where do I begin to deal with my anger problems?

I've been married for a little over 2 years. We had a baby 1 year ago. I had anger problems but they didn't affect my relationship with my husband like they do now (post baby).
Right now we fight regularly, I have considered leaving several times. When we fight I can become very cold and mean. If he says something accusational even if it's true and he has a right to be angry, I attack him for everything I've been angry for (in the past). He shuts down when I do this and then I apoligize. Time goes by  and then later I do it again.
My mother was very mean to us when she was angry. she would yell at us when something bad happened in her life (having nothing to do with us). I am just like my mother, when as  a kid I swore i would never be like her.
On top of problems with my husband I am depressed and sometimes paranoid. I have trouble making and keeping friends.
I am afraid that I will treat my son the way I was treated if I don't get a handle on my anger/depression. I'm also afraid I will lose my husband if things don't change. My husband is weary of me because he says he doesn't know when I will explode over something small.
My question is where do I start? I can find a counselor or something but how do I know they can help? Can anyone relate or tell me how things got better for them.
I have had better times in my life when I trusted people more and felt good about myself and life. I don't know how to get back there.

[AnnieBrooke]

Counseling can indeed help, a lot.  So can exercise, and so can anti-anxiety medicines.  But even counseling by itself is better than where you are, and that would even be true if it was not guaranteed, and you possibly had to start with one person and move to another person until you find a good fit.  You say you want to but "how do I know they can help?"  What risk is there in going?  You're already on the path to possibly losing your husband and having your child grow up in fear of your unpredictable anger.  A counselor (even un-guaranteed) is worse than that?

[zeuslover]

Thanks Annie,

Have you had anger issues and improved? I don't know how things get better. I've been down so long. If you did have anger issues how did you improve, how did you know things were getting better? Hope these questions aren't stupid.

[brice1967]

So sorry that you are going through this.  The thing with addressing this issue is, you can't be sure that any one thing will help.  It's a far more complex issue than taking a little magic pill.  It takes a lot of attention and a lot of work on your behalf.

With that being said, a combination of therapy, perhaps a bit of medicine and a lot of hard work are almost a prescription for success.  Make no doubt, it will take all 3 things mentioned and it will be a difficult road to go down, but it is doable.

What risk is there going in?  The risk of losing your relationship with your husband, damaging the relationship down the road with your child, ruining other relationships.... sounds like not addressing the problem is far riskier to me.  

You're going to have to tell a therapist what's going on.  You'll have to get to the root of the anger, and coming about that alone is a discovery process sometimes. In other words, it may take some time.  Telling the truth and bearing your true emotions is hard to do, but its essential.  So the risk with that is getting around your ego to tell the whole story and the whole truth and be willing to discover what it is that is causing the anger.

In my case, my anger revolved around my depression which was caused by a horrible on and off relationship with my father.  It took a while to get to the root of the problem, but once it was exposed, we knew what we were up against.  That part was slow going, but after that I moved further away from the depression and consequently the anger and anxiety as well.

Seek professional help, and don't wait.

[lemonlime36]

Wow, you sound just like me. for a long as I can remember I have always exploded with little provocation. I am getting better now. I'm sure I do need counseling, I do take some medication too. But the most important thing I have learned is to just walk away when I feel myself losing control. Thinking before you speak is a very hard thing to learn to do. Best of luck to you.

[zeuslover]

Brice, I scheduled an appointment for a therapist, so I will start this journey. Thanks for the encouragement.

Lemonlime, It's good to know I"m not alone, thanks. My husband tells me that is what I need to do, think before I speak. I will work on it.

[brice1967]

"Think before you speak" is pretty good advice.  With certain circumstances, it's harder to do than others. (By the way, it sounds like your husband is supportive.  That is perfect!)  

A couple of things come to mind and I think you need to concentrate on them, for processing anger.  First off, its important to remember that YOU can only control YOU and other people can only control themselves.  So, you need to decide if what someone does or says is really worth being angry over.  What will you get from being angry?  (If its a head ache, don't get angry.)  

With that, so much of anger is situational.  It's really fruitless to stay angry with something that you have no control over.  It's okay to initially think, "that stinks!!!!".  But take that for what it is.  "It does stink, but I've got no control over it" so embrace it for what it is and let it go.

I know that I am making this sound easy.  It can become easy if you prioritize things.  What is worth being angry over, and what do I get from continuing to be angry over this???  

I used to let the dumbest things bother me... it was ridiculous!  My wife would often look at me and without words say, "Really?  You're going to let that ruin the day?"  And I would... I would let the jerk in traffic ruin the day, or the nasty clerk at the convenience store ruin the day..... Ridiculous.  Oh, also... I always needed to be right....  Turns out, you don't always get that and guess what I found out?  It's okay to be wrong... and it doesn't even have to be that cut and dry.  Right and wrong are more or less perceptions/opinions....  Everyone's entitled.  

Last words... relax a little bit when going in to therapy.  You're not going to be prosecuted, so go in and tell the truth.  Relax... breath... this is not judgement day.  This is you getting help and moving on!