. However, I feel like a shell of a person as our opinions are so different, and I can't simply have a conversation or voice my opinion without things quickly becoming unpleasant.
Because of his disapproval, I have made the choice to not actively pursue my interests outside of the home. Our marital discord has precluded our children from getting the best of what each of us has to offer, and they have grown indifferent to and even sometimes even opositional to all the values we would like to give them.
However, I do always feel like a second class citizen in my home, and am now at a stage in my life when separation is an option I would like to consider.
I know longer wish to seek counselling or anger management as, after reading the above blogs, it agree these will only work if he initiates these.
I would like to separate at some point over the next one or two years or maybe later but am confused about several things. First of all, I want this to be as easy on the children as possible. I know he is going to take this very badly so I do not expect this to be the case. Secondly, one of us will have to move out, so I am not sure how to divide the money, possessions etc. Lawyers I have called seem to charge a lot even for consultation, so I would like people's inputs and suggestions before I approach them.
I want to know how much is lost financially in the process, how to avoid getting cheated of my fair share and how to help the children rise above this.

[cansada]

so Robert my husband is exactly like the guy above and I am about to leave we have 3 kids and he is just too much does not have any friends does not get along with anyone because of anger problems yelled at HR and got fired...its the same thing...what to do if does not change I will leave him and take my kids with...

[babe60441285]

My man is really really nice, he does everything for me. He brings me things when ever i need them. But heres teh problem. He over takes the relationship. He's always doing all the talking about what were gon na do for fun, its always his way with everything, the cooking, cleaning, how were going to do this or how this is going to happen. I feel like (i know most of my women friends say they'd love to have a man do all the cleaning but he drives me nuts) my own self and personality has been taken from me. When I try to go do things on my own he questions me where am i going? when im going to be back? and then if i say, look I got things i need to do just give me this day ok? he starts screaming at the top of his lungs. when ever I try to explain how his overwhelming control bothers me and makes me feel like hes taking my own person from me and talking for me make sme feel like i dont have my own mind to make any decisions. even before I even start to talk calmly, he already assumes what I'm going to say, puts words in my mouth then starts screaming at the top of his l ungs again. then its back to BABY, lets just not argue. Baby stop talking baby stop! its like I CANT TALK FOR MYSELF, I CANT THINK FOR MYSELF, I CANT CLEAN FOR MYSELF, I CANT MAKE PLANS FOR MYSELF BECAUSE HES WANTING TO DO IT ALL FOR ME, THEN TELL ME HOW THINGS ARE GONNA "ROLL" I have no self left with him. Then the only thing he wants to do for fun is "ONLY" what he wants to do. Anything I want to do he says OH HELL NO im never going to do that. I HATE THAT. For example, he had some special award I went for and he was all conceited about and proud of course, i was like congratulations. But he had already bragged himself up real good to th epoint where I had no compliments left because he took them all LMAO. then i just didnt say anything, we get in the car and hes like "WHAT youc ant even appreciate my award or say congratulations STEVE or nothing?" screaming at the top of his lungs, out in public in front of everyone. I have done my screaming back episodes but it gets me nowhere. I'm fed up with this. I love him with all of my heart. And were suppose to get married. We are the most cuddly loving couple ever. We are passionately in love. But the last time I had sang, ( I sing very very good) at a karaoke contest, i wanted him to come, because i felt that was "MY MOMENT" and wanted to share it with him. He fought wiht me about how he didn't want to go to a bar, and how i dont belong in bars. Basically calling me a bar fly. .I keep telling him my dreams are there to sing. And i went by myself, won 3000 and was alone. sititng at a table. I felt so lonely I started to cry because he wasn't there. I'm sick of this. Every time I say its over to him. he calls and trys to talk nice to me and plays on things i need, to get back in. Like this week, i was like no im done wiht  yous creaming at me. I cant evne hold a coversation with you without u screaming. so I"M DONE. he calls me and says "Look I know your van is breaking down and you have no one to help you" please let me just do that for you. I will say ok but im not going back. then he starts screaming again. THen I say well u just said you wanted to fix my van to be nice!!! Its like a no end way. I have trialed and errored a few men and im done looking. If I dont marry him I'm going to be single the rest of my life. He is going thru counseling and everything but he continues to go off. I don't love anyone as much as I love him. We get along so good when were together.

