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how to stop my husband from yelling at me?
My husband and I have been together for 7+ years and married for 4 years now and we have a 20 month old son. We are both working professionals. Ever since I have been pregnant, my husband has been yelling at me when he gets stressed out by any situation. If my alarm clock went off and I didn't turn it off quickly enough he would scream at me "TURN OFF THE F****ING THING". When our son was little and woke up at night to feed, he would scream at me if I didn't wake up quickly enough. When our son was sick and had a high temperature, he started screaming at me. Recently he got fired from his job, because he screamed at the HR. This morning our car's battery died and he started screaming at me. My reaction varies between complete confusion, to panic, to sometimes screaming back at him. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. After each screaming episode he would not talk to me for a few days and then act as if nothing happened and be overly nice to me. If I dare to bring it up with him, he gets mad at me again. For the past 7 months he has slowly stopped socializing with all our friends, he does not like us going to our friend's place or going anywhere. I'm from another country and don't have any family here. When after one of his screaming episodes I threatened to leave him he said he would take my son away from me. I feel really isolated and depressed. I want to make our marriage work, but I feel like I'm losing my sanity on this roller coaster ride.
How can I stope all the yelling and cursing? I know this is having a very negative effect on my child.
How can I stope all the yelling and cursing? I know this is having a very negative effect on my child.
I searched on google for this problem and ran into this forum, i have realized that my boyfriend has anger issues... we are going to get married and move in together soon and start our life but this problem makes me to be cynical about our future... I just have a little hope that by the time he would change but what if he won't?
I´d like to add something, I have been reading a few of these comments. It´s sad to see the same patterns over and over, well i have found out the following. I am a husband myself, and I am constantly yelling with my wife, I know I am in the wrong. I also know my wife is in the wrong sometimes too (as she admits it).
I found out that as a son, my mother would do everything for us, take care of us, etc... so, as a grown up, having had care all my life, I have also grown into an undeveloped man. Don´t get me wrong, I´m very loving, romantic, etc... however, I am also a ******* sometimes, especially when I am nagged at, criticized, or if my wife keeps mentioning the past mistakes i´ve made (which I already asked her to forgive me for). So, when I´m frustrated from her behaviour, I yell. I hate it, this is NOT the type of man I want to be, it´s truly something horrible. You know about "fight or flight"? the reaction you get when you´re angry... well, i fight.
So I am desperate, my wife desires to seperate, she doesn´t hate me, but she feels we are incompatible, it may be so, however, this is very painful, because she is the love of my life.
Anyhow I came to this website, because i´m trying to find a solution. May GOD help me.
Pat.
I found out that as a son, my mother would do everything for us, take care of us, etc... so, as a grown up, having had care all my life, I have also grown into an undeveloped man. Don´t get me wrong, I´m very loving, romantic, etc... however, I am also a ******* sometimes, especially when I am nagged at, criticized, or if my wife keeps mentioning the past mistakes i´ve made (which I already asked her to forgive me for). So, when I´m frustrated from her behaviour, I yell. I hate it, this is NOT the type of man I want to be, it´s truly something horrible. You know about "fight or flight"? the reaction you get when you´re angry... well, i fight.
So I am desperate, my wife desires to seperate, she doesn´t hate me, but she feels we are incompatible, it may be so, however, this is very painful, because she is the love of my life.
Anyhow I came to this website, because i´m trying to find a solution. May GOD help me.
Pat.
My husband screams at me that I criticize him all the time; when all I asked was that he not tell the dog to go to the back door; having her walk across the house with soaking wet feet. I mentioned that he should have the towel at the front door if he's going to let her out there. I got screamed at! Not ordinary screaming, but blood-curdling, horrifying, abusive screaming to "Shut up! Shut up, Shut up! Then, Shut the f___ up!" Being screamed at that I am always criticizing him, and when I said that I'm not, he screams more saying that I'm not going to have the last word; "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! SHUT THE F___ UP!"
I can't say anything to him. Anything that crosses him the wrong way, he immediately screams now! Constantly!
My son came home from school with extremely low blood-sugar and was arguing that he didn't want a left-over for lunch. And again he is screaming how he was going to be late for his appointment with his trainer and he pays for it; and he's going to cancel it! GET OUT NOW! GET OUT! GET OUT! The same blood-curdling screams! It's insane!
He wonders why I am out at the gym for 3 hours. I have no haven anymore. He even works out of the house now. I have no place to go! I am feeling so scared and hurt, and I'm tired of crying. I don't want to leave him, but my younger son (who's 16) is afraid he's going to hurt me for just asking him something that rubs him the wrong way.
Did I really say anything wrong? Why am I made to feel that I did something wrong by asking someone to not let tell the dog to walk across the house with wet feet? I'm the one who will have to wipe it up at almost 1am!! Is it me, or is he going a bit crazy, taking everything out of context that I'm criticizing him about something. Either way, that doesn't excuse someone for their abusive behavior. It's insaneness in my home, and I don't feel safe when he gets like that. Lately is very often. I don't have anywhere to just curl up and relax. I stay up late at night because it's the only time I have a little peace and quiet to myself. I've been falling asleep on the sofa lately and I don't feel like I want to lay next to him. I've become fearful of him. I've talked to my brother-in-law because he has seen him get this way, and it's inexcusable. Nobody deserves to get bullied into submission. He keeps complaining that he can't live this way with all my complaining, but I'm even complaining if I mention that he didn't read the label when he washed my shirt and it said "line dry." I haven't even been complaining that he constant leaves food in the sink after he rinses his plate off. I didn't even say anything even though there was rice and sticky duck sauce splattered in the sink. Would it be so difficult to rinse the sink out? But when I've said that before, he goes ballistic about my complaining.
