eating disorder? or not...

[deedle75]

I am a 43 yr. old female that has recently (last year and a half) lost weight...Now that i have lost the weight i still feel the feeling of being fat....i weigh 105 and i am 5' tall....but i was low as 101...and im not comfortable with the 105 weight at this moment... i weigh myself on a average of 10 to 15 times daily....and i just got done eating some vegetable soup (no meat) and i felt the need to weigh to see what i gained....and it said 106.8 and im freaking!!!! i feel like i should go and get rid of what i just ate....(done it before ) so i can feel better...i weighed 154 a year and a half ago...and i just wanted to get down to 120 . but i couldnt stop...( i couldnt imagine ever weighing 120 ever!).i have stopped losing but im terrified of gaining...literally terrified...i try not to eat but 900 cals a day if that many but after tonight i feel like i should cut back...i try to eat only veggies or maybe a baked potatoe ...but not both...during the days...i drink diet colas, coffee with no calorie sweetner, and only sugar free products...but i still feel like im eating too much....i hate this....is this something that will pass? or is it turning into a eating disorder...?

[shlee1016]

The thing about this is, the more you try to get "control" the more "control" it's getting over you. Does that make sense? You are going to try and try to lose more weight, or cut back more, or purge, or whatever is it that you do, and the more you try and the more you do, the deeper you are getting in your disorder. Thus, the more control over you that your eating disorder is getting. So you think you are getting control, but really, your are losing the control and you will feel more and more out of control. Am I making any sense at all? It's an endless battle and cycle and the only way to get control over it is to beat it, to fight your eating disorder a step at a time...a baby step at a time. Can I do anything to help you?

[shlee1016]

Goodness, what a time you've had. I am glad you are feeling better. At the same time, I also understand that it was no magic fix. It might have been a wake up call, but there's still work to do on your part. You have to fight this. My life was saved 19 months ago, and boy am I grateful to be alive. I'm like, I am here for a reason. God did not take my life, but he put me in a situation for me to be saved. It was a miracle, and now it's my job to keep my life, and to give back. I struggle a lot, but my mindset is completely different, and I am determined. I will win in the end, and my e.d. will absolutely not take me down again. It sounds like you have done some thinking with what you've been through since you last wrote. So where do you go from here?

[deedle75]

well alot has happened since i last posted....i had to have surgery november 13th...( another mistake.....friday 13th ) but anyhow it was supposed to be an easy in and out ovary removal and appendix....but instead it turned out to be scar tissue (alot of it) and the appendix removed....they left the ovaries in. well i was very sick afterward that they kept me in hospital overnite....i was sent home and then a couple of days later i noticed that i was swelling and gaining weight rapidly...like 4 lbs in just hours....i couldnt button my pants! i went to the ER and they gave me some pain meds and sent me home....the next day i was even bigger I went bac to the ER and they did some more testing and said we are gonna have to put an ng tube in and pump out ur stomach...they did and the swelling eased up some....I was in for 2 days and it looked like things were going in the right direction...2 days later i started swelling again....I did not want to go to hospital again in fear that they would keep me ...but i knew something was very wrong...i went to work first and tried to work ....I called the dr. that did my surgery and he said to get back to the ER ...so off i went and they imediately put me back in ER and the ng tube back in...that was on a friday 1 week after the initial surgery....they got me comfortable and then the next morn...i remembered that i have not gotten up to use the bathroom at all...that means that i had not voided in about 18 hours at all...and they had already put in 4 bags of fluid by that time...i didnt even feel the need to go... i also was having a hard time breathing wen they sat me up......I told the nurse and she called the dr. and he said to cath me and he was on his way...this was another surgeon i never met before...he came in and looked at my stomach and said we need to go to surgery rite now...u have a blockage  that means 2 surgeries within a week !, with in 20 min. i was on my way to surgery.....at this time i was scared to death...i dont remember much after that....but i knew i was NPO for several days after with oxygen hooked up to me and ng tube sucking out my tummy, and legs being tied down to some sort of pumping thing and a cathater.....I couldnt move....i was never hungry...but felt myself getting weaker and weaker as the days went on...I asked the dr. y didnt I have some sort of nutrition supplement going through my iv....he said all u need is the fluid..  and that i could go 30 days without eating.....i told him i feel like i would get stronger if i had something helping my nutrients that i did not want to be 80 lbs wen i left the hospital...he just giggled...and said i will keep an eye on it...after that I then said that i would never worry about weight again if i could just get out of there...i got out of hospital thanksgiving day...i weighed 103 (my normal weight) when i went into hosp. and came home weighing 95 lbs...i found that i couldnt eat hardly anything wen i came home...even tho i wanted to...i got full after 2 or 3 bites...I was weak and felt like i was going downhill....I honestly thot that i was going to die before surgery....I thot here it is ....i cant breathe and my kidneys are quitting, and i have a blockage...and then i was so weak after that i couldnt even take a few steps on my own without feeling like i was going to pass out....my blood pressure was very low thru out the stay...the lowest being 88/45.....I told the nurse I wasnt feelin well....but she never responded...... anyhow....after all that i have gained  a few lbs  i now weigh 100 lbs...but i find myself counting calories again and feeling guilty sometimes....and I hate that.....I didnt feel good at all at 95 lbs...my face was very thin, my legs were toothpicks....why do i worry about weight .....im alive...i should be greatful....and i am but i cant get the weight thing out of my head....i look at my belly ....which has loose skin that I absolutely hate! and even tho i only weigh 100 lbs...I feel pudgy....I have probably had about 800 to 900 calories today...and thats my limit...i wont eat no more tonite.....i feel like i cheated death once so why would i worry about calories? why dont i just be greatful that im here.  I know.....its crazy!

