How do you know when your in recovery?

[theblob]

I've had an eating disorder for a long time now. Since I was seven years old I have been binge eating, then around the age of 15/16 I became anorexic. After pressure to eat from the doctors and my family, I began to switch towards the more bulimic side of things. First of all I was just purging meals but then I began to binge. Since then I've gone through periods of anorexia then bulimia both accompanied with excessive exercise. In november last year I was hospitalized, but quickly fell back into the eating disordered behaviour as soon as I came home.
I want to stop but I'm absolutely petrified of going back to just binge eating like I have done for as long as I can remember. I just feel like giving up and I can't see the point of carrying on anymore. I can't see this ever going away, even when I try to eat normally I can't. Today I got up at 7.30 and have been eating non stop. I feel so disgusting and fat and guilty because I haven't purged and need to pnish myself. Usually I do this by forcing myself to throw up then eat it, lick the toilet seat or cut myself.
I feel completely lost, is there any hope for me of being normal with food when I never have been? Am I the only one who switches between eating disorders? Any help would be appreciated so much, I don't feel like I can keep going any longer on my own.

[Patricia Pitts, PhD]

There is a lot of talk about the eating disorder symptoms.  I'm delighted you reached out and many have supported you.  Your hope to release the ugly hold your eating disorder has on you is to focus on your psychological, relational and spiritual growth.  There are free eating disorder support groups you may want to seek in your area.  Overeaters Anonymous (Anorexia and Bulimic meetings) are international; as I believe Eating Anonymous are too.  There are self-help books for those with eating disorders through Gurze Books.  Addressing the real issues can help free you from your eating disorder.  It is extremely common for individuals to switch from one type of eating disorder to another.  If the underlying issues are not resolved effectively, it is almost inevitable.  You could also visit the bella vita website to learn more about eating disorders and treatment options.  Best regards, Dr Patricia Pitts  The Bella Vita  Los Angeles, CA

[cookie1971]

I will pray for you. I am your sister in a lot of ways. You are not alone in this. And no you are not the only one who has switched eating disorders. You can't keep going on your own, you need help and you need it now. First you must understand that this is not just about food. I think it started out as food being a source of comfort for you. But with the weight gain from binge eating I am certain you developed a poor body image. Then you found a way to control the weight gain by purging, etc. .The key word there is control. We eating disorder people do this as a sense of control in our sometimes out of comtrol lives. I'm no doctor , and i won't pretend I know all the answers but I do know your pain. You need professional help, it won't go away over night , it is one day at a time. It is equal to that of being an alcoholic. Except they can stay away from booze, we need food to live. It will take therapy and time before you will begin to have a healthy realationship with food. But whatever you do , don't give up, keep fighting!!!!  Trust me it's worth it.

[asurvivorsmum]

I  am a mother of a boy who has RECOVERED from anorexia. He at his worst was 4 st 12 lbs and close to death . He is now 8st 2lbs and rising he was as bad as you could get ticking every anorexic behaviour and more.. We lived the nightmare and have survived. You CANNOT do it without professional help and support. My son has recovered because I gave up my job and gave him 24hr support, never blaming him it was not his fault and it is not your fault you have an illness you would no more blame people who have cancer as you would a anorexic person.. It is tiny determined steps challenging it every step of the way taking every triumph how ever small and making it a positive nearer to your goal. You can and you will overcome it with the right help you DO NOT have to live with this . Get someone close on board expose the anorexia for what it is what it is trying to do to you be HONEST that is a must , dont make excuses for the anorexia dont stick up for it. It is trying to hurt you and you must expose it. Go to your doctor and get yourself referred to a specialist physcotheripist. There is a lot of help out there you need to ask for it- good luck I will reply if you need any more help

[Rach878]

Hello. Your not alone. When i was 9 i became a binge eatter. From the age of 13-18 i was bulimic, yet after all that time and loosing no weight, but just maintaing i went to a treatment program. i was following a meal plan and  i gained 5 lbs. i was devestated. When i left the program i still followed the plan, but after 3 months i relapsed back into bulimia, which has become since then a mixtrue of anorexica and bulimia. After loosing 40 lbs, i find myself going back into treatment in 4 days.

I think with a nutrionist, a meal plan, an excersise plan, and a theripist that specializes in eating disorders you can RECOVER. I understand that your afraid by eating again, and not vommiting that you'll gain weight, and try to understand if your underweight you will gain some weight to be healthy. A meal plan may also make you initally gain weigh but in the long term you will loose that weight if you stay commited to your meal plan, and moderated excersise. If i had only stayed commited to mine i wouldn't be going back to a treatment center this year.

Best of Luck

[theblob]

Thank you all so much for your replies, its really good to know that there are people out there who understand. I think its most difficult because my family don't really understand at all- I think they find it extremely confusing because I starve myself for a few weeks, then eat about 200-300 cals a day then suddenly I'm binge eating for a day or two, then back to starving myself. I don't blame them though because I don't even really understand myself! But it would be nice to have some support. I've tried asking them for help but they say "I can't help you" or "do you realise how much this is hurting me?" and then I feel really guilty for talking about it. My friends try, but they can't really help that much because they're not there when I eat or exercise so they don't know the full extent.
I have been in counselling for almost 2 years now but I am getting nowhere. Especially now I'm 18, I've been told by the NHS they can't help me because by BMI is not low enough. It just makes me want to lose more weight because I'm obviously too fat to deserve help. All the help I'm getting now isn't on the NHS but it is free. But they don't check my physical health or anything. One of you suggested I should go to the doctors but I don't see the point cos I've already been told they can't help me...Its like everyone has given up on me!!
I do have a meal plan from when I was in hospital, so I may go back on that. Its going to be difficult though because I will have to enforce it myself. I feel like I'm just being greedy because nobody else thinks I deserve to eat because I'm fat. I'm so scared and I feel so alone. All the best to all of you.