[cgpotts]

Please help  me my name is Angelia. I have a angry husband and don't know what to do? Please help me. my number is 334-283-8485

[imas719]

Hi my Name is Imas, and I have a problem. I yell.
I am married (3 years), have two very young beautiful kids, and a wife I love and am attracted to. I work hard, so does my wife, and my wife and I equally contribute financially. She does a lot of chores for the family. Chores I am open about not performing (Laundry, dishes, bathing the kids EVERY night). I do the man-chores: lawn, fixing, car issues, etc..
I don't drink, I don't beat, I don't call my wife bad names, but I have a short fuse. I feel as if small things mount up and set me off. My world is on my shoulders, the world is a scary and effed up place, and I want us to be safer than everyone else. However, I calm down quickly, but like to be left alone after an argument. No where in my yelling do I lose love for my wife. I noticed when my wife comes after me to keep talking about it it keeps the fire going, and I yell more so I am learning to avoid those continued arguments. My dad was a yeller, and worse at a time. I feel miles better than him, but that's not how my wife see's it. She said in our latest argument that she is losing respect for me and that is making her lose love for me. I detected such as time has past, and maybe it has made me hurt inside to the point that I bottle that up too.
I know she's right, I yell a lot, but in my family with two brothers it was how we communicated. I know that's not an excuse, but all the yelling in the world did not shake our love as a family - it was just how we communicated. At least that's what I tell myself. I noticed wedding planning and the babies have made my temper worse. As if they were just the icing on the cake... but they're not... they're the cake! They mean everything to me, how do I control my volume?! How do I fix my self so that my wife can stop using my volume as a reason to fight? She's not perfect either, but that never comes up, it's always me, me, me, me, me. How is that fair?

[pippi7]

Here's the technique I use to counteract my boyfriend when he yells at me.  Whenever my boyfriend says something disrespectful to me, I repeat exactly what he said to me, back to him.  It takes him about half an hour, but he eventually gets it.  He hears what he says, and he knows I will not accept it.   It keeps the fight from escalating.  Try it.  

[AndreaJS17]

Hi Robert,

I am sorry, it is no my business and your comment was not for me.But I am kind of in the same situation. My fiancee has always been bad tempered but now it is getting worse. Every week he yells at me for stupid, senseless things and I feel bad, unloved, and actually it makes me have second thoughts of our future. I'm really getting fed up with the situation because I feel his reactions are way to exagerated... I'd love to talk to you about a possible solutions, maybe you can give me some tips that would help. I love him, with all my heart and I want him to overcome this. I'm a strong believer that people can change for good.

[youknow916]

HELP NEEDED!! with an ex bf in fact.....I moved to a new country with my Bf at least 1 year ago. we have being with each other for about 2 years . we recently broke up. and when this happened he told me that he didnt want to be with me because he could not see himself with me later on in life , .Our arguments where crazy !!!all day every day. I was in and out of work when i first moved in with him and he found every reason to blame me for everything and anything. When i wasnt working i would cook ,clean, was his clothes, iron them ,walk the dog everything!!!!!! he would come home and yell at me about how he couldnt find a missing pair of socks and how i would always loose them . So i stopped doing his washing!!!!then i was blamed for being lazy... This guy would scream at me for anything, even in public. At the pub,grocery store , even out and about with friends.( But he did not do this with other people i noticed) except for his mum , whom he said i was very similar too:( If he wasnt blaming me for something then he would yell at me because i told him that his behaviour was embarrassing . then he would yell at me more about that. either way the only person to loose in this situation was me!!! . any way after he broke up with me . I found a good job .moved out , etc. Then i was made redundant. So guess what im now moving back in with him until i get myself sorted. Despite what ive said about him his a good guy and would do almost anything to help someone out but the anger is too much. I am no angel myself and have had a bad past .but i do care about this guy and still love him even though we are not together as a couple. I think he still loves me too. As we  still behave like a couple most of the time. I am very anxious about moving in with him, but have no choice as have little funds, I dont want the arguments, the anger,the drama , the embarressment. I WANT TO HELP HIM .WHAT SHOULD I DO??? SOMEONE HELP. Im in a new country and dont know anyone .need advice

[youknow916]