[Patricia Pitts, PhD]

From what your are saying, you have many signs of an eating disorder  You could visit the bella vita website and take our free eating disorder survey.  While you are there you could learn more about symptoms and medical complications of eating disorders.  Eating disorders are complex.  Seeking treatment from an eating disorder professional would be wise.  Best, Dr Patricia Pitts  Los Angeles, CA

[shlee1016]

Oh goodness, that is such a myth about people with eating disorders not eating. Even people diagnosed with anorexia usually will eat a little bit. I mean, sometimes not, but it's absolutely a myth that people with eating disorders don't eat anything. My suggestion is to get control over it. Every time you fight against your eating disorder, YOU are gaining control. It might not seem like it at the time because it's HARD, but you are. If you keep your food down, you are winning, not your e.d. If you eat the toast for breakfast, you are winning. If you eat lunch and even dinner, you are winning. Challenge those thoughts that the eating disorder is feeding you. You know that the rules that you are setting are not rational. Try to challenge them with facts...with the truth.

I have a question. In your post, you wrote "yesterday was a bad day." What does that mean? Was it a "bad day" to you because you DID eat more than you intended? Or was it a bad day because you did not eat enough? You ate that day but then beat yourself up about it. One thing I find that helps some people is to try to separate yourself from your disorder. Well, first, are you able to do that?

[deedle75]

wow....yes u do make perfect sense....i do understand what u are saying...i always "questioned" or "denied" having a eating disorder....i talked to a friend i havent seen in awhile the other day and she asked me how was i doin...i said fine...i told her that i know i do have some issues to overcome....but im fine...i told her i am fine if it stays like this...but i could easily lose control over it ....and that is what scares me...yesterday was a bad day...i did eat,(not alot to most but alot to me)  but i felt bad for eating....real bad...i wanted so bad to get rid of it but pple were around.... And i was telling myself "see? look wat u done! keep this up and u will be fat!......i ate two pieces of toast this morning and i am mad at myself for that...i know, its crazy! so i set a goal for myself to balance out wat i ate...i will keep it in (the toast) but not eat anymore today....and eat just a lil tomorrow and that will equal things out.....im sure this is a crazy way of thinking.....but that is where im at....i dont want to lose control over this....and the reason i questioned whether or not i had a eating disorder...is cuz i eat....and yes i get rid of it sometimes but not ALL the time....so that made me question....and when  i went to the dr. and asked about it he said ur fine.....just eat....easier said then done....

[deedle75]

OMG ! exactly! yes exactly! that is my feelings exactly!  now this seems to be going out of control...and that makes me fight harder to control ....i feel like i am the only one who can say wat goes in...no one can control that....but me....i have lost control over everything else that i had control over....there is nothing i can do to fix things...like i used to....but i use this to let me have control over something....so to speak....but i know its goin out of control...but i dont want to give up control of it.

