where do i go from here?

[deedle75]

shlee.....where do i go from here? i dont know....that is what worries me.....i really dont know....i try to stay out of house so i dont eat....i went out shopping today, i did go out to eat...and i know the waiters and waitresses at the restaurants i go to think " thats it?"  but i usually go to a choice of three mexican restaurants and i will order a cup of refried beans and chips to eat it with.....and i get awful looks all the time...i dont mind leaving a tip that is more than my meal.....i dont even have to  tell them wat i want anymore...they know. but anyhow that is wat i ate for lunch today....and i had 2 pieces of wheat bread  for breakfast....it is now 7:30 in the evening and im not hungry....so i prolly wont eat...and i feel good about that.. .and i know thats crazy and i dont expect anyone to understand because i dont understand ......so where do i go from here?  wow....thats a good question.....but one i cant answer....

[deedle75]

i have tried to get help once before but my dr. said that until my bloodwork showed something wrong that he didnt think that i had any problems....I told him that i have a strong fear of gaining weight...i just recently thot maybe if i started going to a gym to work out that maybe i wouldnt worry about my weight as much.......wrong......i noticed that im gaining weight....ive been told to get ready to gain weight because muscle weighs more than fat...and i was prepared for that ...so i thot...i have gained about 4 lbs and i am freaking out....i work out 4 days a week....i am thinking of cutting back on calories more....i already eat around 900 calories a day....im wanting to cut back to 6 or 700 to see if this will help me control the panic attacks i have when i weigh...mayb the weight will lower even if im workn out...mayb it will balance itself....i know this is pure crazy but i cant help the freaking feeling i get when i get on the scale and it shows more than i think it should....then i start the wheels turning ....on how i can get it lower....i  weighed in at 106 this evening.. the highest in a long time....and i dont like it at all......i see fat....no one understands around here when i get like this.....they say " just eat"  and i just change the subject...i dont want to talk about it...i will not allow my self to continue to gain weight....i hate this feeling....and really dont know what it means.....why am i doing this? i dont know if it started after i lost all the weight a couple years ago...i got alot of attention.....and still do....but now the attention is more of a "im worried about you".....but i just tell them oh its just a little stress....(which with my family's history i should be) but i know better.....i thot the gym thing would fix everything...i found that im getting addicted to working out because it will burn calories...i want to do more than my trainer tells me to do....im just a little panicky right now......dont like what the scales say.....and i cant seem to stay away from the scales....i weigh at least 10 times a day....when i weigh in the morning, it tells me how i need to eat the rest of the day to keep it down....if i think its too much then i dont eat breakfast and then i eat  a light lunch , but i weigh in often through out the day to see if i need to cut back or is it ok to eat.....sorry , i know this sounds rediculous.....and it probably is, but what is it that i can do to get over this.? This is a small town i live in...and i dont want pple to know my business ...or to cause my family any embarrassment....just because i dont want to eat.

[Patricia Pitts, PhD]

You are in the throes of an eating disorder.  I'm delighted you can see the food emotional connection.  However, your eating disorder voice is strong.  Seeking professional help could help you find answers to your questions and move towards being freed of your eating disorder.  Best,  Dr Patricia Pitts, PhD  The Bella Vita

[deedle75]

doing the same...havent felt the need to  get rid of food today....but did yesterday....thats where i think that maybe im not so bad, cause i dont do it everyday...just maybe 3 to 4 times a week....some weeks maybe even better than that....i dont know....i think alot of it has to do with stress....or i mayb just trying to come up with excuses....either way i need to figure out a way to stop this crazy way of thinking....i want to , but wont.....for some reason...

[shlee1016]

So how are you doing now?

[deedle75]

yes, i know i should be eating more....and i try....i was doing good i thot until today i felt like i ate too much and couldnt or should i say wouldnt keep it in...and now im mad with myself...no control...just wen i thot i had this goin good.....i do notice when i get more stressed in other things i take it out in ...not eating .....or getting rid of things i do eat just to feel better.....today i had my usual toast for breakfast....then a little beans for lunch.....went out to eat with husband and ate more than i wanted..(but he was there, i had to eat) so i got rid of it wen i got home...so not doin good i suppose....im so mad at myself now....but mayb i will start again....and mayb i can get ahead of this...i have to somehow....

[shlee1016]

I only just saw this. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I will check the site more often. How are you doing now?

[Patricia Pitts, PhD]

It sounds like you can tell that what you are doing around food is not healthy.  You also can see it reflected in the eyes of others.  Awareness that there is an issue is the first step.  Writing on this forum - reaching out is the next step.  Who do you trust and know cares for you to ask for support to get help?  There are self-help groups, professionals, friends and parents who can direct you.  You could also visit the bella vita website to learn more about eating disorders.  You are taking steps, keep moving forward.  There is hope and answers!  Best, Dr Patricia Pitts  The Bella Vita  Los Angeles, CA