My husband has anger problems, may some other kind of "disorders" but I don't know how to name it. He is a well educated person, professional, normal family, a father that was really hard in their education but good person. My husband doesn't accept disagreement. Whatever is in his mind is what matter. Some times he reacts very wise, but he has this kind of idea that things have to be perfect, or people should behave in an specific way. When we invite friends of my son to sleep over, I try to be very careful in who is coming because he can be very sensitive even if the kids don't say good night or thank you. Last thing he did was take my son in his neck because he wanted to study the way they do in school. He once kick me out our bed and hit me hard when our baby was born because I was sitting in the bed o hard in the middle of the night ( I was feeding the baby every three hours) since then we don't sleep together. Once we were traveling, he got mad and he let my older son, and me with the baby in the middle of the road, in a cafeteria when we stop to rest for short time. I notice he disappear without tell me anything. Later he came as if nothing happened, and denied what he did. He is always judging people, he does not have any friend. The only people he has is our family. At this point nobody visit us. Stories like this with him I have many, but essentially I'm worry because I don't know what to do. I asked him to go to counseling, and told him we all will go together. He doesn't not show any real interest on this. I'm the one that is pushing to go some place. He gets really mad for simple things. He also tells me that if we divorce he will take the baby with him because he makes more money that I do. I'm scare of him. of his reactions. I don't want to go with him any place because there is always some kind of situation that I try to avoid in front of the kids but I know is happening. Very confuse about all this. Is difficult to prove something because he is an intellectual and acts in front of people in different way...I also notice people don't like him. He can be very tender, offensive, and ver very authoritarian.
Need advise on what to do.
Yikes! Sounds like you have quite a dilemma. I think that counseling is essential to save your marriage and could definitely find the cause of your husbands behavior. Course, if you do get a divorce, saying that he's abusive will have the court in favor of you. Most of the time the court prefers the mother to have custody of the kids. If you ever need to, get a restraining order as well. Sorry about your situation. It must be hard what you're going through.
I would try to figure out a way to tape what he is doing. I assume if he is so controlling, he would notice one of those clocks that has a surveillance camera in it, but really, without witnesses, how else are you going to prove that he is so crazy in private?
I would at the least keep a journal (somewhere he cannot get it, like, leave it with a friend) of all the incidents. Once you have six months worth of documented evidence, you should talk to a lawyer.
In the meantime, keep pushing that you two should go for counseling. Nobody, mom or kids, should have to live in fear of someone with a violent temper.
Thanks for your words. Yes, is difficult to understand when you see him because he acts so normal, good, is incredible. But in his mind he is the only one who makes sense. His mood changes also on time. This morning I disagree with him about something I should do about work and he cut the conversation saying that there is nothing to talk about. Im trying to take him to counseling, but over time I think I will end leaving him. For now I just need to understand what's going on in his mind ti try to live in peace. Also, some days ago, I has to call the police over something that occurred here at home. He had to leave the house for that night according to the police. And he did. I think he feels now ashame about what happened but now sure.
Any suggestion is goin to be appreciated.
Annie thats a good advise. I usually email myself about things that happen. I have it in my email. But now I will start doing it in a more detail way. Thank you very much for your help and support. This site is great, is giving me more confidence about my future steps.
Health195, do you live in the United States? There is a good national hotline for women who are victims of domestic abuse, for calling and getting advice. Your doctor probably also has one of their pamphlets -- every time I go for a gyn appointment, they ask me a standard litany of questions about whether I feel safe in my home and so on, that they just do as a matter of course because enough women are in abusive situations and don't know where to go. If you are not being watched suspiciously by your husband, and if you have private time on your computer (and please don't assume he does not know how to get past your passwords and read what you write), you could find out a lot of these numbers and even talk to an attorney about what is happening and what would make the best case. It is interesting that he became more muted in his behavior once you called the police, that is a good sign that possibly he would go for counseling if you really pressed the issue.
Has he always been like this?.