[shlee1016]

Hi there, I've read your posts and I have a question for you. You say that this is about control and that you feel like everything is out of control right now in your life and so you need something that you can control. You are using food right now in order to try to get this feeling of control. But are you in really in control?

[Atoli]

hehe your wellcome :)  i agree with you baby foot steps can helps alot and your plan is good but why dont you add like between the meals you can eat candies and juice among the day it will make it even better and ofc dont eat untill your limit we dont want that surly, just eat as much as  you feel can and it will help and uhm if you cant then there is something we used for my little brother.. it can helps there is in the pharmassy its the candy vitamins it can helps the ones that has fruit flavors only eat one a day it makes your appitet open to the limit : )  by time ofc not by the first time this can helps alot we did it for my young brother and it helped him we didnt change his way of eating he actually started to eat by him self so it helped alot, but dont think that when you gain weight it might make you get fat or anything, all what it does is it gets you to get balanced body and thats what you really want. :)

[deedle75]

thanks for the comment...i dont take anything that u say bad...and yes i know this isnt right....i know it.....i just cant seem to get my mind to accept that i must eat more.....sometimes i eat and i feel like i did good....for instance today my meal plan was....coffee for breakfast.......two pieces of bread with mustard on it for lunch......and salad for supper......and i feel like that should be great....but everyone says its not enough....then i start to panic...thinking  "wat do they want me to do?" im not eating a bunch of food or i know wat will happen....i will feel too full and get rid of it.....it just seems that they wont except baby steps....and i cant do one giant step ....not yet.....

[Atoli]

why ? : (  
     you really need to know that it will leads to bad affects on you if you keep like this, and gaining weight isnt really terrible thing hunny its a good thing actually, you need to see at yhur self in the mirror and realize that your not fat at all and that you love who you are nomatter what and you will never be ever fat. you are old enough to realize that people around you who wil eventually get hurt.. it will affect them in a really deep bad way, dont even think what you will do will ever make you become fat because it is wrong just realize that it will make you happy and healthy and it will make you live longer and happier.
     dont ever be afraid to take a serious charge on your self and never be ever scared of changing what you are now because you are sick you need to realize that its the reality.. you are beutiful but you will be more atractive when you have a balance weight dont listen to any voice in your mind or feel the preasure ... its something you need to change inside your mind.. its not easy and its not hard ... all what it needs is a strong well and a great step forward... : [  
     im verry sorry if you see it as i'm saying anything bad because its not.. i'm very deeply concern about you :(  

[deedle75]

thats just it....im terrified to gain weight...

[Atoli]

uhh then hun why dont you try to eat the carbohydrats and breads and sugar dont ever try to throw up nomtter what just eat but not too much like yeah eat the food but every one to two hours eat and replace the diet cola with the normal and the vege soup with the meat soup it will help alot in gaining weight.

[deedle75]

yes, i do want help with dealing with some of the things i deal with..But i feel like if i ask for help then im "weak" so to speak...i have always been the strong one...and now i cant seem to get a grip..My doctor that i was seeing left state and i no longer have anyone who i can actually talk to about this...that is without everyone finding out. so i just deal....but dealing is not wat im doing very good at ...it seems....i was just told i need to have surgery a couple of days ago. so i have that weighing in on me also..but oh well wats one more thing gonna do....ha!. i had lunch with the boss today and i had to eat and i feel miserable! i feel like i shouldnt of eaten what i did ( which she said wasnt near enuff )..but i kept it down but i wont eat no more for the day....that way the calories will stay low...that is my way of thinking....keep clories low.... anyhow i cant seem to shake that...no matter how i try.....thanks for ur advice...i will take all i can get....this is pretty much all i have right now...

[Ruthlessone]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds as if you're trying to move in the right direction. Have you thought about trying a different doctor? Or maybe getting therapy? Sometimes it really helps to talk it through. I know for sure that the bible doesn't say anything about God disliking anyone (fat people included!). The bible preaches that god loves everyone. It does say that your body is a temple and you should treat it as such. Maybe he extrapolated from there. I think that it just means you should do your best to take care of it. But we all get behind on house cleaning, so I think trying your best is perfect. I'm not Christian, but I grew up in a bible thumping family. There is a Buddhist belief that we've lived so many lives that we've all been each other's Mother at least once. Whether or not it's true (or believed) it's a sweet sentiment on how to try treat others.