HELP NEEDED!! with an ex bf in fact.....I moved to a new country with my Bf at least 1 year ago. we have being with each other for about 2 years . we recently broke up. and when this happened he told me that he didnt want to be with me because he could not see himself with me later on in life , .Our arguments where crazy !!!all day every day. I was in and out of work when i first moved in with him and he found every reason to blame me for everything and anything. When i wasnt working i would cook ,clean, was his clothes, iron them ,walk the dog everything!!!!!! he would come home and yell at me about how he couldnt find a missing pair of socks and how i would always loose them . So i stopped doing his washing!!!!then i was blamed for being lazy... This guy would scream at me for anything, even in public. At the pub,grocery store , even out and about with friends.( But he did not do this with other people i noticed) except for his mum , whom he said i was very similar too:( If he wasnt blaming me for something then he would yell at me because i told him that his behaviour was embarrassing . then he would yell at me more about that. either way the only person to loose in this situation was me!!! . any way after he broke up with me . I found a good job .moved out , etc. Then i was made redundant. So guess what im now moving back in with him until i get myself sorted. Despite what ive said about him his a good guy and would do almost anything to help someone out but the anger is too much. I am no angel myself and have had a bad past .but i do care about this guy and still love him even though we are not together as a couple. I think he still loves me to. As we  still behave like a couple most of the time. I am very anxious about moving in with him, but have no choice as have little funds, I dont want the arguments, the anger,the drama , the embarressment. I WANT TO HELP HIM .WHAT SHOULD I DO??? SOMEONE HELP. Im in a new country and dont know anyone .need advice

[sansan2012]

hi imas, your letter could have been from my husband... except I believe you are a step ahead of him. he has not understood just yet that he is the one nagging and screaming all the time. he still thinks its my fault too. how is this fair? it isn't . If you guys need help - I guess you have to go get help just like anyone else who is sick or has a problem. I just wish my husband would get this. I know he loves me, and our child... but his patience is down to zero most of the time. its hard for me, but I don't know what this will do to our child. go get help. once you can skip the yelling, you are probably most welcome to tell your wife a few things you want her to change. hopefully she will then too, but I believe she will because she'll really appreciate the fact that you did something against the yelling...
good luck!

[anonymous3031]

It appears to me he does not know how to take care of you or your son. Possibly ask what's on his mind when he throws a fit. He's simply ignorant no matter what position he works in. As for your baby. Start a scheduled list where you two share the responsibilities. Instead of dates introduce him to an activity or goal you can both can relate to. He could possibly going through crisis from the whole change of single to married to responsibility of child birth. It's always a big change.He could possibly be lacking and or missing something he's always wanted to do. Take Care Momma

[kye970]

He will never stop no matter what you do. Even if he does stop yelling,punching,hitting or what ever why should you give someone who put you through that (even for a nano second) a chance to change? Ladies, he does not deserve to share the same air as you if he can abuse you. We all know what abuse is, it is not getting a bit wound up after a long stressfull day at work, that's just stress! Abuse is when someone makes you feel that you don't have the right to defend yourself verbally in an arguement, when someone makes you feel like garbage for small issues you argue about by means of slapping, yelling etc. If abuse was no big deal, then why aren't politicians killing each other instead of defending their positions verbally? When it's okay to go into a store and punch out a sales lady for not helping you right away and the cops are not called then abuse is acceptable in our society. Unfortunately the only way he will learn and stop hurting you or anyone else is if you have him arrested and don't drop the charges no matter how much begging he does. He will then change his nasty, devilish ways for good and if he doesn't....... well that's why prisons are over populated these days, they are filled with men who never learned their lesson after the first arrest! Take care!

[YouAreLoved]

