I have been with my husband, J, for nearly three years. We have an 8mo old son whom we both adore. I have always known J has had a difficult time controlling and understanding his emotions. We had never been able to have an argument without him going up in arms and castrophizing the situation to where he convinced himself that our relationship was over. I have always asked him to seek a counselor and get into anger management. Up until now the reason for him not addressing his temper was due to a lack of money/insurance. Now that we have it he did ask his doctor about his temper and was prescribed Wellbutrin, which has seemed to help a bit, less explosive. But when I asked if he was referred to a counselor he lied and said his Dr. would call him back with a referral. That was 6mo ago. J does most of the driving and he gets road rage extremely easily as he feels everyone is slighting him. When my son and I are in the car and he drives aggressively I meekly ask him to slow down and be careful because I don;t want our son to get hurt, like in an accident or something, especially since we have so much snow now.J HATES that I suggest this. I had refused to get out of the car after one of these incidents because i didn';t feel comfortable leaving our son with J when was so mad. Please understand that I never think that J would PURPOSELY hurt our son, I am concerned about him getting hurt as a residule outcome from my husband's temper. When we arrived back home he swore at me, said he'd punch me in the face if I ever said that he would hurt our son again. I calmly took our son to my parent's house where we stayed for two days. I came back to our apartment alone to change clothes to go to work. He was still extremely upsat, said he was going to my parent's house to get our son and take him to california, he grabbed my very hard and shook me. I was flustered didn't want anything t happen at my parent's house and called the cops. When being interviewed by the police I realized they were suggesting that this was a form of domestic violence. Because I am sympathetic to J's emotional situation due to the way he was raised (his dad has an extremely explosive temper) I did not want to press charges or anything when I realized he left bruises where he grabbed me. But then I felt like they thought I was in denial. My son and I stayed at my folks; house another day until J left to go to California. All's I have asked him to do is get counselling, but instead he's telling everyone I just won;t let him see his son. I Want him to see our son! I'm just concerned about the behavior he's modelling and how his actions are going to change over time if he doesn't atke care of it now. Whe I came back home I found all our wedding pics gone, my wedding ring is gone, and he told my family he has filed for divorce. I have no idea what to do. Please help.
Gee, I hope you don't go back to him. He might have done you a huge favor and actually filed for divorce.
Seriously, it doesn't matter "why," what he is doing IS domestic abuse, and you have every right to be frightened about what he might do when he is in a rage. Would you excuse him if he harmed the baby because "it was the way he was raised -- his dad has an extremely explosive temper"?
Don't trouble yourself that he is telling "everyone" that you won't let him see the baby. Get a lawyer and get some advice. That child is going to become a pawn and you can't let him think he can manipulate you by threatening the child. Talk to a lawyer this week.
Hi Penelope, he did learn this behavior from his home as you mentioned. Its a way to be controlling and scare tactics do work. But from what you describe something else is going on with him. I feel he is not happy with himself and the world he has created. He may need to be on his own for a while to appreciate all that he has. If you try to push him with threats, this is the game he wants and will only end in divorce. I would make this a waiting game as you seem like a very caring person and i believe he will realize this when the dust settles.
You're husband is in denial about his anger issues, so he's lashing out at you. Given some time to think about it, he may have an epiphany and get help for himself. This is what his actions have created. You're not doing him any favors allowing his past family life to stop him from dealing with the consequences of his own actions. Physical abuse is like any learned addiction, and first one must recognize that their lives have become "unmanageable". Some folks come to this first step, some don't. All you can do is to be honest, and not be in denial yourself. You're doing him no favor being in denial about the effects of physical and mental abuse. You have a child to protect. You can't allow him to grow up and learn that this type of behavior is acceptable, for any reason. So pat yourself on the back for leaving, and support your husband by not accepting excuses and demanding the action required to change the abuse. If it is a divorce that he wants, give it to him. He's in denial, but you don't have to be. Stand firm. You should have charged your husband when you had to the chance, and maybe a court would have ordered anger management treatment. Your husband will likely be in your son's life, so the bottom line is, that he needs treatment. Now you may have to wait until your son comes home with bruises after a visitation?
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