[deedle75]

you were not insensitive, just telling it like it is...and thats what i need. I did go to a dr. last year when i seen that my fear was greater than me...my fear of gaining weight ...he told me that just dont eat meat and i will do fine...so i did...but that was not my problem...my problem is the fear of eating.....and i told him...he said my labs were ok, and that i looked great.....he preached to me and told me to remember one thing...god does not like "fat" people!  and so he said that being thin was a good thing. He just told me to eat more veggies and i should be fine...He did tell me i needed  to eat more calories..that i was in a starvation mode.....i just cried....people in our town are commenting how thin i look....and i need to eat....i just tell them i do eat , just not alot...but i have went from 154 to 101 as of today...and they are just concerned i know...but they chalk it off to stress (because of the sicknesses in my family) but i tried, to get help ....there is no support group close around our town...thats why i went to my dr. but that didnt help....he just didnt get it. so im back at square one....i weigh as much as my sick daughter....not good.  but it isnt as easy to say "just eat".....i do eat....its the guilt that gets the best of me. so if i feel like im too full then i take care of it ( not all the time...sometimes i make my self keep it and get over it)...to feel better...mentally and physically. but i do respect your opinion...i dont like nothing sugar coated....tell it like it is....i have more respect for some one to be truthful with me then to say...."your fine".

[Ruthlessone]

I may have come across as insensitive, I didn't mean to be, I'm sorry. I certainly didn't mean to imply that you have nothing going on, it's quite obvious you have a lot. I know how easy it is to become fixated and how getting out of your norm and doing something positive can at times help break that. It sounds like you understand, it is about control. You have so many others to take care of, but you can't help them if you're not taking care of yourself. You should look into a support group. You might be surprised at how comforting it can be to talk candidly with others who share your burden. It isn't anything to be ashamed of, everyone struggles with one coping mechanism or another. Seeking help, especially before it's too late is to be lauded. Try to imagine how you would take care of one of your daughters if they came to you with this problem, and treat yourself that way. Do it for yourself, because you deserve it! You're beautiful and caring. No one would take care of that many people if they were otherwise! Do it also for your family, because they need you to be your best for them.

[deedle75]

ya know im sure your right...i know purging is not healthy...and i dont do it often...i try not to think about it after i eat so i wont...i.... do have friends (that doesnt know ) and i do work and have fun....i try to stay busy so i dont think....i have alot on my mind other than me....i am a mother , wife,  and nene (just recently) i have a daughter that is sick  and requires  major surgery about every 3 mos or so...and a husband that needs a heart transplant in the near future , and i just feel like im losing control over everything...i used to fix everything and keep everyone well and everything perfect....and now i there is nothing i can do to help them...i have another daughter that requires help with her baby(just babysittn while she works) and  i have a son that is still in school and requires my attention there too...and now i feel like i am losing control over the only thing that i have control of...so to speak....and that is wat i eat...

[Ruthlessone]

That is an eating disorder, and it calls for medical help. I understand the desire to feel desirable, but purging and starving yourself will RUIN your body. Look up about long term eating disorders and you'll see. People who go this route loose teeth, hair, their skin becomes sallow and wilted, and that's just on the outside. Irreparable damage will be done to your body if you continue. You should seek medical help as well as help through a support group in your area. If you want to be in shape, then exercise. Sexy isn't skinny, it's being toned, which means muscle. The more muscle you have, and use, the more calories you're able to burn. But to be able to build muscle, and maintain it, you need to eat. If you starve yourself it just means that your body is breaking down what little muscle you do have left in order to feed itself. 900 calories is not enough! Eat healthy, fruits and veggies as well as protein and whole grains, and there's NOTHING wrong with having sweets or chips sometimes. Remember, it's not the number on the scale that matters, it's whether you're healthy or not, and skinny doesn't equal health! Start exercising, eat 2000 calories a day and find something better to do than look at your scale. Start a hobby, make some new friends, go out in the world and find something that inspires you to be positive and not so hard on yourself! You deserve better!