The fact is, you have only one choice: leave, or make the decision to stay. If you leave, then you will have related issues to deal with. If you stay, then you will be doing all the work in the relationship. Your part of the relationship is not about him. It's about you. If you don't know who you are, then take steps to find out. If you are not who you thought you would be, then work out who you want to be and become her. Even in your present circumstances you can make personal choices and decisions, but be forewarned....do not discuss "you", with him. He will tear you apart. He doesn't want you to change because he needs you as you are now to continue in his abuse of you, and in his own self-destruction. I'll share a story from a local newspaper which I just read this morning. A group of families, about 70 people, were camping over the July 4th weekend. Some decided to go canoeing on the lake there, when a 15-year old boy fell out of a canoe and was struggling in the water. A 21 year old man saw him, and jumped out of his canoe to save the boy. Neither could swim, and neither wore life jackets. They both went down into the water and never came back up. Think about this: Each canoe is carrying a unique individual, each having their own wants, needs, personality traits, goals, dreams & expectations, all their baggage, all their anger, resentment & pain. Then things go wrong; the lake is the battleground: neither partner is fully equipped to help the other; both jump in not wanting to leave the relationship, but rather than save each other, they destroy each other. It is better to take care of yourself first....learn to swim in your present circumstances then you'll be wearing the lifejacket needed to possibly help him.....at the least you will be better able to access your situation and make healthy choices for yourself and your children. And you will be a confident and competent woman again. There's a wonderful book that will change your life if you read it, and I pray that you do. It's called "The Man Who Loved Women" by Bruce Marchiano. Your strength will return, your beauty (and EVERY woman has a beauty all her own) will glow, you heart will grow....and you will become secure. Please, please read this book.

[momneedshelp700]

Robert as I read your comment I just cried!!!  I have been marrie for 3 years now and things keep geting worse.  My husband is a wonderful man but I cannot take his yelling and cursing any more.  I have a 15 year old daughter from another marriage and a 4 year old with him.  My older daughter does not even like to be around him and my younger daughter (his daughter) is scared of him.  I don't know what to do any more.  I will admit that I  feel that I am hurting my daughters more by staying with him than if I were to leave.  I don't feel the same feelings anymore for him either.  I have become cold and distant and I hate feeling this way.  Even when he says I'm sorry it make me more mad, because you can only treat someone that way for so long and the sorry don't mean anything!!!  The way I see if is if he was sorry he would do his best to try not to talk to me that way.  He is on antidepression meds and he did get them changed a few months ago after I told him I was not doing it any more.  They seem to have helped but he still blows up about every other day or so.  I know that he can controll it more than he does because he is not like that when people are around.  I will just get ticked off and stream off a line of curse words over nothing (like when he drops a piece of mail on the the "SOB What the H#LL, F**ck,) with my kids right there.  No need for that!!!!  it is a flipping price of mail!!!  This really happend I am not stretching it.  my youngest daughter talks bad to me and when I have had enough then he jumps in and is harsh with her.  He even picked her up the other day and threw her on the couch and was tapping her on her face talking "AT" her.  He wasn't smacking her but it was too much, she is 4!!!  She talks to me alot like he talks to me so I cannot blame her, she will do what she sees and if it is ok for one she doesn't understand why she is getting in trouble!!  I don't know what to do by he is not only hurting my but both of my daughters and I can't have that!!!!!!  What do I do and how long do I let this go on???  I feel helpless!!!!

Christina

[crystalzarad]

Robert, I would love your insight. I SOOOOOO love my hubby and we have a beautiful girl and I am getting so hurt and tired of him yelling, snapping and putting me down. It feels like such hate and is so draining.

[Whateverblowsmyhairback]

I am 51. Been with my husband since 1998... married for 8 years and had two children with him, both have mild to moderate special needs.Had three children from a previous marriage [husband passed away] who are now all adults.
Previous to marriage, we were together for about a year before we broke up. I was so in love with this man, that I would accept his calls and intimacy after the breakup. He would come around occasionally or call but wouldn't commit to anything... sometimes not even show up when he was said he would be over. My older children have their own issues and have resentment toward him for their individual reasons and he has resentment toward them for one reason or another.
Before him, I owned my home with a small mortgage, a car without a loan, nice furniture and managed everything myself. After him, everything we needed repair has either been broken or damaged by him. He doesn't seem to know how to have nice things, despite living in a well kept home. All the savings I had and owned is gone or in jeopardy. My antoques are all damaged in some way. Nothing is worth anything.

He grew up in a severely dysfunctional family where his older brothers beat on them mercilessly and let their friends taunt he and his twin. I strongly dislike his family and especially his mother, a retirred cardiac nurse. She let them fend for themselves and fight everything out. I refuse to engage her when she gets nasty. On the verge of Alzheimer's, I cannot even imagine caring for her or having her in my home full time.

