9 year old girl won't shower alone

[Scubascully]

My boyfriend of several years has two girls, age 7 and 9. We live together sand have the girls have time, and they are with their mom and her female partner (who are lovely and live nearby) the other half.

The 9 year old, up until a month before her 9th birthday, started refusing to stay in her bed at night, wanting to sleep with us. We let it go a night or two, with the excuse of bad dreams, but then it became every night. No good. So over a few months (at my inststence) we moved her to the living room sofa, then the floor in a sleeping bag (which she had to roll up and put away each morning. She eventually made it back up to her bed, where we read and cuddle with her and her sister every night.

Then she started pulling out her hair. Just a little at first, so we could comb it over without a fuss. We brought her to a counselor and gave her some coping tools. But she gave herself hoorible bald patches and when her mom brought her in for a short summer cut, hoping that might break the habit, the best the stylist could do was shave her head. We went hat shopping, and her dad and I cut our hair short for the summer. We told her she wasn't in trouble and that we loved her just like her mom did and we'd figure it out together. Even her little sister has been kind and hardly teased her.

Her hair is growing in now, but she still picks at it and I'm troubled for her. Counseling has not seemed to make a difference. And to make matters worse, she's manipulated her dad to staying with her on her bed every night until she falls asleep. If he doesn't, or if she wakes up at night and she's not there, she's back in our room again.

She's never closed the bathroom door to use the toilet and insists on using whichever one is closest to other people in the house (her sister does not have this habit). Today was the last straw, when she needed to take a shower, and refused to take one unless her dad took it with her. SHE Is 9 YEARS OLD and has insisted her mom buy her TRAINING BRAS but wants to take showers with dad.

I am beside myself. She's a lovely girl otherwise, funny and sweet and does well in school.  I want to help her through this rough patch. But I can't deal with the showering  with dad and the ooen-door toilet use. Dad's a bit of a hippie, boxer shorts around the house kind of guy, and sees no problem with the showering because she's just a kid (a kid wearing training bras).  He says I'm being uptight and can't come in and try to change his and his ex's parenting style just because I have a "moral objection."

I am sick at heart and don't know what to do. We have been together quite a while and love the firms deeply, but he and I are not married and I do not get a say in the raising of them. I am miserable and want to know how to help this little girl back on track with a life where she feels competent, can self- soothe when stressed, and sleep and shower alone - and not go through 4th grade wearing a hat everyday because she's embarrassed to be bald. I am hoping someone here has a kind word or two to share.  Thanks.

[Scubascully]

Correction: he is NOT MORTFIED, would do it again, and refuses to read any materials about suggested ages that kids shower with opposite sex parents. He says it's fine with the kids and fine with him and his ex and that I need to change.

[Scubascully]

Thanks for the kind words. I have told her dad that the counselor needs to meet with all four of us "parents" - preferably together - because we share custody half and half and need to be aligned to support her consistently from house to house. We'll see.

He's mortified about the showering thing - he didn't think anything of it, just was trying to get a fussy kid out of the house, and spaced that she wasn't a baby anymore (she gets very baby-like when she wants something).  I don't think that will happen again.  

He and she are out of the state w his mom for a week (each girl goes every other year). I am taking the 7 year old out tonight for some one-on-one time so she gets fussed over a bit, too (her mom's partner has two daughters who live with them full-time, so dad and I try to find times where each of our two get undivided adult attention).

The older girl is smart and healthy, has lots of little friends, but incredibly needy at home. So far she has been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, anxiety, and even placed at the low end of the autism spectrum and medicated for all of the above with no improvement.  Sounds like my best course of action now is to insist on participating in the counselor conversations where I can. They can't help if they are not getting all the information.

Thanks for listening.

[nursegirl6572]

Oh boy.....difficult situation for sure.

First and foremost, it is absolutely NOT okay for your husband and his 9 year old daughter to shower together.  NOT at all.  He should not be seeing her naked, and vice versa.  My daughter started menstruating and developing breasts at 9.  That is puberty or pre-puberty for girls.  I know your husband probably didn't know what to do but that was NOT the answer.

You guys have really done so much to try to help her.  I commend you for that.  Even the cutting of your own hair short to show a unified support, that is really nice.  Obviously, what you're doing isn't working.  Perhaps she is having some kind of severe seperation anxiety?  How are things at her Mom's house?   Is the "partner" her lesbian lover?  Perhaps the child is struggling with that?

I think she needs evaluated by a child psychiatrist.  She may need more intense, or different therapy.  You guys also need to talk to the doctor and therapist to find out HOW to handle these situations.  In some cases, it may make the child worse to hand down a "tough love" approach and make her sleep in her own room if she is feeling unsafe.  Other situations, limit setting is a must.  

You guys need a professional to help you sort out when you put your foot down, and when you allow certain things.  I would still think that with her age, even if she wants to sleep in your room, she probably shouldn't be allowed to sleep in the same bed.  That's what I mean...you need some clarification on exactly what to do.  Her Mom needs to also be involved in this process...everyone does.  Both partners, both parents, siblings.  Definitely make sure your husband realizes the seriousness of the consequences of him showering with her.  All it would take is for her to say something, innocently, to ONE person, and CYS will be at your door. That would be all bad.

VERY best of luck to your stepdaughter.  She's lucky to have you....the love and caring you have for her comes through in your post.  Please update us when you can.

[timetogetbetter]

You are helping raise them so why don't you get a say so in what goes on? Do you live with this man all of the time?? Share bills, etc?? If yes, you should have a say so. Hippie or not, it's my opinion that he should have put his foot down and firmly said NO to the showering with dad!! That, to me is weird and I am thinking could land dad In jail if someone wanted to make his life hard!  She is way too old to be showering with a man (of any age) or her sister!! Really not sure what's going on with her as far as pulling her hair out and the sleeping etc. sounds like you all are doing the right things and being supportive . I think a psych doctor and counseling is the way to go on all of it for now. You deserve a say so!  It would be like me marrying my husband and having help raise my kids as far as financially etc but then saying he has no say over how they are raised ie; rules etc. that's just rediculous!! Good luck! Keep us posted!!