I don't know what to do? I'm feeling so stuck! I do love him, and he is hard-working man who many times can be very loving, but he flips like a light switch and I'm feeling that it is getting impossible to live like this. Needing serious help.
I can't say anything to him. Anything that crosses him the wrong way, he immediately screams now! Constantly!
My son came home from school with extremely low blood-sugar and was arguing that he didn't want a left-over for lunch. And again he is screaming how he was going to be late for his appointment with his trainer and he pays for it; and he's going to cancel it! GET OUT NOW! GET OUT! GET OUT! The same blood-curdling screams! It's insane!
He wonders why I am out at the gym for 3 hours. I have no haven anymore. He even works out of the house now. I have no place to go! I am feeling so scared and hurt, and I'm tired of crying. I don't want to leave him, but my younger son (who's 16) is afraid he's going to hurt me for just asking him something that rubs him the wrong way.
Did I really say anything wrong? Why am I made to feel that I did something wrong by asking someone to not let tell the dog to walk across the house with wet feet? I'm the one who will have to wipe it up at almost 1am!! Is it me, or is he going a bit crazy, taking everything out of context that I'm criticizing him about something. Either way, that doesn't excuse someone for their abusive behavior. It's insaneness in my home, and I don't feel safe when he gets like that. Lately is very often. I don't have anywhere to just curl up and relax. I stay up late at night because it's the only time I have a little peace and quiet to myself. I've been falling asleep on the sofa lately and I don't feel like I want to lay next to him. I've become fearful of him. I've talked to my brother-in-law because he has seen him get this way, and it's inexcusable. Nobody deserves to get bullied into submission. He keeps complaining that he can't live this way with all my complaining, but I'm even complaining if I mention that he didn't read the label when he washed my shirt and it said "line dry." I haven't even been complaining that he constant leaves food in the sink after he rinses his plate off. I didn't even say anything even though there was rice and sticky duck sauce splattered in the sink. Would it be so difficult to rinse the sink out? But when I've said that before, he goes ballistic about my complaining.
I don't know what to do? I'm feeling so stuck! I do love him, and he is hard-working man who many times can be very loving, but he flips like a light switch and I'm feeling that it is getting impossible to live like this. Needing serious help.
To all those that say "leave", you should be ashamed, abandoning a loved one is not an answer. When someone is yelling and angry about small things it is an Autonomic Anger Response. You need to understand it has nothing to do with you. To get started, don't threaten them. Tell them that the yelling is a deal breaker for the relationship, it is hurting you and you don't want to have to leave them to protect yourself. Tell them you love them and want to see them happier. Give them a deadline for some progress, like 3 months. Therapy is great if you can find a good therapist but it is very expensive. There are some good books that will work almost as well because it has more to do with his desire to change and hold on to you than anything and once given the information on why he is angry and yelling, he has to make the change.
To all those that say "leave", you should be ashamed, abandoning a loved one is not an answer. When someone is yelling and angry about small things it is an Autonomic Anger Response. You need to understand it has nothing to do with you. To get started, don't threaten them. Tell them that the yelling is a deal breaker for the relationship, it is hurting you and you don't want to have to leave them to protect yourself. Tell them you love them and want to see them happier. Give them a deadline for some progress, like 3 months. Therapy is great if you can find a good therapist but it is very expensive. There are some good books that will work almost as well because it has more to do with his desire to change and hold on to you than anything and once given the information on why he is angry and yelling, he has to make the change.
First of all. Stay safe. Avoid confronting your husband when he is angry or getting angry. It may not seem like it now, but this is a serious problem that only gets worse--at the very least with long term consequences to your child's adjustment and behavior. It is NOT your fault. YOU can't change or do anything to please a person with an anger management problem. He or she must decide to change and recognize what he or she is doing! Do not let the situation continue. If things aren't too bad insist he as an individual get anger management counseling. If things are worse, watch it!!!! Be careful of marriage counselors who like to say the problem is 50-50. It never is when 50 percent of the couple has an anger problem. Consult a good marriage counselor if that what it takes to convince your husband he needs to do this before you can work on your relationship together as a couple. If things are beyond this, you may need to talk to a police officer, or volunteers from a battered women's shelter, hospital, AA group, or safe house for advice and find out how to plan an emergency exit and have money and a place to go without announcing your plans to your husband.
Don't listen only to friends and relatives, or other posters, no matter how well meaning they all are. You can get some good advice that way, but getting professional help is much better, safer, and more effective! Again, it may seem safe, and if may be, but even so, it's still important that you Do NOT confront your husband with anger when he is already angry. You do not know how far he might go--and he might not know either until he has. You may have to leave the house to be safe and save the relationship. I hope things aren't that bad, and you do not have to. Good luck.
Don't listen only to friends and relatives, or other posters, no matter how well meaning they all are. You can get some good advice that way, but getting professional help is much better, safer, and more effective! Again, it may seem safe, and if may be, but even so, it's still important that you Do NOT confront your husband with anger when he is already angry. You do not know how far he might go--and he might not know either until he has. You may have to leave the house to be safe and save the relationship. I hope things aren't that bad, and you do not have to. Good luck.
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