This is just the background... My husband has always told me he had a bad temper, but I never fully saw it. It has just been the last 3-4 years that he has become more verbal. Here and there, I saw this look he gets when he gets angry that looks so crazy and scary. It took the worst turn when one day he knocked hot coffee from my hand and wrestled me to the back of the sofa and choked me. Cops came and convinced me that he was the bread winner etc. First thing he did was call his twin and tell him tearfully he was going to jail. Then he obeyed the cops and went to his mother over a 100 miles away for the weekend. Since, he verbalized how all women are cheaters, liars, drama queens and cry to get their ways and if they could be punched by a guy and he wouldn't go to jail for it, they would not be that way. He has been getting angrier and angrier everytime something happens. He's pushed me and grabbed me gritting his teeth and yelling at me in my face in the last two months. 5 days ago, my grandson who is almost 4 years old climbed up into my 7 year olds bed and sat on his back and started walloping him with his fists, hitting him with a toy and tried to choke him from behind [btw he wasn't a witness to my husnad doing this to me several years earlier]. I don't know why my grandson did this or why he has a problem with hitting which is not related to my husband. I got to the stuation first, and tried to get him out of my son's bed,... actually saw him doing this act and my husband pushed past me and grabbed him roughly out of my son's bed and screamed in his face, following him down the hall to another bedroom and continued for minutes. My daughter ran in and she tried to stop it, to which my husband replied, "Don't ever f**n hit my kids again!" Of course my daughter and her husnad left. The whole time I was trying to stop him from screaming at him and for this he screamed in my face when they left. When I asked why he was directing it at me, he said it was because I told him he was wrong and to stop. I could tell the whole dialog but you get the picture.

My behaviour towards him is so different from when we were first married. I am at the point where I don't know how I feel, or what to do. I want to do, but I have no money and no means to take care of my two youngest. The youngest of the older three from my first marriage is only 19, but lives at home though she is working full time as an RDA making decent money. I have medical care coming up and you know, I am passed caring if I make it through surgery. I used to be decent looking, healthy and active. I have no friends and my family life is fallen apart. I can't help him. I can barely help myself anymore. I have had counseling in the past... he went to the first meeting and quit. We still aren't talking and to be honest, I don't care. It used to make me crazy. Now I am hurt and cry. I am not even sure why I am even writing this. I can look for help all I want, but he needs help to end this terrible legacy and sickness.

[Whateverblowsmyhairback]

I am 51. Been with my husband since 1998... married for 8 years and had two children with him, both have mild to moderate special needs.Had three children from a previous marriage [husband passed away] who are now all adults.
Previous to marriage, we were together for about a year before we broke up. I was so in love with this man, that I would accept his calls and intimacy after the breakup. He would come around occasionally or call but wouldn't commit to anything... sometimes not even show up when he was said he would be over. My older children have their own issues and have resentment toward him for their individual reasons and he has resentment toward them for one reason or another.
Before him, I owned my home with a small mortgage, a car without a loan, nice furniture and managed everything myself. After him, everything we needed repair has either been broken or damaged by him. He doesn't seem to know how to have nice things, despite living in a well kept home. All the savings I had and owned is gone or in jeopardy. My antoques are all damaged in some way. Nothing is worth anything.

He grew up in a severely dysfunctional family where his older brothers beat on them mercilessly and let their friends taunt he and his twin. I strongly dislike his family and especially his mother, a retirred cardiac nurse. She let them fend for themselves and fight everything out. I refuse to engage her when she gets nasty. On the verge of Alzheimer's, I cannot even imagine caring for her or having her in my home full time.

This is just the background... My husband has always told me he had a bad temper, but I never fully saw it. It has just been the last 3-4 years that he has become more verbal. Here and there, I saw this look he gets when he gets angry that looks so crazy and scary. It took the worst turn when one day he knocked hot coffee from my hand and wrestled me to the back of the sofa and choked me. Cops came and convinced me that he was the bread winner etc. First thing he did was call his twin and tell him tearfully he was going to jail. Then he obeyed the cops and went to his mother over a 100 miles away for the weekend. Since, he verbalized how all women are cheaters, liars, drama queens and cry to get their ways and if they could be punched by a guy and he wouldn't go to jail for it, they would not be that way. He has been getting angrier and angrier everytime something happens. He's pushed me and grabbed me gritting his teeth and yelling at me in my face in the last two months. 5 days ago, my grandson who is almost 4 years old climbed up into my 7 year olds bed and sat on his back and started walloping him with his fists, hitting him with a toy and tried to choke him from behind [btw he wasn't a witness to my husnad doing this to me several years earlier]. I don't know why my grandson did this or why he has a problem with hitting which is not related to my husband. I got to the stuation first, and tried to get him out of my son's bed,... actually saw him doing this act and my husband pushed past me and grabbed him roughly out of my son's bed and screamed in his face, following him down the hall to another bedroom and continued for minutes. My daughter ran in and she tried to stop it, to which my husband replied, "Don't ever f**n hit my kids again!" Of course my daughter and her husnad left. The whole time I was trying to stop him from screaming at him and for this he screamed in my face when they left. When I asked why he was directing it at me, he said it was because I told him he was wrong and to stop. I could tell the whole dialog but you get the picture.