Also realize that in todays everchanging world a person needs to hold on to what works and his attitude makes things work like the financial stability and such. He feels he is the head of the house and wont compromise this. Hes also trying to teach the kids to be this way also as it works. If his behavior has gotton worse over the years, i feel its because you also allowed this to happen by the habits and not wanting to argue with him to keep all that you have acheived. Ive noticed that when people become submissive, 2 things happen. The become more submissive and the other more powerful He is not willing to compromise. Him kicking you off the bed might not have been as thoughtless as you thinks as might of have been 1/2 asleep. I personally dont think him not being liked is an issue or that he has no friends but do believe that him treating you like this is part your fault as compromised how you wanted to be treated little by little and now you are at this point with him. If you reflect back to when you first met and the female charm you used to win him over, the same charm can be put into practice again but will only change little by little as the habit life style is deep into place. Go back to your femine self with him, he fell for it once and will fall for it again.
Life360, don't blame the victim for the actions of the oppressor. It is not as though the world consists of only two kinds of men, those who are being kept from being angry and violent by their wives employing feminine wiles, and those who act out their anger and violence because their wives don't employ their feminine wiles. Some guys are just good people who don't have a violent temper, or who don't take it out on anyone if they do. The wife does not control her husband's emotional health, that is his own responsibility.
One of the worse things someone can say to a woman who is trying to keep from being harmed by her partner is to imply that she somehow brought it on herself. This does not sound like a provocative woman who mouths off and makes things worse, this sounds like a person who has been trying to get along. And the thing is, even if she was mouthy and provocative, he is STILL responsible for himself and his actions. It is not her fault.
I believe that the victim and the oppressor are both to blame to some degree. Behavior modification is a real tool that can be used very effectively to change unwanted behavior. When a person allows another to control the situation the results will be in favor of the controlee. An active plan must be put into place. If people reflect inward as to why a certain thing has developed, that same reflection can bring a way to change it. When i use the word partly at fault i mean they partly responsible. Most of the time things just dont happen out of the blue but there are certain events of being that lead to them. If a situation is out of their control, they must take back the control for the direction they want to change.
When I look back over the years, I think he was getting better in the way he acts, and he usually is a good man but sometimes in his anger he gets really bad, not just with other people, but the way people look at him. Sometimes, he does not need to be mad, is just the way he criticize others, or situations where he's not in control...then acts in a way that is not nice. Sometimes, he may be right, but he does not choose the right way to express those feelings or ideas. I'm sure he needs help, counseling. I'm checking on this now for all of us to go. If there is something we can work together we will do. But, I just prefer to keep thing quiet because of the kids..at least in front of them. the thing is that love is turning in something else that may take to the point to leave him without not regret. All your comments are very helpful. I'm afraid of those situations with him and prefer to avoid it. That is putting us apart. He knows that and I believe he would like to change it.
I feel I need to share with you, I have my husband exactly like his, he is a hardworking man, a householder, very responsible, but that does not make him a normal person, I'm past horrors in his hand, he has passed 4 days jail, he has been banned from returning home, he has threatened to beat up my 12 year old daughter, I've left the house 3 times to the house of friends, but as it is very difficult to live in the home of others, I back ends under a thousand promises of change, the last two months I lived in the shelter, and ended up coming home, but my life is a hell, I'm afraid, I have seen it worse every day, I'm starting to get scared of him, I really dont know what to do, but I decided to divorce me, I have no more expensive for help to neighbors, rushing through the streets and up sleeping on the street with my daughter, I already took him to the psychiatrist, he starts taking the drug and is not even halfway and does not take over the remedies, twice I managed to take it, but not useless friend, I'm sorry to tell you the truth ..... they do not change. I'm giving up, he does not want to take care and I will not live in fear inside my house, my daughter ate remedy for depression has made up, I give up. The divorce is the solution, I'm not advising you not evil friend, is the truth, do not be fooled, no way, has no remedy, has no conversation, no psychologist or psychiatrist has, he says he is NORMAL!
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