My behaviour towards him is so different from when we were first married. I am at the point where I don't know how I feel, or what to do. I want to do, but I have no money and no means to take care of my two youngest. The youngest of the older three from my first marriage is only 19, but lives at home though she is working full time as an RDA making decent money. I have medical care coming up and you know, I am passed caring if I make it through surgery. I used to be decent looking, healthy and active. I have no friends and my family life is fallen apart. I can't help him. I can barely help myself anymore. I have had counseling in the past... he went to the first meeting and quit. We still aren't talking and to be honest, I don't care. It used to make me crazy. Now I am hurt and cry. I am not even sure why I am even writing this. I can look for help all I want, but he needs help to end this terrible legacy and sickness.

[Ginapool]

Hello all!

I definitely can relate. My husband have been together for six years, however, just this last year he started this awful yelling routine. He has had many stressors that may be contributing... Such as being layed off from three different jobs in the past year, as well as my chronic illness. I have a rare deadly disease called wegeners that has taken tole on our marriage. I am a morally supportive wife, do 90% of the house chores, handle all the administrative areas, as well as being the breadwinner. I just don't know what to do to make him stop.. He flips out daily about small stuff ie. "why does your coffee always tast like f....ing sh...t!" or "is that f...ing" water on the floor?!". I remember when I was having a panic attack he yelled "calm the f...k down!"  I believe this started when I became severely I'll last year and did not have the energy to stand up to him. As the saying goes "people treat you the way you let them".  He doesn't want to do marriage therapy. He attributes his explosions as.... "you made me do it!" Zero ownership. When I threatened to leave him, He escalates and I spend the next hour trying to console him. I don't see this resolving. I'd like to leave him, but I am concerned about him hurting himself.. He has threatened it before. Not sure what to do. Thoughts?

[mentallyfree]

his anger and abusiveness is not your fault. These men are egostistical whiners who are selfish and when things get tough in the real world or they can't get their way, even if they can't get a hard on! They want to blame you for all their shortcomings so they don't have to face the reality of their own pathetic selves as failures of  what they didn't acheived or what they don't have because of you, and how much they think their friends have. Wake up women. Scheme and plan for a future for yourselves and stash everything you can for the moment to RUN!

[poofy555]

Yeah, my husband yells a lot but claims he's just talking loud. Say's he's always been that way. Has been this way now for 36 years and maintains that he's not yelling..as his voice gets louder....and louder..no physical abuse, no name calling on either side but it's the constant loud sounds coming from his voice box that gets on my nerves. I tried whispering when he gets loud so he would have to be quiet to hear me. Then he yells again because he can't hear me....the radio is blasting all the time because he says it's too quiet to hear. I think he's got hearing loss if he needs to yell all the time and keep the radio blasting at home and in the car.  Think he needs anger management or a hearing test?

[Stuckhereforever]

My husband of 5years was injured at work a couple of years ago about the same time or son was born. I always knew he had anger problems but he had already been to anger management and had never been angry with me. Well about a year or so ago he started getting really verbally abusive. He would tell me I was retarded call me an unfit mother and everything else you can think of. He even yells at me if I wake him up to get him to share the bed with me, the couch isn't exactly comfy. He also yells at our son for just about anything. He says it is because he feels worthless because he can't work and have to and that he doesn't mean it but why should we have to be yelled at because of it. It isn't our fault. I don't even have friends anymore because he would never let me talk to them do they just ignore me now . I dknt know what to do but it is really destroying me inside and probably my son too. Sorry this is so long just really needed to tell someone.

[rosienotsomuch]

verbal abuse starts when you feel uncomfortable, not when the abuser tells you it does...take if from me, my husband tells me it is all me, I am too sensitive, but I know if it hurts you or makes you feel unworthy or demeaned then it is verbal abuse, no start time it just always was

[rosienotsomuch]

do not count on change, the only thing you can do to change this is change your location from him....

[kikibb]

Hey...I'd really like to hear how you overcame your anger issues.  My husband and I have been married for 16 years and we have three children.  It seems his anger just gets worse and if it weren't for the kids, I'd leave him.  My brother and sister are divorced so I know this isn't a great decision and has a lot of repercussions.  I am really trying to hang on...
Thanks for any help!!

[kikibb]

I feel your pain.  Been here for 16 years.  Kids don't want me to divorce their dad, but we all live in misery because of his mood swings and mean words.  I wish I had a solution.  I married someone who can be a really great person/dad, then turns into a total a** at the drop of a hat.  He has taken to making little digs about me to the kids too.  I hate it.  And usually I hate him!  

[rosy32]

hey guys im suffering with the same prblm we got married 7mnts ago from the day 4 he started showing anger at me he says that every women should listen to her husband women shoulkd not get anger or any emotions she should not have any emotions when i shout at him.some times he breaks all the valueble things and sometimes he himself hits to wall or windows im afraid of his behaviour i dont know what to do.if show anger at him he will say that he will give divorse to me .he will never spend time with me.always he will shout or roar at me.what to do pls any one let me out of this guys

[rosy32]

hey guys im suffering with the same prblm we got married 7mnts ago from the day 4 he started showing anger at me he says that every women should listen to her husband women shoulkd not get anger or any emotions she should not have any emotions when i shout at him.some times he breaks all the valueble things and sometimes he himself hits to wall or windows im afraid of his behaviour i dont know what to do.if show anger at him he will say that he will give divorse to me .he will never spend time with me.always he will shout or roar at me.what to do pls any one let me out of this guys

[diva218]

It seems the nicer i get the louder he becomes. He yells and and curses then he later turns it around and blames it on all on me.

[daydreamer01]

I am  sorry to say the children are not a good reason to stay in an abusive relationship and it is unfair to them.My children told me they wondered why their lives were different from other children from divorced parents well first of all no matter what your issues are put your children first we never talked bad about each other to our children and even though it was different and difficult we did not want our children to suffer so they never had to live the life of children in a divorced relationship we still did things as a family and kept our children lives as normal as possible and now looking back on it we both realize we did give our children a close to normal as possible life .we are proud of that because to this day even tho they are grown they thank us for the normal stable life that makes it so worth it!.As for your relationship if you ant to fight for it and it is worth it try some type of counseling if you are sure there is no hope then it is best to move on.

[timesareforchange]

I've been reading some of the follow up posts on this page, and most of the posts I read are form the victims, be they male or female. Not much offered by way of solutions. Obviously there is not quick and easy fix. I landed on this page, because I am the verbally abusive boyfriend looking to change. And I can say that after spending 30 minutes reading the posts here last night, I woke up this morning, spoke to my GF in a friendly tone, and gave her a kiss. I know that it's only day one, but it seems to me, that I need to continue reading/research/educating myself, for at least 30 minutes a night.

To all the victims, as far as I know, as of now, all you can do is :

a) decide whether you think your partner is willing to change
b) if they are, have them come here and spend some time reading/learning. If they are not, I suspect you are in a relationship which will either ultimately, tragically fail, or you will live a very long, lonely and sad life.

How many murder/suicides do you see on the news each night, and how many don't you see. I think the difference is education. Educating yourself if you are the perpetrator, is the only way to change.

The more I think about it, the more all of the above makes sense to me. I can rave on endlessly with supporting reasons for the above, and I think I probably will with additional posts.

[londonchris59]

He has to start respecting you for who you are. This is very serious and if he can't do you should better leave him sooner rather than later.

[MsC67]

help me my husband just HAD to retire and he yells constantly. every little thing from not putting cookies on a xmas plate right to stirring the pasta with the wrong spoon. Day after day. help me

[berti111]

this is much easier said that done. I have been married to thisman for 36 years.  He has always managed to  make ( or at least try to) me believe his rages are caused by the fact that I don't listen to him ( or give a damn enoiugh about him to listen) and he says it builds up in him until he can't take it anymore and has to 'tell' me about it.   He insists that I think it is always about me, yet I spend SO much of my day wondering if I am doing what ever task the way he would want me to.  Hoping it will please him and we can have a good day/evening.  He can be very loving and romantic most of the time but there is this other side to him that scares me and the things he says to me are so cruel and hurtful.  He even accused me tonight of unconsciously doing things to make his life difficult or hurt him.  I am not that forward thinking.  I end up being the one to apologise even though I know I am doing it just to make him 'love ' me again.

[berti111]

there are really nice men out there that are lonely beaucse someone didn't treat them nice as well. Also you can be an amazing person without a man.  Long story short, you DO NOT have to live with someone that doesn't appreciate you.  Doesn't matter if there is a child /children involved.  Some day they will respect you all the more for your strength and your choices.

[fred001]

also when a guy yells or gets easilly jelious it means he cares for u deeply i know it sounds crazy but its true.i had a girl friend if she wanted to have a girls night out it would bother me i wanted all of her attension and i  think the reason he acted like there was nothing wrong is because he didnt mean it from his heart at least i didnt..but this is what i wanted to tell u..theres a saying you dont know what u got till its gone.next time he ells at u take ur son to a hotell for a few days make him realize how lucky he is to have u and ur son then he will change..he can not take ur son i know in other countrys the father gets custody but not in america 99 percent of the time the father gets screwed and if u have ur son when u leave he will have to take u to court..life is way too short to live that way ..u need to ask ur self do u really love him?if u do u cant just sit back and take the abuse u need to make him realize what he has..dnt b afraid if he hits u he will go to jail and u will get ur son not him....goodluck...fred

[fred001]

very touching indeed my heart went out to you i really hate to comment when i dont know the people involved but i must say ur husband doesnt appreciae you..and i also hate to see marrages not work but sometimes a seperation is what is needed so he can see what a wonderfull wife u truely are..then maybe he will change...fred

[lifechoach]

Hello, I need to write you back. When I was reading your story, it's exactly the same as mine. I have 3 children and going through absolutely the same what you are going through. I am also the foreigner here. How is the situation now? My husband yells at me constantly, insults me in front of my children. I used to react badly, now I am quite. IT's much worse, when I was yelling back and fighting with him. But I don't want to be as him. I don't want to behave like an primitive immature child. My small children are more mature then him. IT's very sad how he treats me, but I kind of got use to it. I am very sad and scared for my great children. I gave promise to stay in marriage. I don't break promises. I want my kids to be fine.
TIll I got married, my life was very good in every way, so I say,  I need to have some cross in my life. MY husband is the one. Write me, if you can. Thanks. HOpefully thinks got better.

[Jorj888]

He has no rights to stop you from going anywhere you want to go. It is your right to go anywhere if you want and I cannot stop you from traveling. I also get yelled at and I really do not like it. If he ever yell at you, curse at you, threatens to beat you up and or beats you up. Just call the police. He is the 1 that is going to be arrested, not you or your son. Sending him to prison should stop from yelling at you. In prison, they have very tough punishments that your husband does not want. It'll not kill him but it gives him lessons that he needs to learn and he really has to learn to talk in nice low tones. To tell you the real truth, nobody likes getting yelled at so we'll have to deal with it!

[Dawn128]

Mine is not willing to admit he has a yelling problem or the times he does acknowledge it he places the blame on me or the children in some way.  I don't know why he can't just stop yelling. He has 3 beautiful boys that he is going to teach to grow up to be rageful hateful souls.  I do not want that for them.  I feel like he reverses all the good I try to do for them.  If he could just be happy we'd have a beautiful life but I am so close to ending the marriage b/c his yelling/raging ruins everything.  We've been married for 13 years and have  1,2 and 8 year old boys.  They are beautiful and I want the very best for them.  He is a great man other than the yelling...but the yelling affects everything.

[londonchris59]

Yelling is not necessary and in front of children totally unacceptable. The boys will struggle making friends as a result of this learnt anti-social behaviour. Your husband should and will realise this – latest when he sees it, but then it will be much harder for the boys to unlearn.

I recommend you speak to your husband about it calmly when you have some downtime. Don’t get angry when you speak about it ;-) Maybe try a money jar – everytime he yells, he needs to put money in the jar and apologise. The boys can participate… and will learn from their Dad as they observe his own efforts to learn something.